\since we're such awkward bedfellows

hey. buggers.

I don't really have much to blog about anyway so this is gonna be an empty post (not like my usual ones aren't full of crap either, but..)

well okay it's not gonna be empty, I'm just gonna talk about something that only I will understand, lol cos it's the only way I can get my thoughts organized and make it all make sense O.o I can't just sit and stare into space and think, the way some people can. it hurts my brain, for one thing (yea, don't laugh -.-) and I just get distracted very easily.

anyway!

well I realize that I don't really have a clear idea of the kind of person that I am. right now it's just a lot of possibilities of the kind of person I can be, because ultimately it's your choice who you wanna be and no one can stop you from being who you are.

but the thing is that I don't even know who I am really. someone told me once before that I'm different because I do my own thing, I don't blindly follow what other people do. I don't know how much truth there is in that statement.. after all I can't completely know what other people think of me. but I know that it is quite stupid to do something to satisfy other people.

actually come to think of it, I'm always "just different" (I quote). but no one says why, or how, or in what way. if it's really true, I guess I could say I'm proud of myself, but what I really wish I could do is either to get someone's honestestest opinion of me, or to just sort of see myself in the third person. that would rock, to be able to tell the kind of person I am without any inhibitions, or denial even.

sometimes I've got too much pride to want to acknowledge my own weaknesses. very bad.

there's the thing about being your own worst enemy. in a good way. if you really put your mind to it, you can be your own worst critic. corny as it may sound, it was actually something I picked up from an interview with taufik (batisah, yea, the singapore idol lol) a long time ago. he said he's his own worst critic. which I thought was quite cool because, generally back then, I thought no one had an ego that was small enough to allow themselves to be their own worst critic. guess I was just jaded. lol.

maybe I just haven't been faced with enough adversity for the real me to come out. I mean I'm talking about the no-holds-barred, raw, version of me. the one that would come out when times get rough. I wish I could just know the kind of person I am, the kind of principles I adhere to. it's not easy is it? figuring that part out about yourself unless the need truly arises for you to show how principled you are...

but you don't really need adversity to come knocking on your door before you can figure out the kind of person you are. do you? .....

I mean really, if you live a life that is too pampered, so assured and stable that adversity doesn't even figure as a real english word in your dictionary, then you tend to just take things for granted, don't you? like everything will always be there for you and this is the way your life will always be, because you've never known any other life.

I want to know the kind of person that I am! but I don't know how to. much as I would like to, I can't just dive deep into the depths of my soul and study myself from the inside, like I said, I've got too much pride to do that. I'll just deny everything when I come to a conclusion.

sigh.

then again, all it takes is determination. I should try, really try, to make myself be my own worst judge and just unleash the worst critic of myself that I've ever had: myself. but of course it's gonna be hard. but I will just try. God willing I'll know by the time JC life ends.

posted by aney @ 3:53 PM