♥
I am completely broke. you know, broke. I now have only 4 bucks to spend for the rest of the week. how completely awesome. and this is the list of things that I have to buy. well have/want to buy.1. new bag! ($50)
2. billabong wallet ($30)
3. new trucker cap ($19??)
4. new shoes! ($60)
haha well good luck to me. (: I think I'll only strike everything off the list at the end of the year >< but hokay! let's start scrimping now. or is it scrumping. screw it. SAVING :D
moving on... after so long, you'd think I would've gotten over it, right? forgotten about it. but no, I can't get rid of him so easily. I cannot just flush all thoughts of him out of my mind. don't get me wrong, when I think about him, I keep seeing that face he gave me that night and my stomach just gives this entire lumbering somersault and my lunch just feels like it's gone halfway up my throat again. I haven't the slightest idea why I feel so disgusted every time I see his face, he never did anything to me, I just feel like the horrible-est person on earth for not being able to reciprocate his feelings. but I really do simply just appreciate him as my friend and there's nothing I can do about that, I can't turn my feelings around out of nowhere. I would rather be dead than have to be with someone out of guilt. there is somebody else that I would love to give my whole heart to but I just can't, not just yet, because I don't know him that well yet. how could I be with someone against my will, when every inch of me is calling out to that someone who doesn't even know it? it does not make sense, and yet I still feel like a piece of shit, because I couldn't give him what he wanted, and I really really hate disappointing my own friends.
well. that being said. he really, really has no idea at all. he is clueless! in fact I do believe he's the most clueless guy I've ever met when it comes to girls. sometimes I don't know why I like him, but that's the thing that makes me laugh when I think about him. he's so completely oblivious to the way he made my heart beat so fast it kinda felt like it was overheating. to the way he makes me sick with joy. to the way I secretly love it when he watches me from afar. even if I'm probably just being delusional because why me, out of so many people in the crowd. to the way he can lift my spirits up just by smiling at me. I swear, when he does that, allllll that shit that's happened to me throughout the day just disintegrates into thin air.
the best part? he isn't even someone who's a jock, a metro, or simply just hot. he's none of those (actually he's pretty much quite dorky) and yet he still blows my mind. pretty unique, I say. awesome, even.
<3
I hope all turns out well. hopefully!
posted by aney @ 9:46 PM
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