\since we're such awkward bedfellows

vulgarities galore (sorry)

today was fucking screwed. let me tell you why.

1. I lost my wallet
2. I lost someone I love
3. now I don't know if I should do anything about him
4. I got pissed off for a really small reason and I lost my temper in school. IN SCHOOL. I couldn't have lost it some place else.
5. I wanna fucking kick something right now
6. AS IF NOT BEING IN THE BEST OF MOODS AT THE START OF THE DAY WASN'T ENOUGH?!?!?!?!
7. YOU, ARE SO, SO, SO, SO, MEANNNNN. NO WONDER SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE?!

1- I'm fucking pissed at myself. D: this has gotta be the millionth time. I HATE THISSSSS. it dropped, literally dropped out of my bag, because I clearly remember putting it inside my bag. and when I opened the zip at the mrt, it wasn't there. and I went everywhere and asked everyone but noone saw it, which pissed me off even more. WHAT THE FUCK, seriously.

2 & 3- ahhhhh maybe I'm just overthinking things again. but really, I don't know where I stand with you right now. ): and if I didn't think about small things like this I don't think we'd actually be anywhere right now. ironically enough, we technically aren't 'anywhere', but see, it still counts. but it's not enoughhhh. it's not the time factor. there's a lot about you I don't know. in fact, I don't even know anything about the real you. aside from what people tell me... but that's beside the point. I can't base a judgement on speculation, for god's sake. I'm really really confused about 'us' though. is there even an 'us' in the first place? 'us' would be wrong. 'us' would be like othello and desdemona (haha) but that's horribly unfair. it's never felt so right before. it can't be wrong to love someone without really knowing why, can it? but that's the thing. I've never loved a guy and not been able to explain why. which scares me, because why can't I explain it? doesn't that mean it's not real? but it feels real, like it just happened, it just slipped right into place. or is just because I fall too easily? but if I did, there'd be a million other guys I could choose to fall for and try as I might, I can't. and I can't even see anyone else when I talk to you, the world just melts away. then it's just something about you. but what is it? I don't know what it is! D: I lo- lo- lo- I can't say it. I don't mean it. I have to mean it before I can say it proudly. I'm not even technically your friend. even if I'm more than a friend, I have to actually be a friend first right. in more ways than one. that's the hard part. it's so hard to get near to you. but I haven't tried. so I can't say I give up. the question is, am I willing to lay my ass line for you? I've never done that for any guy. of course I've poured out the contents of my heart for someone before, but laying my ass on the line for you is a whole new ball game. but the ball's in my court anyway. gotta figure out a way to do this without the whole world knowing and without hurting either of us. AHHHHH LIFE DAMN TOUGH. T_T

4- haha. it wasn't what happened that got me pissed off, it was what the person who did it meant by doing it which honestly drove me nuts. I haven't felt so pissed off in a long time. I felt like my blood was boiling, like my entire body was on fire, like something inside me was ignited and couldn't be put out. like I was possessed, haha. cos I couldn't think straight and my thoughts were all jumbled up and all I could think about was what a bloody fucking asshole that person was. so I lost my temper, but thankfully it wasn't too bad.. I don't really regret it though, I've been pissed a lot lately, at the same thing most of the time, just that I didn't let it get to me. but when I let it get to me today, it felt really gooooood. haha. ugh. that's kinda twisted, but whatever. ):

5- except i can't cos I don't dare to. the last time I was pissed, I was pissed enough to impulsively want to let it out on the nearest wall, anddd after that I couldn't walk properly for like 2 days. T_T ala when you're pissed you don't think about anything what, you just do it, because you can't think logically and sensibly about what you want to do first.

6- AHHHHHH TOTALLY. it's not anyone's fault. I just miss a few people whom I've not seen since the start of the year. and it's that time of the month, I'm riding the crimson wave, 'red' fever, whatever.. so YEA. DONT MESS WITH ME. hahaha. nah kidding. today was an isolated incident, I promise. in fact I don't even have to promise. just ask my friends. it really is lorh. I don't really get horribly pissed off easily. yea.

7- PINKY! THAT WAS A BITCH MOVE, F(R)IEND, EVEN IF IT WAS NECESSARY. HAHAHAHA. you're damn amusing. you know you could have found other ways to do it?! AIYA. you're lucky it was only a passing crush. what if it wasn't huh? you would have been so so screwed haha. alamak. siao ah you. hahaha. so much for 'oh shit I dont wanna hurt her feelings HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW?!?!!?!' hahahaha GILER. <3

posted by aney @ 6:25 PM