I know everyone keeps telling me that I should cool down. that I should take constructive steps to rectify my relationship with my dad. but everything I do, only lasts temporarily. I can't understand why he has to be so unreasonable. he never tries to understand anything I do, or anything that happens in my life, or anything that goes on in my head. I don't think he considers it worth knowing, until something goes horribly wrong.
to him, everything in my life is frivolous. to him, everything I do, is meaningless. because I'm not reading some intellectual book, like he wants me to, because I'm not into architecture or 3D or designing, like he wants me to. he hates it when he gives me something that he thinks I should be interested in, and I completely don't take any interest in it. he gave me a book on how to set up my own virtual company on secondlife, I only read the first 6 pages and I got bored. he got so goddamn pissed. I'm not interested in it! what the hell do you want me to do about it!
apparently I don't know what to do my own life. apparently I don't care where my life goes as long as "everything turns out fine". if he only knew. it's true that I don't know what I wanna be when I grow up. I'm not one of the lucky few that gets to discover their lifelong ambition at an early age. but at least I know what direction I wanna take it in. I know what field I want to go into, but it's just that I don't have a specific title or post in my mind, because the field is just so varied.
when I tell that to his face, he doesn't believe me. he says I'm just going along with the herd mentality. and just because someone told him that students tend to pick that particular field because they think it's "cool". if you know me well enough you should know what it is. he says I do it because I wanna pretend like I'm like everyone else. hello, I didn't even know everyone else thought it was cool when I picked it. I thought it was the dorkiest thing ever! if everyone else wants to pick it because they think it's cool, then fine, that's their decision. but I'm sticking with mine, whether everyone suddenly decides to switch to something else at the last minute, or NOT.
and one more thing. I don't like people, no. I HATE, people imposing themselves on me. I'm completely disgusted at it. I respect that he has to draw the line somewhere, because he's my dad, that's what he's supposed to do, but the way he acts, it's like he thinks I don't know where to draw the line. hah. if he only knew, the number of times I've had to draw the line for myself this year alone. he treats me like a 7 year old who can't take care of herself. when I say I do, he says I don't, and he steps in, and he tells me to show him I can. I do it again, and he says I'm being rebellious.
when he scolds me, he expects me to be a snivelling mumbling fool standing in one corner being so terrified of him. I'm sixteen. I have a mind of my own. that kind of treatment doesn't FIT me anymore! he shouts at me to defend myself, and when I do, he says I'm being rebellious. so I have to shut up. which makes me hate him even more at that moment.
oh God. please tell me where I've gone wrong. I'll do anything to salvage my relationship with my father. any truce is only temporary. there's always something else that comes along my way. we're probably both at fault, I know it. all I ask is that You let me see how to be the daughter that he wants me to be, without having to compromise the daughter that I wanna be, as well. there is this wall between us when we talk now, because I can't understand him and he can't understand me. I want to go back to when things were so much simpler, so less complicated. I wish You could just magick away this wall, and I wish I could talk to him like he was a close friend. I know You can't do that, because that's up to me. but tell me how to do it. I need You. please help me. I love my dad. I know I should be thankful that I still have one, and I honestly feel like a git because I keep running into problems with him. I can't have that loving relationship with him that people who don't have dads anymore, want to have. it makes me feel like an idiot. there they are, trying to remember what kissing their dads felt like, what getting a huge from your dad meant. here I am, complaining about him. I'm not that ungrateful git. I need You to tell me what I should do. how I can help myself. I really really need You, allah. ):
posted by aney @ 10:32 PM
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