\since we're such awkward bedfellows

cryptic

if I could even say a word to you about this in real life, this is what I'd say:

dear ____,

I don't want you to think I'm a bitch. I'm not leaving because I found someone else, or because I was never serious about liking you. you know perfectly well how serious I was. people think I left him because I couldn't care less, because I never intended to stay for a long time, but it's not true. at the time, I just didn'treally know why I had to move on, I just knew I had to. which is why I felt even more guilty.

I was wondering about it all the time I was on the train on the way home and I've got to let you know that I don't think I'm ready for anything yet. I don't even wanna completely give myself to anyone right now, how can I expect anything to work out if I don't give my all... it's not you.

I just don't want to let my feelings govern me. I guess it's got a lot to do with my sticking it to The Man attitude as well. I'm supposed to be this tough girl, as far as not indulging in pretty little things like cute little earrings and furry little pink hearts and (omg!) gummybears and gumdrops, are concerned.. I'm less of a tough girl in reality though, there's loads of girls who're tougher than me, I'm still girly sometimes. that's me I guess. doesn't mean I like it.

so when I get a situation like this. where all we do is speculate about our feelings for one another. and just build something out of that. I wanna not do what a typical girlygirl would do, which... actually I don't even know what they'd do. it just seems like telling you I'm leaving, out of nowhere, is something they wouldn't do.

of course I don't just do it because I wanna prove something to myself. I don't wanna get hurt as well.I don't wanna let my feelings dictate my actions. don't wanna let my feelings take control of me. cos I don't like it when that happens, I'm reduced to a mess on the floor, looking like something that just came out of the cat's butt a few seconds ago.

I cannot let myself get hurt. I'm not gonna go with what I want to do instead of what I should do, I've got to do the grown-up thing and leave. I still love you. but if I can leave you when I still love you it's gonna go away. soon. some time later. I don't know. I've just got to put my foot down on it and do it, even if it hurts so much leaving the one you love. it's time I stopped being a stupid teenager and all weak and starryeyed and it's time I started getting real.

and you've got to have figured out at some point in time, it's forbidden that I be with you. not officially forbidden, but we're different. I'm not talking about personality. you know my mum would kill me if she knew. she says she's fine with it, but I know she's not. my dad has got his own reputation to keep, if I do this I'm gonna make him look like a hypocrite if my friends find out where he works.

I don't expect you to understand, I'm still having a hard time comprehending what I'm trying to do here. I just want you to know that I never intended to break your heart, and if it matters at all I went back and forth about a billion times before trying to think this through, I didn't wanna leave. and when I knew what I had to do I didn't want to do it, I didn't wanna hurt you.

please just find another person. there's loads of fish out in the sea and I'm not so special that I'm irreplaceable. you have to. I can't face you if you don't. just tell yourself you don't anymore and I know it's freaking hard, believe me I know, but you've just got to do it. save your own skin. don't let me break you promise me you won't.

I love you, but it's time we moved on.

**

think the person it's meant for should know it's for him. hopefully.

if you're a reader/passerby, and you're wondering what on earth it is I'm talking about and who the hell is such an unlucky idiot, and if you're planning to ask me about it, just do me a favour and don't ask me anything about it. thanks.

posted by aney @ 7:43 PM