first of all, OP IS FINALLY OVER. :D PW IS FINALLY DONE! woots! (: well my group's op wasn't perfect, but I guess we all tried our best and whatever happened, it's all past now and we just have to accept it as what it is. good job, dancing dragons. (: (errr yea that's our group name :D can't even rmb whose idea it was)
and jonlim! if you ever read this. just don't kill yourself over the laptop thing okay, seriously. it wasn't even your fault. FORGET ABOUT IT! please just do. you honestly looked terrible after the whole thing. nevermind la dude. it doesn't matterrrrr, honestly!
second... after op a bunch of us went to watch "hsm3" haha. well we wanted to watch hsm3 anws but we ended up watching Tropic Thunder, which is this m18 movie :D it's quite funny actually.
went to amk hub with kexin and victor all the way ermmm imitating somebody haha and being all crazy and suan-y (?) since OP was finally over and there's nothing to worry about anymore. met val ros xintian at fish&co!
here, I'd like to say that fish&co fish&chips are definitely not the best in town. victor couldn't finish his, and neither could I, and I SHARED MINE WITH XIN TIAN. okay technically it was hers, since she was kind enough to share with me and pay for the whole thing.. YAY XIN TIAN (:
kexin tried getting tix for tropic thunder, I think the conversation with the counter lady (?) went something like this
cl: are you 18? kexin: yes cl: can I see your IC? kexin: yes cl: ....you're not 18.. kexin: YES
hahahaha wth. SO! then we decided to watch HSM instead. and victor was moaning about how he paid 16bucks in total to watch HSM3. haha. he watched it before, that's why
personally I would have been fine with anything, cos it's not the movie that matters, it's the people that I'm watching it with. (: even though I've always thought HSM is gay and disgusting, and is really quite disney-ish and politically correct. heh. yea.
anw so the hsm tickets were bought, and then ruiling yumin and sambor came all feeling pretty much betrayed that they were spending 10bucks on HSM hahaha :P but we're such smart people, that we sneaked into the cinema showing Tropic Thunder once we got past the ticket guy. :D
that said.
TROPIC THUNDER'S DAMN FUNNY :D ben stiller-directed movie. the opening scene is DAMN disgusting okay, there's this guy that got bayoneted and his intestines were literally all over the place, and then some guy got an arrow in his head and there was blood squirting out of that hole in his head, so grosssssss
oh yea but all grossness aside, the rest of tropic thunder is very much a COMEDY movie (: hahaha.
and the song at the end is damn nice! the rap one, where tom cruise dances his retarded dance to. damn friggin retarded. but anyway it's get back by ludacris. check it out, yo. it's friggin catchy man.
my fave character is ben stiller... tugg speedman, I think. DAMN DUMBASS SHIT. hahaha. okay you have to watch to know what I'm talking about, so I'll shut up now.
afters went to mosburger for a while, cos yumin and sambor wanted to eat something, but I left before they even got their food heh :D curfew la. it was 930 then my curfew's at 10, but dad wasn't at home and mum was. knowing mum, she'll still cover me if I get back at 11, but I can't take advantage of her like that right.
cos unlike dad, she knows that when I stay out late with friends it's not cos I have a strong aversion towards being a good girl and coming home within curfew but because HEY I LOVE MY FRIENDS?! and she's a little less paranoid than my dad, who thinks that if I get back home any later than 10, I'll get raped while I'm walking back home. -.- gee thanks for the concern, dad, wish you'd manifest it in some other way -.-
dad's just feudalistic like that. but don't tell him I said that. he might lecture me about how he's doing it all for my own good, which I really don't need to hear.
moving on!
THIRD.
was going home, feeling2 ah, got kat deluna's Run The Show blasting in my ears, a brandnew trucker cap on my head and a jacket that's perfect for shoving my hands into the pockets.
and then it was cck mrt la. then got this mat. he was walking past. poseur2 with his fedora hat and everything.. then he walked past and I was staring at the floor kay, cos I was thinking about something, then he bloody stepped in front of me and peeked under my cap, and he was like "lawa sey topi adik, kasi abang pinjam boleh?" (translated, means "nice seh your cap, can I borrow it?")
wtf man. damnnnnnn random!
I just went "heh. NO" and I pushed past haha what a weirdoooooo D: I think he was kinda pissed or something, cos I he went "eh!" when I accidentally on purpose? (HEE) shoved his shoulder a little bit. haha.
hey it was a bad time to catch me. I was really thinking VERY HARD about something okay! two different things bothering me. well three. one I'm relatively less bothered about, but still.
FOURTH!
you don't need a reason to love somebody.. but why do I love you?
i hate being sick ): medicine is gross, and my muscles feel like mashed potato slipping down to the floor. my brain. is just. literally. grey matter. haha
but for some reason I'm feeling incredibly sentimental tonight. I've been listening to howie day's collide and jason mraz, and just generally more touchy-feely songs than I normally listen to.. no idea why
okay fine I do know why (:
& I'm thankful to have such wonderful friends. I love you guys.
someone I know told me recently that I don't seem to care about friends that much. I don't know, maybe it's because I don't hang out with them all the time, maybe it's because I don't exactly shower loads of attention and care and concern to my friends all the time.
it makes my skin crawl, hearing someone say that about me. it hurts you know, a wholeeee lot. ): honestly I spent an entire night last week crying so much I might as well have dunked my head in a pail of water, my face was so drenched with tears.. how could they say I don't care about my own friends.... what kind of person would I be if I didn't care about my friends? am I really someone who gives that kind of impression?
of course I freaking care. shit. what do you want from me.. to devote all my time and attention to you? to just hang out with the people you hang out with all the time? what is it?! is it all just because I like both sides, because I alternate a lot between them, that makes you feel like I don't care?
why does this even matter, I thought you knew I love you as my friend and that I really do treasure you. I thought you believed that. to think that you've been friends with me all this while, harbouring doubts about how much I care, keeping your own perceptions of how much I care about my friends, it feels like a complete utter lie.
why are you my friend if you doubt that I care? it feels like you've been bullshit-ing me all along, okay, that's exactly how I feel.
so you might not be my best friend. but you're a close friend, one of the people that I care most about in my life. and that's a good enough reason for me to care about you. even if I might not show it a lot. I swear, I honestly swear, that I do, and it hurts that you doubt I care.
omg today was so tiring. -.- stayed in school until 730 to do ohpee rehearsals with victor's group.
anyways.
today was the first time that I watched a movie in school. it was such an annoying experience, actually, because we (kexin me xintian) decided to watch the truman show at first, thinking it'd be really cool. THEN IT TURNED OUT TO BE BORING. DAMN SOPORIFIC! haha so we stopped it, and we changed to another movie.
then we watched this movie about zombies, called fido. supposed to be "hilariously funny", according to the cover. IT'S NOT FUNNY LOR. -.-
and then after that went for op rehearsals.. all the way until 7! I like my script much better now, it's not such a bore to read, and I'm actually talking abit about my own interests in it as well. way more fun now la.
by the time we ended everyone was freaking tired! can tell that everyone was damn shagged, but still I had a pretty good time doing that damn flashcard thing that we decided on as our conclusion. hahaha.
ohyeah I bought mineral water from 7eleven today, it cost 2.40. but I left it behind in a54, -.- nevermind la can get new one tmr. it looks like an alcohol bottle! I swear it's damn fun, I can act like some hardcore idiot bringing alcohol to school hahaha
anyways at around 7 me and kexin went off tgt to walk to bishan mrt. I had to pee, cos you know, my bladder's uncontrollable like that. so we stopped at the raja block toilet.
and on my way out, A LIZARD DROPPED ONTO MY HEAD. I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. A REAL CICAK! I thought it was just my hairtie dropping off (even though it's never done that). something just went plop on my head and I was like what the shit?!
and I looked down and I saw a lizard scuttling near my feet AND I JUST SCREAMED. OHMYGOD. ):
yeah okay momentary freakout over..
ride back home was mostly uneventful, except that I bumped into yanto at the bus interchange and we walked home together. yep. it was nice talking to him, even if it couldn't have been more than 10 minutes. I nearly would've missed him if he hadn't walked right up to me and waved. haha. oh btw, he's my neighbour. :)
argh.. in other news. I admit that I'm actually bothered by something. or rather, someone? mmm no it's not a girl, it's a guy. I don't like like him, but see. that's just it. he's weird. as in. he makes me feel weird. you know? and he's been freaking emo recently and everything and there's just this way that he looks at me which completely freaks me out because... you only stare like that at people you love? okay "love".
and he's my friend lah! dammit! better not be what I think it is. I hope to dear God I'm being delusional and that I'm wrong, pleaseeee let me be wrong. I'd hate for some shitty thing to happen cos. if I'm right, it just will and it'd get ugly. and I don't wanna have to choose between friends. -.-
ahhh. ): sad life. it's okay if you don't get it. not really meant for you to get it anyway. :)
but I LOVE CORBIN BLEU! seriously! if he weren't so gay in hsm I'd have been fangirl-ing about him ages ago
but see I hate HSM, so. yea
I think he's so sexy la. HAHA. really! quite shameless of me to say that but he is! especially when he smiles that smile, and he's got these big big eyes and he's so natural. not like prettyboy zac, whose face just SCREAMS "disney put me here so all the little girls can swoon about how hot I am even when I'm sweating like hell"
fourplay! (: one of two pics I took. the other one's with cheryl kwok!
-
anyway!
YES I'M GOING TURKEY (:
not for one month (not yet!) but just for 10 days first. would be really cool if I got to go for one month though.
I'm leaving on 8th Nov, back in Singapore on 18th. yep. but first day and last day isn't counted because we're spending the whole day on flights to and from singapore. yep.
speaking of which, the flight isn't a direct one, so we'll have to stop at abu dhabi and transfer ): I hope abu dhabi has a nice airport. maybe not as nice as changi airport, cos expecting an airport to be exactly like changi airport is kinda unreasonable since changi's like the best airport in the world or something right.
I just hope there'll be cafes there or something, so I can stuff myself a little before getting on the plane, I hate airplane food! seriously you just don't feel like eating when you're thousands of feet above the ground. ): and airplane food looks like it just came out of the factory. (which... it.. probably did?? where does airplane food come from, anyway.) I don't know why that revolts me so, considering the fact that every plate of normal food is just as generic as the last one, it just grosses me out.
ha shit I'm freaking pampered. -.-
moving on. went for the trip briefing yesterday at suntec. the guy giving the briefing was super funny, he's got this typical singaporean accent.
zero = jilo "so it costs two two jilo dollars, ah, per person ah" (haha no that's not the total cost, just optional tour cost) flight = fright "your fright will leave at 11:25pm, prish report at 9:25 hor"
I can't rmb much else, haha.
four things I'm most excited about..
1. skiing! 2. hot air ballooning! :D (possibly, it's the optional tour) 3. blue mosque 4. ice wall thing (maybe not wall, it's just some huge ice formation thing I think)
something I'm not looking forward to AT ALL.
1. bus trip that's gonna last ONE WHOLE DAY D: (BUTTSORREEEEE. times like these I wish I had a PSP ): )
I wonder what kind of food they have there. FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD! besides kebabs and turkish ice cream, those are the two most commercialized turkish foods haha. OOH I WANT HIBISCUS JUICE! I tried it out in egypt the other time, it's just like ribena, only it's exotic :D and it tastes less artificial.
maybe ribena is secretly hibiscus juice in bottles. O.o scam! :O
half my weekend's been spent shopping for winter clothes. I now have one trenchcoat, one scarf, four pullovers, and longjohns. -.- it better be 5degrees there okay. and I really hope it's gonna be winter there! they have snow! I wanna see snow! that's not of the snowcity variety.. -.-
ohyeah I missed
lastly, I thank Him for being so giving. I feel damn lucky okay. just yesterday I was in a state of ecstasy about hotairballooning and I gushed about it to my cousin, and she told me she was so jealous, cos I'm damn lucky that I go on holidays once every year. that kinda subdued me. I'm just lucky my parents like to travel, and they can afford travelling once a year. ): plus this year I went to UK already! that would make turkey my second trip to Europe, and it's not even in a lifetime, it's in a YEAR!
I am a very very lucky girl. and I have much to be thankful to Him for, even if it might not seem like it a lot of the time. should start thinking about what I have instead what I don't have. :S
and I was already planning to go to Europe for my studies. ha. -.- I should really learn how to count my blessings more. ):
I've heard of shameless mats and ahbengs who ask for random people's numbers on the street.
but I NEVER heard of GROWN MEN shamelessly asking for people's numbers on the street!
I'm not stopping there okay, it happened to me today.
some indo guy who looked like he could probably be fit into my life as the bus uncle in some alternate reality, asked me for my number.
first he asked me how to get to jurong. then he asked how come I can talk in indo. then he asked where I'm going. (I was gonna meet my friend at borders) then he asked if I have a boyfriend. then he asked if he can have my number.
I'm like HUH?! WHY?! I really wasn't expecting it okay, it was so frickin suddennnnn.
he's like since I seem like a nice girl and I don't have a boyfriend, he wants to just berkenal-kenalan. which means he just wants to get to know me. wtfrick?!
I'm like nonononononono. then he said oh that's fine, since I probably wanna focus on my schoolwork.
HAHA. UHHUH. SURE.
I swear I wasn't repulsed at all when he first asked me for directions, but then he started saying weird things and he even told me "you're really cute, I like talking to you." I'm like... ?!?!? "......uh. sure."
he asked what's my age, and I said 17 (though technically that was a lie, but no harm done!) and he replied oh I'm 16! HA. HAHA. HAHAHA. it was a joke lah, but I think I laughed so sarcastically at it cos I wasn't even bothering to hide the extreme discomfort/exasperation/wtf-ness. my brain was screaming SIALAH GILER SIAK ORANG TUA NI?!
at that point, my weirded-outness was going in to overdriveeee, but luckily orchard underpass was coming up and I was like "oh you can get to jurong by mrt. bye!"
and he said he didn't know how to use the underpass so I had to send him right to the doorstep of the orchard mrt first, wahhhhlaos.
and JUST BEFORE HE LEFT. he told me this:
"you're a really kind person to send me off until here, thank you. I've lived in singapore for 10 years so I know how to get around from here. bye."
ALAMAK. you live in singapore 10 years also don't know how to get from orchard to jurong! wahhhhhhhhh GANNNNNASAIIIIII. ): ): ): ):
what a scumbag! hmmmm or should i say.... SCAM BAG. for SCAMMING me. AHH.
life is tough. ): I will probably never want to speak to grown men on the streets in indonesian again. ):
...that's what life does.
it makes you cold.
ooooooo.
k, forget that last part dunno why I said that. the point is, I'm just so scammed right now I could kick myself for being so gullible. ):
--
in other news I watched fourplay last night! quite good, better than the college play, heh. damned funny la. I'm not actually friends with any of them except for cheryl kwok and kexin of course, but I think they all gave wonderful performances. especially titus with the whole "cynthiaaaaaaa" thing and nabil with the asthmatic gasps, and seng henk with the thing about cynthia's boobs hahaha.
suvitha was so convincing as the dumb blonde with the big boobs that everybody falls for. she just spoke in this completely dumbass voice. reminded me of pamela anderson. ha.
ceekay gave a totally unexpected appearance, but the role fit her soooooo well hahaha. me and xin tian were just sniggering away in the audience at her facial expressions. they were so herrr.
KEXIN ACT COOL. HAHA. no la she just had this totally "I think I'm so sexy" look on her face the whole time, it was quite hilarious. she was quite convincing as a guy!
everyone else, I don't really know them, but honestly speaking everybody did a great job, it was damn farnieee.
....kexin says I can't call her bitch anymore, cos she can be a guy when she wants to and guys can't be bitches.
so maybe I'll start calling her fag now since she can alternate between being a guy and a girl so fast, HAHA.
I'm kidding kexin if you read this, I LOVE YOU BITCH. haha. (:
1. I was on my way home, at orchard mrt, and no I wasn't going shopping. of all the bloody things to do. I just finished my tuition, it's near orchard. and I was going up the escalator. you know, the one that leads up to the bus stop behind wisma.
there was this indian lady wearing a dress. which seemed flimsy and you know, billow-able (is there such a word, haha) and just this piece of cloth randomly sewn together. okay I'm being meaner than is needed I'm sorry, you get the point
it just so happens that was a windy day, cos it just stopped raining and the wind was still quite strong. the poor lady was just walking along sms-ing and carrying her bag on her wrist, the way bimbos like to do (haha or not, I like to think they do, it's funnier that way)
got on the escalator.
AND SUDDENLY THERE WAS A GUST OF WIND.
WHOOSH EVERYTHING FLEW UP. INCLUDING HER DRESS. WHAT A FREAKING HORRIBLE TWISTED MARILYN MONROE MOMENT. -.-
seriously! she was soooooo... well-endowed. and I don't mean that in a good way. I'm just trying to be nice, you know? evidently it's not working very well, but whatever!
SHE WASN'T WEARING ANYTHING UNDERNEATH. I SAW EVERYTHING D: D: D: waitago to get traumatised for life, I'll never leave house without wearing shorts underneath a skirt -.-
ohyeah and there was an old mama in front of me on the escalator and he saw everything too, I swear he just stopped what he was doing and STARED. not even bothering to cover up the gaping hole that was his mouth. HAHA.
it's funny but it's sooooo disgusting!
at first I thought I was just imagining things, cos you know the walls along that escalator are lighted nicely too. they were pink, I think, at that moment in time. not that I go orchard and observe the beauty of the lighted walls, but nevermind.
and then I saw something HOT PINK. a flash of hot pink! and I was like oh okay. WAIT. I'm looking UP the escalator now, not at the walls BESIDE the escalator, and aren't those legs attached to the flash of hot pink
not kidding, that was really the thinking process I went through before realizing that the poor lady had unintentionally flashed the whole wide world. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. ):
she was oblivious, prolly she was just like "ooh this dress is really good, suddenly got so much ventilation down there" but the MAMA ah. seriously. damn cikopek ah (I dunno how to spell) tho it's prolly not his fault either. ha.
PINK SLIP (x
2. math is just UGH.
there is no word that is more accurate to describe what math is to me than UGH. three simple letters!
my brain. is slow. okay. I admit it. very slow, actually. I took like dunno how long to do P&C tutorial, and I still can't answer the whole of the last page for the section B! AIYAAAA. it's damn confusing me no like
what's even more frustrating is that during lectures I get most of what's being taught. in fact I catch on quite fast in lectures. it just comes like THAT, like snap, and everything makes wonderful sense. then TUTORIAL COMES ALONG. AND I'M SCREWED.
SO
UGH
3. two people I vaguely remember but just just JUST barely, waved to me today and I am quite freaked out because I really can't remember where I met them ): I wanna slap myself for forgetting. ): they seem like nice people!
4. there's this new dude in tuition class who TOTALLY looks like this guy from school that I think is cute. quite freaky. except his style is completely different. and I think he's jap. cos when he said bye to the teacher he actually bowed! :O
actually I quite admire this new guy. he's intriguing in this mysterious way... he isn't cool by normal standards because he doesn't do things that pass for cool by normal standards, but he just exudes coolness from his very bones, and he doesn't even need to try. and every bit of it is natural, all genuine, nothing fake.
I think it's very cool. he's so cool!
and no, I'm not crushing on him. just don't really meet cool people that much in school HAHAHAHA
..... speaking of school. today was thursday. long day, but strangely my head's not thumping after it all.
pe was tiring but super awesome, 1c girls played floorball against the 1a girls. we finally WON them! at something. hahaha cos apparently 1c is supposed to be damn sporty and damn sucky studies. but for us this year it's just the opposite! we're moderately sporty and relatively better at studies!
hahahaha
oh yeah. and I SCORED TWO GOALS. HA. I think I was possessed. O.o or just plain lucky. hahaha. but floorball is fun lah. tho I might have been a tad violent at times. heh.
during lunch break rushed off to best denki with jonlim and qiwen to buy tape for jonlim's friend's camcorder, which we borrowed to film stuff for pw. we filmed us eating at together at the council canteen, and fastforwarded everything DAMN FUNNY.
DANCING DRAGONS PW(N) HA. HA. (that's our unofficial group name, other than rj260. which btw is my psle score! hahaha)
I feel incredibly blessed right now. like seriously. (: despite all the shit that happened yesterday, and all the shit I’m probably gonna get from my dad for making yesterday’s shit happen, and the fact that I&R is due tmr, and so is P&C tutorial, and that I haven’t actually made up my mind about what to do about this stupid conflict..
I’m just feeling very very thankful that I know such wonderful awesome caring lovely friends. (: blessed because I feel special being loved by so many caring friends and thankful that God’s given me the chance to be part of this lovely circle of awesome people that I love so much. (:
And to you especially, THANK YOU. For all the shit that I made you go through, for all the stuff I said to you that was baseless and just simply so extremely vindictive and accusing, and for making you worry yourself sick that you were intentionally hurting somebody when you really weren’t doing anything of the sort, I just feel incredulously gratified that you’re still willing to be friends with me. I wanna really really really thank you for that, cos in my book, you’re one of the most gracious, forgiving, AWESOME people around. (:
Oh yeah, and also I thank God that you’re far from obnoxious, despite being far from oblivious as well.. haha. I mean I’m extremely lucky that you’ve got good sense and good judgement and a whole lot of humility as well as understanding. I’m sorry I made you feel so bad, I’m sorry I pissed you off, and I’m sorry I made you feel like an ass. You’re not! Wish I could say that to you in real life.
(ohyeah and just to avoid any confusion, the person I’m referring to here is a guy. In school, but not in class. I’m just too chicken to mention his name here, cos we’re not even that close. AIYA. LONG STORY. It’s very complicated, you don’t need to know, don’t understand also nemind)
And for everyone else who told me not to worry, who brightened up my day, my life, my soul even, in some way or another, I LOVE YOU. Thank you guys (:
... a few mental notes to self
1.1. Get driven! Time to be a good girl and stop messing around, and BUCKLE. DOWN. Alevels coming and I must think As instead of Es. WORK MY BUTT OFF, ME!
2. Figure out who you really are
3. Remember, I’m supposed to be forgetting about him, not being all mushy and weakhearted and prone to the little little things that he does. If you can look at ____ and think of him only as a friend, surely you can do that for him as well!
4. BE MATURE. CMON. 5. I’m not hurting him. No way! He’s not saying anything about it so it’s best not to worry for now, forget it!
what an unrestrained post that was. the more I read it the more I get a headache. I mean it was so littered with f-words. they were literally everywhere... gosh. slightly ashamed now, I'm literally shaking my head in front of my laptop
so I must apologize. if I made anyone uncomfortable with the shameless use of the f-words.. I don't really have an excuse for myself, haha. even though I was pissed, I should have been able to restrain myself sufficiently.. ):
mum was pissed. when I told her. maybe it helped that when I told her, I was lying on the sofa in the living room drenching my own face with tears and staining my glasses, I must have looked quite pathetic. haha.
but mum was more pissed that I'm not able to control myself when I'm pissed, rather than being pissed about my losing my phone. and here I must admit with much regret that it's the second time I'm losing my phone.
first time it happened, I lost it at the mosque. and no it wasn't in the lost and found corner. gee I wonder who took it?! ): anyway
mum said she understands that people do stupid things when they're pissed. that she's had to tell her staff off countless times about doing stupid things when they're pissed. that it's not worth it, letting it take over you.
it's a lesson I'm gonna take a longgggg long time to learn. ha. cos well, generally I don't really get pissed off that easily. but when I do get pissed off I can pretty much be either violent and unrestrained (as you can see..) or I just focus so much attention on cooling myself down that I forget to pay attention to not doing brainless things...
funny. the only way I have currently, of restraining myself, is by clencing my fists and fixing my eyes at a certain random spot and concentrating all my attention at it. sort of like giving that spot a death stare. haha. well it works.. sometimes... but I didn't think of doing it yesterday. I just felt like kicking something
anyway. this is such a dodgy topic, it makes me uncomfortable somehow.. :/
if you haven't already figured it out, don't bother with smses or calls, I won't pick up. for obvious reasons.
and I'm contemplating whether I should just deal with using mum's old phone (it's old, but it's not ancientttt. as in it's not a monotone ringtone kinda phone. that would suck.) or save up to buy a new phone, without a contract.
see if I use my mum's old phone, I can use the money to buy myself contacts just like I wanted to since even before this year. ha. if I don't, then no contacts, but new phone.
frankly I'd rather have contacts and an old phone. ain't like I use my phone for anything much other than sms and calls. which means an old phone should be good since I generally only use my phone for basic functional purposes only.
yeah well. dad doesn't know! mum's making me tell him on my own. I'm speechless. literally. how to tell him! I don't know man! all he knows is that. well. I don't wanna mention what he knows, actually. haha.
I swear man today was the worst fucking day of my entire fucking life
I lost my phone I lost (possibly?) a friend I'm losing my mind about what to do
I just finished crying my fucking eyes out and I don't know what I'm gonna tell my mum, that I left my phone in the bus because I got a msg that pissed me off and I didn't even wanna look at it again, and threw it aside because I was so bloody damn pissed
because that's what happened. I WAS SUCH A BLOCKHEAD. and now some fucking idiot's taken my phone and instead of reporting it switched it off, shit, asshole much, I WANT MY PHONE BACK!
what the fuck am I gonna tell my parents, wahlao.
friend of mine managed to piss me off today and then I got so pissed off that when I was trying to cool myself down in the bus I forgot to demuddle-ify my brain and forgot to move my fucking hand to take the fucking phone which was just THERE on the freaking SEAT AHHHHHHHHHH
what the FUCK life sucks dick D: I hate thisssssssssssssssssssssss
WHY AM I SO FRIGGIN DUMB.
WHY CAN'T I PLEASE EVERYONE. SHUT UP DON'T TELL ME IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, I HATE DISAPPOINTING OTHERS OKAY
WHY DOES TODAY SUCK SO FUCKING MUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
promos results are back! k lah. I'm quite relieved I improved overall.. but my marks are still by no means acceptable. haha. dec hols must mug like siao man. aiyo.
got a U for maths! is that any surprise, hmmm. hahaha
whatevs I don't wanna think about it any more. shouldn't look back! full steam ahead... no use moping around! like a friend of mine said, if everyone else is gonna mope around and be emo about their results, be the different one who actually does something about it.
YUP. YEH JY PEOPLE. (:
but you know what the ironic thing about today was? it wasn't until I got home that I started feeling slightly depressed about my marks. cos I was subjected to rigorous questioning by my parents. mum told me in this condescending manner to practice more maths and blabla the usual stuff
wow. parents sure know how to deflate your balloon. okay not that I was actually floating around after getting my results back, but still. I was so focused on the fact that I improved I kinda forgot to be sad that my marks still suck by my parents standards..
I take pleasure in the fact that my friends said my results weren't bad. it's a major comfort, somehow, to know that at least by my world's standards my marks aren't rubbish. I know my parents think my marks are rubbish despite their efforts to look happy that I'm happy I improved.
but it didn't work, they just looked constipated. and just fake la. you can tell when your own parents are just doing something to make you happy right. haha.
well I still love them anyway. (:
results aside... something else happened today, towards the end of the day, that kinda pissed me off. it didn't seem so bad when it happened, I was just annoyed, but then I remembered something similar that happened to me at the start of the year and a few other times over the course of the year.. and I got pissed off, cos obviously if there's a general trend, there's a reason for the trend right...
the reason was the thing that pissed me off. I will only say this: i don't make friends with people just for the sake of being friends. I don't befriend people who are so-called "high-profile" in school or outside of school just because I wanna tompang on their status. yea.
was actually walking around with a damn pissedoff face otw home, I think I looked super stuckup haha. ohwell. then i realized ain't no point being pissed off over it, I shouldn't need to worry what others think when they don't even know me..
so I bought one grande caramel frappe from starbucks, blasted TI's No Matter What on my mp3 at full volume, and started feeling better after that. almost unbreakable, in fact. funny what music and caffeine can do for your soul. haha.
yup. in other news... OP is drawing nearer! and I still haven't turned my oral abilitites (??) around 180 degrees... ): script's due this wednesday and i&R next monday.. I must practice more!
k I've got nothing more to say. except...
I really don't want this to happen again. this old old old feeling is awake again, alive, just barely, deep inside the recesses of my heart. no matter how corny that sounds. it's true. I still automatically hold my breath when I glimpse you. it's unfair. I wish my heart were caged and locked up in its very own cell, then it'd stay where it's supposed to be.
not that I have any feelings for that person right now. I learnt my lesson. I don't trust myself to fall for the right people any more.
just got back from hari raya outing with my batchmates (: YAY it was super fun! i love you all! (:
I had a really great time, I'm sure everyone will agree (: it was just awesome, I've never travelled around in such a big group that a small bus had to be rented just to get us all around, for convenience's sake.
I think bus trips were the hilarious-est ever. haha. yesterday everyone kept screaming okay seriously, hahaha damn funny. I remember i was sitting with some of the girls and someone was commenting on how noisy the boys were, and how the girls should just sit together and then pretend to talk and (just to match the boys' noise level) scream every few minutes, and then pick up the conversation wherever we left off hahaha
today didn't start with a bang, it started with a big fat -______- SIGH hahahaha cos everyone who met at kembangan mrt before going to the first house got lost and went one big circle to reach it. we literally went uphill, then downhill, then walked along the road and then walked inside, turned the wrong way only to find that the house is in the opposite direction LOL
then when we reached the house it was actually very near the second house, which the boys knew how to get to hahaha so it was basically DAMN LAME that we were melting away like nobody's business under the sun when we could have saved so much time and sweat haha.
but I'm so glad I decided to heckcare and wear my normal going out slippers which are actually quite worn already and are definitely not, glamorous in any way at all, in fact it's quite the opposite... it's got no heels, that's all I care about. kalau tak. ADUI. haha
...argh you know my face is burning now for some reason. no, I don't mean I'm blushing, I mean it stings something bad. itchy. I don't know why! probably gonna grow a pimple between my eyes tomorrow. and my neck itches like crazy too. aiyoyo
man that was frigging random.
alaa. must upload pictures ah. malas sia. anyways it isn't like I took a lot of pictures.. not as much as others did anyway. can I be spared? :D aiya no la. gonna upload now. lerr. comp better not lag....
but anyway YES.
YESTERDAY AND TODAY, WERE AWESOME :D i love my batchmates. (:
p/s khaliq kau betul2 takder keje lain ehh. go find someone else to pester lahh youuu I malas nak layan :)
at first I bought the red bag, the side carry one that I carry everywhere with me now. I love it, and I think it's really me, but apparently it's bimbotic. ):
okay that's not so bad! cos you know, it just makes me LOOK like a bimbo. doesn't mean I have to care what I look like, right. and then NOW
I'm suddenly like doing a lot of bimbotic hand actions. okay la just the one, but I keep doing it again and again.
just like picture an auntie, like you know the pck's wife rosie, that kind of auntie, saying "AIYA, NEMIND LAH" and then doing the hand action. there's a specific hand action they always do to that line right! the one that's like swatting a fly, but instead of going from left to right to shoo the fly away from you, you're moving your hand from up to down like you wanna the fly to be squashed onto the floor.
AIYA. basically it's just a bimbotic thing to do la, k?
scary shit.
I AM NO BIMBO. far from it, in fact... and I don't wish to be one either :D
anyways.
I realize I'm quite headstrong. I like myself a lot and I don't wanna change for anyone. sometimes not even when people that I love and treasure and respect in my life, tell me there's some parts of me that are bad, that I need to change. haha. it's just that most of the time when I decide I do wanna change, it's of my own accord, I'm not really concerned about people's opinions of me? ya. the only people whom I will change for are my family. my parents, my brother maybe not so (hahaha), my cousins...
cos I only seriously care about the kind of person I appear to be to others, when my cousins, or my parents, or my brother, tell me I need to change. basically we accept one another, weaknesses and all, but we don't tell each other to change unless it's absolutely necessary.
yea. wow you know I realize that the only reason that I know all this about my family is because of hari raya.
yea I know it sounds lame, but seriously. we were all walking around as one big group, and you really feel like you can never go astray when you just stand back and you watch the whole lively scene unfolding before you.
your cousins, the ones you've seen grow up, the ones who saw you grow up, your aunts and uncles, the ones who are always looking out for you no matter what, your parents especially... the ones who've even made your very existence possible.
everyone was joking around and poking fun at one another and stuff (that's quite normal for my family even on normal days) and I just stood where I was for a while, to watch everyone, and you really feel immersed in love, no matter how corny that sounds.
it's like you know that even if your life somehow went horribly horribly horribly wrong, like you screwed up your career majorly, you're down in the dumps, the sorriest state you have ever ever been, you could still get strength from these people cos they'll love you no matter what!
I really love my family. (:
...ohyea, went for lawsoc today, actually I think it's quite interesting. I went there thinking it'd be boring cos well, of all the people I know who went for the previous session(s?), they all said it's boring. but it's not. well not today's one anyway.
we did the oj simpson murder case. debate-style. only this time instead of errr props and opps we had prosecutors and defendants. cool stuff.
today me and polly went to raffles city to read FHM and Men's Health. :D
after which I decided that I like gay songs and gay things, but that I don't necessarily like gay people.
HA. that would be an incredibly brief account of what happened today. haha. let's go onebyone.
OP... I really don't wanna talk about this. sucked like hell. nothing else to say. -.-
after OP went to slack in the canteen with the girls, but gradually everyone just started going home or going someplace else, and only me and yuhan and polly were left. I swear we talked about everything from lizards to britney spears okay hahaha.
then had some fun trying to catch a random huge-ass spider that was jumping around near my bag. it was damn big man! I wanted to be all brave and squish it inside a tissue but I chickened, cos I was scared it jumped out at me I mean hey spiders can do that!
in the end it started jumping around when raphael tried to squish it and it was fun actually, cos it was just jumping around and polly ran off and yuhan was squealing away in the background, I thought it was just a very comical scene. (:
and here i was having a moral debate about whether to kill it or not. but then it got nearer to me and yuhan was screaming "Kill it!" and I pictured it jumping my bag, like NONONO. so then I stamped on it and it was literally squished out on the sole of my shoe. -.-
had to go wash it off after that, quite stupid actually, but it was fun la, lol.
after that got bored of school so me and polly left to go raffles city and.. like that lah. we wanted to go MPH to look for pride and prejudice, and then we ended up checking out FHM and attempting to check out Men's Health. haha. attempting, because it was wrapped up in plastic. ARGH.
just to save polly's skin, it was my idea, btw. to leaf through FHM. wah really got a lot of hot girls every few pages ah! I wonder if playboy's like that. maybe it's even worse. who cares.
and it was my idea too to leaf through Men's Health. yea you know, cos like, I just loveeeee tight abs. like seriously. they're damn hot.
HA. no la.. I can't look at abs and think, "sexy". seriously. I can't. yes quynh anh, if you ever read this, I know you'll laugh. BUT REALLY LA.
I just think they're a mark of good health hahaha no seriously. I know how lame that sounds, but really really. I just wanted to see what the whole preoccupation about tight abs and tight asses and tight whatevers really are. I can't tell if a guy's sexy, you know. to me, sexy's a vibe and not a physical condition. haha.
okay enough about that. I got a big huge headache after walking around so much in the basement.
then we went off to the esplanade rooftop. had a good time talking with polly about life. as in, you know, our own ideas about life, love, people in general.. stuff like that. and if you're like wenqiang, whom I think would think that we would gossip about hot guys all the time, you're seriously misguided. haha. we only mentioned hot guys once!
quite a nice thing, I must say. it was an appropriate setting and all. who cares if we were surrounded by couples, we just sat and did our own thing, which apparently, entails discussing life, love and everything else in between. talking about stuff like that actually made things a lot clearer for me in terms of beliefs and opinions. it's good, cos I don't usually talk about this kind of stuff with people. yea.
like, I realized how much I want to go turkey for that one month that my dad suggested. cos see the more I stared at the city landscape and the cars and the trucks all passing across the highway, the more I realized that Singapore is actually extremely boring after a while, even though it's one of the safest places in the world to live in. it just gets extremely repetitive and just so structured.
so before I fully settle down with a job and have kids and stuff I really wanna be able to see the world. I already see the world in that I've been travelling overseas at least once every year since secone. especially this year, got to see the UK! and I've been to egypt as well. but I just feel like there's so much more to see. I wouldn't even mind going to south africa, aside from the usual desire to go europe..
but for all my talk it's highly impractical that dad would actually have the money to do that, so if this turkey thing could be a shot at a glimpse of the real thing for me. I mean it's probably the closest to the real thing that I'm gonna get at least as far as the NOW is concerned. so I really really want it.
yup... oh yea I found a present for my friend! :D it isn't his birthday or anything but I just thought of him immediately when I saw it, cos it's just very him, shall I say.. haha. but the thing is that I'm not really very close to him. I mean we do talk, but not a lot. so you know, if I give sth to him it's gonna look slightly weird, like I crush him or something, which I don't!
sometimes I wish things wouldn't be awkward around boys and girls. life would just be simpler..
but then it wouldn't be as interesting would it? (:
ps. OH WOW I JUST HAD A DREAM WHILE I WAS STILL HALF AWAKE COOL BEANSSSS.
and I think I stink now. my hair probably stinks as well, and it itches something bad. but I have to write this down first.
did the personality test MBTI thing today and I guessed my personality type correctly! :D guess superficially I know what my personality is like. as in I know what my preferences are and stuff, and I know how what kind of person I am as far as the kind of person I am within society, is concerned. (did that make sense?? O.o)
but what I mean is that I wanna know what kinda values I hold dearly to my heart. I mean everyone holds a specific set of values, could be similar or dissimilar. but I don't know what mine are, and want to know. yea. I'm talking about the values that will prevail when the time comes for them to make themselves apparent.
anyway I'm an ENFP! there's a buncha girls in class with the same type as me. yay(: polly says it's very accurate. woohoo. :D
but the BEST part! is that I'm actually WIRED, like NATURALLY WIRED, for a career in either creative writing (which I used to be quite good at, don't know about now cos I've not done creative writing since hmmmm rg days? haha) OR OR OR!
PSYCHOLOGY.
YEA MAN. MY DREAM JOB. WOO. SEE I'M SMART. I CHOSE WELL. DAD SAYS I'M LIMITING MYSELF TOO EARLY BUT I'M DETERMINED TO STICK WITH MY DECISION. WHAT'S HE GONNA DO, FORCE ME TO TAKE SOMETHING ELSE IN UNI?
okay yea enough with the caps.
I was so freaking ecstatic la, you know how many times people have made me doubt if I'm really made for a career in it? now I know I'm even naturally wired for it! and NOW THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD THAT CAN MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND. (:
okay so what a pointless entry. I'm gg off now, gotta go MEMORIZE MY PW script COS ********* is SO ******* like ****** I fricking ***** reallly realllly reallllyyy ****** ****** ***** hate NA............BEEEEHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY
p/s. smiles really do make the world go round. never noticed how meaningful a simple smile could be, even if it's from someone who's just an acquaintance. it means the world if that person's wholly genuine. (: woo!
I don't really have much to blog about anyway so this is gonna be an empty post (not like my usual ones aren't full of crap either, but..)
well okay it's not gonna be empty, I'm just gonna talk about something that only I will understand, lol cos it's the only way I can get my thoughts organized and make it all make sense O.o I can't just sit and stare into space and think, the way some people can. it hurts my brain, for one thing (yea, don't laugh -.-) and I just get distracted very easily.
anyway!
well I realize that I don't really have a clear idea of the kind of person that I am. right now it's just a lot of possibilities of the kind of person I can be, because ultimately it's your choice who you wanna be and no one can stop you from being who you are.
but the thing is that I don't even know who I am really. someone told me once before that I'm different because I do my own thing, I don't blindly follow what other people do. I don't know how much truth there is in that statement.. after all I can't completely know what other people think of me. but I know that it is quite stupid to do something to satisfy other people.
actually come to think of it, I'm always "just different" (I quote). but no one says why, or how, or in what way. if it's really true, I guess I could say I'm proud of myself, but what I really wish I could do is either to get someone's honestestest opinion of me, or to just sort of see myself in the third person. that would rock, to be able to tell the kind of person I am without any inhibitions, or denial even.
sometimes I've got too much pride to want to acknowledge my own weaknesses. very bad.
there's the thing about being your own worst enemy. in a good way. if you really put your mind to it, you can be your own worst critic. corny as it may sound, it was actually something I picked up from an interview with taufik (batisah, yea, the singapore idol lol) a long time ago. he said he's his own worst critic. which I thought was quite cool because, generally back then, I thought no one had an ego that was small enough to allow themselves to be their own worst critic. guess I was just jaded. lol.
maybe I just haven't been faced with enough adversity for the real me to come out. I mean I'm talking about the no-holds-barred, raw, version of me. the one that would come out when times get rough. I wish I could just know the kind of person I am, the kind of principles I adhere to. it's not easy is it? figuring that part out about yourself unless the need truly arises for you to show how principled you are...
but you don't really need adversity to come knocking on your door before you can figure out the kind of person you are. do you? .....
I mean really, if you live a life that is too pampered, so assured and stable that adversity doesn't even figure as a real english word in your dictionary, then you tend to just take things for granted, don't you? like everything will always be there for you and this is the way your life will always be, because you've never known any other life.
I want to know the kind of person that I am! but I don't know how to. much as I would like to, I can't just dive deep into the depths of my soul and study myself from the inside, like I said, I've got too much pride to do that. I'll just deny everything when I come to a conclusion.
sigh.
then again, all it takes is determination. I should try, really try, to make myself be my own worst judge and just unleash the worst critic of myself that I've ever had: myself. but of course it's gonna be hard. but I will just try. God willing I'll know by the time JC life ends.
I'm bursting with happiness! I think it showed today. just felt different, I'm just kind of more excited inside, somehow, I don't really have a reason why, I just am!
damn bubbly today when I came to school, said hi to people I don't usually say hi to, and someone asked me why so happy, I can't remember who. you know I should do this more often. I really get a lot more smiles this way. haha. ^^!
ohyea I'm in love again. wahaha. with a second cousin, no less. :P no la but really I'm simply quite taken by him. for one, he's really nice and he's really kind, and he's responsible, and he's caring, and he's uproariously funny, but he knows where to draw the line. ohyea and he's completely hot. (: and he's really good at playing drums, he had a performance at the hyatt yesterday! :O
yea well, I just really really respect him, ain't really that I'm in love with him, he is my relative, after all... even if he's my 2nd cousin and not my direct cousin. that would be even worse, though, falling for a cousin. hmmm.
anyway more importantly! I still am quite amazed by how incredibly different everything looks through this brand new perspectives. I just appreciate things a lot more and accept things the way they are more easily.
erm like rj, for one. rj is way better than rg was and will ever be, but still, the kind of kids (kids uh, pdhl umur da 17 thn hurhur) who go to rj aren't really the kind of kids that I really enjoy myself the most with. I find that I enjoy myself the most when I'm with people like kamarul and asyraf and khaliq and firdaus and fidy and maya.
haha there's a lot more to this matter than what I'm saying here, but it's a much too sensitive topic to go into deeply here. that's what I think.
anyway it really doesn't matter. (: they're all people. just that they're different. but they still shine in their own specific ways. which is more than enough of a reason to forget the differences and just stop moping around that there aren't more people like kamarul in rj.
if I'd ever hated you or even looked down upon you, trust me, you would've known alright? I don' t bother to keep my feelings hidden when I don't like someone, cos I've probably got good reason not to like that someone..
you should've known I would've gotten pissed at something like that! of all the places to do that to me you chose the friggin mosque, dude isn't there something a little bit wrong with that picture?
and NO, I don't hate you just because of that. to be honest I always thought you were an honest guy, with noble intentions, and I really respected you. I still do, actually. so naturally when you just sat in the background smirking while your friend went all out to do whatever he did I just got ticked off. what happened to the nice guy, did he just get carried away by all his friends?
guess I'm in the wrong too for expecting you to be so completely perfect. but you really are one of the most goodhearted people I know and I really really really respect people like that. guess I got too carried away with that image I have of you too, so I'm sorry.
that one little blemish in your personality got me ticked off at first cos I didn't expect it at all so it was like a rude shock. but comeon, I'm not gonna hold it against you forever. I've got better things to do than hold grudges against people for one-off mistakes. wish you'd see that.
I've actually got a lot of respect for you, and I'm even actually a little bit in awe by you, cos you're a better person I am, when it comes down to the crunch, and when I think of the kind of person I want to change myself into, I think of you. you really have my respect. (:
haha I just saw my face in the rj newsletter haha damn ugly ):
cfm I'm going to turkey! :D well at least for 10days, with my family. dad says the thing about my attachment to a turkish family for an entire month in december is still on hold, cos he's not sure if he's found a suitable family or not.
I hope he does! I have this rosy picture of staying there like it's all fun and games, but I have this funny feeling that it won't just be about having fun.. ohwell I'll just go with the fun and games aspect of it, cos if I get too pumped up for a life-changing experience, chances are, it won't happen.
ain't that right? when you expect something to happen, it doesn't. when you least expect it to happen it jumps you like a homesick puppy: with lost abandon haha.
anyhows one of the first things dad told me about going to turkey was that there's a lot of hot guys. haha. gee dad knows me so well... hahaha no la I'm kidding. a little bit. I mean I know two turkish guys, one based in singapore and another based in turkey, and they're both smoldering hot, but they've just got this dao look, so I don't know.
more importantly I saw an ad about turkey plastered all over bus no 700 on the way home yesterday and it looks mighty interesting I want to go! apparently it'll be winter by the time we touch down and there'll be SNOW. effing snow! none of the crumbly icecube nonsense that you get at snowcity that looks like they just took all the leftover ice from the fishmongers at the marketplace and dumped it all over the place, but REAL SNOW!
well not that I would know if real snow wouldn't look like the snowcity variety either, but I'm just naturally inclined to believe everything Singapore tries to imitate is farcical and nonsensical no matter how impressive the feat in itself is..
I'm most probably leaving either 7th or 8th nov. I hope it's 8th, cos class chalet is 5th to 7th (I think) and if possible I wanna have the best of both worlds. both turkey and 1C! I don't wanna miss my class chalet and I also obviously don't wanna give up turkey..
well hope for the best!
got back from chan bruddddderrs travel and soon after my house was swarmed by relatives. you know, hari raya. haha. this particular bunch who came today, I haven't seen in like three years, man. people can grow up a lot in three years, and I've got this nephew who's a year older than me! far outttt, yo. he's really nice and he's really goodnatured and just generally a nice person to talk to.
I don't remember him being quite as easy to talk to last time I guess three years is enough to break out of your shell haha. but it's cool, you know, we were laughing at his cousin playing guitar hero, and he sucked and he made loads of funny comments.
just nice to hang out with a new person from time to time, you know! and especially when the other person is equally willing to kick back and just get to know you better and is just naturally goodnatured. I think his name was kamarul. he tried to salam me but it was soooo weird he's older than me! so he wanted to kiss my hand as per normal (that's what you're supposed to do to people who are older than you, or in terms of familial rank) and I was like errrrr haha no. then I just withdrew my hand and he just stopped in midsalam and then he smiled and went like "haha okayy."
made me realize I've been itching to hang out with new people lately. that is, new people who are goodnatured and nice generally, and easy to hang out and talk with. just wanna get to know more people! ((:
another thing.. you know it's not like I've never heard of people in Singapore who are constantly beleagured (spelling?) by problems but. I just never came into direct contact with any of them.. again made me realize that life is fragile and that He could just take everything away if He wanted to. nothing is yours, after all. it's all His in the end.
my parents were telling stories to my relatives just now and I was sitting there after everyone was done eating (there was a mad rush for the chicken nuggets okay I'm so glad I went to ntuc to buy them before everyone came hahaha)
apparently during the fasting month they picked up this old lady who lives in oneroom flat in queenstown, I think, which is apparently a little of a ghetto neighbourhood. she lives alone cos her husband died 5 years ago and she has nine children but none of them are willing to take care of her. she sells nasi lemak at the queenstown mrt sometimes, illegally, for food, gets 70bucks a day and is regularly chased away by NEA officers I think... but they don't have the heart to do anything more than keep chasing her away, cos she can't get money if not!
she appeared on telly the other day, crying because she's sad that her children don't care. they don't even give her money. and then when she appeared on tv they had the cheek to tell her off. she told them to just build a cement grave for her when she dies, nothing fancy, not even her name there, because they obviously don't care about her while she's alive so it's no use giving her a huge nice grave when she dies. )))):
and you know what striked me the most, my parents asked her why she didn't just apply for a support from muis cos she's obviously eligible for it, and she said "well, there are people who need that money more than I do". like wow, she can really still be so thoughtful and so rooted and so principled even in the face of such adversity, I really really really salute her even if I've never met her in my entire life.
again I question if I'd be able to do the same if I were in her shoes. I probably would never forgive my children and I would probably just apply for financial support straightaway from any willing organisation, after like three months of living like that..
and you know why I didn't go with my parents? COS I WAS DOING MATH. FRIGGIN MATH, OF ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD, LIKE I'M JUST TOO IMPORTANT TO WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE THIS OLD LADY WTF. why should I care how well I've implanted math concepts into my head when I could just as well be learning something way more fulfilling and way more meaningful just by meeting this lady? geez. -.-
I want to help, you know? in some way, even if I'm only 17 and I don't even have a job yet or never even had one. I just wanna know I'm not just delving into my studies and smothering my face with notes and annoying little details, when people in my immediate surroundings are struggling to get through life. it isn't like I'm sailing through JC life, in fact I'm struggling with some of my subjects, but it's still different.
having difficulty saying this. but it's just.. there comes a point when you wonder why you're even still chasing that dream job when other people can't even pay their own damn bills.
but it's just like mum said. there aren't many educated Malays around and most Malays make up the working class and maybe the lower middle class. I don't really know how much truth there is in that statement, but if I'm one of the Malays that actually can get a privileged education and a good job and a good pay, then I should actually be one of the few Malays around who gets a good pay.
after all it's only the very affluent members of society who actually have the extensive financial resources to help out, reach out as much as they can. I can reach out when I grow up, do more concrete things for the needy than most other can, so I must.
scary talking like this, I'm placing so much faith in myself that I'll be successful in my chosen profession, and now it makes me kinda have a responsibility to be successful, which is rather daunting. I need to be loaded when I grow up, so I can spread the money around to those who need it. there's that nagging doubt that I can actually do that.
but I'll just have faith in myself and control that voice that says I can't do it. cos now I must. and if I believe I can, I will. and then that voice won't have any power.
..... wooo this is some soul-searching stuff, yo, never set out to do any soul-searching when I decided to blog tonite, but you never know what you're gonna get.
wouldn't it be ironic if one day there was a prostitute who got into an argument with a guy, and she got really pissed off. imagine the conversation that would pass!
prosty: don't give me that bullshit, you asshole! man: oh yeah? whatcha gonna do about it huh? prosty: YOU WANNA F*CK WITH ME?! man: .....for that bod, I'll give you 500 for three hours
HAHAHAHA. I don't care, it's funny okay 8D
...hm. maybe I am the sickest person in class. X_X ha okay I don't really care heehee
--
so all messing about aside, I actually did something productive today. well not really productive, but it was nonetheless important.
so today I woke up at 10am, and I was like "I should do something more productive." Solution: WATCH DVD! hahaha no lah I didn't really think of doing anything productive, I just wanted to do something that didn't involve playing games, xbox or otherwise.
[edit: I put up the trailer in the video section of my blog, go check it out if you want]
so I watched this movie called the city of god. it's about gangsterism in rio de janeiro in the sixties up to the seventies, if I'm not wrong. it's got the three must-have elements of all gangster movies, I guess: sex, drugs, guns. but I think the most important thing is that it's not just about showcasing men at their most base, vile, conditions as far as morality is concerned.
it's just riveting because besides those three elements, it makes you question how far even the most morally upright human beings would go to protect their own, if they were pushed to the breaking point. would he allow himself to be completely buoyed by hate and revenge and consequently get swallowed whole by the sin of gangsterism?
I cried twice during the movie, once when a kid got shot in the foot and he was bawling his eyes out, and the second time when the big gangster boss' best friend and second-in-command (sidekick?) who's probably the only hoodlum in the entire movie who does his best to carry out operations without killing anyone.
it's absolutely touching you know, because the grip of gangsterism is so tight over the city of god (that's the city's name, ironically enough) that even the kids, from as young as maybe four or five years old, get roped in. the sad part is watching them get excited when they're given loaded guns. which is something that should never be done to kids.
the fact that the kids think that snorting cocaine, killing people and dealing drugs makes them a man isn't that surprising because it's present even in delinquents in the first world. but there's this one kid who feels so vengeful about his father's death that he actually puts up this innocent kid front just to get to the man who murdered his father.
it's amazing that he'd go to such extreme lengths just to kill a man. don't even talk about the concept of forgiveness, in the city of god the only language they understand is the language of cold-blooded murder. it's gotta make you wonder if the kid's just screwed up, or if the kid wasn't actually screwed up but just got screwed up after his father was shot, or if he even came up with the plan because he was encouraged by his environment, where everything passes off as an excuses to wield a gun and either pick a fight or shoot somebody.
I could just go on about it forever, but the thing is that I don't think you wanna listen. ha. so mainly the thing that fascinated me the most about the movie is the concept of the fragility of life. seriously. in the city of god, you just turn a corner and you could get shot, nobody cares if you haven't committed a sin in your entire life. and the cops just go around incarcerating innocent people cos they know they can't do anything about the real hoodlums so putting some random bums in jail who look like they're slightly dangerous gives them a sense of accomplishment, as though they haven't completely fulfilled their purpose as upholders of justice and law.
pick any first-world country (with the exception of harlem in america?) and the idea that you aren't safe the moment you step out of your door scares everybody shitless. it's a completely inhumane, inconceivable concept to most of us.
but think about how different your life could have turned out if you were born in a place like the city of god. pretty far-fetched, and maybe even lame, the first time you think about it, but honestly it's by God's will that we were lucky enough to be born into a safe environment. if He'd wanted to He could have just made us be born in a living hell. then what would you do?
it's only by trying to imagine what life in a hellhole like the city of god would be like that you realize how sheltered you are. how lucky you are that you don't have to worry about getting killed by a stray bullet or worse, being betrayed by one of your friends who's desperate for more drugs and would do anything to get them.
and honestly honestly speaking I really cannot imagine that. it's a completely isolated concept for me, to hear gunshots every night, waking up the next morning to some horrible piece of news that my neighbour got killed in a drive-by shooting. life just wouldn't BE life if I lived in a place like that! I dunno what it would be.
times like this you go here I am whining about how horribly awful my grades are and then aspiring to a certain profession when I grow up, it's almost as though I couldn't care less that life for some kid halfway across the world is utter hell.
I can't help being so so thankful for the life that I have now. incredibly awesomely completely totally grateful. praise be to God. (:
LET'S GET CRUNK 8D hahaha how gay is this song man haha I used to love it as a kid but now it's just extremely hilarious. SHAKE YOUR TAILFEATHERRRRRR
you know so many boys like to act gay, taking gay pics and camwhoring like nobody's business and giving each other kinky comments on friendster or facebook or whatever, but you know they're mostly all fake in the end. but then ah
there's a few people I know who would love gaying around to this song if they got like really drunk or really high or something hahaha I'm picturing it right now damn hilarious and just because I like to irritate people, I'ma name them right here
1. KHALIQ
hahaha dude I know you'll never get drunk enough to do something as hilarious as this, in fact I know you'll never ever get drunk even, hahaha but it's just impossible to stop the laughs when I picture you saying "BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM" you freaking retard hahaha
2. SILLY!
since you like to say "hey" so much I'm sure you're gonna get all fired up when you read this. er if you read this. hopefully you do. I wanna pick a fight with you sia! hahaha 8D
you know what I chicken out. everyone else is from school, later people read this thing I'll be served up on a plate for dinner! or something along the lines of that hahaha (so much for picking a fight uh)
..qiwen says I'm the sickest person in class, even sicker than most of the guys HAHAHA no wayyyyy mannnnn I'm SO NOT THE SICKEST IN CLASS K. I'm probably just more vocal about being sick then everyone else.
heeheehee.
man you know what (I should really stop saying that, along with "anyway". fillers!) I think, nonono I KNOW, that my immune system really really really sucks. honestly! it's horribleeee I thought I was being all mighty (get it! ALMIGHTY HAHAHA) by walking in the rain yesterday, it wasn't even rain, it was a light drizzle!
I just walked for 10 minutes in the rain and I'm SICK. WTF. with a 38.3 temperature, no less. okay that's probably not so bad, at least it ain't 40. but yea it hurts you know! I woke up this morning and somebody might as well have stuck my head under a car crusher I fell back into bed right away, it took me a good 15 minutes to even raise myself to sit upright in bed. what the shit
it's not so bad now but then now my neck hurts I can't even look at my feet without making my head swim. it feels like my brain's this glob of goo inside my head and it's flubber (you know that movie!) except more squishy and more gross, cos it's grey and that every time I look down it's like someone put my brain in a blender and turned it on.
SHEESH.
I should really eat more veggies... and drink more milk! and just exercise more... maybe I should grow abs instead of pretending to grow them everytime I laugh hahaha (doesn't it feel like you grow abs when you laugh too hard! it hurts doesn't it! but it just feels so tight right!)
...YEAH RIGHT. as if I'm ever gonna listen to what the health pros say I like me just fine. correction: I like my 2.4km timing just fine. PASS OKAY READY LA. it's not like I'm some uberpro national athelete or whatever right heeheehee I'm quite a slob la actually.
hahaha gosh this is kinda funny. haha. I intended to blog about it last night, but dad was hogging my laptop for his work so whatevs.
yesterday on my way back home it started raining really heavily, like super heavily, with lightning and thunder that were like one second apart. luckily I was at bukit panjang plaza while it started raining so I didn't get drenched or electrocuted and what not. mum told me to stick it out at the mall until the rain stopped cos she said it was dangerous for me even with an umbrella.
so I did. and I spent my time reading reader's digest in the library.. THEN I got bored! so I got up and started walking aimlessly around, and since it's bukit panjang plaza here and not I dunno, far east plaza, there's really not much to do if it's raining. and I couldn't possibly go to the arcade since I was in school u. and I'd look weird flipping through the file of xbox games in the gameshop.
so I went down to the basement and got myself a chicken and mushroom curryo' from oldchangkee! it's really good btw you should try it.
then I finished it and then I went into NTUC for lack of anything better to do. I ended up in front of the perfumes rack staring at all the different perfumes and I started spraying everything on my hands. haha even the guys' ones, cos I always thought guys' perfumes are really cool. erh the good ones, that make you smell like something out of a james bond movie hahaha
I ended up with the entire range of impulse perfumes that was on sale all over my hands and my arms were scented up with guys' perfumes, can't remember what their names were. I smelled reaaaaaaally funny hahahahaha. it was cool you know, cos I met my friend on the way home after the rain had stopped and then he walked home with me and he went "honestly, you smell awful in this awesome way" what the hell is that ahhahaha
yeah well. cheap thrill. hahaha. guess I'll never do that again. O.o
I got back home and at night I had a really weird dream! okay, more like a fantasy than a dream, cos it involved my crush. yeah well I've got a billion crushes and when I say crush it just means I think he's cute and funny, that's all.
this guy, he's really really tall. and he's not even asian bwahaha. if you know me well enough you should probably be able to figure out who he is la, lol. if not, sucks to you :P
I dreamt that I was in this vast expanse of endless white. seriously like no walls no floor no ceiling no nothing, just white! and then there was me and a group of girls and a group of guys sitting apart from each other and then I was playing the goddamn piano and everyone was half paying attention and half talking amongst themselves.
and then suddenly the dude comes up to the piano and slides down onto the piano seat right next to me and because the piano seat is so freaking small and he's so damn big (as in really proportionally big and not horizontally big O.o) we were squeezing together on the piano chair and miraculously I could still continue playing without a hitch.
inside, I was practically hyperventilating though in my dream. hahaha. and then he suddenly had this uber-cute accent and he started talking to me "my name is ___ and I think you're really good at playing the piano" and then suddenly the piano dissolved and everything dissolved and it was just us two walking down some random street like we were already some couple lah hhahhahaa
LOL I told you it was a fantasy. HAHA. nothing in the dream is to be taken seriously though, if you haven't figured that out. I do think he's cute and funny but I doubt I'll ever think much more of him haha damn that feels mean saying that. but yeah you know how it goes..
you know I just figured out yesterday that my taste in guys is really eclectic. hahaha. it's quite inconsistent hahaha. but mostly I like guys that other people won't even think twice about liking. it's weird but it's cool!
like with the first guy that I honestly had feelings for, when I told polly she was like "huhhhh why?!" and then yesterday I pointed out someone who I thought is cute to polly and she's like "ewww not at all?! okay lah he's pleasant-looking but he's definitely not cute!"
the first guy that I crushed on was hot, but it was more the way he carried himself than anything else haha that's still a compliment isn't it? then the second errrrrhhh was. let's see. he wasn't "hot" but he was, okay is, I think, just nice to look at haha O.o fine he was handsome alright! I just have trouble saying that, it's much easier to say that a guy's hot and not handsome. it's different ain't it.
anyway. the third guy was completely different from second, as far as personality goes, and the fourth guy is quite similar to me, again in terms of personality, and he was cute in this kinda quiet gawky way I dunno, he was just CUTE alright?!
freaking superficial hahaha. yeah but I guess the common thread is that after the first guy everyone that I had feelings for, I didn't simply have feelings for cos they were cute. it helped, I mean that was why I noticed them at first, with the exception of the second dude. but after a while it just ceased to matter. I mean a guy can be really cute and really hot but if he's not your type then he's not your type, right? RIGHT! so we move on.
lol I am so not helping myself here. apparently people already think I'm like this girl who goes through guys like I go through underwear. haha which sucks at first, cos which girl wants to be known as that kind of girl? but honestly after I while I decided I couldn't care less.
I mean people can think what they want if it's that image which makes guys distance themselves from me then fine, but this is something that I've been doing since forever, and I'm not just talking about since I developed the unstoppable raging hormones syndrome that just seems to afflict some more than others O.o lol
I know who I really am and to me that's good enough. if a dude wants to see me that way let him do it, there'll be someone somewhere who can just get over himself and have absolute trust in me that I'll be faithful. and trust me when I find it worth doing, the only person that will ever get through to my heart is that one dude and noone else can ever steal my heart away.
I've been having feelings for the same dude for close to 8 months now, I don't think he really cares though. and I've been having the resolve to get over him for let's see, two months already? not that it's not working, it's just not working fast enough.
yeah. ohwell. life goes on (:
I read an interview that angelina jolie did for reader's digest and I was struck by this last question.
RD: You said you wanted a partner who would urge you to be better. Does Brad do that?
Jolie: He encourages the right things. If I've had a full day and just really been a hands-on mom, he'll make a point to let me know that's something he's proud of. If I'm writing an Op-Ed, he's the first person to want to read the drafts. I could be dressed up in the sexiest outfit for a photo shoot, and by his behavior, he'll let me know that's nice, but it's nothing as sexy as when I'm home surrounded by the kids or reading books, educating myself. He slows me down to kind of get it right, to relax into the strength of my family and the love.
HOW FRICKIN SWEET IS THAT! i don't have the slightest idea what the hell an "Op-Ed" is, but the sexy part is really cooollllll.. I never thought of brad as someone that wasn't superficial. he just looks like he's all about the babes and the boobs and the butt and whatever doesn't he? wow I WANT A GUY LIKE THAT! no as in not someone who looks like brad pitt, and definitely not someone who only sees butts and boobs and I dunno spends five hours reading FHM or something, just somebody who brings out the best in me and who can see me as sexy even when my hair's frizzier and more explosive than albert einstein's, and I stink a thousand different ways, my tshirt says "barney the dinosaur is my friend" and my pants are..well, gross. that would be really cool. (: (: (:
yeah okay wow how long is this post huh hahaha geez alright I better go bye
if you've been living under a rock and haven't seen the eagle eye trailer, there you go. it's a freaking awesome movie and I think EVERYONE should go watch it! it's so awesome lah! went to watch it with polly just now and ohman it's really very very good. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat throughout lah. really!
PLUS it's got shia labeouf (spelling? O.o) as the lead! shia's really cool and I really like him, he's not cute at all but he's just a really good actor and he's real, you know. he doesn't need to be cute to be popular. (:
but there's this one part of the movie where he's crying cos someone died and his bottom lip was shaking and it was so cute! hahaha like small kid I-wanna-pinch-your-cheeks kinda cute. lol. yeah well. he's not cute like let's say patrick dempsey cute or or what's that onetreehill guy's name?? ah chad michael murray! (note: I don't think he's cute but apparently a lot of people do so okay whatevs)
the only cute actor I can think of right now is christopher gorham. I can't think of any more. brad pitt is overrated btw haha. and ben affleck just looks sleepy all the time.. anddd this is not worth my time. -.- oh but I think that dude who's acting in twilight is cute too!
moving on. see lah hormones. TSK.
you know I think I should smile more. I feel like I've been frowning a lot more than smiling lately. either frowning or stoning. I mean I've just got no mood to smile, you know? it's fine laughing with my friends and smiling at everyone's stupidity but it's another thing to feel the smile from inside.
I just feel like I haven't been nice enough. haven't been smiling enough at people I normally smile at, and I just feel less happy about my life. cos well I just lose faith in people sometimes. maybe I was being too naive, I mean I knew there were people out there with bad intentions, I just never thought I'd ever be the recipient of those acts of ill intention. you know?
and it's that one little thing that's not failed to bug me since the start of the year. which I just don't need): it's tugging at the corner of my heart like a bad memory I can't dispose of. and yet I still hang on to it. I've tried letting go of it but it didn't work, I tried to sit it out for close to five months and I still can't forget it. ): it ain't fair.
but I really should just get over myself and smile more. it starts with a smile, no? no doubt just one smile won't change the way things are in fact smiling won't change things at all but it's better than sulking around feeling pathetic when I'm alone on the way home on the bus or on the train or whatever.
so tomorrow! I shall be a happier girl. for my own sake I will do my best. (God willing. :/)
Now you can wait your whole life wondering When it's gonna come or where it's been. You may have got your heart broken A few times in the past Never last strong as it used to, Don't feel as good as it used to (before) And all the things you used to say, Things you used to do, went right out the door
Oh no more, will you be the one That's what you tell everyone around you But you know they've heard it all before What more can you say When love won't let you, walk away And you can't help who you love And you find yourself giving it away When you think you're in love
heaven sent- keyshia cole ft. mario
I can totally identify with this song.. first of all it's a really sweet melody and the lyrics just encompass everything I've been feeling these past few months.. it's so sincere and it's from the bottom of the heart, I really like this song it's awesome.
I need you to be more than this. more than just some cute guy who's sweet to me, to be frank. if I wanted someone cute who is really sweet as well I'd just walk out the door, there's loads of them out there, but I need somebody who can be my friend and I don't just mean the kind of friend who's little more than an acquaintance you make occasional small talk with.
what makes you think you can impose yourself on me?
OH GOD, I'M SO SCARED YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ME UP OH MY GOD
I'm fucking seventeen yo and I don't give a shit if you threaten to beat my nose up silly just do it I'm still gonna do what I want because you can't tell me what to do anymore asshole.
LIFE IS GOOD. that is, ever since promos ended (x been one major humongous slackfest! 8D
anyhoo. okay I'ma say this now right now and I don't care what you think okay I'm feeling mega flirtatious right now bwahahaha
no lah it's just that feeling that you get after you break up with someone. that liberated, I'm-free-to-do-whatever-I-want! kind of feeling. yeah. (:
I'd best stay away from any boys tonight. O.o cos I'm going out soon, see. and I think I get quite disgusting when I flirt. I mean it feels fun and all but it just sorta makes my skin crawl when I think about it. like when the guy's gone I go like, "ew, what was that? >:("
ohyeah I didn't break up with anyone, technically not. I only said that to illustrate my point. can say that God just cut my chains for me. hahaha
....
I'M A LUCKY GIRL. RIGHT NAMELESS. HAHAHA.
xD
ohyeah I just remembered why I wanted to blog.
1. I want a vacation! (TURKEY! no, not the one that goes squawksquawk) 2. I really don't want to shop how come everyone's going on shopping sprees. ): 3. HOUSE BUNNY! I wanna watch la dey! 4. I HATE SARAH PALIN
okay I don't hate her, I just think she's quite conceited. she kept linking everything to her family. credits go to her for not screwing the whole vicepresidential debate up but it was quite irritating how she kept mentioning "maverick". made me think of my friend, his name is maverick hahaha and it's like OKAY WE GE THE POINT, BASICALLY REPUBLICANS KICK ASS RIGHT, OKAY MOVE ON DUDE SHEESH
and btw I'm for joe biden and barack obama all the way homie yeahhhhh. obama looks like he's gonna look out for everyone, he looks like he's got principles you know? mccain just looks like the typical US president. only looking out for himself, his own interests, that kind. after studying cold war and shit like that, I'm pretty sure i don't want a self-serving president at the helm of the most powerful country in the world.
joe biden really knows his stuff too! I think he trashed palin in the debate. but palin didn't screw up anyways cos at least she knew how to reach out to the middle class.. but it's just irritating that palin is so egoistic, gosh. everything has to be linked to her family, I swear. gosh! I don't wanna know about your family lah girl!
you know, maybe she's right... why should I be the one to pay for your insecurity?
all this while been so guilt-racked, when I think of you I see only your face that one day the one I will never forget... you were my first. firsts come and go, doesn't mean it makes it any easier on your heart. ain't no switch to turn off all the feelings and memories, ain't no pushing all the pain to a corner of your heart and compressing it like it was air so you'll never feel like it's there
bittersweet. that's what the horrible sentiment in me is, it's just so easy to place it but it's downright hard going through it. when I utter your name a whole flood of emotions threatens to take over my entire being but I've still not forgotten you all this while and I do wonder if you're doing alright now. seems silly to others that I'm actually taking this long to even forget you, but you were special. the bloody first one dammit how could you not be special?
I loved you for who you are, no one's ever been quite like you, and I savour that fact every time I try to go back to your memory
but what I've been doing all this while is holding on to a dissipating, negligent, redundant hope that there still might be hope for us, but that was because I wanted to know that I didn't make you leave. guilt works in strange ways I guess... but she just put things into perspective for me, you left because you were insecure about my liking you for your own personality alone.
pinned the blame on myself for something I didn't do. I would've gladly stood by you if you'd just told me what was going on, everything and anything that was going through your mind. I guess to me you were perfect, you could never do something to hurt anyone, and I guess I overlooked the fact that you are human, that you've got your own insecurities, your own inadequacies
guilt works in strange ways, like I said, it's a horrible thing sometimes. even when I know you left because (and I'm trying to find a nice way to say this) you just didn't believe I'd ever loved you for a better reason than people pushing us together, I've got this propensity to want to blame myself for not seeing it, for overlooking it and being completely oblivious towards it, for not being cautious in what I did when I knew you were watching my every move
ain't no going back now.. I couldn't have known that you had a colossal inferiority complex because you never said anything at all about it, and all you did was watch from afar, make your own conclusions, break your own heart and decide to move on without even telling me why or when you were leaving
I just don't blame you though. it was all just a big misunderstanding actually, and I can't hate you for that imperfection in your personality. I'm just... accepting the fate now. wasn't meant to be. okay fine.
but you'll always have a corner in my heart. cos no matter what, you'll always be that boy with the long unruly hair and those eyes that say a thousand words, and the one who was nothing but everything at the same time. (:
** was out shopping with the gang today after pw op lecture. they're "the gang" simply because I can't be bothered to name out every single one of them. cos it's just not needed. (:
anyhows, I saw a MILF today: Mother I'd Love to Fondle/Fuck (whatever)
no, for the (horribly) ill-informed, I didn't invent that term (what the f! a bit wrong right!) bwahaha, it's real term okay. there's loads of them in america, they probably make billions every year out of the MILF porn industry
yea well. MOVING ON!
anyway I saw an asian milf today! horrible horrible sight. ): thank goodness it's my first time, I think if it was my second time I would have horribly utterly disgusted! revolted! you get the idea. today I was just. speechless. shocked. horrified, yes but more shocked. I ain't ever seen such humongous watermelons before okay no really.
she was wearing these teeny teeny tiny shorts, teeny-er than mickey mouse (who come to think of it isn't really that tiny, but nevermind) and teeny-er than. er. teens. HAHA. alright not funny.
and she was wearing an even teenier top! her boobs were all over the place, okay I swear. I think they were just about to pop out of her top O.o they're the biggest thingums I have ever ever EVER seeeeen on a woman alright okay to call her a woman would be an insult, I think I should call her er I dunno, Mrs Bigg.
so Mrs Bigg is really BIG and really BIGOTED. O.o I kid you not!
three ahbengs walked past openly gawking at her like she might as well have been walking around far east plaza wearing borat's infamous limegreen swimsuit okay O.O and one of the ahbengs was quite funny, his mouth was open so wide that I think you could have fit a trademark london doubledecker bus inside, or maybe even that purple tripledecker bus from harry potter, and then you can fit in a tiny vespa by the side of that bus.
AND THE MILF WENT,
"like what you see? hehehehehehehe"
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
o. m. g. I had no idea adults could be capable of such repulsive behaviour! she was old enough to be MY mum alright, and she was sashaying around making the fellas' members stick up like a pole (I'm sorry for the frankness, but really!) and making such provocative comments.
WOW! I wonder if annabelle chong ever thought of doing that ><
) and making such provocative comments.