\since we're such awkward bedfellows

aidilftriiiiii

SLAMAT HARI RAYA! :D

since everyone's sms-ing and I can't really bothered to sms like all the malay contacts in my phone, cos like they're just too many since I'm just so popular like that, I'm just gonna say this here and now!

maaf zahir dan batin everyone! (: I really really hope that yall can forgive me if I went too far when I joked around, or if I hurt your feelings in any way at all. I really didn't mean it! just that I talk without thinking sometimes, like the words just come out and it takes me a while to realize I shouldn't have said it. so yeah! please forgive me! and I wish everyone a happpppppyyyy hari raya (: (: (: despite the depleting sums of raya money we get with every year! haha! just hope that everyone will have a SPANKING good time with their families and eating kueh and just being merry and GAY :D

heeeheeee

well my parents still aren't done with springcleaning! or whatever you call it lah. cleared out most of the storeroom today, though, guess that's progress! lol! but my living room is kinda transformed, cos there are new lights, new pillow covers, new curtains. I think it looks completely awesome now, cos I love the curtains my parents bought. it feels so much like home now. I mean much MORE homely and cosy. :P

for tonight I'm gonna watch sinar lebaran on suria! which is on right now, actually. see you guys HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY :D

p.s. wow fauzie laily is really good at being gay!

posted by aney @ 11:42 PM 0 Comments

"yeah at the bindy wenches there"

honestly, you really really really irritate me you know. I don't think I've ever felt so irritated at anyone so frequently before. what the hell is wrong with you, I've got my own life and you've got yours, I don't do things the way you do things, that doesn't make me any less of a person than you are. sheesh!! just leave me alone lah walao.

I really wish I had my own room now. I don't feel like talking to my parents! they'll just ask me what I'm doing on my laptop, and I'll get even more irritated, and damn I just don't need that. daddy thinks I'm so terrified of him. HAH. HAHHAHAHA. yeah well. guess I'm feeling a tad rebellious tonight. okayyyyy so maybe it's not just tonight?! I mean I've always been this way haven't I haha. just that I don't show it that much, so. yea.

on a much lighter note,

PROMOS ARE OVER! EXTERMINATED! ELIMINATED! DON(N)E! :D :D :D :D

yeah science students, shut up. >=(

I am FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FREE TO PLAY MY PC GAMES AND MY XBOX AND MY GUITAR HERO AND OHGOSH I'M NOT A NERD OKAY SHUT UP. (:

anyway today was good! donne wasn't too bad and I don't think I messed up the unseen so I should be relatively okay! haha (: after school went to vivo to shop with chermaine and polly.

I wasn't intending to get anything at first but then i figured, I don't have any accessories for raya this wednesday and mum and dad are definitely not going to bother shopping any more (they never do a lot of shopping anyhoos) so I got myself a bracelet (which btw is too big cos my wrist is really very small. it's tiny, really, just ask polly hahaha) and um a necklace. yea. and I bought cookies! from candy empire! good deal--5.80 for two packets of NONSTOP! cookies awesome huh

and I decided that one day I'm gonna drag a few friends over to vivo to EAT. cos they have nice eating places there! ohyea which reminds me. polly and chermaine had their lunch at earle swensens while I literally sat there and watched them eat hahaha

they got ripped off! the whole thing cost them 44.50 altogether but the rice portion was so freaking tiny lah! you know if you buy chicken rice normally the amount of rice is measured by a bowl right... but at earle swensen's I think they used like a oversized thimble to measure the amount of rice they put on the plate. stupid, and the plate is so big!

and then we went back to orchard, to PS, cos chermaine needed to shop for something. and we ended up bumping into kexin ros val ruiling victor jonlim! a lot of times O.o bwahaha apparently they got ripped off as well cos they thought they were watching some chickflick which turned to be a really pointless slasher movie where everyone dies. haha.

WELL! CONSUMERISM'S A BITCH. :D

whatever.. I got on the bus and I seriously immediately fell asleep. damn tired after one whole week of late nights.. I seriously thought I was only sleeping for like 5 minutes max but when I woke up the bus was already one stop away from my bus stop! HAHA. :P

got home, the house was in an utter mess, because well my parents were springcleaning the place. more like autumncleaning, isn't it? I really have no idea. ohwell. just helped out clearing some stuff and throwing away junk and shit like that... which took a surprisingly long time! finally after I changed the pillow covers (they're RED now! WOOH!) I was free to plop my big ass down on the sofa, switch on the telly and watch some TEEVEE!

I swear I need to watch more teevee. I had problems remembering who teri hatcher is O.o hahaha anyway I watched friends, my wife and kids, and 8 simple rules. I think the wife in my wife and kids is damn irritating. she was squealing away about getting a blue dress and it was just really irritating she honestly sounded like a PIG! AH! couldn't they have gotten someone better -.-

hahaha but other than that I love my wife and kids quite a hilarious sitcom. :P I love the little kid who's such a smart-ass he teaches his dumbass big sis to cook. she's such a dumbass she put the chicken in the oven and DIDN'T SET THE TEMPERATURE. HAHA. HAHAHA. wonder if there are people like that in real life. HAHA. xP I bet there are! somewhere....

moving on! about f1! so obviously everyone knows ferrari screwed up and massa's pit crew messed up bigtime, but I never actually cared about the whole f1 thing until now. cos massa's actually a nice guy, he said it was only human to err and that he doesn't blame his pit crew. so kind! when it was his pit crew that made him drop from 1st to 13th if I'm not wrong.

I always thought f1 drivers were all a bunch of notorious playboys who never stop partying and have egos bigger than the size of mars (and no I'm not talking about the chocolate bar HAHA xD) and it seems that way with kimi raikkonen and increasingly so with lewis hamilton (who by the way, I don't think is hot, despite the papers saying he is?? he's just average!) but at least massa seems like a good guy. :P

ohwell. whatevs. and I can't believe hamilton said he "morally deserves" to win the race O.o nobody owes him anything! I mean I know there was some scandal before the singapore leg of the race but really man that doesn't mean you should automatically be secured the title simply because you were wronged. -.- just fight like everyone else has to do lah.

okay well I've just got one more thing to reflect upon... despite all that's happened I just can't help feeling indifferent at the way things have turned out. I don't regret my decision and I (astonishingly enough) am not as overcome with guilt about hurting him.. I really don't think it's my fault, he should have said something right? I've had just about enough of waiting, it's been close to seven months and even then I already gave him a second chance midway, and believe you me, it ain't easy for me to just anyhow give people another chance after they treat me like an asshole.

might sound incredibly selfish, but well I think it's only fair, cos I can't be expected to continue waiting and waiting when I have nothing to go on, nothing real to fall back on each time I start to wonder if it's even worth waiting for or not.

well. I do wish that things wouldn't have turned out this way, but since they have, all I can do is take the blow, accept that this is the way things are going to be from now on and take it as a learning experience and move on.

it still does kinda hurt to forget everything that happened, though. I feel like it was all wasted, that we had a good chance at being awesome together but we blew it.

sigh. ohwell. life's like that. gotta move on! cya guys HAVE FUN SLACKING. (:

(&tmr's the last day of the fasting month! :O)

posted by aney @ 11:32 PM 0 Comments

prozac, anyone?

wow I feel really loved. (:

been a real headcase these past few days haha and I think I looked the part as well, to some extent. what with the red eye thing, and everything. 0.o

OH YEAH. haha I did NOT cry myself to sleep, you guys. haha. wtf. the last time I did that was like last year? near eoys. fallout with the daddyschmadders (HAHA what a complete non-word, I like it!)

anyway. maybe I'm just frustrated. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know what he wants, I don't know what I want, I don't know how to do this without getting hurt or getting anyone else hurt.

yeah well. life's a bitch ):

BUT! thanks guys, for being such awesome friends, I love you guys! <33333

posted by aney @ 1:00 AM 0 Comments

carpe diem?

dad wants to send me to turkey this december holidays!

TURKEY! TURKEYYYYYYYYY!!!! OH-EM-JEE?!?!?!

ALONE! with a foster family lah of course, but nonetheless alone! for the whole of the december holidays! wahhhhhhhhhhhhhwww.

and guess what I told him? I told him I wanna go, if he shortens it to three weeks and leaves my first december week alone cos it's my birthday and I wanna spend it here with friends and family!

everything that's going through my mind right now: excitement, disbelief, fear, apprehension, bewilderment, curiosity, and just these three letters that are like this megahuge billboard-sized sirens, W-O-W.

seriously, wow! no doubt i'm scared shitless, I mean I'll be alone, I'll have to fend for myself, I won't have anyone I know from home beside me. it's just me and my foster family. wow! wow! as in wow OMG HOW DO I SURVIVE and WOW like i can't believe this it's so COOL!

I wanna seize the opporunity, I'm seriously bubbling over with enthusiasm and excitement, but it is scary. not scary enough to make me chicken out, but still scary enough. wow.

I've been to turkey before, but that was back when I was in k2, which is a mighty young age! I remember most of it though.. it's quite a nice place, extremely different from singapore, it's got this jovial kind of warm homely vibe.. it's not like squeaky-clean antiseptic perfection the way singapore is..

I think. but even if I'm wrong I still wanna go! i wanna get my butt off the couch, face an opportunity like this in the eye, not knowing what the hell I'm in for and what I'm gonna face and basically going in with zilch mental preparation and still just going out on a limb and doing it! that's awesome!

I mean not everyone gets a chance like this, and I've always wanted to travel the world, I guess turkey is far and exotic enough! especially if I go in there alone. s'funny, I always wanted to travel, but I never thought for once that I'd have to do it alone.

ohwell. going to turkey is an exciting prospect indeed! and I am WAY fired up! this is the spice I've been looking for, the antidote to mundaneness, to break the monotony! trust me it's a really fineeeeee prospect to me (:

I hope dad's not kidding. I know he's being serious, but sometimes he's serious and then the next day he's like "I didn't say that, are you crazy?!" like when he wanted to buy a terrace house near pasir ris park. (I keep typing paris instead of pasir haha paris ris park 0.o) he was set on doing it and I was actually wondering what leaving my friends behind at bukit panjang was going to be like, but then the next day he was like "no way, it's so far away!"

oh yea, if you're wondering why he wants to do this, don't ask me. I have no idea. I'm just glad he wants to do it! even though I was actually planning to study very hard so my promos would be the last time I ever see a big ugly U or an S on my report card, almost like it's saying 'kiss my ass, mofo'. I wanted to get all Bs for march cts next year! except for econs. a D would suffice 0.o

I doubt I'll get all Bs now that my december holidays appear to be completely gone, but I don't really mind. I mean, this is the opportunity of a lifetime and you expect me to just sit here and go "oh sorry, but what about my grades! OH NO! MY GRADES!" geez, there are more important things in life. lol.

ohman now I'm glad I didn't get into oteam. I'd rather go to turkey than be in oteam! no offence, by the way :P

well in other news, hari raya preparations are well under way! I can't believe my parents want to make substantial hari raya preparations this year. new carpet, new lights, new plants for the balcony, new jars, new curtains, new pillowcases. wow. ohyeah and a new baju kurung for me! :D last year didn't have a new one, cos the last last year's one was close to 200bucks, heh.but it's really pretty though!

stupid milk scandal means no m&m cakes this year. according to my parents, it's not safe. ): I'm starting to wonder if mum isn't just lazy to make them. I told her I can help my maid make, but she snapped at me to eat my dinner D:

alright! gotta go bake up a storm! haha. no lah all I do is knead the dough, use the mixing machine and make sure everything's mixed well, and put in all the ingredients. my maid's the one who measures the right amount of ingredients and puts it into the oven. cos I'm scared of appliances whose purpose is to heat up things.. really. no shit. I'm not even kidding.

mum gets so worked up when I can't even fry nuggets without squealing away because I'm scared the oil will jump from the pan to my skin. it hurts okay! when I was young I used to love watching the mamas flipping pratas whenever I ate at this coffeeshop at holland rd. and I used to stand really close and watch the pratas being cooked, and one day I stood too near the goddamn whatsamacallit thing they use to cook pratas, and the oil jumped to my forehead. FREAKING PAIN OKAY.

yea so I've been traumatised since.

OKAY. enough dawdling, I shall go help now. (I'm acting like promos are over man, I've only gone through two donne poems so far -.- I promise I'll control myself tonight! HAHA EH THAT SOUNDED WRONG HAHA) ohwells. BYE.

posted by aney @ 3:59 PM 0 Comments

long long sentence

was thinking of a thousand million ways to say this without pissing you off some more but then again you're probably too pissed to care whatever else I've got to say, but all I hoped for was a little honesty, it's why I kept on going, why I hung on. I don't think you ever lied, but I just wanted to know I'm not insane for placing all my hopes on something that might not even be real, I don't care if it feels real, I don't know that it's real, for all I know you could just be holding out for someone better, and even if feels like you're not, I don't care, I can't keep going on my instinct all the time.

posted by aney @ 9:23 PM 0 Comments

cryptic

if I could even say a word to you about this in real life, this is what I'd say:

dear ____,

I don't want you to think I'm a bitch. I'm not leaving because I found someone else, or because I was never serious about liking you. you know perfectly well how serious I was. people think I left him because I couldn't care less, because I never intended to stay for a long time, but it's not true. at the time, I just didn'treally know why I had to move on, I just knew I had to. which is why I felt even more guilty.

I was wondering about it all the time I was on the train on the way home and I've got to let you know that I don't think I'm ready for anything yet. I don't even wanna completely give myself to anyone right now, how can I expect anything to work out if I don't give my all... it's not you.

I just don't want to let my feelings govern me. I guess it's got a lot to do with my sticking it to The Man attitude as well. I'm supposed to be this tough girl, as far as not indulging in pretty little things like cute little earrings and furry little pink hearts and (omg!) gummybears and gumdrops, are concerned.. I'm less of a tough girl in reality though, there's loads of girls who're tougher than me, I'm still girly sometimes. that's me I guess. doesn't mean I like it.

so when I get a situation like this. where all we do is speculate about our feelings for one another. and just build something out of that. I wanna not do what a typical girlygirl would do, which... actually I don't even know what they'd do. it just seems like telling you I'm leaving, out of nowhere, is something they wouldn't do.

of course I don't just do it because I wanna prove something to myself. I don't wanna get hurt as well.I don't wanna let my feelings dictate my actions. don't wanna let my feelings take control of me. cos I don't like it when that happens, I'm reduced to a mess on the floor, looking like something that just came out of the cat's butt a few seconds ago.

I cannot let myself get hurt. I'm not gonna go with what I want to do instead of what I should do, I've got to do the grown-up thing and leave. I still love you. but if I can leave you when I still love you it's gonna go away. soon. some time later. I don't know. I've just got to put my foot down on it and do it, even if it hurts so much leaving the one you love. it's time I stopped being a stupid teenager and all weak and starryeyed and it's time I started getting real.

and you've got to have figured out at some point in time, it's forbidden that I be with you. not officially forbidden, but we're different. I'm not talking about personality. you know my mum would kill me if she knew. she says she's fine with it, but I know she's not. my dad has got his own reputation to keep, if I do this I'm gonna make him look like a hypocrite if my friends find out where he works.

I don't expect you to understand, I'm still having a hard time comprehending what I'm trying to do here. I just want you to know that I never intended to break your heart, and if it matters at all I went back and forth about a billion times before trying to think this through, I didn't wanna leave. and when I knew what I had to do I didn't want to do it, I didn't wanna hurt you.

please just find another person. there's loads of fish out in the sea and I'm not so special that I'm irreplaceable. you have to. I can't face you if you don't. just tell yourself you don't anymore and I know it's freaking hard, believe me I know, but you've just got to do it. save your own skin. don't let me break you promise me you won't.

I love you, but it's time we moved on.

**

think the person it's meant for should know it's for him. hopefully.

if you're a reader/passerby, and you're wondering what on earth it is I'm talking about and who the hell is such an unlucky idiot, and if you're planning to ask me about it, just do me a favour and don't ask me anything about it. thanks.

posted by aney @ 7:43 PM 0 Comments

incoherence is my bff

fast one before I get back to ihist.

(unapologetically SPAMS CAPSLOCK)

SCREW SCREW SCREW.

1. ECONS: I AM SCREWED. HONESTLY. I'M NOT KIDDING. I'M AS SERIOUS AS I'VE EVER BEEN. WHICH IS SERIOUS! THIS IS SERIOUS! AS SERIOUS AS SERIOUS BLACK HUH (but really, I am majorly majorly screwed)

2. I CANNOT SCREW MATH UP PLEASE NO ):

(CAPSLOCK TIRED, TAKES A KITKAT- HAVE A BREAK!)

3. i won't screw seahist up, i know that. ihist, i couldn't care less if not for the fact that I don't wanna come back for remedial! D:

4. i know i should be the last person saying this, seeing as I'm scared shit for the rest of the papers but DUDES! do it like lady macbeth did it-

'we fail! but screw your courage to the sticking place, and we'll not fail' (ironic that this quote is so apt)

U S E or D (haha) just don't cower like a COWERD (haha) at the prospect of doing badly.. as long as you did your best you got no shame, get out there, stick your ass down, get it done with and whether you get murdered, owned or pwned by the paper, or the other extreme (yay!) keep that gigantic grin on your face and never fearrrrr cos you've done your best.

'if ya heart filled with faith then ya can't fear'- choice words from TI. love him love love love.

OKAY. I GO STARDIE NOW.

posted by aney @ 11:00 PM 0 Comments

as bitter as a bittergourd??

Promos, you suck. if you were a real-life bitch (it's impossible for you to be anything else BUT a bitch) I'd get someone to rape you and then kill you in your sleep. I hate you that much, promos.

grades, why do you torment me so ): I live just once and I don't wish for my academic worth to be reduced to a bunch of cold hard alphabets on a cold hard piece of paper.

hate life. hate promos. hate teachers. hate exams. hate grades. hate studying non-stop for 6 hours, getting a nap that lasts all of half an hour, and sitting my ass back down at the table and drowning myself in piles of NOTES NOTES NOTES AND MORE NOTES.

oh yeah, I hate notes.

agh. one week. get through it. pass. SURVIVE! that's all I want. ):

posted by aney @ 6:37 PM 0 Comments

frivolous bunch of crap

"omgzxzxzx promos coming __ days time what am I still doing here" okay I'm done with the normal starting line now, let's move on.

I feel like some unheard-of love guru or something, cos in between mugging and changing my mugging campouts around the house once every three hours (I get restless, don't look at me like that), I've been giving advice about matters of the heart to two of my closest guy friends, whom I love very much (:

and who am I kidding, why am I giving advice about how to improve their love lifes when my own is still in this stagnant, dust-collecting state. granted, they're the ones who asked me what they should do, but still, isn't it completely ironic that I'M telling them what they should do?

to tell you the truth, I was actually flattered initially, when they first asked, cos they chose to ask me out of so many people. like I'm like this female version of Hitch. (as if I even know that much about the whole love game, actually -.-) but then again I realize it's just because they wanted a girl's opinion and I'm the only one they dared to ask, cos, I don't know, apparently I'm "not like" a girl (really, that's what one of em said when I asked)

gee willikers, thanks a lot. a girl sure wants to be told that she's "not like" a girl. haha. I'm kidding. I mean, only partially. I guess most girls like to consider themselves girly, as far as personality is concerned.

which brings me to another topic. I wish people weren't so uptight about girls hanging out with a bunch of guys at one time. as in, a girl being the only girl among a group of boys. I don't think they're that uptight when a guy hangs out with a bunch of girls, I mean I've got a couple of guy friends who do that frequently, nobody ever goes 'oh god, what a bloody obnoxious player', or like, 'aiya no shame'. well not a lot of people anyway.

but when a girl hangs out with a bunch of guys at one time, it's almost always 'ee why can't she just hang out with the rest of the girls, she thinks she's so popular with the guys is it??' and it's bloody irritating. I mean preferring to be in the company of boys rather than girls doesn't necessarily put you in the same bracket as slut or anything of that sort right?!

me, I just don't see what's so bad about it. guys are more fun than girls sometimes, so what's so wrong about being the only girl in a group of boys if you're just out to have some meaningless fun? I mean as long as you don't go traipsing around town with a whole bunch of boys and being all flirty and 'oh look at me, I'm such a pretty princess, I'm so frickin popular with them' then it's okay what. people should be able to tell that you're not 'one of those girls', for lack of a more polite term to use.

I know that not everyone has this kind of attitude, and that I'm probably making a thousand million different sweeping statements by saying what I just said, and that I'm probably just kinda pissed off in lieu of a recent event that has occurred (it's seahist, I swear, talking out loud in a formal tone just to get the points into my head has serious side-effects), but REALLY. I wish people would just stop being so immature and so uptight. it irritates me. ):

well, time to go! I realize I've not been happy enough this past few week. well, relatively speaking. (SEE, IT'S SEAHIST! relative..) DAMN PROMOS. heh. okay, so it's NOT just promos, I'm just not a happy girl this week! whatever it is, I still say screw it. I can't wait for promos to be over.

posted by aney @ 7:38 PM 0 Comments

dickie!

AIYO AIYO AIYO. I'm sick of bad people you know. sickening. piss me off?!!?!

WANNA PICK A FIGHT, YO?! YOU'RE ON. I'VE GOT CONNECTIONS. I KNOW PEOPLE WHO CAN MAKE YOUR DICK HURT SO FREAKING BAD YOU WISHED YOU NEVER HAD ONE. :X

haha damn. I know that didn't sound half as threatening as I meant it to be, you probably like laughed out loud or something, I don't know, but it helped for some reason! this one dude that I know, I can picture him just hopping around grimacing and holding his dick like it's gonna drop off if not. that's just funny to me.

hahaha. oh man, please do realize that I only picture people I don't like, in that way. haha. I know we all love our reproductive organs very much and don't wish to have them taken away.

SO. I should really stop talking about dicks and what not.

or not. all this talk of dicks made me think of something. which you might not even find funny actually, but I think it's hilarious though. :D

you know ernie from sesame street? he's forever playing with his rubber ducky in his bath right? imagine if there were a kinky version of ernie and his rubber ducky! instead of ernie and his rubber DUCKY, it'd be ernie with a RUBBER to put on his DICKIE HAHAHAHA.

oh man. I can't imagine being four years old and watching ernie wanking off on television. haha. "MOMMY TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT!"

hahaha. oh dear. I should stop now. BYE. ><

posted by aney @ 10:25 PM 0 Comments

plug in. play. close my eyes. the world disappears and the music fills my ears. i let the floodgates open and the music fills every corner of my soul. it flows into every nook and cranny, right down to my toes. and when I open my eyes again, the world's brand new. like everything's been sucked into a vacuum and then churned out again.

I feel happier than anyone's ever made me feel, the ecstasy of it all takes over me. I don't care that I'm smiling away in public, all my own, why do I need to care. they'd smile if they were in my place too. if they could see things the way I do.

I feel as though I've been blind all this while, like something inside's just awoken. it's hard to describe it, I believe the eyes behind my eyes have opened. weird! but I only have You to thank (: and my mum as well :D

you. can't believe how far we've come. didn't know the feeling would last this long. I don't know if it's real though. for what it's worth, I still think you're beautiful, in more ways than one and I couldn't be more honest about that than if I'd told you I have two arms, two legs and two eyes.

(:

posted by aney @ 10:23 PM 0 Comments

[edit]

tag response.

hey there, anon. whoever you are. thanks for just traipsing onto my blog, leaving a tag like that and not even having the balls to leave your name behind. oh yeah, and for ruining my whole fucking night.

he probably would've told you all about the kind of girl I am. well fuck that, he never told me why he left. he just did, without even saying goodbye, and then what am I supposed to do? just sit here and pretend nothing ever happened. erase all the fucking memories from my head like a fucking machine, I can just forget about people just like that, right?

I know I didn't treat him right, I know I took him for granted, but he's in the wrong too, for just leaving me without even giving me the courtesy of an explanation. what kind of shit is that???

in any case, that was all two years ago, I'm not who I was back then, and I doubt he's the same asyraf I used to know. you must be a great friend, anon, for busting your ass for your friend this way, but next time, maybe you should do it to someone you actually know personally, so you can actually use your own fucking judgement to decide who's right and who's wrong.

[/edit]

posted by aney @ 7:26 PM 0 Comments

eww. I feel so funny today. as in, weird. like my insides are this glob of solids moving up down left right everywhere around my body. really. and I know exactly why I'm feeling this way.

do you know how hard it is to resist the temptation, I wanna just give in to my feelings and go with the flow, I can't stop the rain from falling, can I? but I do that, and I'm screwed. and I'm scared of getting screwed over again, I can't give in this time. not now. especially not now. ): it's tearing me apart, I swear.

hang in there. ugh.

posted by aney @ 9:49 AM 0 Comments

oh dear hahahahaha SHIT. MAMALEMON, YOU ARE DAMN FUNNY HAHAHAHAHA. IF ONLY YOU KNEW. HAHA. HAHAHA. xD you look like the most down-to-earth, serious dude on earth (no la I'm exaggerating. but you get the idea!) but HOT DAMN you're not. I think you're anything BUT that. hahaha.

HOT DAMN! but you ain't DAMN HOT.

heeeehh. >,<

posted by aney @ 12:02 AM 0 Comments

ahh I can't sign in to my bloody msn. ): looks like I'll be on non-self-imposed hiatus from now on. I'm freaking annoyed right now. if my msn were a human being I'd berate it like there's no tomorrow. ): stupid service. AUGH. I tried with my laptop first and then on the family comp, which btw I think is ancient. needed like several billion updates to go through with the stupid msn installer shit. and then whaddyaknow, IT STILL COULDN'T WORK. BLOODY TOOT.

freaking pissed off. I NEED TO SIGN IN. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. polly said she had something to say to me, but that I must sign in first. AND I HATE SUSPENSE. I FREAKING HATE SUSPENSE. you'd know that, if you know me well enough. I think. prolly why I can't watch horror movies without screaming my ass off, even if it's five whole seconds before the whole cinema starts screaming away but whatever. I have this overactive imagination that like goes into overdrive when I know that I'm not being told something.

my weakness I think! hm that's cool. can't believe I realized a weakness in myself after all this msn nonsense. -.-

I think it runs in the family! my brother always pesters me about what's going on on csi if he comes to watch it after the half the show is gone, and when he butts in to conversations he says in this freaking annoying agitated voice: WHAT! WHAT! WHAT?! WHAT?! KAK (malay for big sis) WHAT KAK! KAKKKKK! OI! WHAT! WHAAAAAATTTTTT. and it usually works. it's only cos I want him to shut the hell up -.- aiyo

today. I am feeling. like a bitch. don't wanna say why. ): but I'm also confused. because I have no idea if it was anything I did that's made somebody withdrawn. as in, not withdraw like you know withdrawing from moelc or anything, but withdrawn. like personality withdrawn. yea. how articulate of me. -.-

anyway! I have this great big hunch that it was something I did, or maybe didn't do, or possibly did but didn't realize I did (which seems to be the case mostof the time, apparently), or maybe even purposely did without thinking about how somebody'd feel like if I did it. I DON'T KNOW. see overactive imaginations suckkkkk.

I just didn't mean to cause any harm.. well not THAT much harm anyway..... okay I should stop talking, really. :/ but. butbut.

aku sayang sama dia. kapan dia kaget, gue juga kaget. tapi dia tak pernah ngomong sama gue, mengapa sih dia kaget. gue nggak paham. lebih kaget lagi dibuatnya. aku mahu dia tau, aku sayang dia, tapi aku tau, sebenarnya aku nggak bisa sayang sama dia. gue sayangkan dia bukan karena gue butuhkan kasih sayang dari sesiapa. gue betul2 ikhlas, sayang sama dia karena gue betul2 perhatian sama dia. sayang banget sih.

udah enam bulan gue simpankan perasaan gue. gimana mau bilang sama dia? terus.. gimana kalo dia tak menyimpan perasaan sama untuk gue? KAGET! mati aku. gue nggak tau sih... kebingungan!!!!

gue mau lupakan dia. tapi susah. usah tanya sama gue mengapa sih, susah? gue nggak tau!!! susah banget. pening kepala gue dibuatnya ):

so that was my very poor attempt at trying to speak in indonesian, and in case you were wondering, it's not a load of rubbish. it's actually got a message to it, about somebody I care about. it's a guy, but we're just friends, he's just been different lately anddd I'm kinda worried. that's all.

there's a lot more to the message than just that, but that's like uhh confidential stuff I guess. well not really. I wanted to put it into words, but not in real life, and here's the only place I can do that. go figure.

oh and my 'ability', if you can even call it that, to talk in some SEMBLANCE of how indonesians talk like, has got nothing to do with my being part indonesian. zilch. nada! I understand them when they talk to me, most of the time, but I just screw up talking in indonesian myself. my knowledge comes mainly from watching indonesian soaps on suria when I was in sec3/4. HAHA. no really.

okay PEEDUBBBBBBEW CALLS. dancing dragons (x wooh! bye

posted by aney @ 9:03 PM 0 Comments

posted by aney @ 7:45 PM 0 Comments

blood thicker than water. (:

hello. today I wanna talk about how much I love my bro! I really really really really love him! he's the best brother in the whole wide world, I love him to death. even though I quarrel with him sometimes, even though I've punched his stomach so hard before it was aching for an entire week.

okay, I'ma come clean. I was crying last night in front of the laptop, don't need to explain why, it's all in the last post. ha. anyway it seemed to him like I was crying for no reason, but when I told him not to talk to me he really didn't, he didn't even come into our room. but I could see he was so worried. so touched lahh (:

then later when I'd cooled down I told him all about why I was crying and he's only in p6, what does he know about that? I expected that he'd just go, 'are you crazy, don't be so melodramatic!' but he didn't! he sat right there staring at me his big big eyes so freaking round and filled with surprise, he was hanging on my every word!

up till now, I didn't know he was capable of such compassion. usually when I have a bad day at school and I wanna tell him about it he shrugs me off at first and then after some coaxing (I know it sounds like bribing, but hell no, no bribing I swear) he listens, though he doesn't give me his full attention. at least I know he's listening, that counts. cos sometimes you just need someone to listen.

which is exactly what I needed last night. someone to shut up and listen to me. and of course, he didn't know what advice to give me, I mean come on, I wasn't expecting him to give me advice anyway. but he did the sweetest thing!

you know when something funny happens to me during the day, I'll tell him all about it. but I didn't expect him to remember all the stuff I told him about my life, but he did. and last night he sat in front of me and gave me this smile, that was so reassuring and so consoling that I was kinda taken aback.

he told me to just remember all the good times I've had so far and forget about whatever I was sad about for a while, cos it wouldn't do to have me moping around the house. and of course I couldn't think of anything, so he did it for me! and it actually made me laugh, oh god it felt so good just to laugh, I was so touched by him and then I felt like everything was gonna be okay, because he made me see that life's still enjoyable if you just look in the right parts... (: (: (:

I gave him a great big hug right there, the first that I've given him in a long long time and I told him I loved him. he said "I love you too" and it's like he put ice on the wound, I felt so pacified.

I don't think I deserve him. or rather, I haven't done enough to deserve him! which is gonna CHANGE, soon. (:

my brother's the only person in the world that I can tell EVERYthing to, and still know that at the end of the day he'll still love me to bits and I'd love him to bits too. no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I know he'll always be there for me. (:

posted by aney @ 6:04 PM 0 Comments

as far as I'm concerned, today was the most horrible day I've had in a long time. it doesn't have anything to do with anything that happened over the course of the day. I just realized something that made my heart plummet down to my toes. it might sound a tad cliche, but do trust me when I say that I'm not just saying this for no reason at all.

it's that same sinking feeling at the base of my stomach, it just makes me stare off into space, and wherever I am, see nothing at all except for that overpowering feeling and the thoughts running through my mind. the love of my life could be staring me right in my face and I wouldn't notice.

void. it's that one simple word, the only word I can use, to describe how I'm feeling right now. the last time I ever felt like this was when I realized I can't love him like he loves me because there's no such thing as an 'us' as far as my parents are concerned. no matter how much I love him I love my parents more and there's nothing I can do when they're so against my having him as my boyfriend. I owe my life to them. the least I could do is please them when it's my turn to sacrifice something for them..

but this time I don't know where this void came from. was walking towards piano class at sembawang today when I realized exactly what it was. it's like a little monster eclipsing my ability to appreciate the things around me. awkward expression, but i don't care. it's weird.

am I fucking insane? why the hell do I suddenly feel like this. it's fucked up, I don't even know what hit me and then suddenly I feel like I've got nothing inside of me any more. why now. two weeks before the fucking promos. forget that, why? WHY do I suddenly feel like this??

fuck this.

I need You. please I'm begging You get me out of this rut I need to know I'll be okay.

posted by aney @ 8:38 PM 0 Comments

hey guys.

omg. I just watched the 2girls1cup video. OMG. (fast forward past the billion other OMGs I feel compelled to say) omg. (last one!) ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no. ): it's freaking gross. hah. -gives a weak smile- I couldn't even look at it half the time! for the ill-informed... uhhh stay ill-informed. you don't wanna watch the video. REALLY YOU DON'T. this isn't even reverse psychology, I'm dead serious. do NOT watch it D:

yeah okay anyway. I love travis! the band I mean. not travis barker. or any other travis you and i might know. (: my fave song by them is turn. TURN (: awesome tune!

I want to see what people saw, I want to feel like I felt before, I want to see the kingdom come. I want to feel forever young, I want to sing, To sing my song, I want to live in a world where I belong

yay! okay moving on. to the main reason why I decided to blog.

guess I'm sending everyone into confusion about this whole love thing. put up a post quoting lyrics from david archuleta's crush, which is so completely a love song obviously, and then next thing you know I'm saying "I DON'T LIKE ANYONE NOW!". hypocritic much.

so hear it from me, once and for all, that I do not like him. I'm still in the process of trying to get over him. my heart still aches sometimes when I see him. but if I keep on doing this I'm very sure that I won't see him as anything more than a friend in the future. (: keeping my fingers crossed! and my heart set. (:

so you see, I might still be trying to get over somebody, but the fact remains that I don't have a love interest right now. I haven't fallen for anybody, I don't have the hots for anybody. I do think some people in school are completely cute, but that's it. nothing more. (:

HAH. now you can't ask me 'so who is it now?' when you see me. cos my answer will just be 'nobody. I'm bored with love. screw it.' and you'd be like 'I don't believe you, surely got someone!' and I'd be so freaking annoyed you wouldn't even know it. I mean it when I say it. WHY ELSE WOULD I SAY IT.

so friends, I hope none of you think I'm trying to lie to anybody here, least of all myself. I don't define trying to get over somebody as a sign that I like anybody, so there you have it. explanation out of the way.

now to go do something more productive. ciaooo

posted by aney @ 2:14 AM 0 Comments

don't send me on a guilt trip I really don't wanna be on this train get me offffff ):

1. leave me alone
2. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!
3. don't ignore me the way you do since when did we stop being friends huh??
4. I don't like you any moreeeee. dude I swear alright, I don't like anyone nowwww.

JUST GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK. ):

posted by aney @ 10:33 PM 0 Comments

nostalgia!

hello!

I took some time to remember those people I love that are no longer on this earth, and the first people that came to mind are my late auntie and my late grandpa. I won't go into the details, cos I'll never stop if I do. but I really did love them so and I don't think I cherished them enough when they were alive.

I love them very much. (:

but the thing is that they both played an instrumental role in my childhood. and then I grew up and I kind of forgot about them because I became to absorbed in my own life. you know. psle, friends, fitting in, all that bullshit.

my earliest childhood memory was of my auntie. I used to sleep at my aunt's house every friday night when I was small, don't really understand the rationale behind it. I guess they wanted to have another child. :P no really. how else would they have got the chance to make my brother's existence possible, so to speak.

OKAY MOVING ON! I hated friday nights the most because I hated when they had to leave me. I'd end up screaming and crying at my aunt's front door while they disappeared down the stairs. no matter how long my mum stayed behind I'd never go to sleep until after they were gone, and I'd never let them go quietly. I was extremely attached to them. haha. guess you can call me manja. :P

anyway I remember my aunt used to set up this hammock for me in the doorway of the guest room and lay me there, and then she'd rock the hammock so I'd go to sleep before my parents went off. but that never worked of course.

my earlist childhood memory goes like this: I'm lying in this hammock and I'm clutching my bolster like I'd die without it. and my aunt's rocking the hammock and she's trying to make me sleep. she's even trying to sing to me. but I don't care that she's doing that, I don't care that it's her house that I'm sleeping in, I don't even care that she's trying to make me go to sleep so I don't have to feel the pain of my parents leaving. so I shout to my aunt, and I tell her that I don't want her, I want my mum. and she goes away looking very wounded. but what did I care, I was just a baby.

pretty sad memory haha. but I loved my auntie all the same. she was like a second mother to me.

and my grandfather.. he was one of those strong and silent people. strong, not physically, but he just had this quiet confidence and he didn't say much, but it was impossible to ignore his presence because he just had this aura of authority. but when he spoke to me it was with a tone so kind and so gentle I didn't figure out that he could actually be fiercer than my dad even, if he wanted to, until I was older.

anyway I have this memory of them asking me what I want for breakfast. it was saturday and my aunt and my grandpa and I were in the living room. he was getting ready for one of his morning walks, and he never failed to ask me what I want for breakfast before setting off. I always wanted apam! this colorful miniature sponge cake that came in different colours.

at the time I was obsessed, like COMPLETELY obsessed, with power rangers. no shit. other girls were playing with pretty little dolls and combing barbie's pretty blonde hair and making her kiss ken, and I couldn't get enough of power rangers. HAHA. (x I tried playing with dolls! but it never worked, it was never exciting enough. in the end if I couldn't get my power ranger fix I'd play with my cousin's toy racing cars and monster trucks and GI Joes or whatever they were, and I'd always make the cars crash or drive off a cliff and GI Joe would always have a leg missing by the time I was done with him. how distinctly ladylike. :P

anyway, my aunt knew how obsessed I was with power rangers (I even had a crush on red ranger I think hahaha) so she'd always ask me which colour apam I wanted, pink ranger or green ranger or yellow ranger or white ranger or blue ranger. or something. because apam colours more or less correspond to power ranger colours. quite cool right! see how my smart aunt was. hahaha. (x

I remember my aunt and my grandpa kneeling in front of me while I hugged my plastic inflatable power ranger bolster, to ask me "what color ranger do you want!" I liked yellow ranger. whenever I asked for pink ranger I felt like I was being too girly for my own good. 0.o

she used to tell me loads of stories at night to get me to sleep. bedtime stories, I suppose, except they weren't of the hansel&gretel variety. auntie always told me news. yea sensational news stories she'd picked up in the newspaper, or watched on tv, or something. it never, and I mean NEVER, failed to make me stop crying after my parents left me at her house on friday nights.

there was one story about a hotel that collapsed in singapore, and my aunt told me about this dude who was bathing at the time the hotel collapsed. his wife told him to get out five minutes before the collapse but he wanted to smell nicer I guess so he continued bathing. it was indian couple on their honeymoon here. I think the guy died, I'm not sure. I swear I stopped crying immediately, I was so intrigued.

sick little kid i was, come to think of it. stories of people dying in hotel collapses made me stop crying. how bout a nice bedtime story like goldilocks? no thanks! HAHAHA.

sigh. and then when I grew up I forgot how good they were to me and how much they loved me because I stopped being such a baby and so I became less attached to them, especially after I stopped sleeping over at my auntie's house after my brother was born.

I remember my auntie sitting in the hallway of her new house and telling me to help myself to a banana in the kitchen. cos everyone in my family knows that banana is my favourite fruit. apples, the second favourite :p anyway I thought I was being kind by paying attention to her and using this sweet tone when I talked to her, but really I must've hurt her more. when you have to put on a tone like that to talk to someone, it just shows how estranged you are from that person.. I rushed off after telling her ok, just so I could play with my cousins.. sigh.

it was the same with grandpa. he never failed to ask me if I wanted a banana every time I came over to my auntie's house. never said much else to me or anyone else in the house at the time, even if all my aunts and uncles and cousins were there, like there always were and still are, almost every saturday night.

I know the first time that I ever cried at anyone's wake was at my aunt's wake. I was playing all the way until I saw my oldest cousin kissing my late aunt's forehead. and then the tears just came so hard, I remember me and my cousin clutching each other's hands so hard it hurt. I ran off to the guest room and pulled my cousin along with me and I locked us in, and I only came out when my mum told me they were bringing my auntie's body to the cemetery already...

don't much wanna talk about my grandpa's death. I missed watching him give him his last breath because I was sleeping at home -.- he died in the morning, I suppose I was so tired from staying up with my mum to watch him at the hospital the previous night I wanted to sleep in. but that was the single most selfish, stupid thing I've ever done in my entire life. I'm not even kidding.

I hate that feeling of helplessness you get when you watch a dead body being lowered into the ground, all wrapped in white.. you're torn between wanting to run to the men and slap them so hard to stop them lowering it into the ground, and staying put where you are to pay your respects silently and read them a prayer and pray for God's mercy when they face Him in the afterlife.. it makes your heart kinda disappear for a while, and your stomach's twisted in a thousand dead knots, your eyes sting from crying too much. you want to do something but you can't. what can you do? they're gone, they're never coming back. even though you're hoping against hope that somehow they'll spring back to life and shout "don't bury me alive!"

sigh. well. He takes back what is rightfully His. no one can tell Him not to do it. but it still hurts all the same. I know I'm not supposed to cry at a wake. it's a mark of how far you can accept His will if you don't cry, especially so if it's a loved one's wake. it hurts damn bad. it makes me wish momentarily that He made everyone immortal. but that would just be very wrong. only He's immortal. I guess you think up of all kinds of irrational things when you can't deal with loss. -.-

pretty intense post.. think I should go now. bye (:

posted by aney @ 7:49 PM 0 Comments

Found my way to the highway, I don't wanna tell you the state I'm in
I've had too much to smoke, too much to drink, where have I been?
I feel like the stars are getting closer and the sky is closing in
And I don't know where to begin

We're all looking for something, to take away the pain

Me, and you, and my medication
(Making the best of it)
Love is just a chemical creation
(Will it be permanent?)
Synthetic sensation
Me, you, and my medication

The way back to the right track, maybe you can help me find the door
Is it too much to ask, too much too fast, too much to ignore?
It feels like your body's getting closer but you seem so far away
Medicine make it ok

We're all looking for someone, to take away the pain

Me, and you, and my medication
(Making the best of it)
Love is just a chemical creation
(Will it be permanent?)
Synthetic sensation
Me, you, and my medication

So can you feel it?
Do you feel it coming down?
You gotta get up
Can you get up off the ground?
Can you hear it?
Can you hear me screaming?
So can you feel it?
Do you feel it coming down?
You gotta get up
Can you get up off the ground?
I wanna hear it
Wanna hear you breathing

We're all addicted to something, that takes away the pain

Me, and you, and my medication
(Making the best of it)
Love is just a chemical creation
(Will it be permanent?)
Synthetic sensation
Me, you, and my medication

me you and my medication- boys like girls.

was raving to khaliq online about how awesomely awesome this song is, and his only reaction was "medication? ee. emo." I tell you I really wanna accidentally step on his foot while I'm wearing stilettos one day. :x

..if I ever wear stilettos in my life. haha.

I won't deny that the medication part kinda makes it sound emo, as in those wrist-cutting, pill-downing, won't-get-a-stinking-haircut-to-save-their-life emo fags... but really if you look past that. the song doesn't have those cut-yourself-to-death and I-hate-the-world kind of vibes.

the dude's just aching cos his heart broken. which is something we all go through, one way or another. he's dazed, he doesn't really know what he's doing, but as long as he gets as far away from the pain as possible it's fine by him. that really got to me, honestly. just realized that when you're in that much pain, you feel like you're dazed, like your heart's just been whacked around in your ribcage like a baseball is whacked around in a baseball game.

I guess part of it's because you're already numbed to the pain, but when it hits you again, you never see it coming, so you're just dazed to find the familiar sensation eclipsing whatever joy might have had just a while ago.

don't know why I feel so akin with martin or whoever it is that wrote this song, it's not like I've felt that kind of pain before. oh wait. I have. hmmmmmmm. just this year, the first time. I was so shocked, I felt like.. you know what it must feel like to have your memory wiped out? well it felt just like that, except it wasn't my memory that was wiped out temporarily, it was all emotion and sentiment I felt like I had and ever will have, being wiped out.

oooooo what a gloomy post this has been. I better go now. bye guys.

posted by aney @ 12:33 AM 0 Comments

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away

crush. david archuleta. you'll always have a special place in my heart, no matter what.

posted by aney @ 6:38 PM 0 Comments

what a dreary night. ): it makes me feel like I'm diseased or something, not having a single funny bone in my body right now. sucks.

well, in other more important news, boys like girls performed here yesterday--AND I DIDN'T GO. ): I promised myself I'd go, I mean I've been a fan of them since sec2, even before they went mainstream! that would mean close to three years that I've been a fan of them. AH. and now I have to wait for don't know how long more before I can ever get a CHANCE to see them perform. SHIT.

don't even ask why. I'm not even gonna talk about why, it still pisses me off to no end. ):

they better come for singfest next year! if not I'm gonna commit suicide. but if they DO come for singfest next year (:D!) I'll use alllllll my hari raya money to buy singfest tickets. I DONT CARE, I WILL. ):

okay I'll stop whining now, and I'll move on. oh god I hate mugging ): my brain hurts so much right now, ah. ..eh so much for stop whining. -.-

fasting month is here! and with that I hope I can get more out of praying and fasting than just pahala. after all, it isn't just about pahala is it? there has to be more to it than just reciting verses in a foreign language that I don't even understand. I need to find a way to make Him real to me. I want to feel Him in my bones everywhere I go. I need that as my anchor, especially in rjc. I really really really want to feeeeeel his presence wherever I am.

maybe it says something that I can't do that. then in that case I've got even more reason to do whatever it takes so I can do that!

the question is, how? I don't know who I can ask about this. I can't ask my ustazah, she'll probably just tell me I should go for the wednesday night syarahans. and then I'll sit there listening to some ustat or ustazah talking in a condescending manner about how everyone who doesn't pray or fast will burn in hell forever. which isn't anything I don't know.

I can't ask my parents, I'm too scared to ask them. if I sat down with my dad to talk to him about this he'll probably turn it into an hour-long lecture about ustats who do nothing all day but sit and count their prayer beads, and then check their Rolex watches and go home in their flashy red BMWs. which btw, I think is an overgeneralization, but don't tell dad I said that. he'd be so furious. and I don't wanna get into a debate about this.

can't ask my friends. don't think they really think about this kind of thing. or maybe I'm just underestimating them. but even if they do, I don't know anyone whom I'm comfortable enough to talk about this to.

I think I'll ask my cousin. she's the only one I know who's open to me about this kind of stuff. I need someone who won't judge me, and who can give me a sensible wise and encouraging answer. and if there's anyone I know who's wise beyond her years, it's my cousin, and I love her to death. and I'm not just saying that, honestly I do, she's the best sister ever.

but i don't think I treasure her as much as I should. that seems to be my disease with the people that I love. that, and not knowing how to show that I really care.

...and that will open up a whole new array of topics for discussion. the most obvious one being.. well. the impression that I don't care about my friends.

this goes out to everyone I call my friends and who calls me their friend as well. I may not know what to say in certain situations, I may not give the best advice ever in the world, and I may not be comfortable with saying 'I love you' to individual boys and girls unless it's absolutely necessary. with girls it just seems frigging gay and with guys, it's just weird. unless I'm joking.

I know I'm not the nicest friend you'll ever know, but if there's one thing that you have to be sure about me, is that I care for my friends. I love them a whole lot, and don't you ever dare shortchange me just because I don't show it as much as others do. pisses me off to think people would see me that way, because that's just utter bullshit.

alright i guess I'll stop here, i won't stop otherwise, haha. cya guys

and btw, if this post has been in any way even minutely offensive to anyone, I apologize, it's just what I think. I may be wrong, and if I am, hopefully I'll learn, but right now, that's my opinion, and I don't mean to piss anyone off by it. I know I'll piss some of you off, just please don't rigorously pursue the topic if you see me in real life or on msn and want to lob off my head for it. don't mean any harm! just please respect my opinion and keep your opinions to yourself. I'd appreciate that. I mean that's what I'd do if I were you. really. (:

posted by aney @ 9:23 PM 0 Comments