\since we're such awkward bedfellows

the confusing & the confused

just got back from an open house. cny mah. got invited to a family friend's place for free food and fun :) haha but seriously, I had a really good time. it was weird at first cos well what am I doing, at some chinese person's house pretending like I celebrate cny in the first place, but people were so nice and we fit right in. haha.

made a lot of new friends! um 7, to be exact! haha. :) all around my age. we played games and stuff and though it was the first time I ever met all of them, they were so warm. I think I can safely say this is the best cny I've ever had! yay.

oo and I bumped into carmee lim at the house. omgosh I was so surprised! she looks just like she did when she came for ak concert a few years back. okay, maybe just a bit older. but duh right.

anyway. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I think my parents were keen to leave because tmr is a school day. not that I care, because I'll still turn in late when I get home, but you know parents. -.- lame that way.

tmr is a new day! a new SCHOOL day, to be exact. sighhh. that brings up the question, what have I been doing these past few days? I basically had a lot of fun! which I feel guilty for because I wanted to study, not all four days but still.

friday- whiled the time away, can't rmb how. I think it was a movie marathon.
saturday- ubin and subsequently gramma's place
sunday- malaysia (ayer hitam to be exact?)
monday- sentosa
tuesday- ubin (yeah AGAIN, don't ask) and then open house

ubin, malaysia, and sentosa. I am definitely more tanned. well actually maybe not that definite, I really have not scrutinised myself in the mirror because I don't dare. so I'll just placate myself and try and think I've not gotten even darker than I originally was. T_T

the thing about being sunburnt is that it's nice when you have slightly red skin, because um it's a nice change? but it's NOT nice when you get darker....... hmmm does that make sense? hahaha

yeah okay, so next up I have a confession.

I'm actually looking forward to school tmr! what is WRONG with me?!

I mean I can't wait to get back into the rhythm of things and basically just throw myself into j2 life in all its hecticness(?) and everything because um because I don't know lah. it's nice to be busy. I would prefer to be busy 3/4 of the time rather than have so much free time... busy meaning not with like cca and whatever, but more to do with studies.

that paragraph just screameedddd mugger, gosh. ohwell hahaha

you know something, I'm already planning what I wanna do after alevels. too much forward planning? haha. well it's sort of like an incentive for me. because I would only give myself that 'reward' of actually going through with that stuff if I'm completely convinced I've given alevels my 271 percent or something hahaha

....

sometimes I wonder if I should just stop caring so much about other people, because you know sometimes it doesn't seem like they'd do the same thing for me, or for that matter, it doesn't seem like they appreciate me most of the time anyways. maybe I care too much? I try to please everyone I know, I try to make everyone happy but I can't do that. I cannot please everyone and no matter how hard I try someone ends up feeling left out or something, and I hate that. but I try and change and then someone ELSE starts to resent it, and I'm left here thinking what the hell these people want from me...

if it might not seem like it, I am struggling to find the person I really am. who am I? I have no idea. I have bits and pieces of me, but not everything. and I really wanna know that person, which is exactly what I'm trying do right now.

listen, I love all my friends and I really wish I could cut myself into bits sometimes and give one bit to each friend so they'd never feel less of a friend than I actually consider them to be. ugh. of course, that's impossible. but what I'm trying to say is that. it is tough, finding the person you really are when you have to worry about what your own friends would think, would want you to do the moment they see changes in you.

so if I'm changing, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. you're free to tell me you don't like it, but I may or may not change because I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be the person you want me to be, I want to be the person I am, whether you like it or not.

...

don't expect you guys would 100% understand all that stuff I just said. it makes perfect sense to me, and if it doesn't to you, well tough titty. good for you if you get it, I'm not gonna bother explaining further.

I expect I'll really think some more before I sleep. gosh, I need to talk to someone about this. tmr is a new day. tmr I'm seeing my friends. tmr I will talk to someone about this. hopefully.

and today has been tiring, but really fun, and I don't regret anything about today. :)

posted by aney @ 10:45 PM