twist to fit the mold that I am in
yay WOOHOO so I'm not moving to lj after all haha :)
I found a way to password protect my posts! never knew you could do that with blogger :P I'm so glad lahh. you know how frustrating it is to edit lj layouts? omg. or maybe it's just me, but EVEN SO.
see, currently I know of a certain group of people who are reading my blog without my knowledge, and um frankly, it's embarrassing because well I don't want them to read some of the shit I say here. though I can't really blame them because after all this blog USED to be a public blog. but now it's not!
and I never thought I'd be the one who'd get into this internet privacy thing and stuff, but well now I am so THERE.
NOW TRYING SNOOPING ON ME, SUCKAS. HAHAHA -maniacal laugh-
ohyes, and I was getting tired of my blogskin and all the needless clicking to do to get to the tagboard and the posts and the links and whatever other shit, so yea I changed it and now it's much more simplified. YAY.
[plus diwei says that when 'just dance' comes on, and it's the middle of the night, the first few notes sound really scary, which is quite hilarious come to think of it! xD]
okay so now I'm moving on. ask me for the password! cheers.
tonight
aiyo.
too many people reading this thing ready. as in too many people I don't want reading it. I think I'm gonna switch to lj soon.
yea, again. but I'm gonna friendslock it this time. and well, lj doesn't really have much of a cool layout thing going. which is fine by me, because I don't really want to be concerned with layouts when all I want to do is speak my mind freely and just do whatever I want.
anyway. I'm depressed tonight. because I think I'm disgusting. ): I feel like curling up into a ball and locking myself in my room and crawling under the sheets and just lying there. I don't wanna cry, in fact I don't feel sad at all, but I'm just.... I don't know. disgusted la, aiya.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. but I don't wanna bother anyone, because it's quite stupid actually... even though it's been on my mind for the whole of this past week.
I gotta wonder, though, exactly how true it is when people say I shouldn't worry too much because there's nothing lacking in me. no matter how many times people say it, I still can't completely believe it. because I just don't see it.
cos tonight, I just see so many damn imperfections in me, and it sucks.
OKAY ENOUGH OF THIS STUPID MISERY. FUGGIN PATHETIC LA, STOP IT MAN. ITS NOT THAT BAD SIAL. I WILL CHEER MYSELF UP IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO... before I sleep. hahahaa.
kay I think I found my antidote. yep i did! james morrison :) goodnight world.
have no fear for giving in, have no fear for giving over, you better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than to never say what you need to say againyou know I can't hold on much longer. be my guest, tell me what I want to hear.
wow I'm dead tired right now... I don't even have the energy for ihist anymore, I'm not gonna bother putting in effort, just anyhow do la. the worst that could happen is that he's gonna think me incompetent, which I really don't care about right now. sialah damn tired man. ): my head spinning like crazy la
I feel murderous a lot more of the time now than I did last year. which is sad, but strangely something that I have no desire to change. apparently, I look the part too, which i realize can't be good, but again, I don't care :) almost like I'm bearing a grudge against the world for no particular reason, and only my friends and family are excluded from the viciousness of it.
maybe I'm just angry that I have to repeat the whole cycle again, of mugging and doing homework and having to give a shit about my grades... sometimes it feels like it makes no difference to the person that I am whether I get a fuckin A or not. and come to think of it, it really doesn't. but well, it makes difference to university admission officers, and that really sucks.
if it weren't for that, I wouldn't care so much. -.-
k that's all folks tata
never miss a beat.
I kicked a guy's shoe on purpose today, how fun. :) I mean it, I'm not being sarcastic! he was irritating me because I was at starbucks and I wanted to get my caramel frappe and he was in my way, and he purposely blocked it, and then he asked me what's my name. WHAT THE SHIT?!
I told him my name's aminah. first thing that came to mind. I mean, it's like, who the hell is this random mat and why is he so fucking irritating? okay I'll play along. then MAT = aMINAH right. so ya la. he believed it, and moved aside, which is all I really wanted.
and then he asked me which school I'm from, and I had half a mind to say ITE, because I wasn't wearing sch u. but then Mr Cute Barista gave me my Cfrappe and so I had to go. so I kicked his shoe la. then he was like "adui" and I shrugged and walked away wahahaa the look on his face was priceless :)
I'm dead tired, man. I didn't even do much studying today. just went to the library for a while to study econs. and then went home after about an hour..
I am too lazy to study tonight. no sirree, I'm notttt in the mood to be making notes right now, and as for math... math is just horrible. I don't understand a single bit of vectors.
I think I'll go sleep now :) nights.
ohyeah one more thing. someone asked me why I'm so rebellious towards my dad. haha. erm well because he's unreasonable sometimes and it really pisses me off, some of the things he does. typical father-daughter riff kinda stuff.
but hey I'm not that bad a kiddo. I listen more to my mum than to my dad, because my mum is the voice of reason. and I would definitely prefer to be talked to like an adult, even punished like an adult, instead of like a small child. plus mum just GETS me sometimes. I love her man. :)
the confusing & the confused
just got back from an open house. cny mah. got invited to a family friend's place for free food and fun :) haha but seriously, I had a really good time. it was weird at first cos well what am I doing, at some chinese person's house pretending like I celebrate cny in the first place, but people were so nice and we fit right in. haha.
made a lot of new friends! um 7, to be exact! haha. :) all around my age. we played games and stuff and though it was the first time I ever met all of them, they were so warm. I think I can safely say this is the best cny I've ever had! yay.
oo and I bumped into carmee lim at the house. omgosh I was so surprised! she looks just like she did when she came for ak concert a few years back. okay, maybe just a bit older. but duh right.
anyway. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I think my parents were keen to leave because tmr is a school day. not that I care, because I'll still turn in late when I get home, but you know parents. -.- lame that way.
tmr is a new day! a new SCHOOL day, to be exact. sighhh. that brings up the question, what have I been doing these past few days? I basically had a lot of fun! which I feel guilty for because I wanted to study, not all four days but still.
friday- whiled the time away, can't rmb how. I think it was a movie marathon.
saturday- ubin and subsequently gramma's place
sunday- malaysia (ayer hitam to be exact?)
monday- sentosa
tuesday- ubin (yeah AGAIN, don't ask) and then open house
ubin, malaysia, and sentosa. I am definitely more tanned. well actually maybe not that definite, I really have not scrutinised myself in the mirror because I don't dare. so I'll just placate myself and try and think I've not gotten even darker than I originally was. T_T
the thing about being sunburnt is that it's nice when you have slightly red skin, because um it's a nice change? but it's NOT nice when you get darker....... hmmm does that make sense? hahaha
yeah okay, so next up I have a confession.
I'm actually looking forward to school tmr! what is WRONG with me?!
I mean I can't wait to get back into the rhythm of things and basically just throw myself into j2 life in all its hecticness(?) and everything because um because I don't know lah. it's nice to be busy. I would prefer to be busy 3/4 of the time rather than have so much free time... busy meaning not with like cca and whatever, but more to do with studies.
that paragraph just screameedddd mugger, gosh. ohwell hahaha
you know something, I'm already planning what I wanna do after alevels. too much forward planning? haha. well it's sort of like an incentive for me. because I would only give myself that 'reward' of actually going through with that stuff if I'm completely convinced I've given alevels my 271 percent or something hahaha
....
sometimes I wonder if I should just stop caring so much about other people, because you know sometimes it doesn't seem like they'd do the same thing for me, or for that matter, it doesn't seem like they appreciate me most of the time anyways. maybe I care too much? I try to please everyone I know, I try to make everyone happy but I can't do that. I cannot please everyone and no matter how hard I try someone ends up feeling left out or something, and I hate that. but I try and change and then someone ELSE starts to resent it, and I'm left here thinking what the hell these people want from me...
if it might not seem like it, I am struggling to find the person I really am. who am I? I have no idea. I have bits and pieces of me, but not everything. and I really wanna know that person, which is exactly what I'm trying do right now.
listen, I love all my friends and I really wish I could cut myself into bits sometimes and give one bit to each friend so they'd never feel less of a friend than I actually consider them to be. ugh. of course, that's impossible. but what I'm trying to say is that. it is tough, finding the person you really are when you have to worry about what your own friends would think, would want you to do the moment they see changes in you.
so if I'm changing, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. you're free to tell me you don't like it, but I may or may not change because I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be the person you want me to be, I want to be the person I am, whether you like it or not.
...
don't expect you guys would 100% understand all that stuff I just said. it makes perfect sense to me, and if it doesn't to you, well tough titty. good for you if you get it, I'm not gonna bother explaining further.
I expect I'll really think some more before I sleep. gosh, I need to talk to someone about this. tmr is a new day. tmr I'm seeing my friends. tmr I will talk to someone about this. hopefully.
and today has been tiring, but really fun, and I don't regret anything about today. :)
LG. life's good 8D
spent a little time these past few days to figure out a new playlist for when I get my mp4 player back from my dad, and it's been great! I LOVE MAMBO NUMBER FIVEEEEEEEE :D
my three fave songs of the whole list are
1. say- john mayer
2. when the children cry- white lion
the second song made me cry! I loveeeeee ittttt :) and there's only two songs in the world that have ever made me cry before.
past few days have been great! life just seems so cool and nice and awesome right now:) I've been spending most of my time going out, and only about 1/4 of it studying. heh. but I don't regret it!
I went to ubin on saturday and spent most of the day there. needless to say I got sunburnt hahaha my face was really quite red, but the strange thing is that I was there from 10 in the morning all the way till about 4 in the afternoon but I was nowhere near as tired as if you were to make me run 4 rounds around the field ): in fact I wasn't tired even the slightest bit!
I love cycling I really really really do! WOO! especially at ubin. I normally cycle ahead and leave everyone behind, because I like that feeling of being alone when I'm cycling, it's just pure bliss! you can just really soak up the tranquility of it all. it's extremely therapeutic for me :)
yesterday went off to malaysia! to my granduncle's house. and I discovered that genius is in my genes :) won't elaborate, hahaha. cos I don't think I'm supposed to. anyway my mum reminded me yesterday that I got an A in math at the end of sec4. SO I CAN DO IT AGAIN :)
but yknow malaysia mats are really something else.... and I don't mean that in a good way. haha. I was at jusco and then there was this mat who did that beckoning thing with the index finger. AND HE BLEW A KISS.
ERM. OKAY MISTER PERV. HOW BOUT YOU KISS MY ASS INSTEAD. my favourite spot to be kissed at hahahaha
my mum wanted to buy me dresses. erm NONO. I don't wear dresses! my dad expressed his horror at my wanting to be a tomboy. wahahaha well TOUGH TITTY. he brought me up on hot wheel cars and military tanks instead of polly pockets and barbie dolls. anyway I like myself just the way I am.
okay I'm going off to sentosa bye :D
