first of all, I've only started hardcore mugging last weekend. i.e. the weekend that just passed. i.e. WHAT THE FUCK. and it's not even hardcore mugging like sit my ass down for six hours straight and burn the seat. it was more like sporadic bouts of mugging.
so maybe that was acceptable considering how hectic things were last weekend, and taking into account the fact that there was massive pw chionging to do for WR, and for EoM. -.- but that's still no excuse. ah shit.
second, I thought I knew where to draw the line when it comes to doing certain things to my friends. apparently I don't, I've been overstepping the boundaries. I'm honestly sorry guys if I've hurt your feelings or any such thing lately. you know I don't mean it ):
I need to watch what I say more. -.- I love all my friends but sometimes the words just jump out of my mouth before I can catch them. sorry you guys. really.
third, I don't know why I keep crying over spilt milk. I keep telling myself it's no use thinking of the past and wishing I could set things straight, but I just keep going back to those few golden months that I shared with them and I really really really want that one chance to redo everything and start over and pour my heart out to them, but I can't anymore.
they've gone for good. and everything that I stashed away in a corner of my heart and swept under the rug for everyone to trample all over, is forever going to be kept a secret. they're never gonna know about it, and though I wish I could have had the chance to tell them exactly how I felt I suppose it's for the better.
it's hard to see what good this has done sometimes, though.
and then I go full circle and I'm back where I started, until the next time something happens that triggers a memory and I start the cycle once again. it's sickening, why can't I just leave it behind?
the only way I could detach myself from those memories is to push any remnant of any feelings I ever had towards them so far back and away from my heart that I'll forget I ever had any feelings at all. but I'd have to be insusceptible to any emotions at all, and that's even worse.
I cannot leave the memories behind without completely numbing myself to them, which I don't want to do, and yet if I don't leave them behind it's gonna haunt me for as long as I'm alone. which is gonna be for a long time, I'm guessing.
extremes. you gotta hate them. ):
I have to go now seeyou guys
posted by aney @ 8:37 PM
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