I'm pretty superficial. D: most of the time I fall for people who are good-looking, i realize. fucking horrible. ): no wonder I end up with a broken heart half the time. even if it's that not the only reason I like them.
I've only ever liked people who aren't good-looking, twice. and you know what? one of them was the best guy that has ever come into my life. 'cept that he's gone now and I can't do anything about that because it's my fault that he's gone anyways.
it took the longest longest longest longest time to forget about him and I really really miss him sometimes, when things get really really screwed up, i wish he could be there so i could talk to him. he had this soothing effect on me whenever I was pissed with the world. don't know if it was his voice, or the things he said to make me cool down, or both. he seems to be the only one so far who knew how to make me shut up and stop complaining about life and keep going at it until I get what I want. he taught me to keep my chin up and face the world with a renewed optimism and determination everytime I screwed up big-time.
and I had to be a fucking bitch and screw everything up. I still feel quite horrible about it now. well I was a different person back then, and I took him for granted, and I didn't.. well. I just basically took him for granted. I will never forget that look on his face when he saw me do it with his own two eyes. I cannot. I've never seen anyone look so genuinely hurt and shocked and devastated all at the same time. and by the time I realized just what I'd let slip through my fingers, he was already gone. there was nothing I could do about it and it took me almost two years to forget him.
I can't ask for a replacement of him. that would be unfair, because to each his own, and who am I to judge anyone else based on how they compare with someone from my past? i don't have that liberty.
all I ask is that I find a best friend and a lover rolled into one. sounds simple. but it's way complex in reality. I'll just have to wait and wait and wait. cos when it comes it's gonna be so beauitful and so right and awesome. :D
...one more thing. completely unrelated; you know just because I defend a guy friend doesn't mean I've got feelings for him D: D: D: D:
alright. gonna sleep now, quite tired after going gyming. BYE!
posted by aney @ 8:36 PM
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