\since we're such awkward bedfellows

twist to fit the mold that I am in

2009-02-01T18:17:00.004+08:00

yay WOOHOO so I'm not moving to lj after all haha :)

I found a way to password protect my posts! never knew you could do that with blogger :P I'm so glad lahh. you know how frustrating it is to edit lj layouts? omg. or maybe it's just me, but EVEN SO.

see, currently I know of a certain group of people who are reading my blog without my knowledge, and um frankly, it's embarrassing because well I don't want them to read some of the shit I say here. though I can't really blame them because after all this blog USED to be a public blog. but now it's not!

and I never thought I'd be the one who'd get into this internet privacy thing and stuff, but well now I am so THERE.

NOW TRYING SNOOPING ON ME, SUCKAS. HAHAHA -maniacal laugh-

ohyes, and I was getting tired of my blogskin and all the needless clicking to do to get to the tagboard and the posts and the links and whatever other shit, so yea I changed it and now it's much more simplified. YAY.

[plus diwei says that when 'just dance' comes on, and it's the middle of the night, the first few notes sound really scary, which is quite hilarious come to think of it! xD]

okay so now I'm moving on. ask me for the password! cheers.

Show encrypted text

tonight

2009-01-30T21:16:00.003+08:00

aiyo.

too many people reading this thing ready. as in too many people I don't want reading it. I think I'm gonna switch to lj soon.

yea, again. but I'm gonna friendslock it this time. and well, lj doesn't really have much of a cool layout thing going. which is fine by me, because I don't really want to be concerned with layouts when all I want to do is speak my mind freely and just do whatever I want.

anyway. I'm depressed tonight. because I think I'm disgusting. ): I feel like curling up into a ball and locking myself in my room and crawling under the sheets and just lying there. I don't wanna cry, in fact I don't feel sad at all, but I'm just.... I don't know. disgusted la, aiya.

I wish I could talk to someone about this. but I don't wanna bother anyone, because it's quite stupid actually... even though it's been on my mind for the whole of this past week.

I gotta wonder, though, exactly how true it is when people say I shouldn't worry too much because there's nothing lacking in me. no matter how many times people say it, I still can't completely believe it. because I just don't see it.

cos tonight, I just see so many damn imperfections in me, and it sucks.

OKAY ENOUGH OF THIS STUPID MISERY. FUGGIN PATHETIC LA, STOP IT MAN. ITS NOT THAT BAD SIAL. I WILL CHEER MYSELF UP IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO... before I sleep. hahahaa.

kay I think I found my antidote. yep i did! james morrison :) goodnight world.

2009-01-29T20:54:00.002+08:00

have no fear for giving in,
have no fear for giving over,
you better know that in the end,
it's better to say too much
than to never say what you need to say again

you know I can't hold on much longer. be my guest, tell me what I want to hear.

2009-01-29T20:25:00.002+08:00

wow I'm dead tired right now... I don't even have the energy for ihist anymore, I'm not gonna bother putting in effort, just anyhow do la. the worst that could happen is that he's gonna think me incompetent, which I really don't care about right now. sialah damn tired man. ): my head spinning like crazy la

I feel murderous a lot more of the time now than I did last year. which is sad, but strangely something that I have no desire to change. apparently, I look the part too, which i realize can't be good, but again, I don't care :) almost like I'm bearing a grudge against the world for no particular reason, and only my friends and family are excluded from the viciousness of it.

maybe I'm just angry that I have to repeat the whole cycle again, of mugging and doing homework and having to give a shit about my grades... sometimes it feels like it makes no difference to the person that I am whether I get a fuckin A or not. and come to think of it, it really doesn't. but well, it makes difference to university admission officers, and that really sucks.

if it weren't for that, I wouldn't care so much. -.-

k that's all folks tata

never miss a beat.

2009-01-28T21:52:00.002+08:00

I kicked a guy's shoe on purpose today, how fun. :) I mean it, I'm not being sarcastic! he was irritating me because I was at starbucks and I wanted to get my caramel frappe and he was in my way, and he purposely blocked it, and then he asked me what's my name. WHAT THE SHIT?!

I told him my name's aminah. first thing that came to mind. I mean, it's like, who the hell is this random mat and why is he so fucking irritating? okay I'll play along. then MAT = aMINAH right. so ya la. he believed it, and moved aside, which is all I really wanted.

and then he asked me which school I'm from, and I had half a mind to say ITE, because I wasn't wearing sch u. but then Mr Cute Barista gave me my Cfrappe and so I had to go. so I kicked his shoe la. then he was like "adui" and I shrugged and walked away wahahaa the look on his face was priceless :)

I'm dead tired, man. I didn't even do much studying today. just went to the library for a while to study econs. and then went home after about an hour..

I am too lazy to study tonight. no sirree, I'm notttt in the mood to be making notes right now, and as for math... math is just horrible. I don't understand a single bit of vectors.

I think I'll go sleep now :) nights.

ohyeah one more thing. someone asked me why I'm so rebellious towards my dad. haha. erm well because he's unreasonable sometimes and it really pisses me off, some of the things he does. typical father-daughter riff kinda stuff.

but hey I'm not that bad a kiddo. I listen more to my mum than to my dad, because my mum is the voice of reason. and I would definitely prefer to be talked to like an adult, even punished like an adult, instead of like a small child. plus mum just GETS me sometimes. I love her man. :)

the confusing & the confused

2009-01-27T22:45:00.003+08:00

just got back from an open house. cny mah. got invited to a family friend's place for free food and fun :) haha but seriously, I had a really good time. it was weird at first cos well what am I doing, at some chinese person's house pretending like I celebrate cny in the first place, but people were so nice and we fit right in. haha.

made a lot of new friends! um 7, to be exact! haha. :) all around my age. we played games and stuff and though it was the first time I ever met all of them, they were so warm. I think I can safely say this is the best cny I've ever had! yay.

oo and I bumped into carmee lim at the house. omgosh I was so surprised! she looks just like she did when she came for ak concert a few years back. okay, maybe just a bit older. but duh right.

anyway. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I think my parents were keen to leave because tmr is a school day. not that I care, because I'll still turn in late when I get home, but you know parents. -.- lame that way.

tmr is a new day! a new SCHOOL day, to be exact. sighhh. that brings up the question, what have I been doing these past few days? I basically had a lot of fun! which I feel guilty for because I wanted to study, not all four days but still.

friday- whiled the time away, can't rmb how. I think it was a movie marathon.
saturday- ubin and subsequently gramma's place
sunday- malaysia (ayer hitam to be exact?)
monday- sentosa
tuesday- ubin (yeah AGAIN, don't ask) and then open house

ubin, malaysia, and sentosa. I am definitely more tanned. well actually maybe not that definite, I really have not scrutinised myself in the mirror because I don't dare. so I'll just placate myself and try and think I've not gotten even darker than I originally was. T_T

the thing about being sunburnt is that it's nice when you have slightly red skin, because um it's a nice change? but it's NOT nice when you get darker....... hmmm does that make sense? hahaha

yeah okay, so next up I have a confession.

I'm actually looking forward to school tmr! what is WRONG with me?!

I mean I can't wait to get back into the rhythm of things and basically just throw myself into j2 life in all its hecticness(?) and everything because um because I don't know lah. it's nice to be busy. I would prefer to be busy 3/4 of the time rather than have so much free time... busy meaning not with like cca and whatever, but more to do with studies.

that paragraph just screameedddd mugger, gosh. ohwell hahaha

you know something, I'm already planning what I wanna do after alevels. too much forward planning? haha. well it's sort of like an incentive for me. because I would only give myself that 'reward' of actually going through with that stuff if I'm completely convinced I've given alevels my 271 percent or something hahaha

....

sometimes I wonder if I should just stop caring so much about other people, because you know sometimes it doesn't seem like they'd do the same thing for me, or for that matter, it doesn't seem like they appreciate me most of the time anyways. maybe I care too much? I try to please everyone I know, I try to make everyone happy but I can't do that. I cannot please everyone and no matter how hard I try someone ends up feeling left out or something, and I hate that. but I try and change and then someone ELSE starts to resent it, and I'm left here thinking what the hell these people want from me...

if it might not seem like it, I am struggling to find the person I really am. who am I? I have no idea. I have bits and pieces of me, but not everything. and I really wanna know that person, which is exactly what I'm trying do right now.

listen, I love all my friends and I really wish I could cut myself into bits sometimes and give one bit to each friend so they'd never feel less of a friend than I actually consider them to be. ugh. of course, that's impossible. but what I'm trying to say is that. it is tough, finding the person you really are when you have to worry about what your own friends would think, would want you to do the moment they see changes in you.

so if I'm changing, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. you're free to tell me you don't like it, but I may or may not change because I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be the person you want me to be, I want to be the person I am, whether you like it or not.

...

don't expect you guys would 100% understand all that stuff I just said. it makes perfect sense to me, and if it doesn't to you, well tough titty. good for you if you get it, I'm not gonna bother explaining further.

I expect I'll really think some more before I sleep. gosh, I need to talk to someone about this. tmr is a new day. tmr I'm seeing my friends. tmr I will talk to someone about this. hopefully.

and today has been tiring, but really fun, and I don't regret anything about today. :)

LG. life's good 8D

2009-01-26T15:24:00.002+08:00

spent a little time these past few days to figure out a new playlist for when I get my mp4 player back from my dad, and it's been great! I LOVE MAMBO NUMBER FIVEEEEEEEE :D

my three fave songs of the whole list are
1. say- john mayer
2. when the children cry- white lion

the second song made me cry! I loveeeeee ittttt :) and there's only two songs in the world that have ever made me cry before.

past few days have been great! life just seems so cool and nice and awesome right now:) I've been spending most of my time going out, and only about 1/4 of it studying. heh. but I don't regret it!

I went to ubin on saturday and spent most of the day there. needless to say I got sunburnt hahaha my face was really quite red, but the strange thing is that I was there from 10 in the morning all the way till about 4 in the afternoon but I was nowhere near as tired as if you were to make me run 4 rounds around the field ): in fact I wasn't tired even the slightest bit!

I love cycling I really really really do! WOO! especially at ubin. I normally cycle ahead and leave everyone behind, because I like that feeling of being alone when I'm cycling, it's just pure bliss! you can just really soak up the tranquility of it all. it's extremely therapeutic for me :)

yesterday went off to malaysia! to my granduncle's house. and I discovered that genius is in my genes :) won't elaborate, hahaha. cos I don't think I'm supposed to. anyway my mum reminded me yesterday that I got an A in math at the end of sec4. SO I CAN DO IT AGAIN :)

but yknow malaysia mats are really something else.... and I don't mean that in a good way. haha. I was at jusco and then there was this mat who did that beckoning thing with the index finger. AND HE BLEW A KISS.

ERM. OKAY MISTER PERV. HOW BOUT YOU KISS MY ASS INSTEAD. my favourite spot to be kissed at hahahaha

my mum wanted to buy me dresses. erm NONO. I don't wear dresses! my dad expressed his horror at my wanting to be a tomboy. wahahaha well TOUGH TITTY. he brought me up on hot wheel cars and military tanks instead of polly pockets and barbie dolls. anyway I like myself just the way I am.

okay I'm going off to sentosa bye :D

2009-01-22T22:23:00.002+08:00

okay, I'm still feeling dejected. so I shall talk about something happier.

happytreefriends? HM. nahhhhh. how gay.

friends. friends make me happy. hahaha.

okay I'll never stop talking if I start. I'll just think :) loveya!

bothered

2009-01-22T21:52:00.003+08:00

why, oh why, must I ponder things so much? I've been so angsty and moody and just plain angry these past few days, for no reason at all. no particular reason, actually. pms? I hope so.

I'm keeping so many things to myself recently. as in, secrets. alright, maybe not secrets. thoughts. because obviously secrets are meant to be kept to yourself right. I'm going to burst soon. I should really talk about it to someone. after all, I am an ENFP. and that means I deal with problems by talking them out.

I just thought it'd be a nice change not to let everything out once in a while. it sucks, okay. I don't wanna talk about whatever's bugging me and yet I don't want it bothering me that much at the same time. what bullshit?! THEN TALK ABOUT IT LAH GIRL

but I don't wanna talk about it! I'll never see the end of it!

but would you rather not talk and mope around and pretend everything's fine, or would you rather blurt everything out like. like a really bad case of diarrhoea... and then feel much better after that.

(and now I'm talking to myself, awesome)

I've been trying and trying and trying to resolve things myself, which is what some people do, and it seems to work for them. but I can't quite stop these two voices in my head from going at loggerheads with one another... argh. and when it gets too insane and too damn painful for my brain, I just stop and think, fuck it this is bullshit, I'm not gonna care

which obviously does not work. at least not for me.

LISTEN TO ME. I SOUND LIKE A FRICKING SCHIZOPHRENIACCCC.

(omg american idol is on. ohwell, simple indulgence can wait a while more)

but really I am very very bothered by a lot of stuff. studies, my dad, my heart, my lack of maturity, and then sometimes I feel like this speck of dust going down the corridor. just, like my presence is inconsequential and insignificant in every way.. what the heck. where did that come from. ah but mostly it's studies and my heart.

I feel like I'm that dust that's kicked up when a car zooms off into the distance.. left behind. yup, most definitely. in every way, actually. because I'm behind in my studies, I'm obviously lagging behind in terms of securing that special someone, I'm a bit behind in terms of thinking maturely... bloody hell. why so serious.....

actually, I am being serious, it's just that I haven't realized that that's what I've been feeling like, so it's coming as pretty much of a shock to me right now aiyoh

which is why, tonight, I will just voluntarily vomit out all this shit inside of me, and swear as much as I want, because God knows, I need to do this...

I need to be alone la, shit. house is so damn noisy now, walao.

well at least there's a bright side in all of this.. mum. gosh. despite the fact that her voice is currently stabbing my ear right now, because she's nagging my brother and her voice carries all the way down the hall into the living room, where I am right now. she's had a calming effect on me this past week, I don't really know why. it gives me a kind of soothing comfort to talk to her about life. phew. thanks, Man, I really need that...

ALRIGHT. now before I doze off, which I'm pretty sure I will, soon, I shall do what I wanted to do initially. ha. bye.

and despite all the angst-ridden complaints and contemplations, on a very much happier note. happy cny guys, haha :) have a good time, can't wait to see yall again.

got a case of love bipolar,

2009-01-21T21:11:00.003+08:00

i'm in no mood to do work right now. I would, if I could be bothered. but the only thing I have set my mind to doing is econs essay outline, and I found the entire answer nicely printed out for me in my econs essay book. awesome prorsum.

as for maths... I have no clue. none, whatsoever. so help me God. -.-

this is only the second week of school, yet I feel as though it's been so gruelling I'm extremely exhausted, even though I know my schedule is nothing like some of my friends'. maybe it's because I stay back in school practically every day, to study and to wait for my brother. who normally ends quite late, at 6+

there's pe tmr... damn. I'm in no mood for anything physical. couldn't we just do something cute like playing ice and water? HAHA OR WHACKO. -.-

well.. it hasn't been easy playing dumb. keep seeing that face in front of me and it has the same effect every time. it's majorly frustrating. I know why I am so far gone, but it still irks me... I don't understand why it must be him. well I do, actually. but... I don't know! I've never taken so long just to get over somebody. it sucks bigtime. BIGGGGGGG TIME. just because, I don't like it. I like to think I'm in control of the situation when it comes to falling for people.

cos I know, and i think almost everyone close enough to me knows too, that I fall for people quite easily. so I have to move on fast every time I decide that's enough. (wow how superficial does that sound, shit)

yeah well... the thing is that I could have a billion different crushes, in quick succession. but I only ever fall deeply, like super horrible disgustingly wonderfully deeply, once in a blue moon.

OKAY. BACK TO SANITY TMR. back to treating you like you never were someone special to me. ohwell. at least the good news is that I think it's working pretty well. have to keep working at this...

and then it all goes back to the question, AM I ATTACHED?

actually no it doesn't, just that something happened which brought that question to light, and since I really wanna get this over and done with, and also because I couldn't think of a subtle way to say it, also because it's highly disturbing that people are questioning it,

I am not attached. I just have a really good guy friend, and I know that sounds like a convenient excuse, but seriously. seeeeeeeeriously... aiyo.

and then I also doubt, no, I'm extremely convicted of the fact that I'm not gonna BE attached any time soon.

I mean look at the guys in school. seriously. HAHAHA. nah I'm kidding. partially. :P opps.

but in all honesty. I don't see anything awesome about me. not anything that's so special, anyway. argh. ):

2009-01-20T21:09:00.002+08:00

today was a really weird day.

I'm lucky tmr only got one tutorial, don't need to prepare anything. damn shagged now, man.

today was also the first time in my life that I got physically beaten by a guy other than my brother or my dad! haha qiwen smacked my leg damn hard lah. it turned so freaking red at first. then after a while went away. haha I deserve it, I've been smacking guys since forever. hahaha. hey but it's fun. in a sadistic way. (x

still. I think I shouldn't sit with the guys during tutorials. I need 100% concentration and if I sit with the guys all I get is people talking nonsense in my ear. haha.

spent practically the whole afternoon studying. I wanna die. I suck at math, and I don't understand econs, and well. basically that's it. haha. it's really horrible that math is not something that you can sit down, stare at, read over and over again, and just get it. or maybe it's just me. HAHAHA. really though, wish math was more like history. not always easy to understand, but STILL very much understandable.

anyhow that's the main reason I'm damn shagged. I need to get back into study mode. the mode that I was in at the start of last year. and then subsequently slipped out of... hahaha. I need to be able to sit down and go at it for six hours straight (with toilet and 7eleven breaks, of course)!

afters went home with my bro, who was having german class. I really felt like a zombie while walking towards the bus stop. geez. and that wasn't even six hours. ...or 12, which is what I think people normally clock once Alevels looms dangerously close.

anyway the most extraordinary thing happened on the way home! haha okay I wouldn't call it extraordinary lah, actually. just that it's so damn unexpected it had the effect of brightening me up.

so I was going home, thinking about maths tuition and econs tuition, and then my thoughts drifted to someplace else, and basically I was just feeling like a piece of shit because thinking of that certain someone makes me pissed off and weak-hearted and worried and depressed and strangely, REALLLLLYYY strangely, happy, in a weird sort of way..

you know that kind of mood where you're not really thinking and you're just staring out into space and seeing the people and places pass by, but not really noticing anything? I get into that mood when I'm damn tired, and today I was like that on 156. haha.

bus stopped outside cjc, and then there was these three mats sitting at the bus stop and I just stared and stared at them relentlessly, for no reason at all. and I think they were starting to get freaked out. then one of them smiled and held out his hand, and did that gesture that li ki did when she said "like a dungbeetle" and I completely cracked upppp hahahaha. and so did his friends, it was damn funny.

strange, man. just a simple thing like that, makes me feel so much better... hahaha.

OMG I JUST FELL ASLEEP IN FRONT OF THE LAPTOP OH SHIZ HOW TO DO MATH D: D: D: HOW TO STAY UP TO WATCH OBAMA'S INAUGURATION (did I spell it right? -.-)

2009-01-18T15:52:00.002+08:00

STOP. IMITATING. ME!!!

hey mister, there's thing, it's called getting a life. you should really get one instead of pretending to have one.

-

okay moving on.

got so many burning questions I wish they'd be answered. I sit in the room and I feel like I'm being cleansed, almost like I'm being forgiven, just for being in class here. I wonder if He knows how I feel right now. of course he does.... I long for my questions to be answered by someone who won't judge me and ask me why I'm asking such questions. I am stubborn when it comes to getting my opinions swayed. don't have that many opinions, but when I do it's difficult to get me to change my mind.. I won't stop until I'm completely convinced. Forgive me.

tgif

2009-01-16T21:49:00.003+08:00

whoahhh... today was really one heck of a day man. I just got back. it's 10pm now. phwooh. ): damn tired, but I must say the day was well spent! been one of the fun-est days in school yet.

geepee first thing in the morning, oh joy. it was irritating. then it was er econs ahem sexy econs. amusing shit, lol. then it was... pe! OMG PE. was horrible... after two months of no physical straining whatsoever, we were made to run three rounds round the track, sian like nobody's business man. ):

oh yea I finally achieved my desired height of 160cm :) WOOH. I grew 1cm and now I'm at a nice number. my psle score minus 100 sia.

and if I'm not making any sense at all tonight, you will excuse me, I'm pretty darn shagged.

anyway after pe it was break. geez I tell you, the stupid new j1s can be quite irritating sometimes. erm that's an understatement.... because I somehow feel the need to tone down just a little bit. also because I know people from their batch who are nothing close to irritating, so.

lit, was erm dry. but what else could you expect from a book like pride and prejudice. then ihist. damn funny someone said something about the room being hot and cold and then we all broke out into the chorus of Hot n Cold by Katy Perry hahaha.

and the rest of the lesson was spent making a lot of jokes with diwei and saying opps lots of times and getting irritated by jonlim and his "I knew that!"s and laughing at somebody's animal sounds and well generally talking so much nonsense it was hysterical. last lesson on friday, expected behaviour I guess haha.

afters went out to watch movie with mr3 and a bunch of other mr people.. the changeling. it's quite good, actually. I thot it'd be boring but it's not. makes you think. which is nice. and erm I screamed, really loud. at this part where there was a murder scene and this guy was wielding an axe and making sashimi out of some poor kid and there was blood splattering all over the place...

it is embarrassing how i tend to scream at the most unlikely times during a movie. I watched AvP last year and I screamed. that was along with anthea, who promptly flung half a bucketful of popcorn all over me out of shock (she screamed at the same time haha).

I watched wanted last year too and I screamed, because the suspense was killing me and suddenly someone burst out of the shadows (I HATE THOSE SCENES).

and then this time it was because some random kid had flashbacks and the image of that guy wielding an axe and being splattered with blood just appeared out of nowhere and it was totally unexpected. and I screamed, so loud that to lan was like "who screamed? was that you, ani? it was damn loud!" erggggggggh hahaha. embarrassing man.

and I think I screamed when I watched tropic thunder too. erm which is actually a comedy. see what I meann. ): tropic thunder was m18 btw haha but we just sneaked into the cinema when nobody was looking, after being directed to another cinema because of our HSM3 tix. -.- hsm3?!

afters had dinner with everyone who was there and who was in my og. which was basically just christian, guang yu, benlee, gabbyteo, to lan and me. had so much fun talking with them. we talked about everything from girlfriends to being innocent to marrying to NS to pimps and sluts to erm.... oral sex. haha. don't get me wrong, we were just talking about somebody in school who'd done it before.. not like we were discussing tips and techniques HAHAHA.

and it made me realize I know very little of the people in rj. probably because I've never taken much notice of who's who in rj in the first place. erm besides who the council heads are, who the housecapts are, who the high-profile ones are, and er yea that's more or less it lor. lol. I don't really care haha.

anyway it was really nice hanging out with my ogmates. I really really miss them and I still remember those nights we spent at j8's open space beside haagen dazs after orientation last year. and of course orientation itself, especially onite. my og talks alot of crap, hahaha. we went one whole round telling each other who's our eye candy and/or crush haha. I had a great time laughing my ass off, haven't laughed like that in ages :)

and I realize I'm not willing to share with anyone anymore about matters of the heart. it's easier for me that way, I get to keep it to myself and at the same time I don't have to answer any "why?"s. -.-

aight I'm falling asleep now man, it's only 10:30 sheesh.

2009-01-15T23:36:00.002+08:00

it occurs to me that I should sound less like a dumbass and more of a thinking fully functioning being when I talk to him, honestly, what's wrong with my brain, it's depressing sometimes. -.-

actually I know perfectly well what's wrong with my brain. it doesn't classify him as anyone normal so I find it particularly hard to talk to him, it makes me panic instead. and that is really REALLY dumb, I should really stop that! >:( okay I'm doing it less, but still......

I am NOT gonna continue letting myself act like that to ANY guy, that is so... typical. ergh.

done for the night, turning in. it's 11:50, not bad ah! hahaha considering I started doing my work at 10pm, in front of the ps3 some more lol :P

2009-01-15T22:20:00.002+08:00

haha I'm currently doing my ihist outline in front of the ps3. as highly inconducive (?) as it sounds, I'm quite surprised that I'm able to concentrate haha. oh btw I'm not the one playing the damn ps3, duh. -.- that would be physically impossible..

anyway I'm afraid my outline won't be of 100% preparation, I lost my islamic fundamentalism notes, and as much as I'd like to admit that I know enough of my own religion to provide all the answers that I need, I can't say so. I wish they'd have gona into that in madrasah. that would be infinitely more interesting than learning about mmm let's say religious wars. haha. just my opinion.

anyway it's gonna be a late night. ): still have gp to do. just because I'm the fricking group leader I have to do all the gp hmk. lerr. sad life.

ohwell.

I cut my hair a few days ago! erm not to sound conceited or whatever, but everyone's been telling me it's really nice and stuff and honestly it weirds me out.. I can't take that many compliments at once, you have no idea how weird it makes me feel!! hahaha. I like it, I love it even, because it's damn convenient for me since I don't have to worry about it being messy anymore.. but other than that it's not quite so special. haha.

lol anyway it's really fun playing with it. act cool ah.

back to religious fundamentalism.

2009-01-15T21:22:00.002+08:00

I can't find it in me to hate you, after all I think you're quite nice when you want to be nice. but at the same time I refuse to say I love you. time heals all wounds. as paramore put it, if only time could fly like a dove...

though it is quite disturbing the way you look at me sometimes, it really freaks me out you know that.

2009-01-14T20:21:00.003+08:00

you know, I really do have something against homework. it bites... i know it's needed, but I still have this huge bias against it. haha. strangely enough the strange bias doesn't apply to mugging. O.o

maybe cos I consider mugging an infinitely more worthwhile thing to do than homework. gr. -.-

hahaha. I can't believe I'm so headstrong. I think it's gonna come back and bite me in the ass some day if I don't control it. but for now it's fun.

I think I'm gonna get a white slip tmr. somebody seems pissed man. well, white slip then white slip lor. it's my first ever in my entire rj life so far it's not gonna kill me since I'm such an angel

HAHAHA.

well. I'm so bent on doing math math math and more math that I might just neglect my other subjects. and THAT, is a big nono. -.- history needs mugging, econs needs understanding, lit needs practice and gp... needs skeeeeeelz.

think that's my weakness when it comes to mugging. har. I always mug something way too hard that I neglect everything else. which sucks. and is something I have to overcome!

that said, something to look forward to this week: iceskating this friday :)

I went window shopping today. escaped from open house. queenstown is a GREAT place to get jerseys. gosh. I think I'm getting an FCB jersey soon, seeing as I already have an FCB beanie. not that I have any real affiliation to any specific soccer club. but if I'm gonna buy their merchandise I have to at least be consistent right?

sigh... term one is when I'm gonna let myself go do what I want once in a while. because when term 2 starts that's not gonna happen anymore. ): life is tough!

2009-01-13T22:04:00.002+08:00

i grow weak-kneed at the mere mention of math, ew this really truly sucks to the core

but I need to snap out of ittttttttt. there's other things to worry about! like uh gp, and lit, and econs, and history. oh that's everything.

if I can't do math, I'll go and read my gp infopack right now, that will restore some of my spirit back, at least it's something i can UNDERSTAND with no problems at all -.-

...I have something against doing hmk, no matter what subject. mugging I don't mind, but doing hmk I really mind, I don't know why, it's so weird.

2009-01-13T21:21:00.003+08:00

I am soooooooo worried for my maths right now, omg seriously okay I don't think I've ever been more worried for any other subject ever in my entire life, even chem can't beat this. in fact I was never really worried for chem -.-

really I am so fucking worried I could cry, and I'm not even kidding, I'm tearing okay shit.

I'm horrrrrrrrible at maths and dropping to h1 is not an option. I went for some overseas education fair last weekend and it's seriously scary, the cutoff points are so freaking high. I needdddd every single point I can get, every single A that there is to get. shit. and I know I'm better than h1, I mean no offense to everyone taking h1 math but I CAN'T DROP! I know, I just know, that I can do it and get that A at the end of the day despite everything... call it blind faith, I'm inclined to call it high self-esteem (:P) but I'm gonna need all the help I can GET!

which means. I need TUITION! and I need individual tuition. but it's so damn ex you know, it's like 600bucks a month, and my dad doesn't it wanna pay.. which means. HOW WILL I GET BETTER?! don't even talk about getting an A, how the fuck am I supposed to passsssssss. I mean it's one thing to say I'm willing to give my all and do whatever it takes, but I can't do this aloneeeeeeeee, I need HELP, GOOD help.

I definitely am going to ask that new teacher for consultations but how many consultations can I expect, man. at my current level of understanding, if I had my way, I'd have 4 consultations a week, each lasting an hour.

it's seriously stressing me out lahhhh. shit man... but I have to find a way. somehow, I have to. I want that A so badddddd. I know I can do it and I'm not gonna let anything stop me.

God help me, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

-

that said, time to cheer myself up. wenqiang says my blog is super emo now, haha. well man. I'm sorry, but there's really not much that goes on in my life that's so interesting.

and.... I've got nothing more to say. I can't stop thinking about math. I'm currently doing math right now, and I'm that close to ripping my hair out. and this is just P&C. not even complicated shit like binomial expansion or summation or shit like that. ah.

LIFE JUST SUCKS RIGHT NOW, I'LL JUST LET MYSELF THINK THAT THE WHOLE NIGHT. ):

2009-01-11T23:34:00.002+08:00

this is just the reason why my dad and I don't get along.

he got pissed at me over a fucking stapler! no, I'm not kidding you, a fucking stapler! just because I put in a different drawer from the one he puts it he gets pissed and he says he'll fucking beat me like a cow.

THEN he starts accusing me of taking away his pens. HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHERE THE BLOODY HELL HE PUT ALL HIS PENS, I'VE GOT MY OWN BLOODY PENS WHY THE HELL SHOULD I USE HIS?!?!?!?!?! and he says I'm lying, that I'm denying everything

WHY WOULD I DENY EVERYTHING?! to escape a beating? I don't particularly care anymore. he can threaten me all he wants, I'm not gonna change. "change" in this case simply because he's infinitely tidier with his things than I am with mine. what a stupid fucking reason to be scared of him.

2009-01-10T16:39:00.003+08:00

you are the only one who would know what I was talking about, if I poured my heart and soul out to you right this moment, heaven knows I need to do that. and I know you wouldn't judge me even if you were paid to.

I just wish I could do all that, I wish things were so so different.

because that's the way it goes

2009-01-10T10:02:00.003+08:00

I want to run away. to some place safe, where they'll never find me unless I want them to, somewhere silent and tranquil, where I can let my thoughts become the ceaseless stinging ringing within my head.

I want to be told I am loved, I want to be told that I deserve to be loved, I want to stop believing that I am a worthless blip only because you make it seem so, and I want to do something right just so I can show you I'm not that worthless blip, but I don't want to give you the satisfaction, and I wonder why I am so headstrong.

my only remedy is listening to daddy's little girl by quietdrive. pathetic.

2009-01-08T17:13:00.002+08:00

one of those days I feel like I'm losing faith in humanity. for selfish reasons.

but. it's okay. I won't think about it. the more I think about it the more I get trapped. and that's stupid. I know my turn will come some day, and when that day comes, I'll be the happiest girl on earth.

meanwhile.

you are an unwanted intrusion. I don't like the way you invade my mind this way. get. out. one question though. why did you even try if you don't think I'm worth it. am I just a happy pawn for you to use as you please because you know. I don't like being used.

I should never have gotten involved. I know I was gonna get into a whole lotta shit, but for you it seemed like it didn't matter. I mean I thought you were worth the time. well. apparently not.

2009-01-08T16:53:00.002+08:00

school's starting 4 days!!!!

.. life is tough.

for serious

2009-01-06T17:59:00.002+08:00

ew, I feel like a stinky mess now.. just got back from a run. wait, I don't feel like a stinky mess, I am a stinky mess. -.-

haven't got much to blog about.. except that I don't want the school year to officially start this coming monday.. then again you'd have to be mad to eagerly await j2 life. either that, or really, really, motivated. crazily motivated. -.-

aight, have to do lit now. sucks to homework man. sucks. to. homework. times like this I really wish I could just grow up to be a tai-tai with no further ambition in life than the next guess bag sale.. any takers??? hahaha...

catch that running nose!

2009-01-02T22:56:00.003+08:00

hi I got a new phone! :D

and normally I wouldn't announce it to the whole wide world but I am beyond ecstasicism. I don't know how to spell that word. oh wait. it isn't a word. the noun is ecstasy. -.-

I BET YOU DIDN'T THINK OF THAT EITHER?! er. or not. :D

anyways. it's an lg secret! I LOVE IT! :D it's a bit laggy, justttttt abit, but I love it all the same! it's got really cute games. and really cute tone sounds :D awesome prorsum!

oh btw that's my new favourite phrase awesome prorsum! you know, cos of burberry prorsum and stuff. :D not that I actually admire it, because I don't know what it's about in the first place, beyond knowing it's a clothing line? with lots of coats I think.....

I actually googled it, to prove how authentic I am, though really there's no need to prove :D and I only found one stupid result under awesome prorsum. and therefore I am 100% cool, and by the end of the first school term people will be catching on to it like crazy, I mean of course, I came up with it. HAHA xD

besides, it's SO MUCH COOLER than saying "awesome possum"! what the shit man, possums aren't awesome! they're ugly and they have scary eyes! which aren't even as cute as bugsy's from bedtime stories. and by the way, I googled possum too, because I can't possibly rely on my limited knowledge of what a possum looks like from ice age 2.

anyway yes back to the phone.

it's got this awesome motion sensor game which is called "magic ball" and basically you ask a yes or no question and you give the phone a shake and it gives you a yes or no answer. hahaha

"I'm hot, right?" "be honest and ask again." (my brother's only question, he got quite dispirited)
"I'm wicked smart, right?" "NO.."
"___ doesn't really have a big **** right?" "very doubtful"
"will I ever get married? "go for it!"

HAHAHA it's damn fun :D it's good for people like me who like to suan other people :D

in all honesty though, do try your best not to take offence if I suan you a lot or if it seems a bit insensitive, I get carried away sometimes, and really the more I suan you, the more it means I treasure you and love you as my friend:) if that brings you comfort. :D if not, well.

OPPS?

in other news, I got through half of pride and prejudice! and will attempt to reach 3/4 by tonight :) wish me luck. I'LL NEED LOTS..............to even get to, well, whatever fraction is between 1/2 and 3/4.

yes indeed I do take h2 math!

okay off to explore my phone bye :)

2009-01-02T11:22:00.002+08:00

haha my brother's in 1q! >.< I find that very amusing. I missed his first day of school today, because I couldn't wake up in the morning. it's such an ungodly hour that I still am not used to okay? I kind of regret it now, because I haven't seen him in those shorts hahaha. I can't imagine him wearing shorts! it's like he's too small for them or something.

ermmm no I was referring to overall height, not anything else. -.-

well. I am (visibly?) proud of him! (:

and then. I have got nothing more to say. today is such a laze-about day and I take joy in the fact that other non-jc people have got to go to school already while I still have one week left to go.

whoopdeedoo.

ONE MORE THING.... pride and prejudice is such an insufferable bore!! I know I've mentioned it before but still. I'd much rather be learning something of more substance. -.- the only character I like in the book is elizabeth bennet, for obvious reasons..

alright I'm off to laze about some more. bye.

2008-12-31T18:36:00.002+08:00

I'm going to batam tomorrow! haha :)

today is the last day of 2008, so it would seem appropriate that I think about new year's resolutions. obviously the most anticipated event would be alevels. ha. but I'll keep my goals to myself, thanks :)

before that. 2008 has passed by in a blur. It is undoubtedly the best school year in my teenage life, it's just as good as primary 5. Let's try and recollect the best parts of the year.. in no particular order,

1. having an awesome class--need I say more?

2. finally being in a school with boys, and falling hard for two different people whom you might say are polar opposites of one other..

I definitely came out of that experience having learnt my lesson. never fall for guys whom you regard as "different", just because they're not like everyone else. phooooey. still, it's a bit wondrous how I managed to fall for such different people. I mean, one is the sweetest boy ever, and the other, well, er. is just not as?

that said, it's nice hanging out with the guys sometimes. they can be such gentlemen when they want to. and I somehow feel like I don't quite have to be so guarded around them.

3. going to four countries in a year!

indonesia, malaysia, turkey, and the uk! my only regret is that I didn't take a lot of pictures in the UK. I'm so glad my parents eventually let me go for the trip, though! I made a bunch of friends and even nursed a crush on one of them >.> woops?

and turkey, ohman. I have never been to such a livelier country in my life! the people are so spritely and warm it's hard not to like them, though I bet derek might beg to differ if he ever reads this, haha. he thinks they're the complete opposite. no harm done, though. different people, different opinions!

one more word: fatih! :) never have I seen eyes green-er than his. sigh.

4. starting the year with a refreshed view of life

and I mean starting 2008, not 2009. after a nasty heartbreak in 2007 I somehow realized that insecurity is really something tricky, that it could pull a curtain over your eyes if you let it rule your life.

I was jealous of a lot of people back then. then I realized you just have to stop being envious of what other people have and stop seeing all the inadequacies in yourself, and start being confident about who you are. essentially, nobody can make you feel less than you really are unless you let them do it.

that certainly made things a lot easier, though I still have other personal demons to deal with nonetheless.

5. getting over asssssssssssssyyyyyyyyrafffffffff

this is greatly due to a heart-to-heart with one of my classmates. if somebody has a huge inferiority complex and refuses to see that your heart does not belong to anyone other than him and gets jealous because you talk and laugh with a particular cute guy a lot, ain't my fault I didn't see it coming.

and I'm probably stretching it here, but it's like when a loved one departs this earth. it's simply fate, and it's wrong for you to wish you could have been there to do something or say something to avoid it happening.

yep. so. 2009..

1. romance: whatever man. I'm leaving it up to Him.

(and I will do my very best, whatever it takes, to get over you, and forget about you, because you're not worth my time)

2. studies: work like nobody's business, like furiously hard, and I mean furioussssssss, like I've never worked my butt off before. ever. UNTIL I GET IT RIGHT! until I know I've maximised my potential. because I haven't done that the entire 2008 and because quite frankly EVERYONE NEEDS TO.

3. family: mmm... my relationship with my brother has never been better, honestly speaking. but I could still be a better sister. and. well. I grudgingly decide to be a better girl.

2008-12-30T20:17:00.003+08:00

you fucking cunt I hope you fucking die and rot in hell fucking asshole

I don't know what the fuck I did wrong, what the fuck gives you the right to fucking scream your fucking ass off at people when you had a fucking bad day at work? GUESS WHAT EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS THEY JUST GET OVER IT

it is so unfair the way you think you can just take my stuff away from me like that! I fucking hate you but did you think I can't survive without what you take from me? I don't fucking care, I hate you, I'm gonna find ways to do what you thought I couldn't do anymore you asshole. just because you're an adult and you're the fucking man of the house everybody is supposed to run away and cower in front of you for fear of getting their asses kicked

when you stand in front of me and threaten to fucking punch my nose I wish I could just tell you to fuck yourself and go to hell and I say this with every bone in my body, I am so pissed off I can barely type right because my hands are shaking so fucking much. does it bring you joy watching me cry? does it bring you joy when my face is streaked with tears and snot and blood

FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. if I head a choice I would just run away tonight and never come back until you say sorry for thinking you can make the whole house go down on their knees just because you're the fucking man of the house. FUCK YOU. if there was a worse word than fuck, I would use it a million times because you fucking suck asshole.

2008-12-30T12:40:00.003+08:00

malaysia was such a boreeeeeeeee. -.- I swear I had more fun on the road trips and in the hotel rooms talking shit with my cousins than doing the actual sightseeing and walking around and stuff like that.. AND I NORMALLY WOULD BE JUMPING OUT OF MY SKIN TO GET OUT OF THE HOTEL ROOM. -.-

the original plan was to go to an island resort, but it turned out to be virtually inaccessible because of flooding in the mainland near the docks area so my parents decided to go to malacca.

but we made a big big big mistake.. because m'sia was having a long weekend! which we weren't aware of.. so malacca was PACKED, even the dirty kampong-style beach chalets were infested with people ): we spent 7 hours! SEVEN! looking for a hotel (and I'm not even kidding) and eventually had to go all the way up to seremban which is an hour away from malacca and we got a hotel where all the ministers stay when they go seremban hahaha

at least the hotel was nice! the room was humongous lah. it had a king-sized bed and a huge desk and an even huger toilet, and three friggin cupboards and still there was enough walking space for an extra bed and three people to sleep on the floor. and when we opened the curtains the view was fantastic! could see the whole of seremban for miles around. awesome man. there were only three of us in the room, me and my two cousins :D

we talked so much shit we ended up sleeping at 4:30 in the morning heehee :D

I love breakfast buffets! pricey, but you gotta love an all-you-can-eattttt. there's so much to EAT! that you just keep loading your plate with food and stuff yourself silly. hahaha

and then we went putrajaya. DO NOT EVER GO TO PUTRAJAYA OKAY SERIOUSLY. IT'S FRIGGIN BORINGGGGGG. there's nothing there but nice buildings and clean streets and huge mosques and a million bridges and the prime minister's office. it's nice, but not a nice place to be in, you'll lose your mind of boredom I swear. -.- it's got very little to offer, in my opinion.

then we went to mines resort! which was better lah, but it was night so we didn't get to see much. we took the cruise and stared in awe at the six-star hotel and snapped pics of the lighted-up deco.. it's a pity we couldn't do more. ):

back to the hotel! breakfast buffet again! and then we went to KL! berjaya times square. WHICH IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST FOR KL. haha. really. if you don't know it, it's this huge complex with an indoor theme park and lots of retail space. the admission prices for the theme park are quite high. it's 43rm per person on public holidays. but it was worth it!

I forced my cousin to ride the hugeass rollercoaster with me and she screamed my name like nobody's business throughout the friggin ride, hahahahahaha. it was damn fun though! but one thing I will never do, is take the inverter ride. it's seriously scary lah! it's like the old cadbury inverter at escape, but MORE MONSTROUS and way more hardcore..

I LOVE ROLLERCOASTERS. and i miss the rollercoaster at genting man. ):

and one more thing... I swear if I ever need a confidence booster I'll go to malaysia okay. go figure. -.- I hate m'sia mats. -.-

that lingering touch

2008-12-26T22:16:00.003+08:00

currently addicted to the song I hate this part by PCD. I know, it was out a long time ago but I just got the feel of it. :)

anyway you know what, if I didn't know better I'd think I have a stalker. -.- haha no I'm kidding, he's not actually a stalker of course, he's an old crush of mine! IN PRIMARY SCHOOL, nonetheless... it is realllllly infuriating the way he keeps showing up at my void deck at that particular hour. I mean I have never spoken to him before, EVER. even in primary school.

at this juncture it would be evident that my only reason for crushing on him was because he's a stud. the kind who always has a posse following him around.

anyway he's been showing up there for three nights a row with his friends and he never fails to smirk at me and call out my name while he's at it. MY NAME. MY NAME?! I never even talked to the dude. and he knows my name? -.-

it's even more infuriating because every time he calls out to me he has to say something about my being in raffles. i mean, it's like, just FUCK OFF DAMMIT?!

on to more important news. I bought a cleo magazine today! haha. I regret spending 5bucks+ on that. it's just full of tips on beauty and sex and dating and at first I was looking at the pretty people inside and going man I wanna be as pretty as that. but then it gets pretty drab, don't you think? gross.

yesterday my cousin told me that it's not my fault I don't have a boyfriend. it isn't like no one's ever told me before, but it gets hard to believe without the cold hard facts.. I've got 3 years to find me one, she said, and it's fine that I don't have one now.. and that if things keep screwing up between me and a certain someone, it's because things aren't meant to be and that there's someone even better somewhere out there waiting for me.

I would like to put all my money on it and just go with blind faith but I don't really see what is so desirable about me. sure, there's random guys asking for my number on the street (believe me, it disgusts me more saying this than it disgusts you hearing it) but that doesn't count. it feels like I'm missing something sometimes, and I just haven't got enough spice, if you know I'm saying.

I would like to ask a particular guy friend what he thinks about me, a platonic friend, because I've asked similar things before, and yeah well, I've always been a little too frank for my own good. but I like it that way.

it all boils down to insecurity, I suppose, because I have never looked upon myself as someone who actually has a sparkling personality or an xfactor or something like that.

-.- how depressing. yesterday I managed to dispel all nasty thoughts from my mind with a nice cone of macadamia nut icecream from haagen dazs, but today it just keeps invading my thoughts persistently and I've just been sort of dazed the entire day.

sigh. life is tough. I'll get out of this phase, I know, but I'll fall into it again, and it's like a never-ending cycle. gosh.

I'll be gone from tmr evening until monday, on holiday! my final one before 2008 ends and I'll be condemned to a life of mugging, mugging and oh yea, more mugging. screw this man. -.-

2008-12-24T20:23:00.002+08:00

right, so I've finally gotten down to studying.. my head is swimming with numbers and summation signs.. gross.

and I finally watched nick&norah's infinite playlist! I watched it alone, since it's so hard to pull my friends out from their caves. -.- and my demand for it is inelastic. regardless of the absence of complementary goods like popcorn and friends. ha, yeah it's not half bad, really. I mean, watching it alone. you should try it some time.

more importantly! for those of you who've watched it, I like the scene where they have sex. haha. nah, I'm kidding. I just am intrigued by the fact that their sex sounds were recorded, haha. wonder what became of it. O.o

next up.. twilight. I haven't watched it yet, don't suppose I'm gonna watch it. I mean I just don't get the idea of vampires existing today, much less falling in love with mortals. it's just absurd. maybe if they had hotter stars I'd go watch it, but I don't consider that robert dude hot, he's rather skinny in my opinion.

I'D RATHER WATCH YES MAN! :D jim carrey's just hilarious. gotta love him...

and in other news... I'm slightly surprised by myself. I haven't been wallowing in self-pity or misery or anything. maybe this is supposed to be bad, cos I don't really feel anything. cos maybe it hurts so much I'm numb. I don't know, I'm not gonna care. whatever it is, I've still got some time before school starts and I'm not gonna let some lousy guy get in my way of living my life.

I ATE AT SOFFRA YESTERDAY :) it's a turkish restaurant near suntec. I had lentil soup and turkish bread and turkish CHOCOLATE PUDDING. omg. heavenly, man. the moment I tasted the lentil soup I felt like transported back to turkey, to the restaurant at the first hotel we stayed at.. sigh. I miss the turks. the waiters were so damn friendly lah. and it wasn't because they were looking for tips.

had some interesting conversation over the food.. I had to pause and wonder what it is with smart girls and boys from that particular country. -.- a little disconcerting, I must say. geez.

oh yea and merry christmas to everyone who celebrates it :):)

2008-12-21T16:23:00.004+08:00

just got screamed at by my mother. -.- I don't like it when she treats my past like a delectable piece of gossip and talks about it to other people. I would rather stay away from it than be reminded of it, and here she is hanging out my dirty laundry for all and sundry. geez.

I mean it's okay if she talks about like, the number of bookings I had, or my pathetic grades. at the very least, that stuff's got streetcred value.. and even that but not other stuff!

given, the people she talked to didn't judge me, but still. she never likes people to know that much about herself and there she was, right across the table from me, telling people we're barely getting to know about how much of a badass kid I used to be. damn.

well in other news... I was just cleaning out my cupboard the other day. loads of useless papers and files and letters and shit like that. but I found so many reminders of the past. fun shit! I forgot some stuff about myself, from the past. haha..

like I used to play comp games a lot in primary school. I found this list I made of the games I loved the most, it was so cool.. gta3 topped the list, haha. then it was sims, then unreal tournament, then cs. and there was even an old gta3 walkthrough under the list! flashbacks of frantically flipping through the pages going SHITSHITSHIT! when I didn't know how to finish the mission and I already had a fourstar wanted level. hahaha.

...kinda wonder why I don't play comp games now. I should. I miss playing unreal tournament lor.

then there was a bunch of letters I wrote, which I wanted to give to significant dudes in my life at whichever point in time. it was so so lame.. there was even one from this year. oldest one I found was sec2. haha. erm. maybe I shouldn't call it 'bunch' of letters. there were only four. haha. I didn't write the person I was writing it to, and I had a mighty good time figuring out which letter was meant for who. and I was like, "wtf.... why did I ever like them????"

next up. my sec4 chemistry performance task. hahaha. almost everyone in class failed that, I remember. I don't even understand whatever gibberish i submitted lor. i know it probably made a little sense at the time, just a little bit, because at least I didn't get a zero, or for that matter a one-digit number. it went something like "a suitable method of salt preparation is precipitation" and I'm like wuhhhhhhhhhhht??? hahaha and the ionic equation is completely alien to me. (x

(just to save my skin a little bit, I PASSED CHEM EVENTUALLY. best miracle I ever performed. haha.)

and thennnnn. I found an MOU! a Memorandum of Understanding. and this tiny paper which I never threw away, that had my name and a couple of other girls' names on it, asking us to go see some teacher who was supposed to set us straight. back in rg. it was weird... I kinda almost completely forgot about all the shit I got into back then. haha. like 10 million bookings, maybe, for coming to school late, a few random ones for things like no nametag and wearing jewellery. (either because I was wearing a necklace to school, or because I put a hairband around my neck after an angklung performance. haha.) apparently I was supposed to have 4 DCs! detention classes.. phew. haha. I only remember going for one.

and there was something about structured study as well! HAHA structured study. kind of a joke. I remember writing nonsense on a foolscap paper just so it would look like I was writing some kind of essay homework.. hahaha. damn idiotic man.

I know it was a hellhole when I was there, but I can't rmb the hellishness of it all now. not really, anw. it seems like sooooo so much has passed from the end of 2007 to the end of 2008... I read my blog entries from the start of this year the other day and I feel disgusted. like, damn fake. -.-

OH! oh. and I found a diary entry (I had like, tons of different diaries, cos I could never stick to one!) where I was raving about this older dude I used to crush at the start of the year. no prizes for guessing who he is, people.. -.- he punched my arm, like that guy thing guys like to do, and my friend said my face was seriously damn red. how gay.. even if I am a girl, and girls tend to blush more than guys. but ew. gayness.

sigh...

well. dirty laundry or not. my past is still my past and there's nothing I can do to get away from it. best to live in the now. forget all the shit that used to happen, forget how pathetic I used to feel when it happened, and just set my sights on the horizon and work towards it. nothing for it now!

declaration of independence?

2008-12-20T22:24:00.002+08:00

I hereby declare my own independence. because from this day onwards

I am embarking on a self-imposed hiatus from being romantically involved with anything that has a willy attached to it.

here's why.

1. they're the most confusing things on earth.
2. I am tired of flirting, whether it's coming from me or from them or from both of us
3. I really do not need to fall for someone new
4. it would be nice to look at guys whom I perceive as being "different" as being just that, "different", instead of "special"
5. it's best for everyone
6. correction: it's best for me, it's not really best for them.

amendment: I am joking about no. 6, I'm not insane, with my luck it's probably the best thing to ever happen to them

as with all events, this one has a cause, undoubtedly, in this case, a boy. and because I've just finished two online conversations with two separate friends who happen to be boys, also because I can be this paranoid, the idiot who caused this thing, is someone I first met in january. so there. it's neither of the two online freaks.

heh. just kidding guys, you aren't freaks. I'm just in a foul mood, I suppose.

oh, and the hiatus lasts, optimistically, forever.

temper temper!

2008-12-20T20:20:00.004+08:00

dum-dum-bee dum-dum-dum-bee dum-dum

I have a horrible temper. I don't know how many people know this, but it's really horrible. I mean I don't get pissed off easily, but it's horrible when I really do get pissed off. I can't stop using expletives (more so than usual, I guess, ha) and my fists (or feet, choose one) just can't stay still. at my own and others' peril.

I lost my phone cos I was fuming once. haha, I was in the bus and I got a message that really ticked me off and I just cast my phone aside like it was getting consumed by like nanites or something. and I forgot to take it back. -.-

yeah well..

was looking at my dad's turkey pics just now, and man do I msis that place sia. -.- I want to be in turkeyyyy. ): I want to go back, to the beautiful people and their awesome friendliness and their ubercool hospitality, and the superdamnwicked culture and the reallyreallyreallyreallyreallytimesinfinity RIDICULOUSLY COOL PLACES.

ahhhhhhhhhh.

it's 6 hours behind, so it's like 3 in the afternoon there? wow that's early mannnn. i mean relatively. I could be in so many places at three in the afternoon. AHHHHHHHHH. there's so many places I wanna revisit, so many other places I haven't gone, and most of all, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY GODDAMN SNOW ):

oh yeah, and fatih with his coolass shades and his totally jamesbond (pierce brosnan, not daniel craig, ew) kickass features and his catgreen eyes and his weirddddd turkish-australian fusion accent. hahaha I miss him too! mainly because I've never seen a dude who can pull off looking like a jamesbond replica so seamlessly before, okay. given, brosnan's ancient by now, but I mean brosnan in his err early 30s fuiyoooo.

besides, he said he thinks I'm cute. HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN, EH? xD

yea okay. BYE.

2008-12-19T13:46:00.003+08:00

because you don't want someone to love, you want someone to bolster your ego and make you think it's okay even if you suck at what you do. you want somebody that can make you feel strong again because you're too weak to do anything about it on your own.

I might just be saying this because I'm hurt, and because I'm angry, and these might just be words jumping out of my mouth, fuelled by frustration but I don't care. you're gone to me.

I've got another confession to make, I'm no fool

2008-12-18T21:18:00.004+08:00

I'm currently camped out in front of the tv with mum and my grandma and my bro and my maid. laptop's on my lap. finally where it should be. on TOP of my LAP!

anyhow I'm not in the best of moods tonight. that's because I'm bummed out.

I swear I've never felt more jealous of anyone in my entire life before. honestly speaking. I have felt jealous of people before, I guess that's only normal. but really though. I never really wished I could be another person, not in the sense that I didn't want to be in another person's shoes.

this time, it's like, I can't help thinking, "why can't it be me?" it's like a longing to be in that person's shoes, and I feel horrible. I wish I could do what she can do.. I'm not gonna go much farther than that. kind of feel inferior to her? geez, I haven't felt inferior to anyone since like primary 3. -.- is downright weird..

I could match up, according to khaliq. just in a different way. really now? I don't see what's so special about me. just like any normal girl you wouldn't pay much attention to after the first glance.

I know what kind of person I don't want to be, and what kind of person I want to be, and I've been trying to live according to that. but just this once, I might be irrational, but I don't care. just this once, I wanna be someone else.

just want you close, where you can stay forever

2008-12-17T22:29:00.003+08:00

you know I've always been the kind of girl to follow her intuition more than anything else. most of the time, if I think about it too much instead of just doing what I instinctively wanted to do in the first place, I end up screwing things over. so I go with the gut feeling most of the time. worked out fine for me so far..

but even I have to admit that you can't always follow your intuition. gotta factor in practicality somewhere right... I just don't know what to think, okay. gut feeling pulling me one way, practicality pulling me another..

WHY'S LIFE GOTTA BE SO COMPLICATED, AH? -.- i'm not even trying hard to be this angsty right now, I AM. ANGSTY.

... phew. could use a good game right now. defuse. get my mind off things. speaking of which! i've been trying to get my dad to buy me the unreal tournament game for xboxxxx360. I wannttt. I used to be ace at unreal tournament! i'm not even kidding. now, er..... maybe not ace lah ah. ha.

AND I WANT GUITAR HERO WORLD TOUR. the songs on expert are that much harder to play on world tour than on gh3 or gh aerosmith, and this is just the guitar I'm talking about. haven't even tried the drums and vocals yet! HOOBOY.

but what I want most... I want my friends man. I want to get out and just have a good time! forget about everything. live in the moment. act like nothing's bothering me. just to go all out and have fun, man. is that too much to ask for? but everyone's busy.. ):

haha ohwell. at least I've got memories in the back of my mind to relive. :) lol.. I still remember talking about "furry balls" and licking boobs.. hahaha.

daymmnnn. i miss you guys man. ):

freak showw

2008-12-17T17:13:00.003+08:00

okay THIS is seriously the grossest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. honestly.

I mean if you're a freaking lesbo and you can't decide on being a man or a woman, you can't have the best of both worlds and choose to keep a vag and get a dick at the same time. that's cheating man! not to mention just plain gross.

it's different if you were born with both a vag and a dick, like a few people in the world were. that's not your fault, you didn't choose to be that way. but if you choose to gain another reproductive organ for your own benefit, just because you've got the people who can do that for you and the money to pay them for it, it's like you're mutating yourself for your own selfish desire.

it's not like wanting a child is such a selfish desire.. but for heaven's sake men were built for one thing and women for another. why can't we just keep it that way??

make the sun shine out my ass!

2008-12-16T22:18:00.003+08:00

I hate it when you get so flirty sometimes. it irritates me. you aren't even being subtle about it, gosh you're irritating. >:(

well in other news. dad's having one of his raging fits again so the whole house is reduced to tiptoeing around like timid little mice. and I'm in a bitter mood because of that, though I refuse to let myself be in such a mood any longer... despite the fact that I'm listening to a morose song by foo fighters now.

I figure I should get a real favourite band, you know? I mean most of you probably know I really like boyslikegirls, but even I can't deny that they get old sometimes.. not to mention whiny and irritating. right now, foo fighters seems set to take that spot.. but we'll see. coldplay's pretty good too.

geez I'm really changing man, gosh. I used to hate coldplay, and I thought foo fighters were overrated..

anyway this is no good. I'm still feeling bitter!

you know recently I discovered my own personal surefire way to get out of a sour mood.. listening to right said fred's I'M TOO SEXY:D hey I'm serious. it's like, I'M TOO SEXY TO BE PISSED ABOUT THIS. SCREW IT.

I'm not really making much sense, am I? well screw that. :D I'm just writing the first thing that comes to mind.

today I just bummed around alot. went to the library for a while, borrowed a few books that had to do with psychology. so you can't say I'm making a total WASTE out of my holidays. I'm pursuing my interests! hahaha. right now I have this fascination with dreams. you know, subconscious vs. conscious mind. I personally find it fascinating!

dad recently bought me a DUMMY book! psychology for dummies HAHA. I haven't finished reading it. wow now that I think about it, my reading list for this holidays has suddenly exponentially increased. psycho books galore.. woohoo!

guess what. I finished reading the FIRST chapter of p&p! HONEST TO GOD, MAN. IT'S LIKE THERE'S NOTHING BETTER TO STUDY THAN P&P. I get it, jane austen's good and stuff.. but honestly I couldn't give a shit about a bunch of flighty girls running around trying to get boyfriends, and their honestly irritating mum who has this infernal need to be such an english ahma okay.

if someone did a singaporean version of p&p, I swear she'd be the ahma wearing like a cheongsam and waggling her finger at her daughter and going "gergerl ah, must marry a nice man hor.. must be handsome, must have good salary, must be able to be give me grandchildren!" GOSH. of all the fricking novels to choose, they choose an older version of gossip girl, but without the drugs and the beer.

best novel I ever studied was in sec4 man. handmaid's tale. free porno as well, somewhere in that book. if I remember correctly. I know we watched the film adaptation, and there was a part where the lady was naked and you can like totally see her tits in all their glory. haha.

okay yeah I'm done now. :) lol.

ohyeah I watched juno today. sweet sweet film. don't really get juno, as in the main character, but she's still admirable cos she's damn spunky and all that jazz. and apparently michael cera has nice legs. I can't tell you know, I seriously can't. they're just really white to me. for obvious reasons.

anyway this is my favourite line..

"look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do, is find a person that loves you for exactly what you are. good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty.. handsome.. what have you. the right person's still gonna think the sun shines out your ass. that's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

just so right man.. I love it. :)

on another note.. just surfing purevolume. most bands today are so faggot-y. like for real. have you seen what the lead singer of the academy is was wearing in the music video for about a girl? honestly. that top made him look like a girl... gosh. gotta give them props for the song, though. nice enough :)

alright I'm gone bye!

2008-12-15T23:29:00.003+08:00

some people have got all the luck in the world huh...

I swear sometimes I hear people talk about their lives, and I just can't help being jealous. it's like I want some of the things they have, you know? and I'm not talking about material possessions. I rarely get jealous of people for that.

I guess if you're good enough and if you know me well enough you can figure out what it is I want so much. I understand that I can't force it.. but just for once, I wish things would just work out for me the way it seems to work out for other people. I mean, it's just infinitely easier for them, and it's frustrating, because frankly they started later than I did, and they already got what they wanted. how long am I supposed to wait? I don't know if it's me, or whatever, but it hurts something awful, man.

I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever have a happy ending.. it isn't like I've not doubted it before, I have, countless times. but I'm really really questioning it right now. sucks, I hate it when I'm this kind of mood.

I guess all that's left to do is to just think about whatever I already have right now and just have faith that it'll all work out in the end. it's no use thinking about this kind of stuff, after all...

that lightning in your eyes

2008-12-15T22:44:00.003+08:00

I'm back to talk shit again! :D

haha no la I'm really dividing my time between watching tv, listening to the offspring, blogging, downloading music, having 3 msn convos, reading a friend's blog, and... that's pretty much it. I'm waiting for mind your language to come on.

it's this really cool retro show on okto. don't know if I've ever talked about it here before. but anyway it's basically my family show, we just climb into my parents' bed and watch it together. and usually fall asleep right on cue when the show ends.

but nowadays there's more incentive for me to stay awake because I've taken to watching the show after that, which is allo allo. lots of dirty jokes, not really what my parents like, but that's the cool thing. I can make it my own! my favourite retro show from the 70s. well at least I think it was from the 70s HAHA.

... I hereby conclude that all the offspring songs sound like the lead singer's got something stuck up his nose. so sengau seh, the suara. not my taste. lol. I really couldn't care less if you're an offspring fan :D

well anyway I've got a new band interest! DANGER RADIO. their songs are really cute. kinda gay, but cute. clubbish, but still poprocky. ehh I like that word! POPROCKY! sounds like a word which would fit right in in mary poppins hoho

I'M OFF MIND YOUR LANGUAGE START READY :D

and if you're interested, you can check out danger radio at their purevolume site. HERE! give it a click. I love you. bye.

2008-12-15T12:07:00.002+08:00

hellooo I just got back from the gym and I'm on my bed now resting my poor poor arms.. well however much resting that can be done by lying on my stomach with the laptop in front of me..

I can honestly say that I really really really need to work out a lot more man. I want to pass 2.4 lor. at the rate I'm going sure cannot one. -.- I did like less than 1km on the treadmill and I conked out. wtf! then I did 9km on the bike machines and 2.5km on the rowing machines. ahhhhh I need to go gymming more ):

the fact that my arms hurt is primarily due to the rowing machine. pullpullpull! damn tiring ah. didn't really help that the rowing machine is at the part of the gym where all the heavyweight lifting stuff goes on. -.- everyone that stepped into that area besides me and joanna were guys, I mean LEAN AND MEAN guys you know. intimidating much.

yea anyway I'm so gonna make more trips to woodlands gym now that I know it's such a fun place. okay maybe not fun, but just cooler than yck gym. -.- I can actually use my mp4 while I'm working out at woodlands gym! it helps alot you know.

the guys that come to woodlands to work out are nowhere near as hot as the ones who go to yck gym, but that's a plus! no distractions. hoho.

ohyeah btw I didn't go alone, I went with joanna and polly. got the most gym time among the three of us, cos joanna came late and polly had to leave earlier. yay me! -clapclapclap-

you know I was thinking. if they made us bike a really long distance instead of making us run 6 rounds around the track, I WOULD SO PASS WITH FLYING COLOURS OKAY. alright, maybe not flying colours. hovering colours?? O.o well better than my last 2.4 timing T_T

hoping to catch twilight with the dudesss either this week or next. me and joanna are planning. expect an sms from me soon. haha. oh and I only choose people I like to go out with, so please be patient while you wait with bated breath HOHOHO.

I bumped into syafiq today! syafiq azhar, I mean. at macs at causeway point. after gymming me and joanna were (naturally) hungry, so we headed to macs to grab brunch? lol. I wanted hotcakes but apparently there's no paying with ezlink card there so I had to take sausage mcmuffin instead. nice too! but just not AS nice ):

anyhow syafiq is such a blur blob. he didn't recognize me. I was so heartbroken!! huahuahua no la.. that one long time ago sia. story finish ready. and I also didn't recognize him at first, if not for the fact that I noticed the mysterious dude with a cap shoved halfway down his face sitting with the 'rents and the bro.

...can someone please tell me a good site to download videos from?? I want to put videos in my mp4 budden I don't know where to get them from.

ciao I fell asleep bye

2008-12-13T20:21:00.002+08:00

I just read a poem that one of my friends wrote. he's so good! and he thinks it's a piece of crap. tell me why these people come into existence. they should really get real man! he told me not to mention his name here, so I shall reluctantly do his bidding. -.-

anyway this is me responding to his poem. no it's a poem, because obviously I can't write for nuts, and I'm not being hypocritic here HUH MR POET.

sometimes I wonder why I have friends!
and then there are times when I wonder why and how I got to know friends like Mr. Poet here
not to mention the times when I wonder, how come so many of my friends are so retarded
and then I wonder what I ever did to deserve such love :)

and no Mr Poet, this is not about love.

2008-12-11T23:32:00.002+08:00

mulling things over.. 'soul-searching', if you will... although somehow that seems like such a overstatement. I guess, in a way, I am trying to find myself. because.. okay nevermind. this is just getting way too deep..

anyway.. the other day, on my birthday, felt so surprised that I got that many birthday wishes. they weren't exactly like breaking down my door, but it was still quite a surprise.. a pleasant one, of course. and all of them, from people I hold dearly in my hearts.. people I always talk to, hang out with sometimes in school.. good friends.

and then I realized I've quite a number of good friends.. I mean I'm not trying to be smug or show off or something. yes, it makes me feel good, but only because I know there's love all around, no matter how corny that sounds.. it is nice to feel loved, of course!

but how often do I get to meet someone I can really hit it off with? more than just being able to hang out a lot with them. that I can do with any good friend.. I'm talking somewhere along the lines of best friend. never really had a best friend since primary school. I had three different best friends at that time.. one from p1-p3, another in p4 and another in p5.

start to wonder why. and that brings a whole lot of other questions to mind. and it's like she was on cue or something, my mum mentioned to me the next day that she thought I would have been better off if I went to another school, somewhere other than rgs. didn't exactly hit me like a pile of bricks, just slightly depressing.

wondered how my life would have turned out if I hadn't gone to rgs. I might never have gone to rjc, I doubt I'd get 6 points for my olevels..

anyway. maybe it was rg, maybe it wasn't, but then there's this door inside of me that won't open up. corny shit, but really. I'm almost afraid of being my real self. fine, not "almost", I am. thought it was a fear of judgement that was hampering me from truly opening up to people, because I'm not like that with my family, cos I know family doesn't judge you, ever. know you inside out, upside down, whatever, but they'll still love you no matter what.

but it's not just that. I don't really know what it is, but all I know is that I'm not fully opening up to the people around me, despite having many good friends. let's say I'm still 20% closed up. wish I could be 100%, but how, when I don't even know who I really am?

2008-12-10T19:40:00.002+08:00

thinking, thinking, thinking

you've gotta get on your biz
tell me what it ain't, or what it is, I can handle it.

what are you so afraid of? c'mon, just be straight.

or am I seeing things that aren't there again?

reminisce?

2008-12-09T19:50:00.003+08:00

i bumped into my ex today. how awkward..

you know I think the only reason why I found it so hard to get over him was because.. he's got this look when he's sad about something. like a puppyface googly-eyed kind of look. made him look so pathetic i just didn't have the heart to even think it wasn't my fault that he left. lol.

okay, maybe not the "only" reason lah, but still a big reason..

I seem to somehow be drawn to people with self-esteem issues.. it's nothing, I'm just making an observation. I hope asyraf doesn't read this and take offence. ha. that would be weird, indeed.

I'm kinda glad I don't have any connections with him anymore. lol. okay not "kinda", more like REALLY glad. now the only time that I see him is when I bump into him. it is extremely weird, let me tell you, neither of us can even maintain normal conversations for longer than 5 minutes.. imagine if I were to see him every weekend again like I used to. ahhhh.

okay yes, anyway. the other day I was cleaning out my closet, if you will, not literally. just figuratively speaking. anyway I came across this piece of paper that I wrote when I was all emo about him. my first reaction was T_T ohmygoddd i can't believe I was that emo.. and then the more I read it the more I thought it was so sweet.

sweet like, you know the kind of thing that you write initially because you're hurting a whole lot, but when you look back, you start to realize that it's all part of growing up. haha yeah I know that sounds like damn corny ah, but really, I mean. getting hurt because of this kind of shit, is just something everyone goes through, and when you look back and remember just how hurt you were, you somehow smile at the memory.

I don't really wanna dwell on this topic any longer, first of all because it's weird to actually feel nostalgic about something I felt so hurt about. and second of all I gotta go before the memory gets resurrected? I don't know how to spell that word..

SO! I will go and upload some more long-due turkey pics. lol. :) byebye.

2008-12-08T21:18:00.002+08:00

you know, I was gonna make this whole entry about my brand new fist-sized blue-black bruise that's on my calf right now, cos really the story's quite laughable, but then I'm pissed off right now so I'll just keep it short.

basically, I forgot that I was wearing skinny jeans when I decided to be smart and jump over a chain link. could hardly move my legs up high enough, so I tripped, and my calf smacked gravel.

it was in the carpark. it probably could not have gotten more humiliating, because a random stranger screamed out loud when he saw me fall and then he started sneering at me. what a douche bag.

lol.

sigh.. today is hari raya aidiladha. but strangely enough I didn't even go to the mosque today, cos I can't even step in. that time of the month. I just visited three houses in all and spent half an hour at one of them saying prayers. I had lunch twice, and a hearty dinner indeed.

but then my dad lost his temper on the way home because I didn't help my brother link up to the internet modem on his laptop, and then I'm still feeling quite dispirited from that.

how long is it gonna take for me to ever accept that my dad can be pretty much a freaking ass when he's pissed off? I can't take that you know, I really can't, and I often find myself wondering why my mum puts up with it. personally, I find it hypocritic of my dad, I don't believe he works where he does, and I really shouldn't be saying it here, but I don't care, I need to say it somewhere.

at least when I lose my temper, I don't lose my ability to think rationally as well. I thought part of being an adult was learning how to control yourself. I didn't even mess up horribly and he screams at me and calls me a bloody idiot and screams at me and brings in other things from my past that he knows I don't ever wanna talk about ever again.

I was thinking, he could go on and on forever about how darn stupid I am and how irresponsible I am and how I'm a bloody idiot, and he could threaten to beat me up silly a thousand times, but I just don't care anymore. you know after all this time I think of them as routine. empty threats. he always does it when he's pissed, but i don't particularly care, he can do it as much as he wants, and I still won't go the way he wants me to.

he just doesn't get that I can think on my own now, that I know what my limits are and I know how to follow instructions, and that just because I don't do things the way he does them, doesn't mean I'm not gonna get it done in the end all the same! it's really irritating, you know.

I tell you by the time this year is over I would've definitely learnt a lesson from dad.. how to suppress my anger. cool huh.

shit.

feeling all superhuman, you did that to me

2008-12-04T00:21:00.001+08:00

It’s been a very good day indeed, even though I only went out with yuhan and Joanna in the end. And yuchen for a while. Still, the fact that they take the time is good enough for me. I’m a very content little girl tonight!

Maybe not little. I AM seventeen after all.

Yknow I’m starting to wonder if it’s something about January babies that like to remind December babies like me that we still have 12 more months to go to turn 18, and they only have one more month to go. -.- suckers. Hahaha nahh I’m kidding. it’s just qiwen and jazi, who incidentally share the same birthday!

speaking of same birthdays! I already found out that two other people in rjc turn 17 today! One in my batch and the other one year above mine, both guys. Small world, small world...

and now I have to reply to everyone who wished me happy bday. I really appreciate it you guys, and if I missed you out, and I’m sure somewhere along the way I’m missing out somebody, please forgive me. I lost my phone remember, so I lost my contacts too. In no specific order whatsoever,

Syazwan (twice lol) Polly (twice too!) Haslina (twice three!) Maryam Derek Jonlim Vanessa Maria Kak Nur Yi Ning Khaliq Hanif Di Wei (twice four!) Fads Joanna Yuhan Yuchen Wenqiang (twice five!) Amin Victor Hani Albert DanialHakim Asyraf Nakata Matthew Iqbal Hijazi Qiwen DanialBadron Saiful Zulkifli

Amin damn retarded, know. I didn’t have his number, then I asked who he is then he say “faris’s dad”. Aperkebendeeee entah, hahaha.

Btw I bought my shoes today! WHY NO ONE BUY FOR ME AH, WALAO. MY BDAY SIAL. I WANT MY PRESENT YOU KNOW. Heehee nah I’m kidding, I really don’t need presents guys. I know most of yall are in permanent personal economic recessions of your own.. heehee but really don’t need.

I know it sounds corny, but just showing the love is a good enough present for me. I’m serious.

In the end I bought the black and red converse shoes, love em love em love emmmm.

Doesn’t mean I’m not growing up anymore. I suddenly started noticing today that certain types of dresses are actually pretty and not really casual but still good for street wear. I’ve only got two right now, and I got the sudden urge to go shopping for moreeee.

And I need new pumps. You can guess which colour I want them in. and necklaces, especially.. and oh threequarter pants. The tight black ones. Fedoras are nice too, if you know how to wear them properly..

Aiyo... scares me that I’m becoming girly. Little by little. I don’t LIKE being girlyyyyyyy. ): well not that part of me that’s always been a little disgusted by things like accessorizing and wearing pretty girly clothes.

BEING SEVENTEEN IS NICE.

Anyway I’m all talk and no action. I tell you it takes like dunno how long to convince myself to actually go DO the shopping. -.- sigh.

In more important news, I’ve been thinking about whether I wanna stay in Singapore or go overseas to study.. talked about it with a few people already.

I wanna go overseas! I know it’s a huge thing, being away for like 3-4 years and only coming back home once or twice every year or sth? Leaving all your friends and family behind, it’s almost like starting life anew, in a completely different environment, surrounded by completely different people, none of whom you know that well at the start.

I love all my friends and I also obviously, needless to say, love my family. And I realize that maybe I’m just bored with Singapore because I don’t take the time to see what’s good about life here. That maybe it’s a perception thing, that if I change my perception I’d see that life here is already pretty good..

But you know, what can you say when you can’t change the culture around you, or the buildings surrounding you, or the kind of people around you? I would definitely miss my friends and family. But I would rather take the plunge and go somewhere I have never experienced before than sit around here willing myself to ignore the fact that I’m damn bored with life here despite my family and friends being around.

And I promised myself I’d try and see as much of the world as I can. I should do it when I’m still young! Haha that’s what I’d call a fulfilling life. To be able to see all kinds of people in all types of different cultures and conditions.. to really see for myself what God gave to this earth, and to us, the human race.

I just hope I’m not being too idealistic, cos that would be indeed be a problem. Still. I won’t say no even if I’m being too idealistic. It’s a learning experience, anything would be better than staying in Singapore...

Complete change in tone: I TOOK NEOPRINTS TODAY. Haven’t taken them in ages, I almost wanted to call them neopets instead. T_T here’s one where I’m sticking out of a toilet bowl, and yuhan and Joanna say I look nice in that one. gee thanks, of all the times to look nice, when I’m halfway down a toilet bowl hahahha :D

Kay I tired of typing ready. gtg bye(:

next day I'm a supergirl, out to save the world

2008-12-03T09:05:00.003+08:00

I dreamt about fatih last night!! excited much.. :P I just love his eyes la. so bright green. lawa kan. aku pun jakon, tak pernah nampak mata orang kaler hijau. dry laugh

anyway

happy birthday me (:

be real

2008-12-02T23:09:00.003+08:00

i went shopping today. something that I seem to be doing more and more of. I hope it's just a holiday thing. I don't want it to be a permanent affliction. I don't have the physical, mental and financial means to do that. dry laugh

anyway. now I have to choose between
a pink etnies shoe
a red and black converse shoe that looks totally punkish (it's even got anarchy signs and everything) and
a plain black and red vans shoe

don't you dare ask me why I want a pink shoe. it's not really pink lah, it's mostly white, put the etnies sign is pink.

I'm so unusually emo tonight. not emo about anyone. well for the most part, no. but

polly told me I'm growing up. haha. I guess I should be glad, but then she said I'm becoming more girlier, cos I apparently seem to be more open to girly stuff. I'm kinda scared. is this really me or am I really growing up? I have never liked pink before.

okay that aside. there's more important things going on than my sudden attraction to the colour pink. -.-

I've really been trying, honestly trying, to be more like an adult, to grow up. honestly speaking.

to me my two biggest problems (calling it flaws makes me depressed) are that I can't control my anger, even though I rarely show it. and I've got a fear. a really huge fear. that I'm scared to admit here, and that I really have to seriously fucking get over, it's starting to be a pain in the ass.

I've been trying to think more like an adult, act more like an adult and less like a child. it sucks that I have to grow up. I feel like I wanna grow up but at the same time I don't wanna face the fact that I'm gonna be 18 next year, and that technically means I'll be an adult next year.

and I feel nothing, NOTHING like an adult right now, even though I'm only a year away from being one.

it's like polly said, next year alevels, and then results, and then hopefully uni and then work!

where did the time go? I'm not prepared to grow up... but I have to you see.

I should have gotten a job, man, shit.

anyway I'm quite sure I am growing up, at least in the way I want myself to grow up. not in the way I didn't envision, like starting to like pink, eurgh.

I got pissed the other day, by a series of events, and basically the whole day sucked balls, but I didn't bark at anyone or spew profanities the whole time, and I could still smile. progress! (yeah, shut up)

but there's still a lot more work to do. I swear next year I'm gonna get a job the moment a levels end. I need a friggin job, yo.

and I selfishly hope the economic downturn lasts the next decade. it makes money less of an issue to go study overseas, in the likely event that I cannot secure a scholarship.

there's something else I reflected on that I'm not telling anyone about. feels horrible just thinking it, but I can't not think about it. is it reality... is it finally sinking in. shit I don't wanna give up.. if I'm growing up, I've gotta stop doing things blindly and just trusting my emotions. but that sucks, what happened to the six months plus that this thought never crossed into my head..

metro station said you won't be seventeen forever.. I wanna seize this chance, just do what my heart tells me to do and just trust my instinct and jump in.

what a major suckfest. I'm getting slightly schizophrenic..

in other news! to cheer myself up a little..

I like orchard rd at night. there's loads of cute guys around. and any city is nice at night. it's sexy. ;p

it's midnight!

I'M SEVENTEEEEEEEENNNNN. finally.

daddy please gimme back my mp4 now. ):

free advertising

2008-12-02T13:48:00.003+08:00

HAHAHAHAHA :D

"PULL! THRUST! PULL! THRUST!"

"never before has one gone flat on me"

my new fave tv show! allo allo, on okto every monday night at 1130 I think go watch! :D

2008-11-30T22:41:00.002+08:00

you know the thing that I hate the most about some adults?

it's that when they get pissed, it doesn't matter what you have to say for yourself, and they think they're always right when they perceive something about your behaviour even if they're jumping to conclusions.

even if you say nicely that they have it all wrong, they won't wanna listen because they're ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS! FUCKING RIGHT?! they go "I don't CARE! shut up!"

and then they use that tone with you and say that's that, and when you ask why, they go "you still wanna ask some more questions? I should smash your head. you can go to hell. you hear me? go. to. hell."

you can guess which adults I'm talking about.

and if I talk back, which is what I wish I could really do to my dad, I'll get a bloody nose. I'm not even joking.

at least when I get pissed I don't drag everyone else down with me, and at least I know to go and find a corner to be alone and just cool down.

feminist?

2008-11-30T08:28:00.002+08:00

I can't decide if I like being a girl.

haha. just something that I've been wondering about the past few days. among other things. don't worry I've no intentions of undergoing a sex op or any such thing, but you just think about things like this from time to time.

the reason why I got to thinking about it is because...

I hate it when there are visitors, and there you are trying to be nice and being like a good host and stuff, and you serve them drinks and kuih and whatever, and then they're like

"alahai, dah anak dara! dulu kecik2 aje, skejap lagi dah bolehlah kahwin!"
translation: "you've grown into a young woman! you were so small last time, now you can get married in a few years' time!"

it might not sound as irritating to you, but it just gets under my skin.

it's as though I was just born to be a lovely darling little thing doing up all the chores at home and getting married when I'm of legal age to.

don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping out at home, but for god's sake, if I do it, it's not because I want to be seen as this giggly frail little helpless thing who's a good "anak dara" but it's because I can help, and I should help, SO I HELP!

I don't suppose you get what I mean, let's just say I'm feeling quite feminist this morning, for some reason. call me stubborn, I don't care. -.-

crazy

2008-11-26T22:48:00.003+08:00

(disclaimer: whatever impressions/suspicions you might get from this post, please just ignore them, I'm being a total wacko tonight, you'll see why)

I'm a TREASURE.

that's right. a TREASURE.

somebody called me a TREASURE. wanna guess who?

nah I'll just go ahead and say it, you'll NEVER GUESS, omgggg. it's my boyfriend, he's just totally cute and hot and everything, and he's totally sweet, because calls me his treasure. :) are you jealousssssss. be jealousssssss. cmonnn. dontcha wish your boyfriend was HOT like mine. dontcha wish your boyfriend was a DARL like mine.

hahaha yeah don't believe a word of that bullcrap. I just downed a grande caramel frappe, so I'm kinda high. I'M ON THE NINTH FLOOR, BABY. NINTH FREAKING FLOOR. NOW WHERE'S MY CLOUD, I NEED TO BE ON CLOUD NINE.

no la, the truth is that, my mum's colleague called me and my bro treasures. 8D and it feels good to be called a treasure because sometimes I just feel like mum wishes I could be someone else. because she talks more about other people's children being exemplary children for me to emulate, more than she tells me how wonderful I am.

but actually she doesn't need to do that, I KNOW I'M WONDERFUL :D and I'm sure you agree right :D but honestly though, I know my mum, she rarely says touchy-feely stuff like that, she pretends she doesn't like it when I kiss her as a form of apology when I piss her off, but she LOVES it, I swear. just don't go thinking that I'm such an emo child okay. I know my mum loves me. :)

back to being a treasure! you know on hindsight, it was kind of a shallow thing to call me and my bro treasures, but see I have to tell you the context so you'll understand why it's kinda shallow.

she called me and my bro treasures because we're both in raffles. well technically my brother's not, but he's GOING to be. so I guess it's counted as well. and she threw in another really NEAT compliment as well! but don't need to say that, it's not important, lol.

dyou see what I mean? just because we're in raffles, we're treasures. I mean yeaa, i know, it's the whole WOW RAFFLES thing. but that's old, man. that's all she ever says about us. how smart we are. (supposedly)

I could be a treasure because of something else! like let's see. we all know that I'm such a beautiful intelligent educated humorous light-hearted woman right

hahahahaha I think I'm more grossed out by that myself, than you are right now haha. (x

anyway whatever it is, it's still nice to be called a treasure! how often do I get called a treasure huh. really, maybe it's because I've been in raffles so long I've forgotten that I'm actually special, and I say this matter-of-factly, okay. because everyone in raffles is special, that special becomes normal!

huhhuhhuhuh. cool thing huhhh.

okay whattt. no it's not cool, nevermind. -.-

hoooo okay I've got nothing more to say. I'm gonna listen to fall out boy now. their old songs, because I'm in a I-wanna-be-a-shallow-teenager kinda mood.

2008-11-25T23:22:00.002+08:00

OMG MY BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEEK!

I HARDLY NOTICED?!?!!

WHY SO SOON.

and I just asked a bunch of my friends to go out, it's gonna seem like I'm begging for a birthday party hahaha

-.- ohman really I thought it was like two weeks more or something. heh.

...

you're gonna think I'm faking this whole thing right, so I might as well fake faking it hahaha

or maybe I'll FAKE fake faking it. ...what does that even meannnn.

anyway this isn't a hint!

IT'S NOT!

I told you I'd fake.

forget it, I don't want you remembering my birthday's NEXT WEEK, 3rd DEC, THIRD. PLEASE DON'T REMEMBER THAT :D :D :D

it's like I checked into rehab, and baby you're my disease

2008-11-25T22:26:00.003+08:00

i just got back! today was quite good :D

even though I got a little bit of a scolding from mum because I came home later than she prefers me to.

I had tuition at 2.45, and then I went orchard to meet my cousins! :D they'd been out since morning la, but since I had tuition, I couldn't go earlier ):

but it was still great! my older cousin brought me and my younger cousin (she's actually the same age as me) to eat at swensens, bought us bracelets and havaianas too! :) I really loved the swensens late lunch though, it wasn't so much the fact that it was swensens, haha it's just nice to kick back and talk crap with them sometimes.

with my loud cousin sitting beside me and the older one opposite me. heehee we even talked about boobs.

get this. boob sizes can be likened to fruits: the smallest ones are oranges, the bigger ones are watermelons, and the LARGEST ones are.. apples. you know why, because the apple isn't the size of the boob anymore, it's the size of the thing on the boob!

HAHAHA

yeah it's sick I know but I don't care it's damn funnyyyy. it made me think you know, how lucky the boyfriend/hubby must be, if you get one with the apple size, you probably don't need to buy your own pillow, can just use her boobs as your pillow hahaha

generally it was very fun :D and yayyy I did one of the things on my list. I spent more time with my cousins! (:

and update on everything else, I guess.

I tried learning it ends tonight on the piano, and it's a beautiful song on the piano, but MAN OH MAN. the verses are so fricking hard to learn. and I have to make my own score you know, because I can't find the score on the net. I'm watching youtube videos and learning.

it sounds 98% like the real song, but I didn't know it'd be that hard! :O

and I downloaded sheet music for drowning by the backstreet boys. aye it's nice on the piano aight. don't sneer. it's not nice. >:( wahaha. just that it's hard as well.

what else...

I was listening to at40 today and I heard a song which was about not wanting to pretend any longer. quite nice. I don't think it was about a girl, or anything about love. sort of has meaning for me. but I didn't get the song title, because ryan didn't say ): either that, I was too busy doing math.

tuition mah. I really don't like. it's not helping me at all.

ps. I just found that song I was talking about. guess what, the title's love remains the same. wtf. -.- i really thought it wasn't about love lor. aiyo. I think I wasn't listening properly, because the last line of the chorus is the title of the song alerrr. -.-

....i think I have a crush on katy perry. HAHA. no la. but she's so hot man. if I were a guy, she'd so be my new favourite pop artiste. and she's abit like pink, don't you think. but more feminine-looking, hahaha. that's why I like her. the pink thing.

and RIHANNA AND JT ARE SO HOT MAN. I wish I could be as hot as rihanna ): rihanna's the hottest female pop artiste in the business, I think, because she's not at all bimbotic and she doesn't even care even though she's fricken hot.

I should really stop talking about hot girls.

JT IS SO HOT. I WISH. erm. haha I wish I had someone like him in my life. !?! I don't know. I have to wish somethingg. -.-

okay enough randomites. gtg! cya.

seventeen forever? i think not.

2008-11-24T00:10:00.004+08:00

I'm highly turned off right now.

in the past half hour my laptop has decided to go on a power trip or something, TWICE. so this is the second time I've written the SAME blog post over again after losing all the stuff I already typed.

humph. oh yeah the first line, the "highly turned off" thing, is supposed to be a joke hee. cos my laptop got TURNED OFF. so did i. ha. :P

anyway here's what I have to say.

after coming back from turkey, I've realized how easy it is to lose yourself in the rhythm of metropolitan life. yeaaaaa I know it all sounds very cliche and all, but really once you see such beauty, and once you realize that's only a fraction of the beauty God gave to this world, you really see the importance of remembering that the world isn't just limited to what you see before your eyes

okay yeah. so I haven't really felt as though the holidays have officially started, in the sense that the feeling that I've really got A LOT, A LOT of time in my hands, hasn't really set in until now. even though holidays are almost half gone.

that's because I haven't been doing anything productive or memorable, excluding the actual vacation. my maid's been away and my parents have been on leave so it really felt like mega slackfest time.

but now my maid's back and my parents are going back to work. I'm beginning to start to want to do something more productive before school starts.

so I figured, since life is gonna be an utter mugging hell next year, and I'll be this lifeless being walking around school, feeling deprived of a soul, I might as well enjoy life while I still can now! in my own way, of course.

I'm gonna..

1. learn more contemporary songs on my piano (contemporary, meaning, songs normally played on the radio)

2. read more books which I find deep meaning in

3. listen less to meaningless songs and more to songs which I can actually find meaning in

4. cycle more!

5. spend more time with my cousins. :)

basically that's it. the list isn't complete yet, but I haven't thought up of anything else yet. for now this is it!

and yes I promise I'll start mugging soon. :D really.

I have to find an econs tutor, and decide if I still want maths tuition because I really really abhor it. and I have to buy my lit texts and read them and then mug seahist, most importantly. ihist can go and die

hahaha no la I'm kidding. sorta. :D

aight gtg it's late :D cya guys have fun. doing whatever you wanna do in the hols haha. (:

oh yea and just so there's a link to the title.. actually there isn't really a link. I'm listening to seventeen forever by metro station right now.

don't you just love it when a new song comes up on the radio that's totally congruent to whatever you're feeling inside? it really matches you know. I've probably had like a billion new favourite songs which match whatever I feel inside in my lifetime.

sighhhh. life is goooood. :D

2008-11-21T21:59:00.002+08:00

I miss you.

2008-11-21T13:09:00.004+08:00

well turkey pics are up :)

on facebook that is, so if you don't have facebook that's just too bad :D no la ask me lor the pics are still in my memory card anyways. O.o

anyhow.

psle results are out!

MY BRO IS GOING TO RI :D yeah I'm so proud of him! he sucked all the way until prelims, and yet he was still was super confident about getting into ri even after he only got on the waiting list after applying dsa. haha. he kept saying "when I get into ri next year" and mum and me would be like :S "IF! IF IF!"

yesterday he wasn't even worried at ALL, in fact he was watching kids central and playing piano and basically just acting like he was going to school for some random workshop or something, he's so insaneeee. it was me and my parents who were practically shitting our pants when we were in the school hall listening to the principal talk ahahaha.

I don't think I've ever heard him scream as loudly as when he saw that he'd been accepted into RI on the s1 option form. hahaha. he really let loose this roar of satisfaction haha. :P

the only thing I'm worried about is that he says things sometimes that make him sound cocky. I know he doesn't mean it and I know he's not cocky, but I swear if he gets cocky I'ma kick his ass. hahaha.

dad's scared he'll make a mess out of himself by becoming a cassanova because he can apparently see the potential. and truth be told I can actually agree a little bit. just a little bit. no matter how disgusting it is to actually admit that this piece of slime who's my brother would actually be popular with the girls, ew... but I promised my dad I'll take care of him, hopefully I won't have to do much taking care of..

well anyway aside from all that. I am really really proud of him and I'm really glad for him as well (: he deserves it.

next year is gonna be fun.... ha.

aside from alevels. T_T

turkiye :)

2008-11-18T20:19:00.003+08:00

HELLOOOO (:

I'm back from turkeyyyyy xD

it was the most awesome place I have ever been to, aside from egypt. wow it's really a very nice place, that's what I've been trying to tell everyone who wants to listen hahaha. ya I know it sounds corny but I can honestly say that I will never forget turkey!

contrary to popular belief, at least as far as I can tell from what my friends' beliefs are, turkey's not actually exotic per se, haha. I'm serious. istanbul and ankara are actually normal functioning secular states. most of the towns aren't like super old and dusty that kind, I mean if you take away the historical sites and everything it's like a normal european city..

but because of the fact that there's a lot of historical sites around, it gives the whole country this semi-metropolitan, semi-ancient atmosphere.. it's difficult to explain. it's just really nice. (:

for one thing the people there are just about the most hospitable and friendly people I have ever met in my entire life. I had the opportunity to have my last dinner there with my dad's friend's friend who lives on the european side of istanbul.. which basically means he's loaded, haha, he's the owner of the anatolia restaurant at far east plaza! they're very very nice people.

I think my favourite part of the trip was this place called cappadocia. it's this place which is actually a volcanic landscape. it's very very very very nice. nice enough for people to start a booming hot air balloon business there, despite the very high costs.. i think it's like 220 us bucks per head. children included? yea.

but the view was spectacular... it literally feels like a dream when I go back to when I was still high up in the sky in the balloon... got a few mental snapshots, haha, and t really feels like it was a completely different world..

you've got to see the pictures to believe it la, actually. but I'm too lazy to upload my pics. I took a lot on the hotair balloon but after 8 days in turkey I only used up one 2gb memory card, haha. my dad used up one 8gb memory card halfway through the trip, and I was like hooboy.

actually the first thing that struck me about turkey was the realization that turkey's actually very much like a european city. it's secular country, most of it's in asia, but there's a part of istanbul that's considered part of europe. 98% of the people are Muslims, though. which is quite surprising, i mean considering the fact that practically the whole country is Muslim, you would THINK it'd be an islamic state, you know, with the islamic law being the only law, and all.. but it's actually secular.

not that that's a bad thing. it's actually good, considering the fact that turkey's growth rate has been climbing up quite fast? over the past decade. and when you think about the reasoning behind why the people want it to be a secular state, it actually makes sense. religion shouldn't be something that's enforced by the state, it shouldn't smother you and be implored upon you... being forced to subscribe to the values and adhere to the doctrines of a certain religion would actually defeat the whole purpose of it. believing in Him should be something that comes voluntarily, out of your own choice.

k I'll stop here, before I go on. haha I'm not usually this intellectual, if you will, heehee. I just had dinner with my parents outside, and the whole time we were discussing theology and history over our prata and nasi goreng and stuff, so yeah. lol, that's my parents for you. the family beside us was talking about having to attend some stupid wedding or something, what a contrast haha.

one more thing... before I give the main highlights of the trip. if you gave me the choice to, and if I had some way to speak fluent turkish within the space of a year, I'd actually not hesitate to study in a turkish university. for one thing, it's near europe AND asia, so I'll have the best of both worlds! besides, I like it that much. it's really awesome.

so yeah here's the best parts of the trip, as far as I'm concerned. no pics though, that comes when I've uploaded them all onto facebook or photobucket or something. I've actually got the memory card reader plugged in, with the memory card, I just finished viewing all my pics. but uploading is a whole different thing, ugh. so stay tuned. I guess. haha

anyways. this isn't order. just in whatever order I remember it by..

1. hot air ballooning!

already explained a little, upstairs. haha. can't really describe much else, the pictures will speak for themselves. (:

2. thermal pool

just like a hot spring, only it was definitely cooler because there was an indoor and an outdoor pool and a connecting tunnel which you could use to swim back and forth between them. there were two outdoor pools, it was a really peculiar sensation, having part of my body submersed in hot water and the other part of my body exposed to the cold autumn wind. haha.

3. underground city

no, I don't mean like a fully functioning city underground like um citylink mall? haha. it was underground city way back when the romans were still in power and the catholics were being persecuted for being catholic. there were 8 underground levels in the one I visited, but only the first four were open for visiting, cos it's too dangerous beyond that, haha.

it was cool la, they even had like traps ready for when the romans found out about their hideout. they had this rolling stone thing which was hidden, and if you rolled it shut anyone who was in the space behind the stone would be stuck there FOREVER. how cool is that!! and they even had like a winery and a chapel and a kitchen and even a STABLE underground. :O

4. ephasus

I don't know how to spell it, actually. it's the first roman city that was discovered, I think. and one of the greatest? most of it's in ruins la, but it's still intact so much so that you can imagine what the actual city was like back in its heyday. there was this huge theatre which is like double the size of the rg amphitheatre.. and the best part is that the acoustics are actually GOOD (:

the guide could stand on the stage part of the theatre, and if you climbed up way high on the steps of theatre, you could still hear him talk even though he wasn't even shouting.

OH. they even had a brothel there. haha. an ancient brothel, I mean. ironically enough, it's located just opposite the library, which is by itself considered the third largest ancient one ever I think. the guide showed us an AD for the brothel (YEAH an ancient ad), it was really hilarious, it consists solely of pictures. haha.

the toilets were interesting as well. apparently shitting was a big business back then (haha get it! get it! word play :D). they had like a courtyard INSIDE the toilet area, and then sometimes there'd even be musicians playing while the people shitted. wth right. lol

5. calcium terraces-- pamukkale.

oh wow this one is like a UNESCO world heritage site, I'm serious. you know there's this method of agriculture called terracing? (I think ah, cheh, cos I don't even take geog) it's exactly like that, except that instead of crops everywhere, the whole thing is drenched with calcium deposits, so the entire place is like WHITE. very very nice. it's called pamukkale, and it's really cool cos there's an ancient city built just besides the calcium terraces.

6. BELLYDANCING

hahahaha no I didn't actually bellydance myself, obviously, but I witnessed it firsthand for the first time in my life. the REAL DEAL. let's see... the second last dinner was at this restaurant cum nightclub place, and we were lucky enough for (apparently) the best bellydancer in turkey to perform for us that night.

I can't very well say if it's seductive or not, because obviously I can't be seduced by it, but judging from the mens' reactions I think it's very much seductive. but it doesn't make you salivate or anything. just makes them gawk a lot.

7. cruise on the bosphorus river.

the bosphorus is actually the river that separates the asian and the european part of istanbul. so we were really lucky to get a cruise on it, with one continent on each side. haha.

8. topkapi palace

just an old palace, lah, basically.

9. hagia sophia + blue mosque

both extremely spectacular. they're side by side, and if you get a hotel with a good view of it, you can really marvel at the architectural feats that they both are. I got an opportunity to pray at the blue mosque (:

10. grand bazaar, silk bazaar, spice bazaar

okay so as you can tell, I'm getting tired of explaining. lol don't know how many people are even gonna read this, I guess it's partially for my own benefit as well, so I can relive the memory again. haha.

anyway the bazaars are just like marketplaces, there's loads of shouting and lelong-ing and the corridors are packed, you have to be quite alert, otherwise some random shopkeeper with a wheelbarrow loaded with carpets might just run over your foot.

I won't forget the spice bazaar, either, for two main reasons. they sell viagra there, I'm very fascinated, the ad said: "turkish viagra, if you take you can make love 5 times a night" OMG WHO WANTS TO DO IT THAT MUCH IN A NIGHT. if I had a husband who wanted to do that I'd just tell him to fuck off, I wanna sleep. ha. O.o

and the second reason is because well. I got. uh. okay I'll just explain what happened.

mum wanted to buy pashmina scarves and dad wanted to buy ceramics. so we were in the shop and they were bargaining very insistently for the ceramics and the scarves. and the guy looked like he was getting a little irritated, so I was just staring at him and worrying that he might get really pissed off. and he turned and then he saw me staring at him and I wanted to smile at first, in the hopes that it'd at least cool him down a little bit, and then he licked his lips, in this way that reminded me of a frog. and I was the fly. okay, seriously.

and I stopped smiling. then he asked me to sit down, and he got my brother to sit in front of me, and I was still thinking, how nice of him. my legs hurt, cos I'd been walking a lot that day. and then I realized he was touching my knee. I was like O.o

okay maybe he's just leaving it there. so I didn't think anything of it. and then I was paying attention to the bargaining that was going on. and then he started STROKING MY FRIGGING KNEE. I was like ?!?!?! but still. I refused to believe anything wrong was happening. and then he squeezed my kneeeeee. like thrice. at once.

and then I looked at him and he WINKED. and he licked his lips again and I was like $#@&$# what the shittttt. i freaked out lah ohmigod I mean it's just a knee, but you know. the way he was licking his lips whenever he looked at me. do I look like a frigging MEAL to you walao. so I got up and I got my brother to follow me to where the more elderly shopkeepers were.

haha I didn't tell my parents. my dad would've wigged out right there and then I'd never be able to get back to the bus because he's uncontrollable when he's pissed. and at that moment all I wanted was to climb back onto my seat on the coach, get back to the hotel and just sleep. I was really tired.

yep... :S life is weird like that.

10. fatih

my tour guide, that's his name, fatih. haha I had a crush on him towards the end of the trip lol. first of all he's got the greenest eyes I've ever seen on a guy. they're almost literally shining by themselves. that was the first thing I noticed about him, actually. lol. but still I didn't think he was goodlooking.

and then he's really smart, he knows a LOT of historical facts, and I mean A LOT. he could spend like an hour and a half just talking about history and stuff, it's really really impressive. of course I couldn't stay awake through it all, but just the fact that he knows so many names and dates and stories is just really awesome to me. I mean I can't even remember my seahist dates properly. -.-

ohyeah he has an aussie accent, but he's turkish. I found that quite intriguing, until he said he spent some of his years down under because his dad had to work there. quite cool! but still I only thought he was goodlooking when most of the guys said he was a very handsome man when they had to introduce themselves to the whole tour group. haha, just one of those people who aren't goodlooking when you see them at first but then they just get increasingly goodlooking the more you look at them.

lol but it was just a crush la. I just think he's cute and that he's smart and he's quite an interesting character since he loves snowboarding. yup.

kay I'm done for tonight! what a friggin long post. haha.

well.. one thing I know is that right now singapore is the most BORING place on earth D: the only reason I'd actually be glad to be back here is because I've got very special friends here and I really love them a lot. (: if I could live overseas and somehow bring them all overseas with me I would, I wouldn't hesitate to.

the whole trip just seems so surreal to me. so much so that I realize how easy it is to be caught up in my own world all the time. before this my world just consisted of whatever was happening in my life. can get quite hectic, although I know I'm relatively free-er compared to other people I know.

but still I was very much caught up in it. and now that I've seen what turkey has to offer, I realize that there's so much more to the world than singapore. sure it's important to work your ass off while you're here in singapore, but at the same time, here, if you get too absorbed into work life, you'll forget the beauty of the rest of the world.

I forgot that there's a whole new different world out there, aside from turkey. europe, indonesia, south africa, everywhere. they're worlds apart from singapore, and I really shouldn't forget that life is more that just about accomplishing what you want for yourself. it's also about cherishing what you've already accomplished, giving from what you already have, learning from what other people have or may not have.

I think that's the beauty about travelling. in the first place, I don't really like to be kept in one place, but I will if I really put my mind to it. which isn't really good for me, I think, because then I'll forget about travelling. and the thing about travelling is that it allows you to be thankful for what you have, without getting too high-and-mighty about having what other people in other countries might not have. in fact most of the time YOU'RE the one learning lessons about life from THEM. which is beautiful, in my opinion.

here, you might think you have it all, a job you love, a salary your wallet loves, a good house, whatever. I want to have all those in the future, I always have. but going to turkey makes me realize never to confine myself simply to how I see my own life. other people might not be as well off in other countries, but they could still love their own life just as much as you love yours. which is something extremely profound for me.

yup. I love travelling. if I had a million dollars I'd jetset all over the world after I finish my university degrees and everything. but since I don't, working hard is the way to go. so travelling is now added to the list of things I want to do in my life, after giving money to people who need it more than I do, and of course meeting somebody awesome. (:

2008-11-07T21:17:00.003+08:00

GOODBYE SINGAPORE,

HELLO TURKEY!

TMR TO 18TH NOV, I'LL BE GONE. LEAVING ON A JET PLANE. PLEASE TAKE NOTE. DON'T TRY AND CONTACT ME, THX :]]]

cryptic

2008-11-06T23:42:00.003+08:00

I'm facing a dilemma right now and I thought so much about it today that it's made me depressed. I don't even know why I care so much, I just do. the thing is that the person I care about probably doesn't even know it.

and even after thinking so much about it I didn't reach a conclusion.

I know what I'm expected to do. I know the consequences of choosing to do what I really want to do and believing there's a way out of it all. bad enough, given the sort of person I'm expected to be, (and I won't elaborate) even by normal standards I'm expected to be my daddy's daughter. (I won't elaborate on that either.)

and I know what I could do. the logical course of action, so to speak. the one that most everyone's been telling me to do. to save my own ass. well what if I don't WANT to just walk away and save my own skin? what if I choose NOT to? I'm not crazy just because I want to help, right?

then again it doesn't make sense.

so I'm VERY confused. and it makes me pissed. to put things simply. good night world.

2008-11-06T10:04:00.001+08:00

[yuhan-less ):]

DANCING DRAGONS FTW (:

2008-11-05T15:56:00.003+08:00

isn't like I've never even thought of this before, considering how much I like you, but why do you I even like you in the first place?

everybody thinks you're bad, I know that, and you know that, and you said you don't care. I can't believe I'm writing this here of all places, for everyone to see, I can't even be completely honest here because I have to consider the fact that other people are going to read this post and wonder what the hell I'm going on about and who the heck it is exactly I'm referring to, and it won't fly if I'm completely honest because of that.

closest thing I can get to telling you, though. and I can't get it off my mind, it's been bugging me since forever, especially after what happened two nights ago.

I don't even know what to say. don't know if you know, don't know if you care at all, because you've never said anything that tells me you do.

I don't know you. shit. but everyyyy time I say I wanna go, to find someone else, leave you behind cos I'm only getting hurt loving you, I end up back where I started and I don't even know why. it sucks to the core, I'm telling you, it's never been so hard for me to forget somebody before, but congratulations you're the first. :/

you know, today I was eating lunch with whoever was left at the chalet, and somehow the discussion turned to somebody else that I used to like, and someone asked me "why you don't like him? he's better than __(you)___ what." and honestly, I said "definitely". and I do admit, I know that boy better than I know you. at least I talk to him more. and truth be told, he's a lot like me in more ways than one.

but I have never felt the same way about him as i have for you, and I never will, and I can't explain why! sure I got all excited when he came up in conversations, sure I managed to convince myself he's the one for me, but it is not the same.

do you know how disconcerting it is, to love you without even knowing why?

if it mattered to me whether you were bad or not, I would never have fallen for you in the first place. I guess I'm not exactly normal in that way?

but then here's the thing. I can't describe why I like you. I can't put it in words. because I don't know. I know how to describe the feeling, but I can't say why, that's an entirely different ball game altogether.

and I don't know if that's good or bad. it kinda makes me feel so self-centred, but I told my friend about it yesterday and he said it's nothing to beat myself up about, because he's been there before and it's nothing to feel worried about.

I'm not crazy because I like someone without even knowing why.

I guess I won't stop until I know for sure. until I know you better. which means waiting until the holidays are over.. because if I don't, that would be weird.

until then, cheers and take care.

class chalet!

2008-11-05T14:44:00.002+08:00

I just finished doing victor's two truefriendstest surveys along with kexin's one, and I must say, I really suck. hahahaha. I think I got the lowest on both victor's tests and I didn't get the lowest on kexin's, but I didn't even get 50% hahaha, what is this, econs uh haha (x

well in other news! class chalet is over! me and victor were the only ones who slept over on both nights i think haha, everyone else went back yesterday night.

I didn't really know what to expect from class chalet, cos I mean after class camp the entire class is sort of more bonded together, but I didn't know if class chalet was gonna be fun or not because errr still not that bonded, I mean there's still cliques.. but I guess we can't change that.

nonetheless it was a very fun experience, honestly speaking, even with the first night hahaha. ahem. somebody got quite drunk. first time ever that I saw someone getting drunk. actually when I was seeing it firsthand I was scared shitless. worried too, but more scared shitless. half of me wanted to do something to help poor victor, but the other half just wanted to sit in the room with the rest of my classmates and pretend there's no one drunk going up and down the stairs outside, lol.

but actually the next morning I thought it was quite funny. the wonders of hindsight.. heehee.

OH and I lost my voice! my first time ever losing my voice this bad, I think! honest. FIRST NIGHT AH. damn fun sia, stayed in the room doing nothing but playing heart attack and snap and truth-or-dare hehe. dare was pretty fun, I had to feed jongoh a chip at first, but he didn't want, so I tried sambor and thankfully he took it, hahaha. truths were all pretty much generic, shootshagmarry, stuff like that. I can't remember half the things people said. I can't even remember what I said! oh haha I had to make an embarrassing decision. and lie a little bit. heh.

EMBARRASSED?!? (haha inside joke, nvm)

actually first night I think I was jinxed, bottle kept spinning back to me the first time -.-

back to why I lost my voice. everytime there was a snap opportunity during snap, or a heartattack during heart attack, I'd scream, and I don't usually scream that much, so I guess my poor voice box couldn't take it.

:D now I laugh like a small boy on the brink of puberty, apparently. doesn't change much, haha. I remember someone saying I laugh like a boy even before I lost my voice, when I was playing cards, so -.-

yesterday morning quynh anh went back to vietnam, don't know if she's ever coming back... I hope she just does whatever she's most comfortable with and I hope she won't make a stupid decision. ):

ohyea, MY BUTT HURTS FROM RIDING THE STUPID BIKE. gosh. stupid seat isn't even contoured properly aiyo. my butt isn't the thing that hurts the most okay, owwww. -.- but biking was such a mess! everyone split after a while.

first night was more fun than yesterday night though. cos most people went back yesterday night, which made the bungalow we rented seem VERY big indeed. O.o nonetheless it was me kris chermaine vanessa victor, we went up to the tv room upstairs and played truth-or-dare. then I told them my biggest secret, told them who I like

their first reaction was "ohh." then silence and a few people mumbling here and there.. then "okay why? give me three reasons why, I'm very curious." "YEAH ani, I'm very curious too, WHY?!" "yeayea, WHY?" and I'm like geeeeeeez -.-

then after that I got very tired hehe so I went to sleep, victor was supposed to wake me up when polly came at 11, but he fell asleep too. and I ended up taking one entire room all for myself on the second floor, and all four of the remaining (I almost forgot to say "remaining", heh heh) girls left that were there, slept in the tv room, which had three beds, they were complaining about sleeping like prunes in the morning, while victor and I slept like princes and princesses with one entire room and one entire queen-sized (kingsized, in victor's case? haha) bed to ourselves. heh.

in my defence, I'd like to say that I thought I was only gonna nap there in the first place, cos victor told me he'd wake me up, but obviously he didn't. and if they'd just WOKEN me UP and told me they need me to share the bed with someone I would have gladly scooted over to one side of the bed and shared instead of sprawling all over the bed like I own it. hahaha

...I've decided I don't like biking. that much. I always end up being first, by choice, because I like speeding up on the bike, but then that always means I leave everyone else behind and that's not fun, because I end up thinking hard about things that I don't really wanna think about, since I'm alone and stuff.

mum will kill me, I spent a bombbbb. she doesn't know I had more than 3obucks with me when i went for the chalet, she thought I only had whatever she gave me. heh. which makes me feel quite guilty now, because if she knew there'd be alcohol involved she would never have let me go, even though she knows I will never get drunk or consume any alcohol myself.

makes me realize she's quite cool when it comes to me going out with friends for long periods of time. despite the way early curfew (10, which always means I have to go by 9, just when people are starting to arrive -.-) she normally lets me go. cool.

so all-in-all, class chalet was a very fun experience and I think most of us would love to have another one, after a-levels next year, haha. zhen xiao (who isn't even IN 1c, he's in 6k, but he came over after sending quynh anh in the morning cos he had nothing better to do) suggested going overseas next year, i wonder if that'll fly with the class. hmm I wonder if that'll fly with my parents, despite the fact that I just said they're quite cool.

what a disjointed post. ohwell. next thing I'm looking forward to is turkey trip! if I hadn't told you, I'll be gone from 8th to 18th. yep. :D it better be cold, dad spent a bomb on winter clothes. -.- it must've been 60bucks apiece, and each one of us (four in total) bought AT LEAST two sweaters, me and my bro each have FOUR. FOUR OKAY. FOUR.

THAT'S WHY, IT HAD BETTER BE COLD.

and I want my old voice back. I don't like being ignored cos I can't talk. and I don't like sounding like an idiot either. my throat is only beginning to hurt now, like there's icicles growing in the inside of my throat. -.-

LET'S DRINK HONEY. NOW! though I'm by no means attracted to it LIKE BEARS TO HONEY hahaha (inside joke again! ftw!)

britney houston

2008-11-02T23:39:00.003+08:00

dunno why everyone's suddenly using this smiley (;

act cute isit. -.- ok la like that then I also wanna act cute. fun rite, acting cute hurhur

tomorrow is class chalet! (; I dunno what to expect, cos victor hasn't told us anything about what he's planning. (;

I'm so glad my dad finally decided to let me go! (; i thought he wouldn't let me go and I was all gearing myself up to get that final dreadful 'no' from him, cos you know, he's a little bit uptight about this kind of thing, since there's boys around. I was surprised he didn't totally blow his top that I was actually mentioning it to him. he didn't! (;

I'm so happy now (; i can hardly contain my happiness (; and joyness (; and wonderfulness (; and the world is just so rosy now (; even though it's night (; which means that it's pitch black outside (; so it can't be rosy (;

haha okay I've had just about enough of acting cute. -.- it probably wears me out faster than it wore you out. gr.

today I was eating with my family at the banquet at causeway point and there was this malay girl that walked past wearing ummm I can't remember what she wearing, just generally very skimpy, and my parents, being my parents, who actually care and notice this kind of stuff about strangers, went TSK TSK

and then my mum went

"who does she think she is, britney houston?"

BRITNEY HOUSTON HAHAHAHA. WHO THE HECK IS BRITNEY HOUSTON! hahaha. oh well. knowing my mum, it's an accomplishment that she even KNOWS britney spear's and whitney houston's first and last names respectively, ha.

okay I'm quite annoyed right now, mum's screaming at me to clean up my room and frankly I couldn't care less. I mean do I LOOK like the kind of girl who keeps all her stuff neat and tidy? she keeps going on about how girls should be neat people. HARDIHAR. I've never been that much of a girl anyways.

and I like my stuff the way it is! she just doesn't get it. I really can't find things when I try and clean everything up. it's easier to find things in that mess, she just doesn't gettttt itttttt. -.-

okay I'm off to pack for tmr. I haven't finished packing and I realize my bag is really friggin dirty. :x

TOODLES (; (hehe)

<3

2008-11-01T21:58:00.003+08:00

QUIETDRIVE (:

my new favourite band! after boyslikegirls. no band could ever displace boyslikegirls. (: anyways, yea quietdrive is awesome. (: totally danceable songs. okay maybe not danceable, they're not like the vengaboys or something, what I meant was.... it really makes you bop your head along to the rhythm. awesome! nice music. is just NICE! especially when it's the kind that sort of invades your soul. that really rocks. (:

2008-11-01T18:30:00.002+08:00

ahhh dad's real busy. I don't know why it bothers me so

should bother my bro more than it bothers me, though. uhh before you start tsk-ing away. it's because my bro just had a sleepover at downtown east with his entire class. so he hasn't seen my dad since two days ago.

it's freaking weird, dad's still in singapore but it's almost like he's on a freaking work trip overseas or something, cos he won't be back until really late tonight, like in the wee hours of the morning I think, cos he's got some function on somewhere

and same goes for tmr! he's off really early in the morning, and he won't be back until lateeeee at night.

it isn't like he's never busy, but he's never been this busy before, you know? and then..

considering the fact that I'm going for class chalet, that probably means I'm not going to see him for another two days. gosh. what the hell.

thursday morning was the last time I saw him, and then I'll only be seeing him again wednesday morning?

quite weird, missing him, since usually I'm quite annoyed by him, and I don't usually show any affection beyond kissing him before I go to school every day. but then again. that's ritual, that's not important. and I kiss my mum too, so.

sigh.

de-op-ify

2008-10-31T22:53:00.003+08:00

what an "explosive" day. heehee

first of all, OP IS FINALLY OVER. :D PW IS FINALLY DONE! woots! (: well my group's op wasn't perfect, but I guess we all tried our best and whatever happened, it's all past now and we just have to accept it as what it is. good job, dancing dragons. (: (errr yea that's our group name :D can't even rmb whose idea it was)

and jonlim! if you ever read this. just don't kill yourself over the laptop thing okay, seriously. it wasn't even your fault. FORGET ABOUT IT! please just do. you honestly looked terrible after the whole thing. nevermind la dude. it doesn't matterrrrr, honestly!

second... after op a bunch of us went to watch "hsm3" haha. well we wanted to watch hsm3 anws but we ended up watching Tropic Thunder, which is this m18 movie :D it's quite funny actually.

went to amk hub with kexin and victor all the way ermmm imitating somebody haha and being all crazy and suan-y (?) since OP was finally over and there's nothing to worry about anymore. met val ros xintian at fish&co!

here, I'd like to say that fish&co fish&chips are definitely not the best in town. victor couldn't finish his, and neither could I, and I SHARED MINE WITH XIN TIAN. okay technically it was hers, since she was kind enough to share with me and pay for the whole thing.. YAY XIN TIAN (:

kexin tried getting tix for tropic thunder, I think the conversation with the counter lady (?) went something like this

cl: are you 18?
kexin: yes
cl: can I see your IC?
kexin: yes
cl: ....you're not 18..
kexin: YES

hahahaha wth. SO! then we decided to watch HSM instead. and victor was moaning about how he paid 16bucks in total to watch HSM3. haha. he watched it before, that's why

personally I would have been fine with anything, cos it's not the movie that matters, it's the people that I'm watching it with. (: even though I've always thought HSM is gay and disgusting, and is really quite disney-ish and politically correct. heh. yea.

anw so the hsm tickets were bought, and then ruiling yumin and sambor came all feeling pretty much betrayed that they were spending 10bucks on HSM hahaha :P but we're such smart people, that we sneaked into the cinema showing Tropic Thunder once we got past the ticket guy. :D

that said.

TROPIC THUNDER'S DAMN FUNNY :D ben stiller-directed movie. the opening scene is DAMN disgusting okay, there's this guy that got bayoneted and his intestines were literally all over the place, and then some guy got an arrow in his head and there was blood squirting out of that hole in his head, so grosssssss

oh yea but all grossness aside, the rest of tropic thunder is very much a COMEDY movie (: hahaha.

and the song at the end is damn nice! the rap one, where tom cruise dances his retarded dance to. damn friggin retarded. but anyway it's get back by ludacris. check it out, yo. it's friggin catchy man.

my fave character is ben stiller... tugg speedman, I think. DAMN DUMBASS SHIT. hahaha. okay you have to watch to know what I'm talking about, so I'll shut up now.

afters went to mosburger for a while, cos yumin and sambor wanted to eat something, but I left before they even got their food heh :D curfew la. it was 930 then my curfew's at 10, but dad wasn't at home and mum was. knowing mum, she'll still cover me if I get back at 11, but I can't take advantage of her like that right.

cos unlike dad, she knows that when I stay out late with friends it's not cos I have a strong aversion towards being a good girl and coming home within curfew but because HEY I LOVE MY FRIENDS?! and she's a little less paranoid than my dad, who thinks that if I get back home any later than 10, I'll get raped while I'm walking back home. -.- gee thanks for the concern, dad, wish you'd manifest it in some other way -.-

dad's just feudalistic like that. but don't tell him I said that. he might lecture me about how he's doing it all for my own good, which I really don't need to hear.

moving on!

THIRD.

was going home, feeling2 ah, got kat deluna's Run The Show blasting in my ears, a brandnew trucker cap on my head and a jacket that's perfect for shoving my hands into the pockets.

and then it was cck mrt la. then got this mat. he was walking past. poseur2 with his fedora hat and everything.. then he walked past and I was staring at the floor kay, cos I was thinking about something, then he bloody stepped in front of me and peeked under my cap, and he was like "lawa sey topi adik, kasi abang pinjam boleh?" (translated, means "nice seh your cap, can I borrow it?")

wtf man. damnnnnnn random!

I just went "heh. NO" and I pushed past haha what a weirdoooooo D: I think he was kinda pissed or something, cos I he went "eh!" when I accidentally on purpose? (HEE) shoved his shoulder a little bit. haha.

hey it was a bad time to catch me. I was really thinking VERY HARD about something okay! two different things bothering me. well three. one I'm relatively less bothered about, but still.

FOURTH!

you don't need a reason to love somebody.. but why do I love you?

I don't even know you.

even the wrong words seem to rhyme

2008-10-30T21:14:00.003+08:00

HEY

i hate being sick ): medicine is gross, and my muscles feel like mashed potato slipping down to the floor. my brain. is just. literally. grey matter. haha

but for some reason I'm feeling incredibly sentimental tonight. I've been listening to howie day's collide and jason mraz, and just generally more touchy-feely songs than I normally listen to.. no idea why

okay fine I do know why (:

& I'm thankful to have such wonderful friends. I love you guys.

(:

"irregardless"

2008-10-29T20:48:00.003+08:00

someone I know told me recently that I don't seem to care about friends that much. I don't know, maybe it's because I don't hang out with them all the time, maybe it's because I don't exactly shower loads of attention and care and concern to my friends all the time.

it makes my skin crawl, hearing someone say that about me. it hurts you know, a wholeeee lot. ): honestly I spent an entire night last week crying so much I might as well have dunked my head in a pail of water, my face was so drenched with tears.. how could they say I don't care about my own friends.... what kind of person would I be if I didn't care about my friends? am I really someone who gives that kind of impression?

of course I freaking care. shit. what do you want from me.. to devote all my time and attention to you? to just hang out with the people you hang out with all the time? what is it?! is it all just because I like both sides, because I alternate a lot between them, that makes you feel like I don't care?

why does this even matter, I thought you knew I love you as my friend and that I really do treasure you. I thought you believed that. to think that you've been friends with me all this while, harbouring doubts about how much I care, keeping your own perceptions of how much I care about my friends, it feels like a complete utter lie.

why are you my friend if you doubt that I care? it feels like you've been bullshit-ing me all along, okay, that's exactly how I feel.

so you might not be my best friend. but you're a close friend, one of the people that I care most about in my life. and that's a good enough reason for me to care about you. even if I might not show it a lot. I swear, I honestly swear, that I do, and it hurts that you doubt I care.

keep me sprung, keep me running back to you

2008-10-28T21:48:00.004+08:00

omg today was so tiring. -.- stayed in school until 730 to do ohpee rehearsals with victor's group.

anyways.

today was the first time that I watched a movie in school. it was such an annoying experience, actually, because we (kexin me xintian) decided to watch the truman show at first, thinking it'd be really cool. THEN IT TURNED OUT TO BE BORING. DAMN SOPORIFIC! haha so we stopped it, and we changed to another movie.

then we watched this movie about zombies, called fido. supposed to be "hilariously funny", according to the cover. IT'S NOT FUNNY LOR. -.-

and then after that went for op rehearsals.. all the way until 7! I like my script much better now, it's not such a bore to read, and I'm actually talking abit about my own interests in it as well. way more fun now la.

by the time we ended everyone was freaking tired! can tell that everyone was damn shagged, but still I had a pretty good time doing that damn flashcard thing that we decided on as our conclusion. hahaha.

ohyeah I bought mineral water from 7eleven today, it cost 2.40. but I left it behind in a54, -.- nevermind la can get new one tmr. it looks like an alcohol bottle! I swear it's damn fun, I can act like some hardcore idiot bringing alcohol to school hahaha

anyways at around 7 me and kexin went off tgt to walk to bishan mrt. I had to pee, cos you know, my bladder's uncontrollable like that. so we stopped at the raja block toilet.

and on my way out, A LIZARD DROPPED ONTO MY HEAD. I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. A REAL CICAK! I thought it was just my hairtie dropping off (even though it's never done that). something just went plop on my head and I was like what the shit?!

and I looked down and I saw a lizard scuttling near my feet AND I JUST SCREAMED. OHMYGOD. ):

yeah okay momentary freakout over..

ride back home was mostly uneventful, except that I bumped into yanto at the bus interchange and we walked home together. yep. it was nice talking to him, even if it couldn't have been more than 10 minutes. I nearly would've missed him if he hadn't walked right up to me and waved. haha. oh btw, he's my neighbour. :)

argh.. in other news. I admit that I'm actually bothered by something. or rather, someone? mmm no it's not a girl, it's a guy. I don't like like him, but see. that's just it. he's weird. as in. he makes me feel weird. you know? and he's been freaking emo recently and everything and there's just this way that he looks at me which completely freaks me out because... you only stare like that at people you love? okay "love".

and he's my friend lah! dammit! better not be what I think it is. I hope to dear God I'm being delusional and that I'm wrong, pleaseeee let me be wrong. I'd hate for some shitty thing to happen cos. if I'm right, it just will and it'd get ugly. and I don't wanna have to choose between friends. -.-

ahhh. ): sad life. it's okay if you don't get it. not really meant for you to get it anyway. :)

cya guys bye

^^

2008-10-27T23:34:00.002+08:00

okay call me slow

but I LOVE CORBIN BLEU! seriously! if he weren't so gay in hsm I'd have been fangirl-ing about him ages ago

but see I hate HSM, so. yea

I think he's so sexy la. HAHA. really! quite shameless of me to say that but he is! especially when he smiles that smile, and he's got these big big eyes and he's so natural. not like prettyboy zac, whose face just SCREAMS "disney put me here so all the little girls can swoon about how hot I am even when I'm sweating like hell"

corbincorbincorbin! :D hot as hell, baby. woots.

lucky to have been where I have been

2008-10-27T19:25:00.003+08:00

fourplay! (: one of two pics I took. the other one's with cheryl kwok!

-

anyway!

YES I'M GOING TURKEY (:

not for one month (not yet!) but just for 10 days first. would be really cool if I got to go for one month though.

I'm leaving on 8th Nov, back in Singapore on 18th. yep. but first day and last day isn't counted because we're spending the whole day on flights to and from singapore. yep.

speaking of which, the flight isn't a direct one, so we'll have to stop at abu dhabi and transfer ): I hope abu dhabi has a nice airport. maybe not as nice as changi airport, cos expecting an airport to be exactly like changi airport is kinda unreasonable since changi's like the best airport in the world or something right.

I just hope there'll be cafes there or something, so I can stuff myself a little before getting on the plane, I hate airplane food! seriously you just don't feel like eating when you're thousands of feet above the ground. ): and airplane food looks like it just came out of the factory. (which... it.. probably did?? where does airplane food come from, anyway.) I don't know why that revolts me so, considering the fact that every plate of normal food is just as generic as the last one, it just grosses me out.

ha shit I'm freaking pampered. -.-

moving on. went for the trip briefing yesterday at suntec. the guy giving the briefing was super funny, he's got this typical singaporean accent.

zero = jilo "so it costs two two jilo dollars, ah, per person ah" (haha no that's not the total cost, just optional tour cost)
flight = fright "your fright will leave at 11:25pm, prish report at 9:25 hor"

I can't rmb much else, haha.

four things I'm most excited about..

1. skiing!
2. hot air ballooning! :D (possibly, it's the optional tour)
3. blue mosque
4. ice wall thing (maybe not wall, it's just some huge ice formation thing I think)

something I'm not looking forward to AT ALL.

1. bus trip that's gonna last ONE WHOLE DAY D: (BUTTSORREEEEE. times like these I wish I had a PSP ): )

I wonder what kind of food they have there. FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD! besides kebabs and turkish ice cream, those are the two most commercialized turkish foods haha. OOH I WANT HIBISCUS JUICE! I tried it out in egypt the other time, it's just like ribena, only it's exotic :D and it tastes less artificial.

maybe ribena is secretly hibiscus juice in bottles. O.o scam! :O

half my weekend's been spent shopping for winter clothes. I now have one trenchcoat, one scarf, four pullovers, and longjohns. -.- it better be 5degrees there okay. and I really hope it's gonna be winter there! they have snow! I wanna see snow! that's not of the snowcity variety.. -.-

ohyeah I missed

lastly, I thank Him for being so giving. I feel damn lucky okay. just yesterday I was in a state of ecstasy about hotairballooning and I gushed about it to my cousin, and she told me she was so jealous, cos I'm damn lucky that I go on holidays once every year. that kinda subdued me. I'm just lucky my parents like to travel, and they can afford travelling once a year. ): plus this year I went to UK already! that would make turkey my second trip to Europe, and it's not even in a lifetime, it's in a YEAR!

I am a very very lucky girl. and I have much to be thankful to Him for, even if it might not seem like it a lot of the time. should start thinking about what I have instead what I don't have. :S

and I was already planning to go to Europe for my studies. ha. -.- I should really learn how to count my blessings more. ):

life is like a box of chocolates

2008-10-25T22:06:00.003+08:00

I've heard of shameless mats and ahbengs who ask for random people's numbers on the street.

but I NEVER heard of GROWN MEN shamelessly asking for people's numbers on the street!

I'm not stopping there okay, it happened to me today.

some indo guy who looked like he could probably be fit into my life as the bus uncle in some alternate reality, asked me for my number.

first he asked me how to get to jurong. then he asked how come I can talk in indo. then he asked where I'm going. (I was gonna meet my friend at borders) then he asked if I have a boyfriend. then he asked if he can have my number.

I'm like HUH?! WHY?! I really wasn't expecting it okay, it was so frickin suddennnnn.

he's like since I seem like a nice girl and I don't have a boyfriend, he wants to just berkenal-kenalan. which means he just wants to get to know me. wtfrick?!

I'm like nonononononono. then he said oh that's fine, since I probably wanna focus on my schoolwork.

HAHA. UHHUH. SURE.

I swear I wasn't repulsed at all when he first asked me for directions, but then he started saying weird things and he even told me "you're really cute, I like talking to you." I'm like... ?!?!? "......uh. sure."

he asked what's my age, and I said 17 (though technically that was a lie, but no harm done!) and he replied oh I'm 16! HA. HAHA. HAHAHA. it was a joke lah, but I think I laughed so sarcastically at it cos I wasn't even bothering to hide the extreme discomfort/exasperation/wtf-ness. my brain was screaming SIALAH GILER SIAK ORANG TUA NI?!

at that point, my weirded-outness was going in to overdriveeee, but luckily orchard underpass was coming up and I was like "oh you can get to jurong by mrt. bye!"

and he said he didn't know how to use the underpass so I had to send him right to the doorstep of the orchard mrt first, wahhhhlaos.

and JUST BEFORE HE LEFT. he told me this:

"you're a really kind person to send me off until here, thank you. I've lived in singapore for 10 years so I know how to get around from here. bye."

ALAMAK. you live in singapore 10 years also don't know how to get from orchard to jurong! wahhhhhhhhh GANNNNNASAIIIIII. ): ): ): ):

what a scumbag! hmmmm or should i say.... SCAM BAG. for SCAMMING me. AHH.

life is tough. ): I will probably never want to speak to grown men on the streets in indonesian again. ):

...that's what life does.

it makes you cold.

ooooooo.

k, forget that last part dunno why I said that. the point is, I'm just so scammed right now I could kick myself for being so gullible. ):

--

in other news I watched fourplay last night! quite good, better than the college play, heh. damned funny la. I'm not actually friends with any of them except for cheryl kwok and kexin of course, but I think they all gave wonderful performances. especially titus with the whole "cynthiaaaaaaa" thing and nabil with the asthmatic gasps, and seng henk with the thing about cynthia's boobs hahaha.

suvitha was so convincing as the dumb blonde with the big boobs that everybody falls for. she just spoke in this completely dumbass voice. reminded me of pamela anderson. ha.

ceekay gave a totally unexpected appearance, but the role fit her soooooo well hahaha. me and xin tian were just sniggering away in the audience at her facial expressions. they were so herrr.

KEXIN ACT COOL. HAHA. no la she just had this totally "I think I'm so sexy" look on her face the whole time, it was quite hilarious. she was quite convincing as a guy!

everyone else, I don't really know them, but honestly speaking everybody did a great job, it was damn farnieee.

....kexin says I can't call her bitch anymore, cos she can be a guy when she wants to and guys can't be bitches.

so maybe I'll start calling her fag now since she can alternate between being a guy and a girl so fast, HAHA.

I'm kidding kexin if you read this, I LOVE YOU BITCH. haha. (:

alright gtg bye

2008-10-25T10:40:00.002+08:00

out of all of them, there's noone else I'd rather be with than you, cos you were always the only one that really truly mattered.

there's no need to try to explain this feeling cos I've done it thousands of times and you know exactly what it feels like.

I just don't know if it's enough.

get freaky

2008-10-23T22:06:00.003+08:00

wah I'm super freaked out right now!

1. I was on my way home, at orchard mrt, and no I wasn't going shopping. of all the bloody things to do. I just finished my tuition, it's near orchard. and I was going up the escalator. you know, the one that leads up to the bus stop behind wisma.

there was this indian lady wearing a dress. which seemed flimsy and you know, billow-able (is there such a word, haha) and just this piece of cloth randomly sewn together. okay I'm being meaner than is needed I'm sorry, you get the point

it just so happens that was a windy day, cos it just stopped raining and the wind was still quite strong. the poor lady was just walking along sms-ing and carrying her bag on her wrist, the way bimbos like to do (haha or not, I like to think they do, it's funnier that way)

got on the escalator.

AND SUDDENLY THERE WAS A GUST OF WIND.

WHOOSH EVERYTHING FLEW UP. INCLUDING HER DRESS. WHAT A FREAKING HORRIBLE TWISTED MARILYN MONROE MOMENT. -.-

seriously! she was soooooo... well-endowed. and I don't mean that in a good way. I'm just trying to be nice, you know? evidently it's not working very well, but whatever!

SHE WASN'T WEARING ANYTHING UNDERNEATH. I SAW EVERYTHING D: D: D: waitago to get traumatised for life, I'll never leave house without wearing shorts underneath a skirt -.-

ohyeah and there was an old mama in front of me on the escalator and he saw everything too, I swear he just stopped what he was doing and STARED. not even bothering to cover up the gaping hole that was his mouth. HAHA.

it's funny but it's sooooo disgusting!

at first I thought I was just imagining things, cos you know the walls along that escalator are lighted nicely too. they were pink, I think, at that moment in time. not that I go orchard and observe the beauty of the lighted walls, but nevermind.

and then I saw something HOT PINK. a flash of hot pink! and I was like oh okay. WAIT. I'm looking UP the escalator now, not at the walls BESIDE the escalator, and aren't those legs attached to the flash of hot pink

not kidding, that was really the thinking process I went through before realizing that the poor lady had unintentionally flashed the whole wide world. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. ):

she was oblivious, prolly she was just like "ooh this dress is really good, suddenly got so much ventilation down there" but the MAMA ah. seriously. damn cikopek ah (I dunno how to spell) tho it's prolly not his fault either. ha.

PINK SLIP (x

2. math is just UGH.

there is no word that is more accurate to describe what math is to me than UGH. three simple letters!

my brain. is slow. okay. I admit it. very slow, actually. I took like dunno how long to do P&C tutorial, and I still can't answer the whole of the last page for the section B! AIYAAAA. it's damn confusing me no like

what's even more frustrating is that during lectures I get most of what's being taught. in fact I catch on quite fast in lectures. it just comes like THAT, like snap, and everything makes wonderful sense. then TUTORIAL COMES ALONG. AND I'M SCREWED.

SO

UGH

3. two people I vaguely remember but just just JUST barely, waved to me today and I am quite freaked out because I really can't remember where I met them ): I wanna slap myself for forgetting. ): they seem like nice people!

4. there's this new dude in tuition class who TOTALLY looks like this guy from school that I think is cute. quite freaky. except his style is completely different. and I think he's jap. cos when he said bye to the teacher he actually bowed! :O

actually I quite admire this new guy. he's intriguing in this mysterious way... he isn't cool by normal standards because he doesn't do things that pass for cool by normal standards, but he just exudes coolness from his very bones, and he doesn't even need to try. and every bit of it is natural, all genuine, nothing fake.

I think it's very cool. he's so cool!

and no, I'm not crushing on him. just don't really meet cool people that much in school HAHAHAHA

..... speaking of school. today was thursday. long day, but strangely my head's not thumping after it all.

pe was tiring but super awesome, 1c girls played floorball against the 1a girls. we finally WON them! at something. hahaha cos apparently 1c is supposed to be damn sporty and damn sucky studies. but for us this year it's just the opposite! we're moderately sporty and relatively better at studies!

hahahaha

oh yeah. and I SCORED TWO GOALS. HA. I think I was possessed. O.o or just plain lucky. hahaha. but floorball is fun lah. tho I might have been a tad violent at times. heh.

during lunch break rushed off to best denki with jonlim and qiwen to buy tape for jonlim's friend's camcorder, which we borrowed to film stuff for pw. we filmed us eating at together at the council canteen, and fastforwarded everything DAMN FUNNY.

DANCING DRAGONS PW(N) HA. HA. (that's our unofficial group name, other than rj260. which btw is my psle score! hahaha)

kay I'm going off now bye -.-

2008-10-22T22:15:00.003+08:00

thank you God (:

I feel incredibly blessed right now. like seriously. (: despite all the shit that happened yesterday, and all the shit I’m probably gonna get from my dad for making yesterday’s shit happen, and the fact that I&R is due tmr, and so is P&C tutorial, and that I haven’t actually made up my mind about what to do about this stupid conflict..

I’m just feeling very very thankful that I know such wonderful awesome caring lovely friends. (: blessed because I feel special being loved by so many caring friends and thankful that God’s given me the chance to be part of this lovely circle of awesome people that I love so much. (:

And to you especially, THANK YOU. For all the shit that I made you go through, for all the stuff I said to you that was baseless and just simply so extremely vindictive and accusing, and for making you worry yourself sick that you were intentionally hurting somebody when you really weren’t doing anything of the sort, I just feel incredulously gratified that you’re still willing to be friends with me. I wanna really really really thank you for that, cos in my book, you’re one of the most gracious, forgiving, AWESOME people around. (:

Oh yeah, and also I thank God that you’re far from obnoxious, despite being far from oblivious as well.. haha. I mean I’m extremely lucky that you’ve got good sense and good judgement and a whole lot of humility as well as understanding. I’m sorry I made you feel so bad, I’m sorry I pissed you off, and I’m sorry I made you feel like an ass. You’re not! Wish I could say that to you in real life.

(ohyeah and just to avoid any confusion, the person I’m referring to here is a guy. In school, but not in class. I’m just too chicken to mention his name here, cos we’re not even that close. AIYA. LONG STORY. It’s very complicated, you don’t need to know, don’t understand also nemind)

And for everyone else who told me not to worry, who brightened up my day, my life, my soul even, in some way or another, I LOVE YOU. Thank you guys (:

... a few mental notes to self

1. 1. Get driven! Time to be a good girl and stop messing around, and BUCKLE. DOWN. Alevels coming and I must think As instead of Es. WORK MY BUTT OFF, ME!

2. Figure out who you really are

3. Remember, I’m supposed to be forgetting about him, not being all mushy and weakhearted and prone to the little little things that he does. If you can look at ____ and think of him only as a friend, surely you can do that for him as well!

4. BE MATURE. CMON.

5. I’m not hurting him. No way! He’s not saying anything about it so it’s best not to worry for now, forget it!

Yeah that’s it lor.

OKAY. I&R HERE I COME.

hindsight?

2008-10-22T14:45:00.003+08:00

hi friends.

what an unrestrained post that was. the more I read it the more I get a headache. I mean it was so littered with f-words. they were literally everywhere... gosh. slightly ashamed now, I'm literally shaking my head in front of my laptop

so I must apologize. if I made anyone uncomfortable with the shameless use of the f-words.. I don't really have an excuse for myself, haha. even though I was pissed, I should have been able to restrain myself sufficiently.. ):

mum was pissed. when I told her. maybe it helped that when I told her, I was lying on the sofa in the living room drenching my own face with tears and staining my glasses, I must have looked quite pathetic. haha.

but mum was more pissed that I'm not able to control myself when I'm pissed, rather than being pissed about my losing my phone. and here I must admit with much regret that it's the second time I'm losing my phone.

first time it happened, I lost it at the mosque. and no it wasn't in the lost and found corner. gee I wonder who took it?! ): anyway

mum said she understands that people do stupid things when they're pissed. that she's had to tell her staff off countless times about doing stupid things when they're pissed. that it's not worth it, letting it take over you.

it's a lesson I'm gonna take a longgggg long time to learn. ha. cos well, generally I don't really get pissed off that easily. but when I do get pissed off I can pretty much be either violent and unrestrained (as you can see..) or I just focus so much attention on cooling myself down that I forget to pay attention to not doing brainless things...

funny. the only way I have currently, of restraining myself, is by clencing my fists and fixing my eyes at a certain random spot and concentrating all my attention at it. sort of like giving that spot a death stare. haha. well it works.. sometimes... but I didn't think of doing it yesterday. I just felt like kicking something

anyway. this is such a dodgy topic, it makes me uncomfortable somehow.. :/

if you haven't already figured it out, don't bother with smses or calls, I won't pick up. for obvious reasons.

and I'm contemplating whether I should just deal with using mum's old phone (it's old, but it's not ancientttt. as in it's not a monotone ringtone kinda phone. that would suck.) or save up to buy a new phone, without a contract.

see if I use my mum's old phone, I can use the money to buy myself contacts just like I wanted to since even before this year. ha. if I don't, then no contacts, but new phone.

frankly I'd rather have contacts and an old phone. ain't like I use my phone for anything much other than sms and calls. which means an old phone should be good since I generally only use my phone for basic functional purposes only.

yeah well. dad doesn't know! mum's making me tell him on my own. I'm speechless. literally. how to tell him! I don't know man! all he knows is that. well. I don't wanna mention what he knows, actually. haha.

seeyou guys bye

worst day ever

2008-10-21T16:47:00.002+08:00

I swear man today was the worst fucking day of my entire fucking life

I lost my phone
I lost (possibly?) a friend
I'm losing my mind about what to do

I just finished crying my fucking eyes out and I don't know what I'm gonna tell my mum, that I left my phone in the bus because I got a msg that pissed me off and I didn't even wanna look at it again, and threw it aside because I was so bloody damn pissed

because that's what happened. I WAS SUCH A BLOCKHEAD. and now some fucking idiot's taken my phone and instead of reporting it switched it off, shit, asshole much, I WANT MY PHONE BACK!

what the fuck am I gonna tell my parents, wahlao.

friend of mine managed to piss me off today and then I got so pissed off that when I was trying to cool myself down in the bus I forgot to demuddle-ify my brain and forgot to move my fucking hand to take the fucking phone which was just THERE on the freaking SEAT AHHHHHHHHHH

what the FUCK life sucks dick D: I hate thisssssssssssssssssssssss

WHY AM I SO FRIGGIN DUMB.

WHY CAN'T I PLEASE EVERYONE. SHUT UP DON'T TELL ME IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, I HATE DISAPPOINTING OTHERS OKAY

WHY DOES TODAY SUCK SO FUCKING MUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2008-10-20T21:17:00.002+08:00

promos results are back! k lah. I'm quite relieved I improved overall.. but my marks are still by no means acceptable. haha. dec hols must mug like siao man. aiyo.

got a U for maths! is that any surprise, hmmm. hahaha

whatevs I don't wanna think about it any more. shouldn't look back! full steam ahead... no use moping around! like a friend of mine said, if everyone else is gonna mope around and be emo about their results, be the different one who actually does something about it.

YUP. YEH JY PEOPLE. (:

but you know what the ironic thing about today was? it wasn't until I got home that I started feeling slightly depressed about my marks. cos I was subjected to rigorous questioning by my parents. mum told me in this condescending manner to practice more maths and blabla the usual stuff

wow. parents sure know how to deflate your balloon. okay not that I was actually floating around after getting my results back, but still. I was so focused on the fact that I improved I kinda forgot to be sad that my marks still suck by my parents standards..

I take pleasure in the fact that my friends said my results weren't bad. it's a major comfort, somehow, to know that at least by my world's standards my marks aren't rubbish. I know my parents think my marks are rubbish despite their efforts to look happy that I'm happy I improved.

but it didn't work, they just looked constipated. and just fake la. you can tell when your own parents are just doing something to make you happy right. haha.

well I still love them anyway. (:

results aside... something else happened today, towards the end of the day, that kinda pissed me off. it didn't seem so bad when it happened, I was just annoyed, but then I remembered something similar that happened to me at the start of the year and a few other times over the course of the year.. and I got pissed off, cos obviously if there's a general trend, there's a reason for the trend right...

the reason was the thing that pissed me off. I will only say this: i don't make friends with people just for the sake of being friends. I don't befriend people who are so-called "high-profile" in school or outside of school just because I wanna tompang on their status. yea.

was actually walking around with a damn pissedoff face otw home, I think I looked super stuckup haha. ohwell. then i realized ain't no point being pissed off over it, I shouldn't need to worry what others think when they don't even know me..

so I bought one grande caramel frappe from starbucks, blasted TI's No Matter What on my mp3 at full volume, and started feeling better after that. almost unbreakable, in fact. funny what music and caffeine can do for your soul. haha.

yup. in other news... OP is drawing nearer! and I still haven't turned my oral abilitites (??) around 180 degrees... ): script's due this wednesday and i&R next monday.. I must practice more!

k I've got nothing more to say. except...

I really don't want this to happen again. this old old old feeling is awake again, alive, just barely, deep inside the recesses of my heart. no matter how corny that sounds. it's true. I still automatically hold my breath when I glimpse you. it's unfair. I wish my heart were caged and locked up in its very own cell, then it'd stay where it's supposed to be.

not that I have any feelings for that person right now. I learnt my lesson. I don't trust myself to fall for the right people any more.

batch raya! :D

2008-10-19T22:26:00.002+08:00

hey all!

just got back from hari raya outing with my batchmates (: YAY it was super fun! i love you all! (:

I had a really great time, I'm sure everyone will agree (: it was just awesome, I've never travelled around in such a big group that a small bus had to be rented just to get us all around, for convenience's sake.

I think bus trips were the hilarious-est ever. haha. yesterday everyone kept screaming okay seriously, hahaha damn funny. I remember i was sitting with some of the girls and someone was commenting on how noisy the boys were, and how the girls should just sit together and then pretend to talk and (just to match the boys' noise level) scream every few minutes, and then pick up the conversation wherever we left off hahaha

today didn't start with a bang, it started with a big fat -______- SIGH hahahaha cos everyone who met at kembangan mrt before going to the first house got lost and went one big circle to reach it. we literally went uphill, then downhill, then walked along the road and then walked inside, turned the wrong way only to find that the house is in the opposite direction LOL

then when we reached the house it was actually very near the second house, which the boys knew how to get to hahaha so it was basically DAMN LAME that we were melting away like nobody's business under the sun when we could have saved so much time and sweat haha.

but I'm so glad I decided to heckcare and wear my normal going out slippers which are actually quite worn already and are definitely not, glamorous in any way at all, in fact it's quite the opposite... it's got no heels, that's all I care about. kalau tak. ADUI. haha

...argh you know my face is burning now for some reason. no, I don't mean I'm blushing, I mean it stings something bad. itchy. I don't know why! probably gonna grow a pimple between my eyes tomorrow. and my neck itches like crazy too. aiyoyo

man that was frigging random.

alaa. must upload pictures ah. malas sia. anyways it isn't like I took a lot of pictures.. not as much as others did anyway. can I be spared? :D aiya no la. gonna upload now. lerr. comp better not lag....

but anyway YES.

YESTERDAY AND TODAY, WERE AWESOME :D i love my batchmates. (:

p/s khaliq kau betul2 takder keje lain ehh. go find someone else to pester lahh youuu I malas nak layan :)

omg britnaye!

2008-10-17T19:30:00.002+08:00

omg I think I'm seriously turning into a bimbo.

I DON'T WANT.

at first I bought the red bag, the side carry one that I carry everywhere with me now. I love it, and I think it's really me, but apparently it's bimbotic. ):

okay that's not so bad! cos you know, it just makes me LOOK like a bimbo. doesn't mean I have to care what I look like, right. and then NOW

I'm suddenly like doing a lot of bimbotic hand actions. okay la just the one, but I keep doing it again and again.

just like picture an auntie, like you know the pck's wife rosie, that kind of auntie, saying "AIYA, NEMIND LAH" and then doing the hand action. there's a specific hand action they always do to that line right! the one that's like swatting a fly, but instead of going from left to right to shoo the fly away from you, you're moving your hand from up to down like you wanna the fly to be squashed onto the floor.

AIYA. basically it's just a bimbotic thing to do la, k?

scary shit.

I AM NO BIMBO. far from it, in fact... and I don't wish to be one either :D

anyways.

I realize I'm quite headstrong. I like myself a lot and I don't wanna change for anyone. sometimes not even when people that I love and treasure and respect in my life, tell me there's some parts of me that are bad, that I need to change. haha. it's just that most of the time when I decide I do wanna change, it's of my own accord, I'm not really concerned about people's opinions of me? ya. the only people whom I will change for are my family. my parents, my brother maybe not so (hahaha), my cousins...

cos I only seriously care about the kind of person I appear to be to others, when my cousins, or my parents, or my brother, tell me I need to change. basically we accept one another, weaknesses and all, but we don't tell each other to change unless it's absolutely necessary.

yea. wow you know I realize that the only reason that I know all this about my family is because of hari raya.

yea I know it sounds lame, but seriously. we were all walking around as one big group, and you really feel like you can never go astray when you just stand back and you watch the whole lively scene unfolding before you.

your cousins, the ones you've seen grow up, the ones who saw you grow up, your aunts and uncles, the ones who are always looking out for you no matter what, your parents especially... the ones who've even made your very existence possible.

everyone was joking around and poking fun at one another and stuff (that's quite normal for my family even on normal days) and I just stood where I was for a while, to watch everyone, and you really feel immersed in love, no matter how corny that sounds.

it's like you know that even if your life somehow went horribly horribly horribly wrong, like you screwed up your career majorly, you're down in the dumps, the sorriest state you have ever ever been, you could still get strength from these people cos they'll love you no matter what!

I really love my family. (:

...ohyea, went for lawsoc today, actually I think it's quite interesting. I went there thinking it'd be boring cos well, of all the people I know who went for the previous session(s?), they all said it's boring. but it's not. well not today's one anyway.

we did the oj simpson murder case. debate-style. only this time instead of errr props and opps we had prosecutors and defendants. cool stuff.

still got my mind set on psychology though. :)

peace.

2008-10-16T21:20:00.003+08:00

today me and polly went to raffles city to read FHM and Men's Health. :D

after which I decided that I like gay songs and gay things, but that I don't necessarily like gay people.

HA. that would be an incredibly brief account of what happened today. haha. let's go onebyone.

OP... I really don't wanna talk about this. sucked like hell. nothing else to say. -.-

after OP went to slack in the canteen with the girls, but gradually everyone just started going home or going someplace else, and only me and yuhan and polly were left. I swear we talked about everything from lizards to britney spears okay hahaha.

then had some fun trying to catch a random huge-ass spider that was jumping around near my bag. it was damn big man! I wanted to be all brave and squish it inside a tissue but I chickened, cos I was scared it jumped out at me I mean hey spiders can do that!

in the end it started jumping around when raphael tried to squish it and it was fun actually, cos it was just jumping around and polly ran off and yuhan was squealing away in the background, I thought it was just a very comical scene. (:

and here i was having a moral debate about whether to kill it or not. but then it got nearer to me and yuhan was screaming "Kill it!" and I pictured it jumping my bag, like NONONO. so then I stamped on it and it was literally squished out on the sole of my shoe. -.-

had to go wash it off after that, quite stupid actually, but it was fun la, lol.

after that got bored of school so me and polly left to go raffles city and.. like that lah. we wanted to go MPH to look for pride and prejudice, and then we ended up checking out FHM and attempting to check out Men's Health. haha. attempting, because it was wrapped up in plastic. ARGH.

just to save polly's skin, it was my idea, btw. to leaf through FHM. wah really got a lot of hot girls every few pages ah! I wonder if playboy's like that. maybe it's even worse. who cares.

and it was my idea too to leaf through Men's Health. yea you know, cos like, I just loveeeee tight abs. like seriously. they're damn hot.

HA. no la.. I can't look at abs and think, "sexy". seriously. I can't. yes quynh anh, if you ever read this, I know you'll laugh. BUT REALLY LA.

I just think they're a mark of good health hahaha no seriously. I know how lame that sounds, but really really. I just wanted to see what the whole preoccupation about tight abs and tight asses and tight whatevers really are. I can't tell if a guy's sexy, you know. to me, sexy's a vibe and not a physical condition. haha.

okay enough about that. I got a big huge headache after walking around so much in the basement.

then we went off to the esplanade rooftop. had a good time talking with polly about life. as in, you know, our own ideas about life, love, people in general.. stuff like that. and if you're like wenqiang, whom I think would think that we would gossip about hot guys all the time, you're seriously misguided. haha. we only mentioned hot guys once!

quite a nice thing, I must say. it was an appropriate setting and all. who cares if we were surrounded by couples, we just sat and did our own thing, which apparently, entails discussing life, love and everything else in between. talking about stuff like that actually made things a lot clearer for me in terms of beliefs and opinions. it's good, cos I don't usually talk about this kind of stuff with people. yea.

like, I realized how much I want to go turkey for that one month that my dad suggested. cos see the more I stared at the city landscape and the cars and the trucks all passing across the highway, the more I realized that Singapore is actually extremely boring after a while, even though it's one of the safest places in the world to live in. it just gets extremely repetitive and just so structured.

so before I fully settle down with a job and have kids and stuff I really wanna be able to see the world. I already see the world in that I've been travelling overseas at least once every year since secone. especially this year, got to see the UK! and I've been to egypt as well. but I just feel like there's so much more to see. I wouldn't even mind going to south africa, aside from the usual desire to go europe..

but for all my talk it's highly impractical that dad would actually have the money to do that, so if this turkey thing could be a shot at a glimpse of the real thing for me. I mean it's probably the closest to the real thing that I'm gonna get at least as far as the NOW is concerned. so I really really want it.

yup... oh yea I found a present for my friend! :D it isn't his birthday or anything but I just thought of him immediately when I saw it, cos it's just very him, shall I say.. haha. but the thing is that I'm not really very close to him. I mean we do talk, but not a lot. so you know, if I give sth to him it's gonna look slightly weird, like I crush him or something, which I don't!

sometimes I wish things wouldn't be awkward around boys and girls. life would just be simpler..

but then it wouldn't be as interesting would it? (:

ps. OH WOW I JUST HAD A DREAM WHILE I WAS STILL HALF AWAKE COOL BEANSSSS.

2008-10-15T22:01:00.002+08:00

PW SUCKS I HATE OP I NO LIKE SCRIPTS BLEHBLEH

OP(PS?!)

SOMEONE'S BEING A BITCH AH. BEEOTTTTTCHHHH.

NABEH! NANANANANANABEHH.

I still have 1/4 more of my script to go! JIAYOU ME. I'm gonna die soon but JIAYOU!

cursessssss

2008-10-15T19:17:00.003+08:00

grrrr today was such a waste of time. -.-

and I think I stink now. my hair probably stinks as well, and it itches something bad. but I have to write this down first.

did the personality test MBTI thing today and I guessed my personality type correctly! :D guess superficially I know what my personality is like. as in I know what my preferences are and stuff, and I know how what kind of person I am as far as the kind of person I am within society, is concerned. (did that make sense?? O.o)

but what I mean is that I wanna know what kinda values I hold dearly to my heart. I mean everyone holds a specific set of values, could be similar or dissimilar. but I don't know what mine are, and want to know. yea. I'm talking about the values that will prevail when the time comes for them to make themselves apparent.

anyway I'm an ENFP! there's a buncha girls in class with the same type as me. yay(: polly says it's very accurate. woohoo. :D

but the BEST part! is that I'm actually WIRED, like NATURALLY WIRED, for a career in either creative writing (which I used to be quite good at, don't know about now cos I've not done creative writing since hmmmm rg days? haha) OR OR OR!

PSYCHOLOGY.

YEA MAN. MY DREAM JOB. WOO. SEE I'M SMART. I CHOSE WELL. DAD SAYS I'M LIMITING MYSELF TOO EARLY BUT I'M DETERMINED TO STICK WITH MY DECISION. WHAT'S HE GONNA DO, FORCE ME TO TAKE SOMETHING ELSE IN UNI?

okay yea enough with the caps.

I was so freaking ecstatic la, you know how many times people have made me doubt if I'm really made for a career in it? now I know I'm even naturally wired for it! and NOW THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD THAT CAN MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND. (:

okay so what a pointless entry. I'm gg off now, gotta go MEMORIZE MY PW script COS ********* is SO ******* like ****** I fricking ***** reallly realllly reallllyyy ****** ****** ***** hate NA............BEEEEHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY

p/s. smiles really do make the world go round. never noticed how meaningful a simple smile could be, even if it's from someone who's just an acquaintance. it means the world if that person's wholly genuine. (: woo!

2008-10-14T15:53:00.003+08:00

hey. buggers.

I don't really have much to blog about anyway so this is gonna be an empty post (not like my usual ones aren't full of crap either, but..)

well okay it's not gonna be empty, I'm just gonna talk about something that only I will understand, lol cos it's the only way I can get my thoughts organized and make it all make sense O.o I can't just sit and stare into space and think, the way some people can. it hurts my brain, for one thing (yea, don't laugh -.-) and I just get distracted very easily.

anyway!

well I realize that I don't really have a clear idea of the kind of person that I am. right now it's just a lot of possibilities of the kind of person I can be, because ultimately it's your choice who you wanna be and no one can stop you from being who you are.

but the thing is that I don't even know who I am really. someone told me once before that I'm different because I do my own thing, I don't blindly follow what other people do. I don't know how much truth there is in that statement.. after all I can't completely know what other people think of me. but I know that it is quite stupid to do something to satisfy other people.

actually come to think of it, I'm always "just different" (I quote). but no one says why, or how, or in what way. if it's really true, I guess I could say I'm proud of myself, but what I really wish I could do is either to get someone's honestestest opinion of me, or to just sort of see myself in the third person. that would rock, to be able to tell the kind of person I am without any inhibitions, or denial even.

sometimes I've got too much pride to want to acknowledge my own weaknesses. very bad.

there's the thing about being your own worst enemy. in a good way. if you really put your mind to it, you can be your own worst critic. corny as it may sound, it was actually something I picked up from an interview with taufik (batisah, yea, the singapore idol lol) a long time ago. he said he's his own worst critic. which I thought was quite cool because, generally back then, I thought no one had an ego that was small enough to allow themselves to be their own worst critic. guess I was just jaded. lol.

maybe I just haven't been faced with enough adversity for the real me to come out. I mean I'm talking about the no-holds-barred, raw, version of me. the one that would come out when times get rough. I wish I could just know the kind of person I am, the kind of principles I adhere to. it's not easy is it? figuring that part out about yourself unless the need truly arises for you to show how principled you are...

but you don't really need adversity to come knocking on your door before you can figure out the kind of person you are. do you? .....

I mean really, if you live a life that is too pampered, so assured and stable that adversity doesn't even figure as a real english word in your dictionary, then you tend to just take things for granted, don't you? like everything will always be there for you and this is the way your life will always be, because you've never known any other life.

I want to know the kind of person that I am! but I don't know how to. much as I would like to, I can't just dive deep into the depths of my soul and study myself from the inside, like I said, I've got too much pride to do that. I'll just deny everything when I come to a conclusion.

sigh.

then again, all it takes is determination. I should try, really try, to make myself be my own worst judge and just unleash the worst critic of myself that I've ever had: myself. but of course it's gonna be hard. but I will just try. God willing I'll know by the time JC life ends.

starburst

2008-10-13T22:23:00.004+08:00

I'm bursting with happiness! I think it showed today. just felt different, I'm just kind of more excited inside, somehow, I don't really have a reason why, I just am!

damn bubbly today when I came to school, said hi to people I don't usually say hi to, and someone asked me why so happy, I can't remember who. you know I should do this more often. I really get a lot more smiles this way. haha. ^^!

ohyea I'm in love again. wahaha. with a second cousin, no less. :P no la but really I'm simply quite taken by him. for one, he's really nice and he's really kind, and he's responsible, and he's caring, and he's uproariously funny, but he knows where to draw the line. ohyea and he's completely hot. (: and he's really good at playing drums, he had a performance at the hyatt yesterday! :O

yea well, I just really really respect him, ain't really that I'm in love with him, he is my relative, after all... even if he's my 2nd cousin and not my direct cousin. that would be even worse, though, falling for a cousin. hmmm.

anyway more importantly! I still am quite amazed by how incredibly different everything looks through this brand new perspectives. I just appreciate things a lot more and accept things the way they are more easily.

erm like rj, for one. rj is way better than rg was and will ever be, but still, the kind of kids (kids uh, pdhl umur da 17 thn hurhur) who go to rj aren't really the kind of kids that I really enjoy myself the most with. I find that I enjoy myself the most when I'm with people like kamarul and asyraf and khaliq and firdaus and fidy and maya.

haha there's a lot more to this matter than what I'm saying here, but it's a much too sensitive topic to go into deeply here. that's what I think.

anyway it really doesn't matter. (: they're all people. just that they're different. but they still shine in their own specific ways. which is more than enough of a reason to forget the differences and just stop moping around that there aren't more people like kamarul in rj.

OH WAIT, I'M SORRY. WE'RE RIJC NOW AREN'T WE. HUH HUH. -.-

k sleepy liao I go sleep bye

(say go sleep really fast 10 times and it sounds like gossip! :O)

two

2008-10-12T12:41:00.006+08:00

if I'd ever hated you or even looked down upon you, trust me, you would've known alright? I don' t bother to keep my feelings hidden when I don't like someone, cos I've probably got good reason not to like that someone..

you should've known I would've gotten pissed at something like that! of all the places to do that to me you chose the friggin mosque, dude isn't there something a little bit wrong with that picture?

and NO, I don't hate you just because of that. to be honest I always thought you were an honest guy, with noble intentions, and I really respected you. I still do, actually. so naturally when you just sat in the background smirking while your friend went all out to do whatever he did I just got ticked off. what happened to the nice guy, did he just get carried away by all his friends?

guess I'm in the wrong too for expecting you to be so completely perfect. but you really are one of the most goodhearted people I know and I really really really respect people like that. guess I got too carried away with that image I have of you too, so I'm sorry.

that one little blemish in your personality got me ticked off at first cos I didn't expect it at all so it was like a rude shock. but comeon, I'm not gonna hold it against you forever. I've got better things to do than hold grudges against people for one-off mistakes. wish you'd see that.

I've actually got a lot of respect for you, and I'm even actually a little bit in awe by you, cos you're a better person I am, when it comes down to the crunch, and when I think of the kind of person I want to change myself into, I think of you. you really have my respect. (:

invigorated

2008-10-11T23:52:00.003+08:00

haha I just saw my face in the rj newsletter haha damn ugly ):

cfm I'm going to turkey! :D well at least for 10days, with my family. dad says the thing about my attachment to a turkish family for an entire month in december is still on hold, cos he's not sure if he's found a suitable family or not.

I hope he does! I have this rosy picture of staying there like it's all fun and games, but I have this funny feeling that it won't just be about having fun.. ohwell I'll just go with the fun and games aspect of it, cos if I get too pumped up for a life-changing experience, chances are, it won't happen.

ain't that right? when you expect something to happen, it doesn't. when you least expect it to happen it jumps you like a homesick puppy: with lost abandon haha.

anyhows one of the first things dad told me about going to turkey was that there's a lot of hot guys. haha. gee dad knows me so well... hahaha no la I'm kidding. a little bit. I mean I know two turkish guys, one based in singapore and another based in turkey, and they're both smoldering hot, but they've just got this dao look, so I don't know.

more importantly I saw an ad about turkey plastered all over bus no 700 on the way home yesterday and it looks mighty interesting I want to go! apparently it'll be winter by the time we touch down and there'll be SNOW. effing snow! none of the crumbly icecube nonsense that you get at snowcity that looks like they just took all the leftover ice from the fishmongers at the marketplace and dumped it all over the place, but REAL SNOW!

well not that I would know if real snow wouldn't look like the snowcity variety either, but I'm just naturally inclined to believe everything Singapore tries to imitate is farcical and nonsensical no matter how impressive the feat in itself is..

I'm most probably leaving either 7th or 8th nov. I hope it's 8th, cos class chalet is 5th to 7th (I think) and if possible I wanna have the best of both worlds. both turkey and 1C! I don't wanna miss my class chalet and I also obviously don't wanna give up turkey..

well hope for the best!

got back from chan bruddddderrs travel and soon after my house was swarmed by relatives. you know, hari raya. haha. this particular bunch who came today, I haven't seen in like three years, man. people can grow up a lot in three years, and I've got this nephew who's a year older than me! far outttt, yo. he's really nice and he's really goodnatured and just generally a nice person to talk to.

I don't remember him being quite as easy to talk to last time I guess three years is enough to break out of your shell haha. but it's cool, you know, we were laughing at his cousin playing guitar hero, and he sucked and he made loads of funny comments.

just nice to hang out with a new person from time to time, you know! and especially when the other person is equally willing to kick back and just get to know you better and is just naturally goodnatured. I think his name was kamarul. he tried to salam me but it was soooo weird he's older than me! so he wanted to kiss my hand as per normal (that's what you're supposed to do to people who are older than you, or in terms of familial rank) and I was like errrrr haha no. then I just withdrew my hand and he just stopped in midsalam and then he smiled and went like "haha okayy."

made me realize I've been itching to hang out with new people lately. that is, new people who are goodnatured and nice generally, and easy to hang out and talk with. just wanna get to know more people! ((:

another thing.. you know it's not like I've never heard of people in Singapore who are constantly beleagured (spelling?) by problems but. I just never came into direct contact with any of them.. again made me realize that life is fragile and that He could just take everything away if He wanted to. nothing is yours, after all. it's all His in the end.

my parents were telling stories to my relatives just now and I was sitting there after everyone was done eating (there was a mad rush for the chicken nuggets okay I'm so glad I went to ntuc to buy them before everyone came hahaha)

apparently during the fasting month they picked up this old lady who lives in oneroom flat in queenstown, I think, which is apparently a little of a ghetto neighbourhood. she lives alone cos her husband died 5 years ago and she has nine children but none of them are willing to take care of her. she sells nasi lemak at the queenstown mrt sometimes, illegally, for food, gets 70bucks a day and is regularly chased away by NEA officers I think... but they don't have the heart to do anything more than keep chasing her away, cos she can't get money if not!

she appeared on telly the other day, crying because she's sad that her children don't care. they don't even give her money. and then when she appeared on tv they had the cheek to tell her off. she told them to just build a cement grave for her when she dies, nothing fancy, not even her name there, because they obviously don't care about her while she's alive so it's no use giving her a huge nice grave when she dies. )))):

and you know what striked me the most, my parents asked her why she didn't just apply for a support from muis cos she's obviously eligible for it, and she said "well, there are people who need that money more than I do". like wow, she can really still be so thoughtful and so rooted and so principled even in the face of such adversity, I really really really salute her even if I've never met her in my entire life.

again I question if I'd be able to do the same if I were in her shoes. I probably would never forgive my children and I would probably just apply for financial support straightaway from any willing organisation, after like three months of living like that..

and you know why I didn't go with my parents? COS I WAS DOING MATH. FRIGGIN MATH, OF ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD, LIKE I'M JUST TOO IMPORTANT TO WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE THIS OLD LADY WTF. why should I care how well I've implanted math concepts into my head when I could just as well be learning something way more fulfilling and way more meaningful just by meeting this lady? geez. -.-

I want to help, you know? in some way, even if I'm only 17 and I don't even have a job yet or never even had one. I just wanna know I'm not just delving into my studies and smothering my face with notes and annoying little details, when people in my immediate surroundings are struggling to get through life. it isn't like I'm sailing through JC life, in fact I'm struggling with some of my subjects, but it's still different.

having difficulty saying this. but it's just.. there comes a point when you wonder why you're even still chasing that dream job when other people can't even pay their own damn bills.

but it's just like mum said. there aren't many educated Malays around and most Malays make up the working class and maybe the lower middle class. I don't really know how much truth there is in that statement, but if I'm one of the Malays that actually can get a privileged education and a good job and a good pay, then I should actually be one of the few Malays around who gets a good pay.

after all it's only the very affluent members of society who actually have the extensive financial resources to help out, reach out as much as they can. I can reach out when I grow up, do more concrete things for the needy than most other can, so I must.

scary talking like this, I'm placing so much faith in myself that I'll be successful in my chosen profession, and now it makes me kinda have a responsibility to be successful, which is rather daunting. I need to be loaded when I grow up, so I can spread the money around to those who need it. there's that nagging doubt that I can actually do that.

but I'll just have faith in myself and control that voice that says I can't do it. cos now I must. and if I believe I can, I will. and then that voice won't have any power.

..... wooo this is some soul-searching stuff, yo, never set out to do any soul-searching when I decided to blog tonite, but you never know what you're gonna get.

wunnerful!

2008-10-10T21:13:00.006+08:00

wouldn't it be ironic if one day there was a prostitute who got into an argument with a guy, and she got really pissed off. imagine the conversation that would pass!

prosty: don't give me that bullshit, you asshole!
man: oh yeah? whatcha gonna do about it huh?
prosty: YOU WANNA F*CK WITH ME?!
man: .....for that bod, I'll give you 500 for three hours

HAHAHAHA. I don't care, it's funny okay 8D

...hm. maybe I am the sickest person in class. X_X ha okay I don't really care heehee

--

so all messing about aside, I actually did something productive today. well not really productive, but it was nonetheless important.

so today I woke up at 10am, and I was like "I should do something more productive." Solution: WATCH DVD! hahaha no lah I didn't really think of doing anything productive, I just wanted to do something that didn't involve playing games, xbox or otherwise.

[edit: I put up the trailer in the video section of my blog, go check it out if you want]

so I watched this movie called the city of god. it's about gangsterism in rio de janeiro in the sixties up to the seventies, if I'm not wrong. it's got the three must-have elements of all gangster movies, I guess: sex, drugs, guns. but I think the most important thing is that it's not just about showcasing men at their most base, vile, conditions as far as morality is concerned.

it's just riveting because besides those three elements, it makes you question how far even the most morally upright human beings would go to protect their own, if they were pushed to the breaking point. would he allow himself to be completely buoyed by hate and revenge and consequently get swallowed whole by the sin of gangsterism?

I cried twice during the movie, once when a kid got shot in the foot and he was bawling his eyes out, and the second time when the big gangster boss' best friend and second-in-command (sidekick?) who's probably the only hoodlum in the entire movie who does his best to carry out operations without killing anyone.

it's absolutely touching you know, because the grip of gangsterism is so tight over the city of god (that's the city's name, ironically enough) that even the kids, from as young as maybe four or five years old, get roped in. the sad part is watching them get excited when they're given loaded guns. which is something that should never be done to kids.

the fact that the kids think that snorting cocaine, killing people and dealing drugs makes them a man isn't that surprising because it's present even in delinquents in the first world. but there's this one kid who feels so vengeful about his father's death that he actually puts up this innocent kid front just to get to the man who murdered his father.

it's amazing that he'd go to such extreme lengths just to kill a man. don't even talk about the concept of forgiveness, in the city of god the only language they understand is the language of cold-blooded murder. it's gotta make you wonder if the kid's just screwed up, or if the kid wasn't actually screwed up but just got screwed up after his father was shot, or if he even came up with the plan because he was encouraged by his environment, where everything passes off as an excuses to wield a gun and either pick a fight or shoot somebody.

I could just go on about it forever, but the thing is that I don't think you wanna listen. ha. so mainly the thing that fascinated me the most about the movie is the concept of the fragility of life. seriously. in the city of god, you just turn a corner and you could get shot, nobody cares if you haven't committed a sin in your entire life. and the cops just go around incarcerating innocent people cos they know they can't do anything about the real hoodlums so putting some random bums in jail who look like they're slightly dangerous gives them a sense of accomplishment, as though they haven't completely fulfilled their purpose as upholders of justice and law.

pick any first-world country (with the exception of harlem in america?) and the idea that you aren't safe the moment you step out of your door scares everybody shitless. it's a completely inhumane, inconceivable concept to most of us.

but think about how different your life could have turned out if you were born in a place like the city of god. pretty far-fetched, and maybe even lame, the first time you think about it, but honestly it's by God's will that we were lucky enough to be born into a safe environment. if He'd wanted to He could have just made us be born in a living hell. then what would you do?

it's only by trying to imagine what life in a hellhole like the city of god would be like that you realize how sheltered you are. how lucky you are that you don't have to worry about getting killed by a stray bullet or worse, being betrayed by one of your friends who's desperate for more drugs and would do anything to get them.

and honestly honestly speaking I really cannot imagine that. it's a completely isolated concept for me, to hear gunshots every night, waking up the next morning to some horrible piece of news that my neighbour got killed in a drive-by shooting. life just wouldn't BE life if I lived in a place like that! I dunno what it would be.

times like this you go here I am whining about how horribly awful my grades are and then aspiring to a certain profession when I grow up, it's almost as though I couldn't care less that life for some kid halfway across the world is utter hell.

I can't help being so so thankful for the life that I have now. incredibly awesomely completely totally grateful. praise be to God. (:

second post of the day!

2008-10-09T20:46:00.003+08:00

LET'S GET CRUNK 8D hahaha how gay is this song man haha I used to love it as a kid but now it's just extremely hilarious. SHAKE YOUR TAILFEATHERRRRRR

you know so many boys like to act gay, taking gay pics and camwhoring like nobody's business and giving each other kinky comments on friendster or facebook or whatever, but you know they're mostly all fake in the end. but then ah

there's a few people I know who would love gaying around to this song if they got like really drunk or really high or something hahaha I'm picturing it right now damn hilarious and just because I like to irritate people, I'ma name them right here

1. KHALIQ

hahaha dude I know you'll never get drunk enough to do something as hilarious as this, in fact I know you'll never ever get drunk even, hahaha but it's just impossible to stop the laughs when I picture you saying "BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM" you freaking retard hahaha

2. SILLY!

since you like to say "hey" so much I'm sure you're gonna get all fired up when you read this. er if you read this. hopefully you do. I wanna pick a fight with you sia! hahaha 8D

you know what I chicken out. everyone else is from school, later people read this thing I'll be served up on a plate for dinner! or something along the lines of that hahaha (so much for picking a fight uh)

..qiwen says I'm the sickest person in class, even sicker than most of the guys HAHAHA no wayyyyy mannnnn I'm SO NOT THE SICKEST IN CLASS K. I'm probably just more vocal about being sick then everyone else.

heeheehee.

man you know what (I should really stop saying that, along with "anyway". fillers!) I think, nonono I KNOW, that my immune system really really really sucks. honestly! it's horribleeee I thought I was being all mighty (get it! ALMIGHTY HAHAHA) by walking in the rain yesterday, it wasn't even rain, it was a light drizzle!

I just walked for 10 minutes in the rain and I'm SICK. WTF. with a 38.3 temperature, no less. okay that's probably not so bad, at least it ain't 40. but yea it hurts you know! I woke up this morning and somebody might as well have stuck my head under a car crusher I fell back into bed right away, it took me a good 15 minutes to even raise myself to sit upright in bed. what the shit

it's not so bad now but then now my neck hurts I can't even look at my feet without making my head swim. it feels like my brain's this glob of goo inside my head and it's flubber (you know that movie!) except more squishy and more gross, cos it's grey and that every time I look down it's like someone put my brain in a blender and turned it on.

SHEESH.

I should really eat more veggies... and drink more milk! and just exercise more... maybe I should grow abs instead of pretending to grow them everytime I laugh hahaha (doesn't it feel like you grow abs when you laugh too hard! it hurts doesn't it! but it just feels so tight right!)

...YEAH RIGHT. as if I'm ever gonna listen to what the health pros say I like me just fine. correction: I like my 2.4km timing just fine. PASS OKAY READY LA. it's not like I'm some uberpro national athelete or whatever right heeheehee I'm quite a slob la actually.

okay tata!

2008-10-09T08:57:00.001+08:00

hahaha gosh this is kinda funny. haha. I intended to blog about it last night, but dad was hogging my laptop for his work so whatevs.

yesterday on my way back home it started raining really heavily, like super heavily, with lightning and thunder that were like one second apart. luckily I was at bukit panjang plaza while it started raining so I didn't get drenched or electrocuted and what not. mum told me to stick it out at the mall until the rain stopped cos she said it was dangerous for me even with an umbrella.

so I did. and I spent my time reading reader's digest in the library.. THEN I got bored! so I got up and started walking aimlessly around, and since it's bukit panjang plaza here and not I dunno, far east plaza, there's really not much to do if it's raining. and I couldn't possibly go to the arcade since I was in school u. and I'd look weird flipping through the file of xbox games in the gameshop.

so I went down to the basement and got myself a chicken and mushroom curryo' from oldchangkee! it's really good btw you should try it.

then I finished it and then I went into NTUC for lack of anything better to do. I ended up in front of the perfumes rack staring at all the different perfumes and I started spraying everything on my hands. haha even the guys' ones, cos I always thought guys' perfumes are really cool. erh the good ones, that make you smell like something out of a james bond movie hahaha

I ended up with the entire range of impulse perfumes that was on sale all over my hands and my arms were scented up with guys' perfumes, can't remember what their names were. I smelled reaaaaaaally funny hahahahaha. it was cool you know, cos I met my friend on the way home after the rain had stopped and then he walked home with me and he went "honestly, you smell awful in this awesome way" what the hell is that ahhahaha

yeah well. cheap thrill. hahaha. guess I'll never do that again. O.o

I got back home and at night I had a really weird dream! okay, more like a fantasy than a dream, cos it involved my crush. yeah well I've got a billion crushes and when I say crush it just means I think he's cute and funny, that's all.

this guy, he's really really tall. and he's not even asian bwahaha. if you know me well enough you should probably be able to figure out who he is la, lol. if not, sucks to you :P

I dreamt that I was in this vast expanse of endless white. seriously like no walls no floor no ceiling no nothing, just white! and then there was me and a group of girls and a group of guys sitting apart from each other and then I was playing the goddamn piano and everyone was half paying attention and half talking amongst themselves.

and then suddenly the dude comes up to the piano and slides down onto the piano seat right next to me and because the piano seat is so freaking small and he's so damn big (as in really proportionally big and not horizontally big O.o) we were squeezing together on the piano chair and miraculously I could still continue playing without a hitch.

inside, I was practically hyperventilating though in my dream. hahaha. and then he suddenly had this uber-cute accent and he started talking to me "my name is ___ and I think you're really good at playing the piano" and then suddenly the piano dissolved and everything dissolved and it was just us two walking down some random street like we were already some couple lah hhahhahaa

LOL I told you it was a fantasy. HAHA. nothing in the dream is to be taken seriously though, if you haven't figured that out. I do think he's cute and funny but I doubt I'll ever think much more of him haha damn that feels mean saying that. but yeah you know how it goes..

you know I just figured out yesterday that my taste in guys is really eclectic. hahaha. it's quite inconsistent hahaha. but mostly I like guys that other people won't even think twice about liking. it's weird but it's cool!

like with the first guy that I honestly had feelings for, when I told polly she was like "huhhhh why?!" and then yesterday I pointed out someone who I thought is cute to polly and she's like "ewww not at all?! okay lah he's pleasant-looking but he's definitely not cute!"

the first guy that I crushed on was hot, but it was more the way he carried himself than anything else haha that's still a compliment isn't it? then the second errrrrhhh was. let's see. he wasn't "hot" but he was, okay is, I think, just nice to look at haha O.o fine he was handsome alright! I just have trouble saying that, it's much easier to say that a guy's hot and not handsome. it's different ain't it.

anyway. the third guy was completely different from second, as far as personality goes, and the fourth guy is quite similar to me, again in terms of personality, and he was cute in this kinda quiet gawky way I dunno, he was just CUTE alright?!

freaking superficial hahaha. yeah but I guess the common thread is that after the first guy everyone that I had feelings for, I didn't simply have feelings for cos they were cute. it helped, I mean that was why I noticed them at first, with the exception of the second dude. but after a while it just ceased to matter. I mean a guy can be really cute and really hot but if he's not your type then he's not your type, right? RIGHT! so we move on.

lol I am so not helping myself here. apparently people already think I'm like this girl who goes through guys like I go through underwear. haha which sucks at first, cos which girl wants to be known as that kind of girl? but honestly after I while I decided I couldn't care less.

I mean people can think what they want if it's that image which makes guys distance themselves from me then fine, but this is something that I've been doing since forever, and I'm not just talking about since I developed the unstoppable raging hormones syndrome that just seems to afflict some more than others O.o lol

I know who I really am and to me that's good enough. if a dude wants to see me that way let him do it, there'll be someone somewhere who can just get over himself and have absolute trust in me that I'll be faithful. and trust me when I find it worth doing, the only person that will ever get through to my heart is that one dude and noone else can ever steal my heart away.

I've been having feelings for the same dude for close to 8 months now, I don't think he really cares though. and I've been having the resolve to get over him for let's see, two months already? not that it's not working, it's just not working fast enough.

yeah. ohwell. life goes on (:

I read an interview that angelina jolie did for reader's digest and I was struck by this last question.

RD: You said you wanted a partner who would urge you to be better. Does Brad do that?

Jolie: He encourages the right things. If I've had a full day and just really been a hands-on mom, he'll make a point to let me know that's something he's proud of. If I'm writing an Op-Ed, he's the first person to want to read the drafts. I could be dressed up in the sexiest outfit for a photo shoot, and by his behavior, he'll let me know that's nice, but it's nothing as sexy as when I'm home surrounded by the kids or reading books, educating myself. He slows me down to kind of get it right, to relax into the strength of my family and the love.

HOW FRICKIN SWEET IS THAT! i don't have the slightest idea what the hell an "Op-Ed" is, but the sexy part is really cooollllll.. I never thought of brad as someone that wasn't superficial. he just looks like he's all about the babes and the boobs and the butt and whatever doesn't he? wow I WANT A GUY LIKE THAT! no as in not someone who looks like brad pitt, and definitely not someone who only sees butts and boobs and I dunno spends five hours reading FHM or something, just somebody who brings out the best in me and who can see me as sexy even when my hair's frizzier and more explosive than albert einstein's, and I stink a thousand different ways, my tshirt says "barney the dinosaur is my friend" and my pants are..well, gross. that would be really cool. (: (: (:

yeah okay wow how long is this post huh hahaha geez alright I better go bye

2008-10-07T20:59:00.000+08:00

if you've been living under a rock and haven't seen the eagle eye trailer, there you go. it's a freaking awesome movie and I think EVERYONE should go watch it! it's so awesome lah! went to watch it with polly just now and ohman it's really very very good. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat throughout lah. really!

PLUS it's got shia labeouf (spelling? O.o) as the lead! shia's really cool and I really like him, he's not cute at all but he's just a really good actor and he's real, you know. he doesn't need to be cute to be popular. (:

but there's this one part of the movie where he's crying cos someone died and his bottom lip was shaking and it was so cute! hahaha like small kid I-wanna-pinch-your-cheeks kinda cute. lol. yeah well. he's not cute like let's say patrick dempsey cute or or what's that onetreehill guy's name?? ah chad michael murray! (note: I don't think he's cute but apparently a lot of people do so okay whatevs)

the only cute actor I can think of right now is christopher gorham. I can't think of any more. brad pitt is overrated btw haha. and ben affleck just looks sleepy all the time.. anddd this is not worth my time. -.- oh but I think that dude who's acting in twilight is cute too!

moving on. see lah hormones. TSK.

you know I think I should smile more. I feel like I've been frowning a lot more than smiling lately. either frowning or stoning. I mean I've just got no mood to smile, you know? it's fine laughing with my friends and smiling at everyone's stupidity but it's another thing to feel the smile from inside.

I just feel like I haven't been nice enough. haven't been smiling enough at people I normally smile at, and I just feel less happy about my life. cos well I just lose faith in people sometimes. maybe I was being too naive, I mean I knew there were people out there with bad intentions, I just never thought I'd ever be the recipient of those acts of ill intention. you know?

and it's that one little thing that's not failed to bug me since the start of the year. which I just don't need): it's tugging at the corner of my heart like a bad memory I can't dispose of. and yet I still hang on to it. I've tried letting go of it but it didn't work, I tried to sit it out for close to five months and I still can't forget it. ): it ain't fair.

but I really should just get over myself and smile more. it starts with a smile, no? no doubt just one smile won't change the way things are in fact smiling won't change things at all but it's better than sulking around feeling pathetic when I'm alone on the way home on the bus or on the train or whatever.

so tomorrow! I shall be a happier girl. for my own sake I will do my best. (God willing. :/)

2008-10-06T20:23:00.000+08:00

Now you can wait your whole life wondering
When it's gonna come or where it's been.
You may have got your heart broken
A few times in the past
Never last strong as it used to,
Don't feel as good as it used to (before)
And all the things you used to say,
Things you used to do, went right out the door

Oh no more, will you be the one
That's what you tell everyone around you
But you know they've heard it all before
What more can you say
When love won't let you, walk away
And you can't help who you love
And you find yourself giving it away
When you think you're in love

heaven sent- keyshia cole ft. mario

I can totally identify with this song.. first of all it's a really sweet melody and the lyrics just encompass everything I've been feeling these past few months.. it's so sincere and it's from the bottom of the heart, I really like this song it's awesome.

I need you to be more than this. more than just some cute guy who's sweet to me, to be frank. if I wanted someone cute who is really sweet as well I'd just walk out the door, there's loads of them out there, but I need somebody who can be my friend and I don't just mean the kind of friend who's little more than an acquaintance you make occasional small talk with.

bleh.

2008-10-05T00:18:00.000+08:00

you bitch.

what makes you think you can impose yourself on me?

OH GOD, I'M SO SCARED YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ME UP OH MY GOD

I'm fucking seventeen yo and I don't give a shit if you threaten to beat my nose up silly just do it I'm still gonna do what I want because you can't tell me what to do anymore asshole.

2008-10-03T19:15:00.000+08:00

LIFE IS GOOD. that is, ever since promos ended (x been one major humongous slackfest! 8D

anyhoo. okay I'ma say this now right now and I don't care what you think okay I'm feeling mega flirtatious right now bwahahaha

no lah it's just that feeling that you get after you break up with someone. that liberated, I'm-free-to-do-whatever-I-want! kind of feeling. yeah. (:

I'd best stay away from any boys tonight. O.o cos I'm going out soon, see. and I think I get quite disgusting when I flirt. I mean it feels fun and all but it just sorta makes my skin crawl when I think about it. like when the guy's gone I go like, "ew, what was that? >:("

ohyeah I didn't break up with anyone, technically not. I only said that to illustrate my point. can say that God just cut my chains for me. hahaha

....

I'M A LUCKY GIRL. RIGHT NAMELESS. HAHAHA.

xD

ohyeah I just remembered why I wanted to blog.

1. I want a vacation! (TURKEY! no, not the one that goes squawksquawk)
2. I really don't want to shop how come everyone's going on shopping sprees. ):
3. HOUSE BUNNY! I wanna watch la dey!
4. I HATE SARAH PALIN

okay I don't hate her, I just think she's quite conceited. she kept linking everything to her family. credits go to her for not screwing the whole vicepresidential debate up but it was quite irritating how she kept mentioning "maverick". made me think of my friend, his name is maverick hahaha and it's like OKAY WE GE THE POINT, BASICALLY REPUBLICANS KICK ASS RIGHT, OKAY MOVE ON DUDE SHEESH

and btw I'm for joe biden and barack obama all the way homie yeahhhhh. obama looks like he's gonna look out for everyone, he looks like he's got principles you know? mccain just looks like the typical US president. only looking out for himself, his own interests, that kind. after studying cold war and shit like that, I'm pretty sure i don't want a self-serving president at the helm of the most powerful country in the world.

joe biden really knows his stuff too! I think he trashed palin in the debate. but palin didn't screw up anyways cos at least she knew how to reach out to the middle class.. but it's just irritating that palin is so egoistic, gosh. everything has to be linked to her family, I swear. gosh! I don't wanna know about your family lah girl!

okay gtg bye

moving mountains- usher

2008-10-02T21:37:00.000+08:00

you know, maybe she's right... why should I be the one to pay for your insecurity?

all this while been so guilt-racked, when I think of you I see only your face that one day the one I will never forget... you were my first. firsts come and go, doesn't mean it makes it any easier on your heart. ain't no switch to turn off all the feelings and memories, ain't no pushing all the pain to a corner of your heart and compressing it like it was air so you'll never feel like it's there

bittersweet. that's what the horrible sentiment in me is, it's just so easy to place it but it's downright hard going through it. when I utter your name a whole flood of emotions threatens to take over my entire being but I've still not forgotten you all this while and I do wonder if you're doing alright now. seems silly to others that I'm actually taking this long to even forget you, but you were special. the bloody first one dammit how could you not be special?

I loved you for who you are, no one's ever been quite like you, and I savour that fact every time I try to go back to your memory

but what I've been doing all this while is holding on to a dissipating, negligent, redundant hope that there still might be hope for us, but that was because I wanted to know that I didn't make you leave. guilt works in strange ways I guess... but she just put things into perspective for me, you left because you were insecure about my liking you for your own personality alone.

pinned the blame on myself for something I didn't do. I would've gladly stood by you if you'd just told me what was going on, everything and anything that was going through your mind. I guess to me you were perfect, you could never do something to hurt anyone, and I guess I overlooked the fact that you are human, that you've got your own insecurities, your own inadequacies

guilt works in strange ways, like I said, it's a horrible thing sometimes. even when I know you left because (and I'm trying to find a nice way to say this) you just didn't believe I'd ever loved you for a better reason than people pushing us together, I've got this propensity to want to blame myself for not seeing it, for overlooking it and being completely oblivious towards it, for not being cautious in what I did when I knew you were watching my every move

ain't no going back now.. I couldn't have known that you had a colossal inferiority complex because you never said anything at all about it, and all you did was watch from afar, make your own conclusions, break your own heart and decide to move on without even telling me why or when you were leaving

I just don't blame you though. it was all just a big misunderstanding actually, and I can't hate you for that imperfection in your personality. I'm just... accepting the fate now. wasn't meant to be. okay fine.

but you'll always have a corner in my heart. cos no matter what, you'll always be that boy with the long unruly hair and those eyes that say a thousand words, and the one who was nothing but everything at the same time. (:

**
was out shopping with the gang today after pw op lecture. they're "the gang" simply because I can't be bothered to name out every single one of them. cos it's just not needed. (:

anyhows, I saw a MILF today: Mother I'd Love to Fondle/Fuck (whatever)

no, for the (horribly) ill-informed, I didn't invent that term (what the f! a bit wrong right!) bwahaha, it's real term okay. there's loads of them in america, they probably make billions every year out of the MILF porn industry

yea well. MOVING ON!

anyway I saw an asian milf today! horrible horrible sight. ): thank goodness it's my first time, I think if it was my second time I would have horribly utterly disgusted! revolted! you get the idea. today I was just. speechless. shocked. horrified, yes but more shocked. I ain't ever seen such humongous watermelons before okay no really.

she was wearing these teeny teeny tiny shorts, teeny-er than mickey mouse (who come to think of it isn't really that tiny, but nevermind) and teeny-er than. er. teens. HAHA. alright not funny.

and she was wearing an even teenier top! her boobs were all over the place, okay I swear. I think they were just about to pop out of her top O.o they're the biggest thingums I have ever ever EVER seeeeen on a woman alright okay to call her a woman would be an insult, I think I should call her er I dunno, Mrs Bigg.

so Mrs Bigg is really BIG and really BIGOTED. O.o I kid you not!

three ahbengs walked past openly gawking at her like she might as well have been walking around far east plaza wearing borat's infamous limegreen swimsuit okay O.O and one of the ahbengs was quite funny, his mouth was open so wide that I think you could have fit a trademark london doubledecker bus inside, or maybe even that purple tripledecker bus from harry potter, and then you can fit in a tiny vespa by the side of that bus.

AND THE MILF WENT,

"like what you see? hehehehehehehe"

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

o. m. g. I had no idea adults could be capable of such repulsive behaviour! she was old enough to be MY mum alright, and she was sashaying around making the fellas' members stick up like a pole (I'm sorry for the frankness, but really!) and making such provocative comments.

WOW! I wonder if annabelle chong ever thought of doing that ><

bwahahahaha

kay I'm off to play xbox now bye

aidilftriiiiii

2008-09-30T23:42:00.000+08:00

SLAMAT HARI RAYA! :D

since everyone's sms-ing and I can't really bothered to sms like all the malay contacts in my phone, cos like they're just too many since I'm just so popular like that, I'm just gonna say this here and now!

maaf zahir dan batin everyone! (: I really really hope that yall can forgive me if I went too far when I joked around, or if I hurt your feelings in any way at all. I really didn't mean it! just that I talk without thinking sometimes, like the words just come out and it takes me a while to realize I shouldn't have said it. so yeah! please forgive me! and I wish everyone a happpppppyyyy hari raya (: (: (: despite the depleting sums of raya money we get with every year! haha! just hope that everyone will have a SPANKING good time with their families and eating kueh and just being merry and GAY :D

heeeheeee

well my parents still aren't done with springcleaning! or whatever you call it lah. cleared out most of the storeroom today, though, guess that's progress! lol! but my living room is kinda transformed, cos there are new lights, new pillow covers, new curtains. I think it looks completely awesome now, cos I love the curtains my parents bought. it feels so much like home now. I mean much MORE homely and cosy. :P

for tonight I'm gonna watch sinar lebaran on suria! which is on right now, actually. see you guys HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY :D

p.s. wow fauzie laily is really good at being gay!