\since we're such awkward bedfellows

mulling things over.. 'soul-searching', if you will... although somehow that seems like such a overstatement. I guess, in a way, I am trying to find myself. because.. okay nevermind. this is just getting way too deep..

anyway.. the other day, on my birthday, felt so surprised that I got that many birthday wishes. they weren't exactly like breaking down my door, but it was still quite a surprise.. a pleasant one, of course. and all of them, from people I hold dearly in my hearts.. people I always talk to, hang out with sometimes in school.. good friends.

and then I realized I've quite a number of good friends.. I mean I'm not trying to be smug or show off or something. yes, it makes me feel good, but only because I know there's love all around, no matter how corny that sounds.. it is nice to feel loved, of course!

but how often do I get to meet someone I can really hit it off with? more than just being able to hang out a lot with them. that I can do with any good friend.. I'm talking somewhere along the lines of best friend. never really had a best friend since primary school. I had three different best friends at that time.. one from p1-p3, another in p4 and another in p5.

start to wonder why. and that brings a whole lot of other questions to mind. and it's like she was on cue or something, my mum mentioned to me the next day that she thought I would have been better off if I went to another school, somewhere other than rgs. didn't exactly hit me like a pile of bricks, just slightly depressing.

wondered how my life would have turned out if I hadn't gone to rgs. I might never have gone to rjc, I doubt I'd get 6 points for my olevels..

anyway. maybe it was rg, maybe it wasn't, but then there's this door inside of me that won't open up. corny shit, but really. I'm almost afraid of being my real self. fine, not "almost", I am. thought it was a fear of judgement that was hampering me from truly opening up to people, because I'm not like that with my family, cos I know family doesn't judge you, ever. know you inside out, upside down, whatever, but they'll still love you no matter what.

but it's not just that. I don't really know what it is, but all I know is that I'm not fully opening up to the people around me, despite having many good friends. let's say I'm still 20% closed up. wish I could be 100%, but how, when I don't even know who I really am?

posted by aney @ 11:32 PM