everybody thinks you're bad, I know that, and you know that, and you said you don't care. I can't believe I'm writing this here of all places, for everyone to see, I can't even be completely honest here because I have to consider the fact that other people are going to read this post and wonder what the hell I'm going on about and who the heck it is exactly I'm referring to, and it won't fly if I'm completely honest because of that.
closest thing I can get to telling you, though. and I can't get it off my mind, it's been bugging me since forever, especially after what happened two nights ago.
I don't even know what to say. don't know if you know, don't know if you care at all, because you've never said anything that tells me you do.
I don't know you. shit. but everyyyy time I say I wanna go, to find someone else, leave you behind cos I'm only getting hurt loving you, I end up back where I started and I don't even know why. it sucks to the core, I'm telling you, it's never been so hard for me to forget somebody before, but congratulations you're the first. :/
you know, today I was eating lunch with whoever was left at the chalet, and somehow the discussion turned to somebody else that I used to like, and someone asked me "why you don't like him? he's better than __(you)___ what." and honestly, I said "definitely". and I do admit, I know that boy better than I know you. at least I talk to him more. and truth be told, he's a lot like me in more ways than one.
but I have never felt the same way about him as i have for you, and I never will, and I can't explain why! sure I got all excited when he came up in conversations, sure I managed to convince myself he's the one for me, but it is not the same.
do you know how disconcerting it is, to love you without even knowing why?
if it mattered to me whether you were bad or not, I would never have fallen for you in the first place. I guess I'm not exactly normal in that way?
but then here's the thing. I can't describe why I like you. I can't put it in words. because I don't know. I know how to describe the feeling, but I can't say why, that's an entirely different ball game altogether.
and I don't know if that's good or bad. it kinda makes me feel so self-centred, but I told my friend about it yesterday and he said it's nothing to beat myself up about, because he's been there before and it's nothing to feel worried about.
I'm not crazy because I like someone without even knowing why.
I guess I won't stop until I know for sure. until I know you better. which means waiting until the holidays are over.. because if I don't, that would be weird.
until then, cheers and take care.
posted by aney @ 3:56 PM
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