\since we're such awkward bedfellows

I don't want her to leave. please don't let her go away. there's still so many things that I wanna do for her that I haven't done, and I still haven't managed to crush my ego long enough for me to say to her the things she deserves to hear from people... her husband's death was already too much to bear for me, and so was her daughter's, and she's the one I feel most 'tied' to among everyone her age.. I'm not emotionally detached from her. how could I stand to see her go? ):

on a different note, I think I don't just need to watch what I say sometimes, but I also certainly need to watch what I do. eep. sometimes I may not mean any harm by doing certain things, but other people don't see it that way and they get hurt in the process, all because I refuse to see that I'm hurting their feelings even if I don't mean to? I'm not gonna apologize anymore, I think apologies are overrated sometimes, especially in this case. I think in this case the greatest apology would be not through words but through my actions. I should learn to respect people's opinions more. :S

next .. once again, I find myself 'in between'. neither here nor there, and I don't plan to pick sides any time soon. I'm the neutral party again, and everyone thinks it's good that I can alternate between both sides with so much ease, but trust me it isn't good hearing one side talk about the other in a certain way.. I may be accepting of their views even if I don't necessarily agree with them but I still wish I wouldn't have to hear each side bitching about the other.. I don't know how to react.

do I jump to their defense, simply because they're my friends? or do I just keep quiet and keep my opinions to myself, and just listen while my friends get badmouthed.. I don't know, seriously. the thing that bothers me is that I don't mind hearing them get badmouthed sometimes, but why??

if I can jump to some of my friends' defence why can't I do it for all of them, if I love them all, each one as much as the other? maybe I don't. but it's not fair to them, just because I don't treasure some people as much as I treasure others, I let them get badmouthed.

aiyo. I wish had more guts sometimes, seriously.

posted by aney @ 8:54 PM