well, in other more important news, boys like girls performed here yesterday--AND I DIDN'T GO. ): I promised myself I'd go, I mean I've been a fan of them since sec2, even before they went mainstream! that would mean close to three years that I've been a fan of them. AH. and now I have to wait for don't know how long more before I can ever get a CHANCE to see them perform. SHIT.
don't even ask why. I'm not even gonna talk about why, it still pisses me off to no end. ):
they better come for singfest next year! if not I'm gonna commit suicide. but if they DO come for singfest next year (:D!) I'll use alllllll my hari raya money to buy singfest tickets. I DONT CARE, I WILL. ):
okay I'll stop whining now, and I'll move on. oh god I hate mugging ): my brain hurts so much right now, ah. ..eh so much for stop whining. -.-
fasting month is here! and with that I hope I can get more out of praying and fasting than just pahala. after all, it isn't just about pahala is it? there has to be more to it than just reciting verses in a foreign language that I don't even understand. I need to find a way to make Him real to me. I want to feel Him in my bones everywhere I go. I need that as my anchor, especially in rjc. I really really really want to feeeeeel his presence wherever I am.
maybe it says something that I can't do that. then in that case I've got even more reason to do whatever it takes so I can do that!
the question is, how? I don't know who I can ask about this. I can't ask my ustazah, she'll probably just tell me I should go for the wednesday night syarahans. and then I'll sit there listening to some ustat or ustazah talking in a condescending manner about how everyone who doesn't pray or fast will burn in hell forever. which isn't anything I don't know.
I can't ask my parents, I'm too scared to ask them. if I sat down with my dad to talk to him about this he'll probably turn it into an hour-long lecture about ustats who do nothing all day but sit and count their prayer beads, and then check their Rolex watches and go home in their flashy red BMWs. which btw, I think is an overgeneralization, but don't tell dad I said that. he'd be so furious. and I don't wanna get into a debate about this.
can't ask my friends. don't think they really think about this kind of thing. or maybe I'm just underestimating them. but even if they do, I don't know anyone whom I'm comfortable enough to talk about this to.
I think I'll ask my cousin. she's the only one I know who's open to me about this kind of stuff. I need someone who won't judge me, and who can give me a sensible wise and encouraging answer. and if there's anyone I know who's wise beyond her years, it's my cousin, and I love her to death. and I'm not just saying that, honestly I do, she's the best sister ever.
but i don't think I treasure her as much as I should. that seems to be my disease with the people that I love. that, and not knowing how to show that I really care.
...and that will open up a whole new array of topics for discussion. the most obvious one being.. well. the impression that I don't care about my friends.
this goes out to everyone I call my friends and who calls me their friend as well. I may not know what to say in certain situations, I may not give the best advice ever in the world, and I may not be comfortable with saying 'I love you' to individual boys and girls unless it's absolutely necessary. with girls it just seems frigging gay and with guys, it's just weird. unless I'm joking.
I know I'm not the nicest friend you'll ever know, but if there's one thing that you have to be sure about me, is that I care for my friends. I love them a whole lot, and don't you ever dare shortchange me just because I don't show it as much as others do. pisses me off to think people would see me that way, because that's just utter bullshit.
alright i guess I'll stop here, i won't stop otherwise, haha. cya guys
and btw, if this post has been in any way even minutely offensive to anyone, I apologize, it's just what I think. I may be wrong, and if I am, hopefully I'll learn, but right now, that's my opinion, and I don't mean to piss anyone off by it. I know I'll piss some of you off, just please don't rigorously pursue the topic if you see me in real life or on msn and want to lob off my head for it. don't mean any harm! just please respect my opinion and keep your opinions to yourself. I'd appreciate that. I mean that's what I'd do if I were you. really. (:
posted by aney @ 9:23 PM
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