\since we're such awkward bedfellows

bothered

why, oh why, must I ponder things so much? I've been so angsty and moody and just plain angry these past few days, for no reason at all. no particular reason, actually. pms? I hope so.

I'm keeping so many things to myself recently. as in, secrets. alright, maybe not secrets. thoughts. because obviously secrets are meant to be kept to yourself right. I'm going to burst soon. I should really talk about it to someone. after all, I am an ENFP. and that means I deal with problems by talking them out.

I just thought it'd be a nice change not to let everything out once in a while. it sucks, okay. I don't wanna talk about whatever's bugging me and yet I don't want it bothering me that much at the same time. what bullshit?! THEN TALK ABOUT IT LAH GIRL

but I don't wanna talk about it! I'll never see the end of it!

but would you rather not talk and mope around and pretend everything's fine, or would you rather blurt everything out like. like a really bad case of diarrhoea... and then feel much better after that.

(and now I'm talking to myself, awesome)

I've been trying and trying and trying to resolve things myself, which is what some people do, and it seems to work for them. but I can't quite stop these two voices in my head from going at loggerheads with one another... argh. and when it gets too insane and too damn painful for my brain, I just stop and think, fuck it this is bullshit, I'm not gonna care

which obviously does not work. at least not for me.

LISTEN TO ME. I SOUND LIKE A FRICKING SCHIZOPHRENIACCCC.

(omg american idol is on. ohwell, simple indulgence can wait a while more)

but really I am very very bothered by a lot of stuff. studies, my dad, my heart, my lack of maturity, and then sometimes I feel like this speck of dust going down the corridor. just, like my presence is inconsequential and insignificant in every way.. what the heck. where did that come from. ah but mostly it's studies and my heart.

I feel like I'm that dust that's kicked up when a car zooms off into the distance.. left behind. yup, most definitely. in every way, actually. because I'm behind in my studies, I'm obviously lagging behind in terms of securing that special someone, I'm a bit behind in terms of thinking maturely... bloody hell. why so serious.....

actually, I am being serious, it's just that I haven't realized that that's what I've been feeling like, so it's coming as pretty much of a shock to me right now aiyoh

which is why, tonight, I will just voluntarily vomit out all this shit inside of me, and swear as much as I want, because God knows, I need to do this...

I need to be alone la, shit. house is so damn noisy now, walao.

well at least there's a bright side in all of this.. mum. gosh. despite the fact that her voice is currently stabbing my ear right now, because she's nagging my brother and her voice carries all the way down the hall into the living room, where I am right now. she's had a calming effect on me this past week, I don't really know why. it gives me a kind of soothing comfort to talk to her about life. phew. thanks, Man, I really need that...

ALRIGHT. now before I doze off, which I'm pretty sure I will, soon, I shall do what I wanted to do initially. ha. bye.

and despite all the angst-ridden complaints and contemplations, on a very much happier note. happy cny guys, haha :) have a good time, can't wait to see yall again.

posted by aney @ 9:52 PM