I am completely broke. you know, broke. I now have only 4 bucks to spend for the rest of the week. how completely awesome. and this is the list of things that I have to buy. well have/want to buy.
1. new bag! ($50) 2. billabong wallet ($30) 3. new trucker cap ($19??) 4. new shoes! ($60)
haha well good luck to me. (: I think I'll only strike everything off the list at the end of the year >< but hokay! let's start scrimping now. or is it scrumping. screw it. SAVING :D
moving on... after so long, you'd think I would've gotten over it, right? forgotten about it. but no, I can't get rid of him so easily. I cannot just flush all thoughts of him out of my mind. don't get me wrong, when I think about him, I keep seeing that face he gave me that night and my stomach just gives this entire lumbering somersault and my lunch just feels like it's gone halfway up my throat again. I haven't the slightest idea why I feel so disgusted every time I see his face, he never did anything to me, I just feel like the horrible-est person on earth for not being able to reciprocate his feelings. but I really do simply just appreciate him as my friend and there's nothing I can do about that, I can't turn my feelings around out of nowhere. I would rather be dead than have to be with someone out of guilt. there is somebody else that I would love to give my whole heart to but I just can't, not just yet, because I don't know him that well yet. how could I be with someone against my will, when every inch of me is calling out to that someone who doesn't even know it? it does not make sense, and yet I still feel like a piece of shit, because I couldn't give him what he wanted, and I really really hate disappointing my own friends.
well. that being said. he really, really has no idea at all. he is clueless! in fact I do believe he's the most clueless guy I've ever met when it comes to girls. sometimes I don't know why I like him, but that's the thing that makes me laugh when I think about him. he's so completely oblivious to the way he made my heart beat so fast it kinda felt like it was overheating. to the way he makes me sick with joy. to the way I secretly love it when he watches me from afar. even if I'm probably just being delusional because why me, out of so many people in the crowd. to the way he can lift my spirits up just by smiling at me. I swear, when he does that, allllll that shit that's happened to me throughout the day just disintegrates into thin air.
the best part? he isn't even someone who's a jock, a metro, or simply just hot. he's none of those (actually he's pretty much quite dorky) and yet he still blows my mind. pretty unique, I say. awesome, even.
aye today I'm gonna be showing off to everyone what WONDERFUL AWESOME GORGEOUS friends I have. hehe :P
disclaimer: damn image-heavy
disclaimer : please just excuse everyone's fuglyness. be understanding, yo. YOU THINK YOU VERY HOT AH. haha. just kidding (: wow, I'm really being super random. T_T
YI NING!
econs lecture: s'why we're being so dumb. LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS BRAINPOWER??
HAHA bert and aaron! it was VERY VERY gay when bert did it in real life hahaha. T'rueloveskiss FTW! speaking of which, I MISS MY OGGGGGGGGG D:
ZEE MISTAH EVIL LOOK >:)
SENTOSAAA!
attempt at being seductive? did it WORK! hmmmm I wonder
(if you look closely, in the background, the guy in white's giving us a damn weird look xD)
<333333333333333 you peopleee. (: (: (:
alright! haha i was just randomly going through my pics and stuff in my phone and I came across this video I took while I was still at rg. one of the few things that makes me think about the good things about that place :P
ohwell! haha next post I'm going to post up videos. :D now I'm off to watch hard gay :D BYE!
today. let's talk about anger. I'm gonna make myself look like 1) a freaking asshole and 2) a bloody idiot in this post because. I think I'm a bloody idiot for not being able to control my own anger.
this is what I used to do when I was little and I got pissed at something/someone.
1. take a random exercise book, which is completely empty, start tearing out all the pages one by one, rip each page to shreds (literally) and throw them all around my room
.... only to painfully have to pick it all up on my own later
2. be extremely rude. and I mean VERY rude, for that age.
3. ask, WHY CANNOT?!
this is what I do NOW, when I get pissed at something/someone.
1. be very rude to people that I love
2. get a really strong urge to kick/punch something
I did, at the start of the year. I kicked the wall in the toilet at home (of all things) and I pulled my a muscle, in the process, very smart.
3. be VERY VERY vulgar (my f-word count isn't as bad as some people I know, but still very bad)
4. clench my fists until my palm hurts and the muscles in my fingers feel so strained that they're gonna stop working some day
and the list goes on. well the real reason why I'm even doing this is cos most of the time, I don't get pissed off enough to do all those things above. but when I do get pissed off enough to do them, I just do it and I don't care about the repercussions, and it's extremely horrible and so unbecoming of a girl.
normally I wouldn't give two shits about whether the way I act is very ladylike or girly or 'proper' (i hate that word. don't ever tell me to be proper! can tell me to do it properly, but do NOT NOT NOT tell me that's not what proper girls do, I will hate you for the rest of my life) but in this case it hurts the people that I love and no matter how much it helps to 'vent my anger' it's not nice to take it out on them, even if I just want to let it all out.
I really really love my friends and family and I hope I never hurt them irreparably, in any way at all. even if my taking out my anger on them hurts them just a little, I better damn well care! if I say I love them, I should LOVE them, not HURT them.
SO! I SHOULD REALLY LEARN TO TONE DOWN THE ANGER, MAN.
and YOU: YES YOU, THE READER. THE ONE WHO'S STARING AT THESE WORDS. YOU YOU YOU EUI. if you're here, it means you care about me right! (:D) that prolly means i care about you. or you know what, you don't care also, nemind. I still care. if I've ever hurt you by being saying/doing something when I was pissed, I really am very sorry. and I will do my best to change.
haha well CTS ARE OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :D :D :D :D :D :D
and promos in three months time
here's a breakdown of how all my papers went! I'm quite happy that I worked my butt off for it, even if I may have screwed up some of them
monday: ECONS! well needless to say, I'm gonna fail, since when have I ever passed?? T_T
tuesday: HISTORY! haha history is hopefully gonna be okay. ihist was screwed up--I only wrote one piece of paper! one and a half pages! oh how AWESOME! but you know why, cos I didn't really mug as hard for ihist as much as I mugged for seahist. so I gave myself 1 hr for seahist half an hour for ihist haha awesome (x but my seahist was better lah. I spent ONE WHOLE DAY on the JO! you guys can guess which question I did, huh? xD
wednesday: MATH! well math was better than I expected. I wouldn't actually say it was okay, but I think I'm gonna at least get a C! if not a B! (no D please) which is wayyyyyy better than I expected :D point is, I'll be happy if I can pass. that was my target for everything, actually--to pass. considering I only had like about 1.5 weeks mugging time not including weekends.
thursday (today): LIT! haha my othello was screwed up! I only wrote one piece of paper again, cos I didn't know what the heck to write about. but then my donne was better than I expected, haha, I made it quite structured, and to me it made sense, so hopefully it'll make sense to the marker also! please let me pass lit ):
seems like my expectations were quite low. haha yeah I had to. my mugging was super screwed up, I just mugged the basics... cos really didn't have time lah. what with the lit trip and all that.. sigh. cannot like that anymore for promos.
die sia I really must ace promos! wahlehws. cannot slack anymore. I really must mug like every day or something. but ayeeee I don't want to be a mugger, you know. I hate muggers. T_T sigh. the things you do to get good grades..
targets for promos! lols ihist: B+/A seahist: A! math: A! econs: PASS lit: B for both h1 paper and elective gp: B/B+!
yeps. I wanna be a good student this year. :) well cya! happy partying people haha
everyday I patiently wait feeling like a fool but I do anyway nothing can feel as sweet and as real as knowing I wasn't waiting in vain
maybe- jay sean.
so tell me, am I waiting in vain? if you promise to listen, I'll tell you a secret: I've already fallen for you, maybe you know that, maybe you don't. I didn't tell a lot of people.. I'm not letting myself go all the way for you. I want to, I really really do. tell me, is there any reason why I should? am I supposed to believe what I see in your eyes when you look at me from afar? it's not that I don't see you. I don't want to get hurt again. those three words, I've said too often. I'm not saying them again just because I want to. gimme a reason to fall truly, madly, deeply, and I promise I will. semper fi...
I'm not making this easy for you, am I? I am sorry. I just don't want to fall for a pretence again. I know you're nothing like the one I used to love. just let yourself go.. forget all your insecurities, forget everything, and just be yourself. I'd appreciate that more than anything else in the world. like jojo said it:
I think I could like you but I keep holding back cause I can't seem to tell if you're fiction or fact show me you can laugh show me you can cry show me who you really are deep down inside
check it outttt. stairway to heaven- ledzep. one of my fave songs of all time. seriously. by my fave non-modern band, haha. well I define non-modern as anything before the time I was born. and anything that my dad listens to :P
anyway, that's stairway to heaven on gh3. expert! guy's pretty pro--the chords are quite insane once you get past the start of the song. I wish I could do that. I can't even get past the third stage of expert on gh3 T_T for that matter, I can't get even past the second last stage of hard. number of the beast- iron maiden just kills me, honestly. I can't even play the main riff. damn hard ahhhh. D:
....I WANT TO PLAY GH3 T_T
it's okay, girl, it's okay. cts end on thurs! breatheeeeeee (:
ohyeah here's a verse from stairway to heaven. really nice. i likeeeee.
There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure And you know sometimes words have two meanings In a tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven
ps: you really have got to stop talking to the air around me. I'm really getting very frustrated. dude, I'm here, I'm right in front of you! why are you avoiding eye contact with me?? I really don't get it, what's so scary about me that gets you so fricking jittery??! you should see yourself when you talk to me... I swear, you talk to the air beside me, you talk to your shoes, you talk to your phone when you're sms-ing someone, you even literally talk to the wall. YOU BLOODY TALK TO EVERYTHING BUT ME! hey am I sort of like hard to see here? ): tell me, I really wanna know. why, do I have a third eye on my forehead that I somehow seem to have missed after 16+ years??
you know you have this constipated look every time I say hi and you say hi back. what the hell's the matter?? oh geeeeeeez. I don't like you that way, if that's what you're even thinking... D:
I don't know, I really don't know, I think I'm overstepping the boundaries here by even saying that last sentence.. the point is, I'm not invisible, okay? the last time I checked, I was a fully intangible, 3-dimensional, functioning human being. don't pretend I'm invisible when I'm right, here. sighhhhh. )):
FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS IS ON 987! :D :D :D :D :D
if you don't know what that means, it means 987 aired their single! 987fm! perfect 10! WOOH FTSK's MAKING IT BIG YAW :D sigh but I wish they kept more of their old sound. they're sort of so punk rock now. not really different from say.. cartel. or all time low.
here's their new single! it's called whoa oh (me vs everyone). give it a listen, it won't hurt, I promise it's not half bad 8D
yep so that's their new sound i guess. I kinda miss their old sound. like I said. they used to have this funky sound.. sort of techno-ish but not so techno-ish.. half techno-not-so-techno, half punkish rock. which is really damned cool, if you ask me 8D hey don't get me wrong, the only thing I hate more than techno is new age music, and there's another genre that I hate actually, but never mind that.
this is the FTSK that i fell in love with. haha enjoy! (: it's called I Don't Know About You But I Came To Dance. ohyeah and you might wanna turn your speakers down? I don't know, up to you.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE. just because they're both youtube videos up there (imeem sucks), I'll put another one up just for fun. 8D i love this guy
hehehehehehe
ok that was random. haha k back to history! bubbyeeeee!
GEEZZZZ lah you guys. why does everyone keep saying "I'm SO screwed BEYOND BELIEF for CTS, OMG OMG OMG. O-M-FREAKING-G. I'm gonna die. shut up I'm more screwed than YOU aightss!" guys you sound like this is a frigging contest to see who can get most screwed up for cts, SHADDDDDDUPPPPPP!!!! %$(&^&%$*@ why not leave it at this: we're ALL screwed up for cts, just a matter of varying degrees of screwedup-ness. CAN! that way, we'll all KNOW that we're all screwed up, but we won't have to DO stupid things like convincing each other we're more screwed up than THEY are. even if it might be true. I DONT CARE ANYMORE. CAN JUST SHUT UP AND DO YOUR BEST NOT? SCREW UP PUN SCREW UP LA, STILL GOT PROMOS WHAT! ITS NOT THE END OF THE FRIGGING WORLDDDDDDD. lerr. STEP seh korang
-
dammit I find that I keep giving the wrong impression. whether it's love, or when people see me but don't talk to me, or if it's studies.
love--drop a hint that I DON'T like him, to the person that I like/am starting to like. when it's justtttt starting to work out! as in we're both getting to click very well. and we're just basically getting along quite well. then I drop the hint and then he gets the message and by the time I realize that hey I really like this guy, I can't let him go just like that. he already thinks I don't like him. when I DO. I DO I DO I DO. T.T and I can't exactly jump in front of him and go HEY MAN I THINK YOU'RE THE BOMB, WILL YOU PLEASE BE MY BOYFRIEND or some shit like that. and we haven't been close long enough to talk face-to-face about liking each other so it gets kinda screwed up, actually freaking screwed up. D: I'm sorry dude. s. for being an idiot. wish I could tell you how I feel.
first impressions--aiyoh. apparently I give the impression that I'm a bimbo. and that I'm the sort of girl who only falls for hot guys. which is so not true. haha if you knew me well enough you'd know that's not true :P anyhow a classmate of mine thinks I look like a cheerleader (a FRICKIN CHEERLEADER!!! ?!?! uh no offence cheerleaders. it's more practical to go with the stereotypes here) and I'm completely disgusted. D: please don't say I look like a cheerleader. I have no intention of ever wanting to be in the same 3-mile radius of a pompom, please. T.T another friend of mine says that I'm an "all-rounder". which ain't true. haha. O.o WHY would it be true T.T check it, those two friends were both girls. I asked for a guy's opinion. he said I just look like I'm "fun". and not fun like haha! make me laugh! kinda fun you know, it's like HOHO. hurhur kind of "fun". sigh. nevermind. I quote: "and yes, a lil bit bimbotic" I DONT LIKE BIMBOS, YO. I NEVER HAVE. WHY WOULD I WANNA BE SOMETHING I DONT EVEN LIKE??? ):
studies--HAHA. this is the joke of the day! lots of new people I've met in school have labelled me a mugger. a MUGGER. HOHO, I say. HO FREAKING HO. that's just because I study more than you do! but that does NOT make me a mugger. MUGGERS, are people who study like their LIFE depends on it. they're people who study until got no life one eh. IS GNEEEEEISSS, I SAY. D: SO YOU SEE. ME NO MUGGER. ME PROUD THAT ME NO MUGGER. SMUG SMILE. aiya who cares lah. as long as everyone gets 5As for Alevels next year everyone should be happy with themselves okay!
that said, I honestly wanna do something more meaningful in my life. D: there's two things that I wanna do to this end. first is to pick up something like rock-climbing or learn wakeboarding or something, just some unconventional sport. the second is to join some meaningful youth organisation that's not just for show and actually do something I can be proud of. put my HEART into something, you know! and when I say put my heart into something, I don't mean the way the teachers mean it when they tell you to put your heart into your studies (they just mean put your ass into it), I mean c'mon. D: I mean, immerse myself in it--do it not because I have to, or not because I want to prove a point, but do it because I honestly want to, from the bottom of my heart. sigh.
don't you just feel like life is boring. meaningless. and therefore boring. I don't know, for me it does. I can force myself to just concentrate on my studies, I guess, but I'd get so absorbed, I'd become a workaholic before I can say 'nincompoop'. or before I even realize I've become a workaholic, that's even better. T.T I wanna find some way I can whole-heartedly help this world.
I hope I can find it before next year.. otherwise my whole life would just be studies. notes and tutorial assignments and term essays and lecture tests and tutorial tests and mounds and mounds of mugging... so mundane. I am more than just a sponge of information. I'm more than just a pretty little slip of paper saying I did well for my As. impressive, I guess (O.o) but it doesn't quite do it for me..
I'm gonna work towards having a full plate next year. make myself work things out. I need this. ugh. I need to know how to regulate myself and be disciplined.
ALRIGHT that's enough decision-making for one night, I'm tired, I'm turning in. :D ECONS IS DONE WOOH. AYEE BUT I'M STILL FAILING THE DARN THING. D: OKAY. IZ DEPREZZED NOW. WILL GO SLIT WRISTS NOW. BUAIIZX
HEY GUYS! well it's 11:30pm and I'm still mugging.. nothing new I guess. haha. I'm taking a break from econs.
I seem to have subconsciously decided to mug the hardest for econs haha. I mean I have no recollection whatsoever of consciously deciding on mugging econs until my ass drops off. I haven't even started on history and lit and yet I cannot let econs go. well good luck to me.. cts damn gg ready la. lucky it's only 15% sia T_T
well anyway! aiyoh. to be honest, I'm kinda getting irritated by people constantly asking me, whether it's on msn or in real life, or by sms, anything that has to do with mr longterm and why I rejected him and how come, cos you thought I really liked the guy, and he's real sweet and everything. sigh. okay I know the decision's kinda unexpected, but please. I don't really wanna think about it anymore. final answer: I've got my own reasons, alright? if you want, you can ask my close friends I guess, but don't ask me anymore, please? each time I explain why, it hurts. I really do not wanna think about hurting someone who doesn't even deserve to be hurt in the first fucking place. so please just gimme a break guys? ask anyone you think I'm close to if you even want to know why. just don't speculate and spread rumors or whatever okay? thanks.
I've had my fair share of rumours and lemme tell you it's not nice at all. especially when someone gets hurt in the process!!!
lol I'm sorry, just been a lil bit edgy the whole of today. ):
and I've got something else to say. apparently this year I have a self-defense mechanism that kicks in instantly when I realize I'm actually falling for someone and that someone else is falling for me. it just snaps on like that and I don't even think about what it makes me do until it's too late haha. I'll always end up squishing the guy's hopes. only to realize later that by squishing his hopes, I'm not actually doing myself a favour at all, because he leaves me alone once his hopes are squished.
and before you ask if I'm sure and if I'm only imagining things after it happened just once. it's already happened thrice. bad enough. time to make things right? I think so. well I'll try. haha.
AND. I'M. SORRY. to rectify all that.. well I don't expect whoever I hurt to completely pardon me.. but I hope it'll count for something. (eek okay haha bite the bullet! x) I am not obsessively in 'love' with anyone right now, and I doubt I will again, for a long time...hm. I have learnt my lesson. never fall for someone who's just simply hot but is just an empty shell. better to be with someone who might not be the dictionary definition of 'handsome' or anything (:P) but is charismatic, loves to joke around, no matter how lame (or not) his jokes might be, and most importantly, easy for you to hang with. (:
well I said my piece. I can only just sit and watch if anything happens. I hope it does. I don't wanna lose him.
aiyoh.. whole post damn drama leh. T_T okay whatevs I'm going back to econs now bye!
hey guys. wowwwww this is super cool. haha I'm outside right now, but I'm using wireless@sg to surf the net. well technically I'm not surfing the net, since I'm gonna start mugging after this.. I'm at woodlands library. but whatever. anyway this is SO. COOL.. 8D I always meant to sign up for an account but I never got around to doing it.
but I did this without my dad's permission so :P hope he takes it well. anyway it's already done, he can't do much about it, and it doesn't do much harm anyways. :D
alright well. I just wanted to say how cool this is. 8D now I can go to any wireless spot and konek to the internet hehehehe oops I meant connect :P (dont think you're gonna get it if you're not malay :D)
wells. few people asked me about yesterday's post.. asked me who the guy is and why I'm doing that to him and all that stuff. haha chill guys, I'm alright. haha really I am. it's just tough. I've never had to actually turn down someone I actually had feelings for. feels downright weird, you know? but.. well if he's not gonna change, I can't be with him. I want someone real.
ayeeeeee no more emo stuff. T_T I'll go mug now. bye :D
I don't know why I'm writing this here of all places, but I think it's because I'm hoping you'll see this and hopefully figure out that it's for you, so I won't have to tell it to you in real life, because I don't have the guts to. and I hate it when you get that look on your face, the one like you just proposed to the love of your life and she just rejected you. I don't wanna know that I'm capable of causing that kind of look on your face. I don't deserve that from you.
from you. you are the absolute sweetest guy I've ever come across. and I'm not just saying that to be nice. I'm giving you the credit you deserve, cos I don't think people appreciate you as much as they should be. you're a terrific friend and you really do know how to save my life, thank you, so much. I still remember that night when you told me that everything was gonna be alright. you did make everything alright, and for what it's worth, you made a difference and that really counts.
you know what, every time I think of you, I think of this flawless being. I know you're not flawless, but I really can't help it. to me, you will always have a golden heart, and you will always be the most pure-hearted boy I know.
and that is why I don't deserve you. I don't have it in me to be as responsible and dutiful as you are. somehow or other, I end up pissing someone off, be it my parents, my friends, or my teachers, or whoever else it is. and usually it's my fault. it's because of something I did. you would never be like that in a million years, I know you. it's impossible for anyone to be pissed off at you.
don't say you don't care, I know you do. and if we were together, I think we'd last forever, but I know I'm not the sort of girl your parents would like. if I'm thinking too far ahead, I'm sorry. with you it's hard not to think so far ahead. and think about it. I'd drag you down. you'd always be trying to pull me up but I don't see what I can give to you in return. I honestly don't see what I have to offer to you.
but I really wish you could change that part of you that shuts up whenever girls are around. have you ever thought, that maybe it doesn't matter that you don't look like a million bucks, or that you're not the perpetual centre of attention? most of us aren't, either, and we don't get thrown into one corner and completely ignored by the guys. I don't know, what is it about girls that just makes you clam up like that? it doesn't matter how you look or what you are or aren't, it's what's inside that counts. I couldn't give two shits if you looked like wade robson but you just couldn't get enough of yourself. it doesn't matttterrrrrr. I wish you'd see that. at least you'd have a fighting chance??
to me it really doesn't matter if you're the most perfect guy on earth but I can't hold a conversation with you for nuts. I'm sorry.. I don' know what to say. but really, I'm honestly sorry. ):
well, hello guys. (: once again. I was intending not to blog today, but screw that. I have to! today was horrible and extremely fun at the same time.
horrible because I was out the whole day (explanations unnecessary) and therefore didn't have any time to mug, unless you count four straight hours of math tuition? in which I slugged through tutorial 7. and I am just about to concede defeat. I've spent all my mugging time from thursday till today on math and I don't think it's gonna even help me get a B. please just let me pass. I will be discontent and then I will piss myself off so fiercely I will sit down at my desk and burn a hole through the bloody chair blazing through all my tutorials and tuition worksheets. I swear I will. not that I have much of a choice either. I haven't been working hard enough.
screw that. by the end of next week, I will have used up so much brainpower my brain will be shrivelled like the driest of the driest of the driest prunes.
...ohmigod I really don't wanna fail cts. even though it's only 15%. that lil bit still counts! but realistically speaking at this rate I'm gonna flunk history and econs (when have I ever passed this freaking thing). so it's up to lit and math to salvage the remains of my dignity! AGH.
alright. to put my mind of things... and to get yours off stressing too much about cts! here's a few jokes me and my bro came up with today. haha. see if it will help. though if you know me and my 'jokes' it'll probably worsen any headaches you currently have. :D
why does superman wear tights? because he has a big 'S'.
why doesn't osama like to read batman comics? because gotham city got ham. why did batman change his name when he migrated to las vegas? because he wanted to be known as BETman.
why the gamemaster scold the chicken which cheated? because the chicken played fowl.
why did the americans drop a bomb on hiroshima? because tokyo has ultraman.
what did the mat say when he visited macau? MAK KAU!
HAHAHAHAHAHA AINT I JUST AWESOME 8D 8D 8D haha okay I'll admit the last two ones were crap cos I was running out of ideas, but everything else was HILARIOUS RIGHT :D
haha okay I'll stop tormenting you. a few more pics before I do some john donne and then collapse.
hehe.
OH. right I almost forgot, everyone who responded about the last post, thank you (: well I haven't made my decision as yet. I still have to think about it. but the answer's pretty clear to me now. almost everyone told me the same thing.. you know what, let's leave this until after cts. until then, I won't be talking face-to-face to either of them. but yea thanks friends (: i love you guys alright? ^^ nights..
GUYS GUYS. i need your help. ): i need adviceeeeee.
would you choose someone you love for the short-term, although
a. it's forbidden love b. seems like he isn't as sweet as the other c. doesn't make you a better person like the other does
or
would you choose someone who loves you for the long-term? although
a. he has this "golden" perception of you and all that you are, and half of it is untrue b. you really don't feel like you deserve him cos he deserves someone who's got the same golden heart that he has, someone who's less capable of disappointing him.
please please help? if you guys are my friends.. I need your help. agh that sounds like an ultimatum. whatever, I'm just trying to plead here, haha :s
haha it would seem that I'm quite desperate to settle this, technically I'm publicly declaring this whole thing, which can't actually be good, but no one ever reads this thing besides my friends so I try not to think about it, cos I really am quite desperate. I have to get this settled! and I can't do it myself cos I get confused every time I try to make my own decision about this.
oh and please don't reply on my tagboard. haha. sms me.
fuck this is like a freaking sos why am I even doing this, I feel like a freaking billboard now. advertise for help! eeeeeeeeeeeee ):
I've got a slight fever/cold/flu, can't tell which. tell you a secret: I don't really know the difference. my nose is running so fast I can't catch it. hm. just for kicks, I shall have fun talking about my running nose.
my nose is running so fast, I think it's wearing nike shoes. my nose is running so fast, I can't catch it. my nose is running so fast, I can't stand it--I'm sitting down. my nose is running so fast, it just won an olympic gold medal. my nose is running so fast, it just flashed at, oops I mean past, me. my nose is running so fast, it didn't eat any food. (GET IT. FAST. HAHA.)
HAHA. that was fun! though admittedly, not funny at all. but FUN! fun's different from funny, no? :D :D :D
yea. but I do feel good, slightly! i just spent like 20+bucks on a present for my mum! :D and she seemed very happy about it (: which makes me glad. it's just that she doesn't like to show me when she's happy with me. unless she's overly happy with me, and that's normally when I do well for exams. hahaha.
yay. I got her a famousamos cookie box. -_- i know it sounds lame, but it was all I could think of! I got a 9-dollar card from kinokuniya too. haha. she doesn't really like presents--she never gives me anything on my birthday and she doesn't give anyone else presents either. but she gets a lot of presents from her friends. I mean colleagues.
yupz.
AND AND. obviously. I'm panicking over not being able to finish studying for cts ): just like most everyone is.
kk. I cannot stand this a minute longer. I know a lot of people don't understand why I keep having problems with my dad. and if you didn't know, and you just happen to be passing by, there, I said it. so now you don't have to find out from me, or worse from anyone else, when things go horribly wrong again. okay? geez.
I know everyone keeps telling me that I should cool down. that I should take constructive steps to rectify my relationship with my dad. but everything I do, only lasts temporarily. I can't understand why he has to be so unreasonable. he never tries to understand anything I do, or anything that happens in my life, or anything that goes on in my head. I don't think he considers it worth knowing, until something goes horribly wrong.
to him, everything in my life is frivolous. to him, everything I do, is meaningless. because I'm not reading some intellectual book, like he wants me to, because I'm not into architecture or 3D or designing, like he wants me to. he hates it when he gives me something that he thinks I should be interested in, and I completely don't take any interest in it. he gave me a book on how to set up my own virtual company on secondlife, I only read the first 6 pages and I got bored. he got so goddamn pissed. I'm not interested in it! what the hell do you want me to do about it!
apparently I don't know what to do my own life. apparently I don't care where my life goes as long as "everything turns out fine". if he only knew. it's true that I don't know what I wanna be when I grow up. I'm not one of the lucky few that gets to discover their lifelong ambition at an early age. but at least I know what direction I wanna take it in. I know what field I want to go into, but it's just that I don't have a specific title or post in my mind, because the field is just so varied.
when I tell that to his face, he doesn't believe me. he says I'm just going along with the herd mentality. and just because someone told him that students tend to pick that particular field because they think it's "cool". if you know me well enough you should know what it is. he says I do it because I wanna pretend like I'm like everyone else. hello, I didn't even know everyone else thought it was cool when I picked it. I thought it was the dorkiest thing ever! if everyone else wants to pick it because they think it's cool, then fine, that's their decision. but I'm sticking with mine, whether everyone suddenly decides to switch to something else at the last minute, or NOT.
and one more thing. I don't like people, no. I HATE, people imposing themselves on me. I'm completely disgusted at it. I respect that he has to draw the line somewhere, because he's my dad, that's what he's supposed to do, but the way he acts, it's like he thinks I don't know where to draw the line. hah. if he only knew, the number of times I've had to draw the line for myself this year alone. he treats me like a 7 year old who can't take care of herself. when I say I do, he says I don't, and he steps in, and he tells me to show him I can. I do it again, and he says I'm being rebellious.
when he scolds me, he expects me to be a snivelling mumbling fool standing in one corner being so terrified of him. I'm sixteen. I have a mind of my own. that kind of treatment doesn't FIT me anymore! he shouts at me to defend myself, and when I do, he says I'm being rebellious. so I have to shut up. which makes me hate him even more at that moment.
oh God. please tell me where I've gone wrong. I'll do anything to salvage my relationship with my father. any truce is only temporary. there's always something else that comes along my way. we're probably both at fault, I know it. all I ask is that You let me see how to be the daughter that he wants me to be, without having to compromise the daughter that I wanna be, as well. there is this wall between us when we talk now, because I can't understand him and he can't understand me. I want to go back to when things were so much simpler, so less complicated. I wish You could just magick away this wall, and I wish I could talk to him like he was a close friend. I know You can't do that, because that's up to me. but tell me how to do it. I need You. please help me. I love my dad. I know I should be thankful that I still have one, and I honestly feel like a git because I keep running into problems with him. I can't have that loving relationship with him that people who don't have dads anymore, want to have. it makes me feel like an idiot. there they are, trying to remember what kissing their dads felt like, what getting a huge from your dad meant. here I am, complaining about him. I'm not that ungrateful git. I need You to tell me what I should do. how I can help myself. I really really need You, allah. ):
HIIEEEEEEEEEE. I haven't been here for ages hehe. I just got back from the UK LIT TRIP 08! OMG. forget about missing two precious weeks of mugging time (AHHHH) but it was SO. SO. SO. SO. SO. SO. SO. (kay I think you get the point.) FUN!!!! I LOVE THE UK. it's feels so much more like a home than singapore does.
people are so goddamn friendly there. partly because they're so goddamn courteous. you could just talk to a random stranger and they'll normally be damn friendly towards you. there was this one time where I was in london, and it was free time. and we were on oxford street! me, yuhan, joanna, wenqiang, and jonchan. and we already got our lunch. (mine being vegetarian, was highly unsatisfactory D:) and we were outside the BBC building. YEAH THE BBC BUILDING. THE BBC BUILDING THAT BROADCASTS TO THE ENTIRE WORLD. (it's cool alright) and we asked this 60-year-old dude to help us take a picture outside it, and he started talking to us like he was our GUIDE, like for the entire tour. he was really helpful and started telling us stories about his great-grandfather and all that. and it's not just cos he's 60 years old and therefore senile, and therefore more likely to lapse into random stories about ancestry with random people on the streets. he was highly.. um. unsenile? the point is, he was really very friendly lah!
and then there's the other extreme... racism! haha. well. we were in some random town near oxford or something. small town. I can't rmb the name for the life of me. all these small small english towns have so many different complicated names, but they all somehow manage to end up sounding the same. I think they all end with -shire. like. yorkshire. or hampshire. worcestershire. (WORXESTERSHIRE WORX) ANYWAY! we were in some -shire. and we were heading back to the coach after walking around a bit. then there was this guy who was drunk, and he was hanging out with three girls. all dressed to show off their boobies. (I think) and he suddenly jumped in front of this guy called justin and he went like WAHH! like you know, the way sulley in monsters inc. scares little kids silly. and justin was so shocked! and then he got really affected. and he ran away. he runs damn fast, btw. and the guy was just like "is he okay? is he alright? he's FUCKING RUNNING! RUN FORREST!!" like it was so goddamn funny. urgh. what a git.
(I think that's my favourite word. picked it up from some random passerby I heard in UK. GIT! it's not pronounced, GIT. it's pronounced JIT. better than saying asshole all the time huh. GIT!) you know you've HIT the PITS when you've got a ZIT on your TIT, and a nasty spider BIT you when you SIT, and you just feel like a GIT. WHEE.
anyway. what else... oh yeah presents! I got presents for everyone. well everyone I care about anyway. okay not really. those I care about the most. my friends & family, dearest cousins, my class, and OF COURSE, MYSELF :D :D :D :D :D :D WAHAH unfortunately my class will have to wait until school reopens to get it. lol. if it's still intact. ;D hehe. no lahhhh just kidding. it will, I promise.
BTW I MISS ALL OF YOU PEEPS. EVERYONE FROM SCHOOL. ): A01C, T'RUELOVESKISS, all the other random dudes and dudettes. who are only "random" because they're not in my class or og and they're from all over the place and I can't exactly put them all down here. LOVE YOU GUYS. MISS YOU GUYS. and of course I miss someone more than others. ):
anyway (hm start counting the number of anyways in this post, 5 cents for each one. bet you'll get 50. cents, I mean -.-) I GOT TAKE THE LONDON UNDERGROUND! the one jason bourne takes in supremacy. HAHA. ohwell actually it's quite overrated lah. I think mrt is better, cos it's way more spacious and it's not so stuffy, and you don't feel like you're getting molested everytime you get squished in between two huge guys with huge fur coats, and the guy in front of you has got a hood that's so furry it's tickling your nose and it's not even funny. but the STATIONS are something else! not just the platforms, the stations! you get random bursts of wind as you hustle down the stairs, and there's people walking everywhere. EVERYWHERE! especially at the interchange stations. it's so easy to get lost. it's like a labyrinth. which makes it even cooler. then there'll be certain stations where there are buskers playing of all things ELECTRIC GUITAR, in a claustrophobic space like that, so the sound just bounces off the walls and it gets WAY WAY WAY amplified, but it's cool anyways. and there are the beggars! the first one I saw, I was so damn shocked, cos I was laughing with my friends then I turned the corner and the first thing I saw was this pathetic mess of a man huddled in a dark corner looking so dirty and humiliated and hungry and pained and sick and just so gross, and all that was in his begging cup was like, 30 pence or something. D: can't even buy a jacket potato with that! so I gave him 4 pounds. haha. yeahh I'm quite insane. but it was worth it, he was so thankful! :D anyway the coins were weighing down my wallet, so. whatevs. :D
I counted my coins at some point during the trip! and I had like 15 pounds worth of coins. eeks. :d lol.
london's awesome, though. I love trafalgar square, the area in front of st paul's cathedral, the tower on st paul's cathedral where you have to climb up 500plus steps I think (that's what the guide said if I can rmb correctly) unless you can pretend that you're suddenly crippled and go take the lift, covent garden, and the globe theatre. oxford street's quite overrated I think. it's just a shopping haven. unless you're a total shopping junkie you won't find it that interesting. in fact it's quite tiring walking up and down the street. the only england-y thing about oxford street is regent street. cos REGENT STREET'S ON MONOPOLY! so you can just go gawk at the road sign and say WOW. I'm on a real monopoly street. WOW. haha no lah, kidding.
ohyeah I think all the blonde english girls look the same and all the brunette english girls look the same. it's very weird. most of the time they're nice though. the blonde girls always look like they've got too much make up on (I think it's just me though) and the brunette girls always look like they're a bit too tanned for not-so-sunny england.
the weather was horrible on the first week. then it got better. it was worst in cambridge, I think. yeah we went and visited cambridge university. pretty quaint place. but it was FREEEEEEEEEZING lah. the most horrible thing is when the wind starts blowing. can just die, I tell you. and mind you, this is summer. I so cannot tahan temperate climates okay. ]: oh but I think we were getting winter weather in summer, cos of global warming and stuff. out of desperation, I bought myself a pair of gloves that say "england" and a beanie that says "FCB". even though I don't even watch football. heh. poseur.
AND WE WATCHED HAIRSPRAY THE MUSICALLLL! unfortunately the real actor who was acting the main male role was MIA or sth so they got some snotty-nosed fella to act as him. not as cute, but okay la. haha. HAIRSPRAY'S AWESOME! :D there was one scene where they had a GAY KISSING SCENE. KINKY MUCH. :D haha no lah not kinky everyone was like ewwwwww but it was hilarious anyways. cos the person acting as the main character's mother is actually a guy acting as a woman. hee2. picture that.
and there was also a gay kissing scene in a midsummer night's dream! we went to watch that at the globe theatre as well. ohman. FREAKING GAY PLEASE. it was so funnyyyy. this guy got molested, but it was all part of the play. haha. I wanna watch again lah. you can't get that kind of entertainment in singapore, cos everything will be censored. :X
OH YEAH. and we went for this ghost tour thing at warwick castle, which is this medieval castle lah. damn FUN! I was so scared at first, cos I new they were gonna just pop out of nowhere wearing horrible pale makeup and stuff. and I thought I was gonna be the first one to scream and get a shock the moment I stepped in the door, but NO! haha it was a GUY! HAHA. derek, lol. he was screaming all the way. hahaha. so was I, actually, but it's just more amusing cos he's a guy. and weiling lost her jacket in all the excitement. I thought I stepped on something lumpy along the way. turned out to be her jacket. I just thought it was carpet, you know with a little special effects to be more scarymansion-ish. haha. derek's face got caught on camera. it was hilarious lah hahaha.
we wanted to go to london dungeon but we didn't manage to. london dungeon's another scary thing. pretty cool. haha. but we didn't have time.
which reminds me! we went to harrods! OOH! haha. this world-renowned supermarket place, actually. we were all very noob. first thing we (we being me, ivy, stacey, vera and pang) was go to the foodhalls. it was like stepping into some GOLDEN FOOD HAVEN lah. (kay golden food haven sounds like the name of some corny chinese restaurant, but ohwell) and stepping into the chocolate and sweets section was like stepping into WILLY WONKA'S CHOCOLATE FACTORY. especially since all the cashiers were dressed like oompa loompas. quite cool. they sold the original jellybeans there, but it was so overpriced, as with everything there. it was like 6pounds for one tiny box of jellybeans ah, ohman. so we beat a hasty retreat and decided to do our shopping ALONG the street where harrods is. quite productive. me pang and vera went to have fish and chips at this overpriced restaurant. where the fish is like a tiny square, but the whole dish costs 10.25pounds. because we wanted so much to have a fancy lunch in england before we left. they took 20 minutes to serve us, but I must say the fish was quite nice despite its size, and the waitress was unbelievably kind. she said "thank you, VERY MUCH" every two seconds. pang challenged vera to say thank you before she did. vera didn't manage to. and in the end pang tipped her 10pence. ehk? but she said "you're VERY KIND." to which pang said she was suaning him like mad but I think that's part of her job description.
yeah... that's basically it lah. I LOVE ENGLAND. I LOVE JACKET POTATOES. I LOVE UNCENSORED PLAYS. I LOVE THE FRIENDLY BRITS. I LOVE THE ALWAYS-COLD WEATHER. DAMN I MISS THE UK ):
as for pics.. I'm currently uploading them. but only the ones with me in it. cos there are way more scenery pics than camwhore pics. though that's not to say the CAMWHORE PICS AREN'T SCENIC. HAHAHA GET IT GET IT SCENIC CAMWHORE PICS. HAHAHA. okay not funny. ohwell. I'm uploading them all into facebook, btw, so too bad if you don't have facebook! :D
