\since we're such awkward bedfellows

be real

i went shopping today. something that I seem to be doing more and more of. I hope it's just a holiday thing. I don't want it to be a permanent affliction. I don't have the physical, mental and financial means to do that. dry laugh

anyway. now I have to choose between
a pink etnies shoe
a red and black converse shoe that looks totally punkish (it's even got anarchy signs and everything) and
a plain black and red vans shoe

don't you dare ask me why I want a pink shoe. it's not really pink lah, it's mostly white, put the etnies sign is pink.

I'm so unusually emo tonight. not emo about anyone. well for the most part, no. but

polly told me I'm growing up. haha. I guess I should be glad, but then she said I'm becoming more girlier, cos I apparently seem to be more open to girly stuff. I'm kinda scared. is this really me or am I really growing up? I have never liked pink before.

okay that aside. there's more important things going on than my sudden attraction to the colour pink. -.-

I've really been trying, honestly trying, to be more like an adult, to grow up. honestly speaking.

to me my two biggest problems (calling it flaws makes me depressed) are that I can't control my anger, even though I rarely show it. and I've got a fear. a really huge fear. that I'm scared to admit here, and that I really have to seriously fucking get over, it's starting to be a pain in the ass.

I've been trying to think more like an adult, act more like an adult and less like a child. it sucks that I have to grow up. I feel like I wanna grow up but at the same time I don't wanna face the fact that I'm gonna be 18 next year, and that technically means I'll be an adult next year.

and I feel nothing, NOTHING like an adult right now, even though I'm only a year away from being one.

it's like polly said, next year alevels, and then results, and then hopefully uni and then work!

where did the time go? I'm not prepared to grow up... but I have to you see.

I should have gotten a job, man, shit.

anyway I'm quite sure I am growing up, at least in the way I want myself to grow up. not in the way I didn't envision, like starting to like pink, eurgh.

I got pissed the other day, by a series of events, and basically the whole day sucked balls, but I didn't bark at anyone or spew profanities the whole time, and I could still smile. progress! (yeah, shut up)

but there's still a lot more work to do. I swear next year I'm gonna get a job the moment a levels end. I need a friggin job, yo.

and I selfishly hope the economic downturn lasts the next decade. it makes money less of an issue to go study overseas, in the likely event that I cannot secure a scholarship.

there's something else I reflected on that I'm not telling anyone about. feels horrible just thinking it, but I can't not think about it. is it reality... is it finally sinking in. shit I don't wanna give up.. if I'm growing up, I've gotta stop doing things blindly and just trusting my emotions. but that sucks, what happened to the six months plus that this thought never crossed into my head..

metro station said you won't be seventeen forever.. I wanna seize this chance, just do what my heart tells me to do and just trust my instinct and jump in.

what a major suckfest. I'm getting slightly schizophrenic..

in other news! to cheer myself up a little..

I like orchard rd at night. there's loads of cute guys around. and any city is nice at night. it's sexy. ;p

it's midnight!

I'M SEVENTEEEEEEEENNNNN. finally.

daddy please gimme back my mp4 now. ):

posted by aney @ 11:09 PM