tonight
aiyo.
too many people reading this thing ready. as in too many people I don't want reading it. I think I'm gonna switch to lj soon.
yea, again. but I'm gonna friendslock it this time. and well, lj doesn't really have much of a cool layout thing going. which is fine by me, because I don't really want to be concerned with layouts when all I want to do is speak my mind freely and just do whatever I want.
anyway. I'm depressed tonight. because I think I'm disgusting. ): I feel like curling up into a ball and locking myself in my room and crawling under the sheets and just lying there. I don't wanna cry, in fact I don't feel sad at all, but I'm just.... I don't know. disgusted la, aiya.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. but I don't wanna bother anyone, because it's quite stupid actually... even though it's been on my mind for the whole of this past week.
I gotta wonder, though, exactly how true it is when people say I shouldn't worry too much because there's nothing lacking in me. no matter how many times people say it, I still can't completely believe it. because I just don't see it.
cos tonight, I just see so many damn imperfections in me, and it sucks.
OKAY ENOUGH OF THIS STUPID MISERY. FUGGIN PATHETIC LA, STOP IT MAN. ITS NOT THAT BAD SIAL. I WILL CHEER MYSELF UP IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO... before I sleep. hahahaa.
kay I think I found my antidote. yep i did! james morrison :) goodnight world.
have no fear for giving in, have no fear for giving over, you better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than to never say what you need to say againyou know I can't hold on much longer. be my guest, tell me what I want to hear.
wow I'm dead tired right now... I don't even have the energy for ihist anymore, I'm not gonna bother putting in effort, just anyhow do la. the worst that could happen is that he's gonna think me incompetent, which I really don't care about right now. sialah damn tired man. ): my head spinning like crazy la
I feel murderous a lot more of the time now than I did last year. which is sad, but strangely something that I have no desire to change. apparently, I look the part too, which i realize can't be good, but again, I don't care :) almost like I'm bearing a grudge against the world for no particular reason, and only my friends and family are excluded from the viciousness of it.
maybe I'm just angry that I have to repeat the whole cycle again, of mugging and doing homework and having to give a shit about my grades... sometimes it feels like it makes no difference to the person that I am whether I get a fuckin A or not. and come to think of it, it really doesn't. but well, it makes difference to university admission officers, and that really sucks.
if it weren't for that, I wouldn't care so much. -.-
k that's all folks tata
never miss a beat.
I kicked a guy's shoe on purpose today, how fun. :) I mean it, I'm not being sarcastic! he was irritating me because I was at starbucks and I wanted to get my caramel frappe and he was in my way, and he purposely blocked it, and then he asked me what's my name. WHAT THE SHIT?!
I told him my name's aminah. first thing that came to mind. I mean, it's like, who the hell is this random mat and why is he so fucking irritating? okay I'll play along. then MAT = aMINAH right. so ya la. he believed it, and moved aside, which is all I really wanted.
and then he asked me which school I'm from, and I had half a mind to say ITE, because I wasn't wearing sch u. but then Mr Cute Barista gave me my Cfrappe and so I had to go. so I kicked his shoe la. then he was like "adui" and I shrugged and walked away wahahaa the look on his face was priceless :)
I'm dead tired, man. I didn't even do much studying today. just went to the library for a while to study econs. and then went home after about an hour..
I am too lazy to study tonight. no sirree, I'm notttt in the mood to be making notes right now, and as for math... math is just horrible. I don't understand a single bit of vectors.
I think I'll go sleep now :) nights.
ohyeah one more thing. someone asked me why I'm so rebellious towards my dad. haha. erm well because he's unreasonable sometimes and it really pisses me off, some of the things he does. typical father-daughter riff kinda stuff.
but hey I'm not that bad a kiddo. I listen more to my mum than to my dad, because my mum is the voice of reason. and I would definitely prefer to be talked to like an adult, even punished like an adult, instead of like a small child. plus mum just GETS me sometimes. I love her man. :)
the confusing & the confused
just got back from an open house. cny mah. got invited to a family friend's place for free food and fun :) haha but seriously, I had a really good time. it was weird at first cos well what am I doing, at some chinese person's house pretending like I celebrate cny in the first place, but people were so nice and we fit right in. haha.
made a lot of new friends! um 7, to be exact! haha. :) all around my age. we played games and stuff and though it was the first time I ever met all of them, they were so warm. I think I can safely say this is the best cny I've ever had! yay.
oo and I bumped into carmee lim at the house. omgosh I was so surprised! she looks just like she did when she came for ak concert a few years back. okay, maybe just a bit older. but duh right.
anyway. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I think my parents were keen to leave because tmr is a school day. not that I care, because I'll still turn in late when I get home, but you know parents. -.- lame that way.
tmr is a new day! a new SCHOOL day, to be exact. sighhh. that brings up the question, what have I been doing these past few days? I basically had a lot of fun! which I feel guilty for because I wanted to study, not all four days but still.
friday- whiled the time away, can't rmb how. I think it was a movie marathon.
saturday- ubin and subsequently gramma's place
sunday- malaysia (ayer hitam to be exact?)
monday- sentosa
tuesday- ubin (yeah AGAIN, don't ask) and then open house
ubin, malaysia, and sentosa. I am definitely more tanned. well actually maybe not that definite, I really have not scrutinised myself in the mirror because I don't dare. so I'll just placate myself and try and think I've not gotten even darker than I originally was. T_T
the thing about being sunburnt is that it's nice when you have slightly red skin, because um it's a nice change? but it's NOT nice when you get darker....... hmmm does that make sense? hahaha
yeah okay, so next up I have a confession.
I'm actually looking forward to school tmr! what is WRONG with me?!
I mean I can't wait to get back into the rhythm of things and basically just throw myself into j2 life in all its hecticness(?) and everything because um because I don't know lah. it's nice to be busy. I would prefer to be busy 3/4 of the time rather than have so much free time... busy meaning not with like cca and whatever, but more to do with studies.
that paragraph just screameedddd mugger, gosh. ohwell hahaha
you know something, I'm already planning what I wanna do after alevels. too much forward planning? haha. well it's sort of like an incentive for me. because I would only give myself that 'reward' of actually going through with that stuff if I'm completely convinced I've given alevels my 271 percent or something hahaha
....
sometimes I wonder if I should just stop caring so much about other people, because you know sometimes it doesn't seem like they'd do the same thing for me, or for that matter, it doesn't seem like they appreciate me most of the time anyways. maybe I care too much? I try to please everyone I know, I try to make everyone happy but I can't do that. I cannot please everyone and no matter how hard I try someone ends up feeling left out or something, and I hate that. but I try and change and then someone ELSE starts to resent it, and I'm left here thinking what the hell these people want from me...
if it might not seem like it, I am struggling to find the person I really am. who am I? I have no idea. I have bits and pieces of me, but not everything. and I really wanna know that person, which is exactly what I'm trying do right now.
listen, I love all my friends and I really wish I could cut myself into bits sometimes and give one bit to each friend so they'd never feel less of a friend than I actually consider them to be. ugh. of course, that's impossible. but what I'm trying to say is that. it is tough, finding the person you really are when you have to worry about what your own friends would think, would want you to do the moment they see changes in you.
so if I'm changing, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. you're free to tell me you don't like it, but I may or may not change because I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be the person you want me to be, I want to be the person I am, whether you like it or not.
...
don't expect you guys would 100% understand all that stuff I just said. it makes perfect sense to me, and if it doesn't to you, well tough titty. good for you if you get it, I'm not gonna bother explaining further.
I expect I'll really think some more before I sleep. gosh, I need to talk to someone about this. tmr is a new day. tmr I'm seeing my friends. tmr I will talk to someone about this. hopefully.
and today has been tiring, but really fun, and I don't regret anything about today. :)
LG. life's good 8D
spent a little time these past few days to figure out a new playlist for when I get my mp4 player back from my dad, and it's been great! I LOVE MAMBO NUMBER FIVEEEEEEEE :D
my three fave songs of the whole list are
1. say- john mayer
2. when the children cry- white lion
the second song made me cry! I loveeeeee ittttt :) and there's only two songs in the world that have ever made me cry before.
past few days have been great! life just seems so cool and nice and awesome right now:) I've been spending most of my time going out, and only about 1/4 of it studying. heh. but I don't regret it!
I went to ubin on saturday and spent most of the day there. needless to say I got sunburnt hahaha my face was really quite red, but the strange thing is that I was there from 10 in the morning all the way till about 4 in the afternoon but I was nowhere near as tired as if you were to make me run 4 rounds around the field ): in fact I wasn't tired even the slightest bit!
I love cycling I really really really do! WOO! especially at ubin. I normally cycle ahead and leave everyone behind, because I like that feeling of being alone when I'm cycling, it's just pure bliss! you can just really soak up the tranquility of it all. it's extremely therapeutic for me :)
yesterday went off to malaysia! to my granduncle's house. and I discovered that genius is in my genes :) won't elaborate, hahaha. cos I don't think I'm supposed to. anyway my mum reminded me yesterday that I got an A in math at the end of sec4. SO I CAN DO IT AGAIN :)
but yknow malaysia mats are really something else.... and I don't mean that in a good way. haha. I was at jusco and then there was this mat who did that beckoning thing with the index finger. AND HE BLEW A KISS.
ERM. OKAY MISTER PERV. HOW BOUT YOU KISS MY ASS INSTEAD. my favourite spot to be kissed at hahahaha
my mum wanted to buy me dresses. erm NONO. I don't wear dresses! my dad expressed his horror at my wanting to be a tomboy. wahahaha well TOUGH TITTY. he brought me up on hot wheel cars and military tanks instead of polly pockets and barbie dolls. anyway I like myself just the way I am.
okay I'm going off to sentosa bye :D
okay, I'm still feeling dejected. so I shall talk about something happier.
happytreefriends? HM. nahhhhh. how gay.
friends. friends make me happy. hahaha.
okay I'll never stop talking if I start. I'll just think :) loveya!
bothered
why, oh why, must I ponder things so much? I've been so angsty and moody and just plain angry these past few days, for no reason at all. no particular reason, actually. pms? I hope so.
I'm keeping so many things to myself recently. as in, secrets. alright, maybe not secrets. thoughts. because obviously secrets are meant to be kept to yourself right. I'm going to burst soon. I should really talk about it to someone. after all, I am an ENFP. and that means I deal with problems by talking them out.
I just thought it'd be a nice change not to let everything out once in a while. it sucks, okay. I don't wanna talk about whatever's bugging me and yet I don't want it bothering me that much at the same time. what bullshit?! THEN TALK ABOUT IT LAH GIRL
but I don't wanna talk about it! I'll never see the end of it!
but would you rather not talk and mope around and pretend everything's fine, or would you rather blurt everything out like. like a really bad case of diarrhoea... and then feel much better after that.
(and now I'm talking to myself, awesome)
I've been trying and trying and trying to resolve things myself, which is what some people do, and it seems to work for them. but I can't quite stop these two voices in my head from going at loggerheads with one another... argh. and when it gets too insane and too damn painful for my brain, I just stop and think, fuck it this is bullshit, I'm not gonna care
which obviously does not work. at least not for me.
LISTEN TO ME. I SOUND LIKE A FRICKING SCHIZOPHRENIACCCC.
(omg american idol is on. ohwell, simple indulgence can wait a while more)
but really I am very very bothered by a lot of stuff. studies, my dad, my heart, my lack of maturity, and then sometimes I feel like this speck of dust going down the corridor. just, like my presence is inconsequential and insignificant in every way.. what the heck. where did that come from. ah but mostly it's studies and my heart.
I feel like I'm that dust that's kicked up when a car zooms off into the distance.. left behind. yup, most definitely. in every way, actually. because I'm behind in my studies, I'm obviously lagging behind in terms of securing that special someone, I'm a bit behind in terms of thinking maturely... bloody hell. why so serious.....
actually, I am being serious, it's just that I haven't realized that that's what I've been feeling like, so it's coming as pretty much of a shock to me right now aiyoh
which is why, tonight, I will just voluntarily vomit out all this shit inside of me, and swear as much as I want, because God knows, I need to do this...
I need to be alone la, shit. house is so damn noisy now, walao.
well at least there's a bright side in all of this.. mum. gosh. despite the fact that her voice is currently stabbing my ear right now, because she's nagging my brother and her voice carries all the way down the hall into the living room, where I am right now. she's had a calming effect on me this past week, I don't really know why. it gives me a kind of soothing comfort to talk to her about life. phew. thanks, Man, I really need that...
ALRIGHT. now before I doze off, which I'm pretty sure I will, soon, I shall do what I wanted to do initially. ha. bye.
and despite all the angst-ridden complaints and contemplations, on a very much happier note. happy cny guys, haha :) have a good time, can't wait to see yall again.
got a case of love bipolar,
i'm in no mood to do work right now. I would, if I could be bothered. but the only thing I have set my mind to doing is econs essay outline, and I found the entire answer nicely printed out for me in my econs essay book. awesome prorsum.
as for maths... I have no clue. none, whatsoever. so help me God. -.-
this is only the second week of school, yet I feel as though it's been so gruelling I'm extremely exhausted, even though I know my schedule is nothing like some of my friends'. maybe it's because I stay back in school practically every day, to study and to wait for my brother. who normally ends quite late, at 6+
there's pe tmr... damn. I'm in no mood for anything physical. couldn't we just do something cute like playing ice and water? HAHA OR WHACKO. -.-
well.. it hasn't been easy playing dumb. keep seeing that face in front of me and it has the same effect every time. it's majorly frustrating. I know why I am so far gone, but it still irks me... I don't understand why it must be him. well I do, actually. but... I don't know! I've never taken so long just to get over somebody. it sucks bigtime. BIGGGGGGG TIME. just because, I don't like it. I like to think I'm in control of the situation when it comes to falling for people.
cos I know, and i think almost everyone close enough to me knows too, that I fall for people quite easily. so I have to move on fast every time I decide that's enough. (wow how superficial does that sound, shit)
yeah well... the thing is that I could have a billion different crushes, in quick succession. but I only ever fall deeply, like super horrible disgustingly wonderfully deeply, once in a blue moon.
OKAY. BACK TO SANITY TMR. back to treating you like you never were someone special to me. ohwell. at least the good news is that I think it's working pretty well. have to keep working at this...
and then it all goes back to the question, AM I ATTACHED?
actually no it doesn't, just that something happened which brought that question to light, and since I really wanna get this over and done with, and also because I couldn't think of a subtle way to say it, also because it's highly disturbing that people are questioning it,
I am not attached. I just have a really good guy friend, and I know that sounds like a convenient excuse, but seriously. seeeeeeeeriously... aiyo.
and then I also doubt, no, I'm extremely convicted of the fact that I'm not gonna BE attached any time soon.
I mean
look at the guys in school. seriously. HAHAHA. nah I'm kidding. partially. :P opps.
but in all honesty. I don't see anything awesome about me. not anything that's so special, anyway. argh. ):
today was a really weird day.
I'm lucky tmr only got one tutorial, don't need to prepare anything. damn shagged now, man.
today was also the first time in my life that I got physically beaten by a guy other than my brother or my dad! haha qiwen smacked my leg damn hard lah. it turned so freaking red at first. then after a while went away. haha I deserve it, I've been smacking guys since forever. hahaha. hey but it's fun. in a sadistic way. (x
still. I think I shouldn't sit with the guys during tutorials. I need 100% concentration and if I sit with the guys all I get is people talking nonsense in my ear. haha.
spent practically the whole afternoon studying. I wanna die. I suck at math, and I don't understand econs, and well. basically that's it. haha. it's really horrible that math is not something that you can sit down, stare at, read over and over again, and just get it. or maybe it's just me. HAHAHA. really though, wish math was more like history. not always easy to understand, but STILL very much understandable.
anyhow that's the main reason I'm damn shagged. I need to get back into study mode. the mode that I was in at the start of last year. and then subsequently slipped out of... hahaha. I need to be able to sit down and go at it for six hours straight (with toilet and 7eleven breaks, of course)!
afters went home with my bro, who was having german class. I really felt like a zombie while walking towards the bus stop. geez. and that wasn't even six hours. ...or 12, which is what I think people normally clock once Alevels looms dangerously close.
anyway the most extraordinary thing happened on the way home! haha okay I wouldn't call it extraordinary lah, actually. just that it's so damn unexpected it had the effect of brightening me up.
so I was going home, thinking about maths tuition and econs tuition, and then my thoughts drifted to someplace else, and basically I was just feeling like a piece of shit because thinking of that certain someone makes me pissed off and weak-hearted and worried and depressed and strangely, REALLLLLYYY strangely, happy, in a weird sort of way..
you know that kind of mood where you're not really thinking and you're just staring out into space and seeing the people and places pass by, but not really noticing anything? I get into that mood when I'm damn tired, and today I was like that on 156. haha.
bus stopped outside cjc, and then there was these three mats sitting at the bus stop and I just stared and stared at them relentlessly, for no reason at all. and I think they were starting to get freaked out. then one of them smiled and held out his hand, and did that gesture that li ki did when she said "like a dungbeetle" and I completely cracked upppp hahahaha. and so did his friends, it was damn funny.
strange, man. just a simple thing like that, makes me feel so much better... hahaha.
OMG I JUST FELL ASLEEP IN FRONT OF THE LAPTOP OH SHIZ HOW TO DO MATH D: D: D: HOW TO STAY UP TO WATCH OBAMA'S INAUGURATION (did I spell it right? -.-)
STOP. IMITATING. ME!!!
hey mister, there's thing, it's called getting a life. you should really get one instead of pretending to have one.
-
okay moving on.
got so many burning questions I wish they'd be answered. I sit in the room and I feel like I'm being cleansed, almost like I'm being forgiven, just for being in class here. I wonder if He knows how I feel right now. of course he does.... I long for my questions to be answered by someone who won't judge me and ask me why I'm asking such questions. I am stubborn when it comes to getting my opinions swayed. don't have that many opinions, but when I do it's difficult to get me to change my mind.. I won't stop until I'm completely convinced. Forgive me.
tgif
whoahhh... today was really one heck of a day man. I just got back. it's 10pm now. phwooh. ): damn tired, but I must say the day was well spent! been one of the fun-est days in school yet.
geepee first thing in the morning, oh joy. it was irritating. then it was er econs ahem sexy econs. amusing shit, lol. then it was... pe! OMG PE. was horrible... after two months of no physical straining whatsoever, we were made to run three rounds round the track, sian like nobody's business man. ):
oh yea I finally achieved my desired height of 160cm :) WOOH. I grew 1cm and now I'm at a nice number. my psle score minus 100 sia.
and if I'm not making any sense at all tonight, you will excuse me, I'm pretty darn shagged.
anyway after pe it was break. geez I tell you, the stupid new j1s can be quite irritating sometimes. erm that's an understatement.... because I somehow feel the need to tone down just a little bit. also because I know people from their batch who are nothing close to irritating, so.
lit, was erm dry. but what else could you expect from a book like pride and prejudice. then ihist. damn funny someone said something about the room being hot and cold and then we all broke out into the chorus of Hot n Cold by Katy Perry hahaha.
and the rest of the lesson was spent making a lot of jokes with diwei and saying opps lots of times and getting irritated by jonlim and his "I knew that!"s and laughing at somebody's animal sounds and well generally talking so much nonsense it was hysterical. last lesson on friday, expected behaviour I guess haha.
afters went out to watch movie with mr3 and a bunch of other mr people.. the changeling. it's quite good, actually. I thot it'd be boring but it's not. makes you think. which is nice. and erm I screamed, really loud. at this part where there was a murder scene and this guy was wielding an axe and making sashimi out of some poor kid and there was blood splattering all over the place...
it is embarrassing how i tend to scream at the most unlikely times during a movie. I watched AvP last year and I screamed. that was along with anthea, who promptly flung half a bucketful of popcorn all over me out of shock (she screamed at the same time haha).
I watched wanted last year too and I screamed, because the suspense was killing me and suddenly someone burst out of the shadows (I HATE THOSE SCENES).
and then this time it was because some random kid had flashbacks and the image of that guy wielding an axe and being splattered with blood just appeared out of nowhere and it was totally unexpected. and I screamed, so loud that to lan was like "who screamed? was that you, ani? it was damn loud!" erggggggggh hahaha. embarrassing man.
and I think I screamed when I watched tropic thunder too. erm which is actually a comedy. see what I meann. ): tropic thunder was m18 btw haha but we just sneaked into the cinema when nobody was looking, after being directed to another cinema because of our HSM3 tix. -.- hsm3?!
afters had dinner with everyone who was there and who was in my og. which was basically just christian, guang yu, benlee, gabbyteo, to lan and me. had so much fun talking with them. we talked about everything from girlfriends to being innocent to marrying to NS to pimps and sluts to erm.... oral sex. haha. don't get me wrong, we were just talking about somebody in school who'd done it before.. not like we were discussing tips and techniques HAHAHA.
and it made me realize I know very little of the people in rj. probably because I've never taken much notice of who's who in rj in the first place. erm besides who the council heads are, who the housecapts are, who the high-profile ones are, and er yea that's more or less it lor. lol. I don't really care haha.
anyway it was really nice hanging out with my ogmates. I really really miss them and I still remember those nights we spent at j8's open space beside haagen dazs after orientation last year. and of course orientation itself, especially onite. my og talks alot of crap, hahaha. we went one whole round telling each other who's our eye candy and/or crush haha. I had a great time laughing my ass off, haven't laughed like that in ages :)
and I realize I'm not willing to share with anyone anymore about matters of the heart. it's easier for me that way, I get to keep it to myself and at the same time I don't have to answer any "why?"s. -.-
aight I'm falling asleep now man, it's only 10:30 sheesh.
it occurs to me that I should sound less like a dumbass and more of a thinking fully functioning being when I talk to him, honestly, what's wrong with my brain, it's depressing sometimes. -.-
actually I know perfectly well what's wrong with my brain. it doesn't classify him as anyone normal so I find it particularly hard to talk to him, it makes me panic instead. and that is really REALLY dumb, I should really stop that! >:( okay I'm doing it less, but still......
I am NOT gonna continue letting myself act like that to ANY guy, that is so... typical. ergh.
done for the night, turning in. it's 11:50, not bad ah! hahaha considering I started doing my work at 10pm, in front of the ps3 some more lol :P
haha I'm currently doing my ihist outline in front of the ps3. as highly inconducive (?) as it sounds, I'm quite surprised that I'm able to concentrate haha. oh btw I'm not the one playing the damn ps3, duh. -.- that would be physically impossible..
anyway I'm afraid my outline won't be of 100% preparation, I lost my islamic fundamentalism notes, and as much as I'd like to admit that I know enough of my own religion to provide all the answers that I need, I can't say so. I wish they'd have gona into that in madrasah. that would be infinitely more interesting than learning about mmm let's say religious wars. haha. just my opinion.
anyway it's gonna be a late night. ): still have gp to do. just because I'm the fricking group leader I have to do all the gp hmk. lerr. sad life.
ohwell.
I cut my hair a few days ago! erm not to sound conceited or whatever, but everyone's been telling me it's really nice and stuff and honestly it weirds me out.. I can't take that many compliments at once, you have no idea how weird it makes me feel!! hahaha. I like it, I love it even, because it's damn convenient for me since I don't have to worry about it being messy anymore.. but other than that it's not quite so special. haha.
lol anyway it's really fun playing with it. act cool ah.
back to religious fundamentalism.
I can't find it in me to hate you, after all I think you're quite nice when you want to be nice. but at the same time I refuse to say I love you. time heals all wounds. as paramore put it, if only time could fly like a dove...
though it
is quite disturbing the way you look at me sometimes, it really freaks me out you know that.
you know, I really do have something against homework. it bites... i know it's needed, but I still have this huge bias against it. haha. strangely enough the strange bias doesn't apply to mugging. O.o
maybe cos I consider mugging an infinitely more worthwhile thing to do than homework. gr. -.-
hahaha. I can't believe I'm so headstrong. I think it's gonna come back and bite me in the ass some day if I don't control it. but for now it's fun.
I think I'm gonna get a white slip tmr. somebody seems pissed man. well, white slip then white slip lor. it's my first ever in my entire rj life so far it's not gonna kill me since I'm such an angel
HAHAHA.
well. I'm so bent on doing math math math and more math that I might just neglect my other subjects. and THAT, is a big nono. -.- history needs mugging, econs needs understanding, lit needs practice and gp... needs skeeeeeelz.
think that's my weakness when it comes to mugging. har. I always mug something way too hard that I neglect everything else. which sucks. and is something I have to overcome!
that said, something to look forward to this week: iceskating this friday :)
I went window shopping today. escaped from open house. queenstown is a GREAT place to get jerseys. gosh. I think I'm getting an FCB jersey soon, seeing as I already have an FCB beanie. not that I have any real affiliation to any specific soccer club. but if I'm gonna buy their merchandise I have to at least be consistent right?
sigh... term one is when I'm gonna let myself go do what I want once in a while. because when term 2 starts that's not gonna happen anymore. ): life is tough!
i grow weak-kneed at the mere mention of math, ew this really truly sucks to the core
but I need to snap out of ittttttttt. there's other things to worry about! like uh gp, and lit, and econs, and history. oh that's everything.
if I can't do math, I'll go and read my gp infopack right now, that will restore some of my spirit back, at least it's something i can UNDERSTAND with no problems at all -.-
...I have something
against doing hmk, no matter what subject. mugging I don't mind, but doing hmk I really mind, I don't know why, it's so weird.
I am soooooooo worried for my maths right now, omg seriously okay I don't think I've ever been more worried for any other subject ever in my entire life, even chem can't beat this. in fact I was never really worried for chem -.-
really I am so fucking worried I could cry, and I'm not even kidding, I'm tearing okay shit.
I'm horrrrrrrrible at maths and dropping to h1 is not an option. I went for some overseas education fair last weekend and it's seriously scary, the cutoff points are so freaking high. I needdddd every single point I can get, every single A that there is to get. shit. and I
know I'm better than h1, I mean no offense to everyone taking h1 math but I CAN'T DROP! I
know, I just
know, that I can do it and get that A at the end of the day despite everything... call it blind faith, I'm inclined to call it high self-esteem (:P) but I'm gonna need all the help I can GET!
which means. I need TUITION! and I need individual tuition. but it's so damn ex you know, it's like 600bucks a month, and my dad doesn't it wanna pay.. which means. HOW WILL I GET BETTER?! don't even talk about getting an A, how the fuck am I supposed to passsssssss. I mean it's one thing to say I'm willing to give my all and do whatever it takes, but I can't do this aloneeeeeeeee, I need HELP, GOOD help.
I definitely am going to ask that new teacher for consultations but how many consultations can I expect, man. at my current level of understanding, if I had my way, I'd have 4 consultations a week, each lasting an hour.
it's seriously stressing me out lahhhh. shit man... but I have to find a way. somehow, I have to. I want that A so badddddd. I know I can do it and I'm not gonna let
anything stop me.
God help me, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. -
that said, time to cheer myself up. wenqiang says my blog is super emo now, haha. well man. I'm sorry, but there's really not much that goes on in my life that's so interesting.
and.... I've got nothing more to say. I can't stop thinking about math. I'm currently doing math right now, and I'm that close to ripping my hair out. and this is just P&C. not even complicated shit like binomial expansion or summation or shit like that. ah.
LIFE JUST SUCKS RIGHT NOW, I'LL JUST LET MYSELF THINK THAT THE WHOLE NIGHT. ):
this is just the reason why my dad and I don't get along.
he got pissed at me over a fucking stapler! no, I'm not kidding you, a fucking stapler! just because I put in a different drawer from the one he puts it he gets pissed and he says he'll fucking beat me like a cow.
THEN he starts accusing me of taking away his pens. HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHERE THE BLOODY HELL HE PUT ALL HIS PENS, I'VE GOT MY OWN BLOODY PENS WHY THE HELL SHOULD I USE HIS?!?!?!?!?! and he says I'm lying, that I'm denying everything
WHY WOULD I DENY EVERYTHING?! to escape a beating? I don't particularly care anymore. he can threaten me all he wants, I'm not gonna change. "change" in this case simply because he's infinitely tidier with his things than I am with mine. what a stupid fucking reason to be scared of him.
you are the only one who would know what I was talking about, if I poured my heart and soul out to you right this moment, heaven knows I need to do that. and I know you wouldn't judge me even if you were paid to.
I just wish I could do all that, I wish things were so so different.
because that's the way it goes
I want to run away. to some place safe, where they'll never find me unless I want them to, somewhere silent and tranquil, where I can let my thoughts become the ceaseless stinging ringing within my head.
I want to be told I am loved, I want to be told that I deserve to be loved, I want to stop believing that I am a worthless blip only because you make it seem so, and I want to do something right just so I can show you I'm not that worthless blip, but I don't want to give you the satisfaction, and I wonder why I am so headstrong.
my only remedy is listening to daddy's little girl by quietdrive. pathetic.
one of those days I feel like I'm losing faith in humanity. for selfish reasons.
but. it's okay. I won't think about it. the more I think about it the more I get trapped. and that's stupid. I know my turn will come some day, and when that day comes, I'll be the happiest girl on earth.
meanwhile.
you are an unwanted intrusion. I don't like the way you invade my mind this way. get. out. one question though. why did you even try if you don't think I'm worth it. am I just a happy pawn for you to use as you please because you know. I don't like being used.
I should never have gotten involved. I know I was gonna get into a whole lotta shit, but for you it seemed like it didn't matter. I mean I thought you were worth the time. well. apparently not.
school's starting 4 days!!!!
.. life is tough.
for serious
ew, I feel like a stinky mess now.. just got back from a run. wait, I don't
feel like a stinky mess, I
am a stinky mess. -.-
haven't got much to blog about.. except that I don't want the school year to officially start this coming monday.. then again you'd have to be mad to eagerly await j2 life. either that, or really,
really, motivated. crazily motivated. -.-
aight, have to do lit now. sucks to homework man. sucks. to. homework. times like this I really wish I could just grow up to be a tai-tai with no further ambition in life than the next guess bag sale.. any takers??? hahaha...
catch that running nose!
hi I got a new phone! :D
and normally I wouldn't announce it to the whole wide world but I am beyond ecstasicism. I don't know how to spell that word. oh wait. it isn't a word. the noun is ecstasy. -.-
I BET YOU DIDN'T THINK OF THAT EITHER?! er. or not. :D
anyways. it's an lg secret! I LOVE IT! :D it's a bit laggy, justttttt abit, but I love it all the same! it's got really cute games. and really cute tone sounds :D awesome prorsum!
oh btw that's my new favourite phrase awesome prorsum! you know, cos of burberry prorsum and stuff. :D not that I actually admire it, because I don't know what it's about in the first place, beyond knowing it's a clothing line? with lots of coats I think.....
I actually googled it, to prove how authentic I am, though really there's no need to prove :D and I only found one stupid result under awesome prorsum. and therefore I am 100% cool, and by the end of the first school term people will be catching on to it like crazy, I mean of course, I came up with it. HAHA xD
besides, it's SO MUCH COOLER than saying "awesome possum"! what the shit man, possums aren't awesome! they're ugly and they have scary eyes! which aren't even as cute as bugsy's from bedtime stories. and by the way, I googled possum too, because I can't possibly rely on my limited knowledge of what a possum looks like from ice age 2.
anyway yes back to the phone.
it's got this awesome motion sensor game which is called "magic ball" and basically you ask a yes or no question and you give the phone a shake and it gives you a yes or no answer. hahaha
"I'm hot, right?" "be honest and ask again." (my brother's only question, he got quite dispirited)
"I'm wicked smart, right?" "NO.."
"___ doesn't really have a big **** right?" "very doubtful"
"will I ever get married? "go for it!"
HAHAHA it's damn fun :D it's good for people like me who like to suan other people :D
in all honesty though, do try your best not to take offence if I suan you a lot or if it seems a bit insensitive, I get carried away sometimes, and really the more I suan you, the more it means I treasure you and love you as my friend:) if that brings you comfort. :D if not, well.
OPPS?
in other news, I got through half of pride and prejudice! and will attempt to reach 3/4 by tonight :) wish me luck. I'LL NEED LOTS..............to even get to, well, whatever fraction is between 1/2 and 3/4.
yes indeed I do take h2 math!
okay off to explore my phone bye :)
haha my brother's in 1q! >.< I find that very amusing. I missed his first day of school today, because I couldn't wake up in the morning. it's such an ungodly hour that I still am not used to okay? I kind of regret it now, because I haven't seen him in those shorts hahaha. I can't imagine him wearing shorts! it's like he's too small for them or something.
ermmm no I was referring to overall height, not anything else. -.-
well. I am (visibly?) proud of him! (:
and then. I have got nothing more to say. today is such a laze-about day and I take joy in the fact that other non-jc people have got to go to school already while I still have one week left to go.
whoopdeedoo.
ONE MORE THING.... pride and prejudice is such an insufferable bore!! I know I've mentioned it before but still. I'd much rather be learning something of more substance. -.- the only character I like in the book is elizabeth bennet, for obvious reasons..
alright I'm off to laze about some more. bye.
