today is the last day of 2008, so it would seem appropriate that I think about new year's resolutions. obviously the most anticipated event would be alevels. ha. but I'll keep my goals to myself, thanks :)
before that. 2008 has passed by in a blur. It is undoubtedly the best school year in my teenage life, it's just as good as primary 5. Let's try and recollect the best parts of the year.. in no particular order,
1. having an awesome class--need I say more?
2. finally being in a school with boys, and falling hard for two different people whom you might say are polar opposites of one other..
I definitely came out of that experience having learnt my lesson. never fall for guys whom you regard as "different", just because they're not like everyone else. phooooey. still, it's a bit wondrous how I managed to fall for such different people. I mean, one is the sweetest boy ever, and the other, well, er. is just not as?
that said, it's nice hanging out with the guys sometimes. they can be such gentlemen when they want to. and I somehow feel like I don't quite have to be so guarded around them.
3. going to four countries in a year!
indonesia, malaysia, turkey, and the uk! my only regret is that I didn't take a lot of pictures in the UK. I'm so glad my parents eventually let me go for the trip, though! I made a bunch of friends and even nursed a crush on one of them >.> woops?
and turkey, ohman. I have never been to such a livelier country in my life! the people are so spritely and warm it's hard not to like them, though I bet derek might beg to differ if he ever reads this, haha. he thinks they're the complete opposite. no harm done, though. different people, different opinions!
one more word: fatih! :) never have I seen eyes green-er than his. sigh.
4. starting the year with a refreshed view of life
and I mean starting 2008, not 2009. after a nasty heartbreak in 2007 I somehow realized that insecurity is really something tricky, that it could pull a curtain over your eyes if you let it rule your life.
I was jealous of a lot of people back then. then I realized you just have to stop being envious of what other people have and stop seeing all the inadequacies in yourself, and start being confident about who you are. essentially, nobody can make you feel less than you really are unless you let them do it.
that certainly made things a lot easier, though I still have other personal demons to deal with nonetheless.
5. getting over asssssssssssssyyyyyyyyrafffffffff
this is greatly due to a heart-to-heart with one of my classmates. if somebody has a huge inferiority complex and refuses to see that your heart does not belong to anyone other than him and gets jealous because you talk and laugh with a particular cute guy a lot, ain't my fault I didn't see it coming.
and I'm probably stretching it here, but it's like when a loved one departs this earth. it's simply fate, and it's wrong for you to wish you could have been there to do something or say something to avoid it happening.
yep. so. 2009..
1. romance: whatever man. I'm leaving it up to Him.
(and I will do my very best, whatever it takes, to get over you, and forget about you, because you're not worth my time)
2. studies: work like nobody's business, like furiously hard, and I mean furioussssssss, like I've never worked my butt off before. ever. UNTIL I GET IT RIGHT! until I know I've maximised my potential. because I haven't done that the entire 2008 and because quite frankly EVERYONE NEEDS TO.
3. family: mmm... my relationship with my brother has never been better, honestly speaking. but I could still be a better sister. and. well. I grudgingly decide to be a better girl.
you fucking cunt I hope you fucking die and rot in hell fucking asshole
I don't know what the fuck I did wrong, what the fuck gives you the right to fucking scream your fucking ass off at people when you had a fucking bad day at work? GUESS WHAT EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS THEY JUST GET OVER IT
it is so unfair the way you think you can just take my stuff away from me like that! I fucking hate you but did you think I can't survive without what you take from me? I don't fucking care, I hate you, I'm gonna find ways to do what you thought I couldn't do anymore you asshole. just because you're an adult and you're the fucking man of the house everybody is supposed to run away and cower in front of you for fear of getting their asses kicked
when you stand in front of me and threaten to fucking punch my nose I wish I could just tell you to fuck yourself and go to hell and I say this with every bone in my body, I am so pissed off I can barely type right because my hands are shaking so fucking much. does it bring you joy watching me cry? does it bring you joy when my face is streaked with tears and snot and blood
FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. if I head a choice I would just run away tonight and never come back until you say sorry for thinking you can make the whole house go down on their knees just because you're the fucking man of the house. FUCK YOU. if there was a worse word than fuck, I would use it a million times because you fucking suck asshole.
malaysia was such a boreeeeeeeee. -.- I swear I had more fun on the road trips and in the hotel rooms talking shit with my cousins than doing the actual sightseeing and walking around and stuff like that.. AND I NORMALLY WOULD BE JUMPING OUT OF MY SKIN TO GET OUT OF THE HOTEL ROOM. -.-
the original plan was to go to an island resort, but it turned out to be virtually inaccessible because of flooding in the mainland near the docks area so my parents decided to go to malacca.
but we made a big big big mistake.. because m'sia was having a long weekend! which we weren't aware of.. so malacca was PACKED, even the dirty kampong-style beach chalets were infested with people ): we spent 7 hours! SEVEN! looking for a hotel (and I'm not even kidding) and eventually had to go all the way up to seremban which is an hour away from malacca and we got a hotel where all the ministers stay when they go seremban hahaha
at least the hotel was nice! the room was humongous lah. it had a king-sized bed and a huge desk and an even huger toilet, and three friggin cupboards and still there was enough walking space for an extra bed and three people to sleep on the floor. and when we opened the curtains the view was fantastic! could see the whole of seremban for miles around. awesome man. there were only three of us in the room, me and my two cousins :D
we talked so much shit we ended up sleeping at 4:30 in the morning heehee :D
I love breakfast buffets! pricey, but you gotta love an all-you-can-eattttt. there's so much to EAT! that you just keep loading your plate with food and stuff yourself silly. hahaha
and then we went putrajaya. DO NOT EVER GO TO PUTRAJAYA OKAY SERIOUSLY. IT'S FRIGGIN BORINGGGGGG. there's nothing there but nice buildings and clean streets and huge mosques and a million bridges and the prime minister's office. it's nice, but not a nice place to be in, you'll lose your mind of boredom I swear. -.- it's got very little to offer, in my opinion.
then we went to mines resort! which was better lah, but it was night so we didn't get to see much. we took the cruise and stared in awe at the six-star hotel and snapped pics of the lighted-up deco.. it's a pity we couldn't do more. ):
back to the hotel! breakfast buffet again! and then we went to KL! berjaya times square. WHICH IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST FOR KL. haha. really. if you don't know it, it's this huge complex with an indoor theme park and lots of retail space. the admission prices for the theme park are quite high. it's 43rm per person on public holidays. but it was worth it!
I forced my cousin to ride the hugeass rollercoaster with me and she screamed my name like nobody's business throughout the friggin ride, hahahahahaha. it was damn fun though! but one thing I will never do, is take the inverter ride. it's seriously scary lah! it's like the old cadbury inverter at escape, but MORE MONSTROUS and way more hardcore..
I LOVE ROLLERCOASTERS. and i miss the rollercoaster at genting man. ):
and one more thing... I swear if I ever need a confidence booster I'll go to malaysia okay. go figure. -.- I hate m'sia mats. -.-
currently addicted to the song I hate this part by PCD. I know, it was out a long time ago but I just got the feel of it. :)
anyway you know what, if I didn't know better I'd think I have a stalker. -.- haha no I'm kidding, he's not actually a stalker of course, he's an old crush of mine! IN PRIMARY SCHOOL, nonetheless... it is realllllly infuriating the way he keeps showing up at my void deck at that particular hour. I mean I have never spoken to him before, EVER. even in primary school.
at this juncture it would be evident that my only reason for crushing on him was because he's a stud. the kind who always has a posse following him around.
anyway he's been showing up there for three nights a row with his friends and he never fails to smirk at me and call out my name while he's at it. MY NAME. MY NAME?! I never even talked to the dude. and he knows my name? -.-
it's even more infuriating because every time he calls out to me he has to say something about my being in raffles. i mean, it's like, just FUCK OFF DAMMIT?!
on to more important news. I bought a cleo magazine today! haha. I regret spending 5bucks+ on that. it's just full of tips on beauty and sex and dating and at first I was looking at the pretty people inside and going man I wanna be as pretty as that. but then it gets pretty drab, don't you think? gross.
yesterday my cousin told me that it's not my fault I don't have a boyfriend. it isn't like no one's ever told me before, but it gets hard to believe without the cold hard facts.. I've got 3 years to find me one, she said, and it's fine that I don't have one now.. and that if things keep screwing up between me and a certain someone, it's because things aren't meant to be and that there's someone even better somewhere out there waiting for me.
I would like to put all my money on it and just go with blind faith but I don't really see what is so desirable about me. sure, there's random guys asking for my number on the street (believe me, it disgusts me more saying this than it disgusts you hearing it) but that doesn't count. it feels like I'm missing something sometimes, and I just haven't got enough spice, if you know I'm saying.
I would like to ask a particular guy friend what he thinks about me, a platonic friend, because I've asked similar things before, and yeah well, I've always been a little too frank for my own good. but I like it that way.
it all boils down to insecurity, I suppose, because I have never looked upon myself as someone who actually has a sparkling personality or an xfactor or something like that.
-.- how depressing. yesterday I managed to dispel all nasty thoughts from my mind with a nice cone of macadamia nut icecream from haagen dazs, but today it just keeps invading my thoughts persistently and I've just been sort of dazed the entire day.
sigh. life is tough. I'll get out of this phase, I know, but I'll fall into it again, and it's like a never-ending cycle. gosh.
I'll be gone from tmr evening until monday, on holiday! my final one before 2008 ends and I'll be condemned to a life of mugging, mugging and oh yea, more mugging. screw this man. -.-
right, so I've finally gotten down to studying.. my head is swimming with numbers and summation signs.. gross.
and I finally watched nick&norah's infinite playlist! I watched it alone, since it's so hard to pull my friends out from their caves. -.- and my demand for it is inelastic. regardless of the absence of complementary goods like popcorn and friends. ha, yeah it's not half bad, really. I mean, watching it alone. you should try it some time.
more importantly! for those of you who've watched it, I like the scene where they have sex. haha. nah, I'm kidding. I just am intrigued by the fact that their sex sounds were recorded, haha. wonder what became of it. O.o
next up.. twilight. I haven't watched it yet, don't suppose I'm gonna watch it. I mean I just don't get the idea of vampires existing today, much less falling in love with mortals. it's just absurd. maybe if they had hotter stars I'd go watch it, but I don't consider that robert dude hot, he's rather skinny in my opinion.
I'D RATHER WATCH YES MAN! :D jim carrey's just hilarious. gotta love him...
and in other news... I'm slightly surprised by myself. I haven't been wallowing in self-pity or misery or anything. maybe this is supposed to be bad, cos I don't really feel anything. cos maybe it hurts so much I'm numb. I don't know, I'm not gonna care. whatever it is, I've still got some time before school starts and I'm not gonna let some lousy guy get in my way of living my life.
I ATE AT SOFFRA YESTERDAY :) it's a turkish restaurant near suntec. I had lentil soup and turkish bread and turkish CHOCOLATE PUDDING. omg. heavenly, man. the moment I tasted the lentil soup I felt like transported back to turkey, to the restaurant at the first hotel we stayed at.. sigh. I miss the turks. the waiters were so damn friendly lah. and it wasn't because they were looking for tips.
had some interesting conversation over the food.. I had to pause and wonder what it is with smart girls and boys from that particular country. -.- a little disconcerting, I must say. geez.
oh yea and merry christmas to everyone who celebrates it :):)
just got screamed at by my mother. -.- I don't like it when she treats my past like a delectable piece of gossip and talks about it to other people. I would rather stay away from it than be reminded of it, and here she is hanging out my dirty laundry for all and sundry. geez.
I mean it's okay if she talks about like, the number of bookings I had, or my pathetic grades. at the very least, that stuff's got streetcred value.. and even that but not other stuff!
given, the people she talked to didn't judge me, but still. she never likes people to know that much about herself and there she was, right across the table from me, telling people we're barely getting to know about how much of a badass kid I used to be. damn.
well in other news... I was just cleaning out my cupboard the other day. loads of useless papers and files and letters and shit like that. but I found so many reminders of the past. fun shit! I forgot some stuff about myself, from the past. haha..
like I used to play comp games a lot in primary school. I found this list I made of the games I loved the most, it was so cool.. gta3 topped the list, haha. then it was sims, then unreal tournament, then cs. and there was even an old gta3 walkthrough under the list! flashbacks of frantically flipping through the pages going SHITSHITSHIT! when I didn't know how to finish the mission and I already had a fourstar wanted level. hahaha.
...kinda wonder why I don't play comp games now. I should. I miss playing unreal tournament lor.
then there was a bunch of letters I wrote, which I wanted to give to significant dudes in my life at whichever point in time. it was so so lame.. there was even one from this year. oldest one I found was sec2. haha. erm. maybe I shouldn't call it 'bunch' of letters. there were only four. haha. I didn't write the person I was writing it to, and I had a mighty good time figuring out which letter was meant for who. and I was like, "wtf.... why did I ever like them????"
next up. my sec4 chemistry performance task. hahaha. almost everyone in class failed that, I remember. I don't even understand whatever gibberish i submitted lor. i know it probably made a little sense at the time, just a little bit, because at least I didn't get a zero, or for that matter a one-digit number. it went something like "a suitable method of salt preparation is precipitation" and I'm like wuhhhhhhhhhhht??? hahaha and the ionic equation is completely alien to me. (x
(just to save my skin a little bit, I PASSED CHEM EVENTUALLY. best miracle I ever performed. haha.)
and thennnnn. I found an MOU! a Memorandum of Understanding. and this tiny paper which I never threw away, that had my name and a couple of other girls' names on it, asking us to go see some teacher who was supposed to set us straight. back in rg. it was weird... I kinda almost completely forgot about all the shit I got into back then. haha. like 10 million bookings, maybe, for coming to school late, a few random ones for things like no nametag and wearing jewellery. (either because I was wearing a necklace to school, or because I put a hairband around my neck after an angklung performance. haha.) apparently I was supposed to have 4 DCs! detention classes.. phew. haha. I only remember going for one.
and there was something about structured study as well! HAHA structured study. kind of a joke. I remember writing nonsense on a foolscap paper just so it would look like I was writing some kind of essay homework.. hahaha. damn idiotic man.
I know it was a hellhole when I was there, but I can't rmb the hellishness of it all now. not really, anw. it seems like sooooo so much has passed from the end of 2007 to the end of 2008... I read my blog entries from the start of this year the other day and I feel disgusted. like, damn fake. -.-
OH! oh. and I found a diary entry (I had like, tons of different diaries, cos I could never stick to one!) where I was raving about this older dude I used to crush at the start of the year. no prizes for guessing who he is, people.. -.- he punched my arm, like that guy thing guys like to do, and my friend said my face was seriously damn red. how gay.. even if I am a girl, and girls tend to blush more than guys. but ew. gayness.
sigh...
well. dirty laundry or not. my past is still my past and there's nothing I can do to get away from it. best to live in the now. forget all the shit that used to happen, forget how pathetic I used to feel when it happened, and just set my sights on the horizon and work towards it. nothing for it now!
I hereby declare my own independence. because from this day onwards
I am embarking on a self-imposed hiatus from being romantically involved with anything that has a willy attached to it.
here's why.
1. they're the most confusing things on earth. 2. I am tired of flirting, whether it's coming from me or from them or from both of us 3. I really do not need to fall for someone new 4. it would be nice to look at guys whom I perceive as being "different" as being just that, "different", instead of "special" 5. it's best for everyone 6. correction: it's best for me, it's not really best for them.
amendment: I am joking about no. 6, I'm not insane, with my luck it's probably the best thing to ever happen to them
as with all events, this one has a cause, undoubtedly, in this case, a boy. and because I've just finished two online conversations with two separate friends who happen to be boys, also because I can be this paranoid, the idiot who caused this thing, is someone I first met in january. so there. it's neither of the two online freaks.
heh. just kidding guys, you aren't freaks. I'm just in a foul mood, I suppose.
oh, and the hiatus lasts, optimistically, forever.
I have a horrible temper. I don't know how many people know this, but it's really horrible. I mean I don't get pissed off easily, but it's horrible when I really do get pissed off. I can't stop using expletives (more so than usual, I guess, ha) and my fists (or feet, choose one) just can't stay still. at my own and others' peril.
I lost my phone cos I was fuming once. haha, I was in the bus and I got a message that really ticked me off and I just cast my phone aside like it was getting consumed by like nanites or something. and I forgot to take it back. -.-
yeah well..
was looking at my dad's turkey pics just now, and man do I msis that place sia. -.- I want to be in turkeyyyy. ): I want to go back, to the beautiful people and their awesome friendliness and their ubercool hospitality, and the superdamnwicked culture and the reallyreallyreallyreallyreallytimesinfinity RIDICULOUSLY COOL PLACES.
ahhhhhhhhhh.
it's 6 hours behind, so it's like 3 in the afternoon there? wow that's early mannnn. i mean relatively. I could be in so many places at three in the afternoon. AHHHHHHHHH. there's so many places I wanna revisit, so many other places I haven't gone, and most of all, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY GODDAMN SNOW ):
oh yeah, and fatih with his coolass shades and his totally jamesbond (pierce brosnan, not daniel craig, ew) kickass features and his catgreen eyes and his weirddddd turkish-australian fusion accent. hahaha I miss him too! mainly because I've never seen a dude who can pull off looking like a jamesbond replica so seamlessly before, okay. given, brosnan's ancient by now, but I mean brosnan in his err early 30s fuiyoooo.
besides, he said he thinks I'm cute. HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN, EH? xD
because you don't want someone to love, you want someone to bolster your ego and make you think it's okay even if you suck at what you do. you want somebody that can make you feel strong again because you're too weak to do anything about it on your own.
I might just be saying this because I'm hurt, and because I'm angry, and these might just be words jumping out of my mouth, fuelled by frustration but I don't care. you're gone to me.
I'm currently camped out in front of the tv with mum and my grandma and my bro and my maid. laptop's on my lap. finally where it should be. on TOP of my LAP!
anyhow I'm not in the best of moods tonight. that's because I'm bummed out.
I swear I've never felt more jealous of anyone in my entire life before. honestly speaking. I have felt jealous of people before, I guess that's only normal. but really though. I never really wished I could be another person, not in the sense that I didn't want to be in another person's shoes.
this time, it's like, I can't help thinking, "why can't it be me?" it's like a longing to be in that person's shoes, and I feel horrible. I wish I could do what she can do.. I'm not gonna go much farther than that. kind of feel inferior to her? geez, I haven't felt inferior to anyone since like primary 3. -.- is downright weird..
I could match up, according to khaliq. just in a different way. really now? I don't see what's so special about me. just like any normal girl you wouldn't pay much attention to after the first glance.
I know what kind of person I don't want to be, and what kind of person I want to be, and I've been trying to live according to that. but just this once, I might be irrational, but I don't care. just this once, I wanna be someone else.
you know I've always been the kind of girl to follow her intuition more than anything else. most of the time, if I think about it too much instead of just doing what I instinctively wanted to do in the first place, I end up screwing things over. so I go with the gut feeling most of the time. worked out fine for me so far..
but even I have to admit that you can't always follow your intuition. gotta factor in practicality somewhere right... I just don't know what to think, okay. gut feeling pulling me one way, practicality pulling me another..
WHY'S LIFE GOTTA BE SO COMPLICATED, AH? -.- i'm not even trying hard to be this angsty right now, I AM. ANGSTY.
... phew. could use a good game right now. defuse. get my mind off things. speaking of which! i've been trying to get my dad to buy me the unreal tournament game for xboxxxx360. I wannttt. I used to be ace at unreal tournament! i'm not even kidding. now, er..... maybe not ace lah ah. ha.
AND I WANT GUITAR HERO WORLD TOUR. the songs on expert are that much harder to play on world tour than on gh3 or gh aerosmith, and this is just the guitar I'm talking about. haven't even tried the drums and vocals yet! HOOBOY.
but what I want most... I want my friends man. I want to get out and just have a good time! forget about everything. live in the moment. act like nothing's bothering me. just to go all out and have fun, man. is that too much to ask for? but everyone's busy.. ):
haha ohwell. at least I've got memories in the back of my mind to relive. :) lol.. I still remember talking about "furry balls" and licking boobs.. hahaha.
okay THIS is seriously the grossest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. honestly.
I mean if you're a freaking lesbo and you can't decide on being a man or a woman, you can't have the best of both worlds and choose to keep a vag and get a dick at the same time. that's cheating man! not to mention just plain gross.
it's different if you were born with both a vag and a dick, like a few people in the world were. that's not your fault, you didn't choose to be that way. but if you choose to gain another reproductive organ for your own benefit, just because you've got the people who can do that for you and the money to pay them for it, it's like you're mutating yourself for your own selfish desire.
it's not like wanting a child is such a selfish desire.. but for heaven's sake men were built for one thing and women for another. why can't we just keep it that way??
I hate it when you get so flirty sometimes. it irritates me. you aren't even being subtle about it, gosh you're irritating. >:(
well in other news. dad's having one of his raging fits again so the whole house is reduced to tiptoeing around like timid little mice. and I'm in a bitter mood because of that, though I refuse to let myself be in such a mood any longer... despite the fact that I'm listening to a morose song by foo fighters now.
I figure I should get a real favourite band, you know? I mean most of you probably know I really like boyslikegirls, but even I can't deny that they get old sometimes.. not to mention whiny and irritating. right now, foo fighters seems set to take that spot.. but we'll see. coldplay's pretty good too.
geez I'm really changing man, gosh. I used to hate coldplay, and I thought foo fighters were overrated..
anyway this is no good. I'm still feeling bitter!
you know recently I discovered my own personal surefire way to get out of a sour mood.. listening to right said fred's I'M TOO SEXY:D hey I'm serious. it's like, I'M TOO SEXY TO BE PISSED ABOUT THIS. SCREW IT.
I'm not really making much sense, am I? well screw that. :D I'm just writing the first thing that comes to mind.
today I just bummed around alot. went to the library for a while, borrowed a few books that had to do with psychology. so you can't say I'm making a total WASTE out of my holidays. I'm pursuing my interests! hahaha. right now I have this fascination with dreams. you know, subconscious vs. conscious mind. I personally find it fascinating!
dad recently bought me a DUMMY book! psychology for dummies HAHA. I haven't finished reading it. wow now that I think about it, my reading list for this holidays has suddenly exponentially increased. psycho books galore.. woohoo!
guess what. I finished reading the FIRST chapter of p&p! HONEST TO GOD, MAN. IT'S LIKE THERE'S NOTHING BETTER TO STUDY THAN P&P. I get it, jane austen's good and stuff.. but honestly I couldn't give a shit about a bunch of flighty girls running around trying to get boyfriends, and their honestly irritating mum who has this infernal need to be such an english ahma okay.
if someone did a singaporean version of p&p, I swear she'd be the ahma wearing like a cheongsam and waggling her finger at her daughter and going "gergerl ah, must marry a nice man hor.. must be handsome, must have good salary, must be able to be give me grandchildren!" GOSH. of all the fricking novels to choose, they choose an older version of gossip girl, but without the drugs and the beer.
best novel I ever studied was in sec4 man. handmaid's tale. free porno as well, somewhere in that book. if I remember correctly. I know we watched the film adaptation, and there was a part where the lady was naked and you can like totally see her tits in all their glory. haha.
okay yeah I'm done now. :) lol.
ohyeah I watched juno today. sweet sweet film. don't really get juno, as in the main character, but she's still admirable cos she's damn spunky and all that jazz. and apparently michael cera has nice legs. I can't tell you know, I seriously can't. they're just really white to me. for obvious reasons.
anyway this is my favourite line..
"look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do, is find a person that loves you for exactly what you are. good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty.. handsome.. what have you. the right person's still gonna think the sun shines out your ass. that's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
just so right man.. I love it. :)
on another note.. just surfing purevolume. most bands today are so faggot-y. like for real. have you seen what the lead singer of the academy is was wearing in the music video for about a girl? honestly. that top made him look like a girl... gosh. gotta give them props for the song, though. nice enough :)
some people have got all the luck in the world huh...
I swear sometimes I hear people talk about their lives, and I just can't help being jealous. it's like I want some of the things they have, you know? and I'm not talking about material possessions. I rarely get jealous of people for that.
I guess if you're good enough and if you know me well enough you can figure out what it is I want so much. I understand that I can't force it.. but just for once, I wish things would just work out for me the way it seems to work out for other people. I mean, it's just infinitely easier for them, and it's frustrating, because frankly they started later than I did, and they already got what they wanted. how long am I supposed to wait? I don't know if it's me, or whatever, but it hurts something awful, man.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever have a happy ending.. it isn't like I've not doubted it before, I have, countless times. but I'm really really questioning it right now. sucks, I hate it when I'm this kind of mood.
I guess all that's left to do is to just think about whatever I already have right now and just have faith that it'll all work out in the end. it's no use thinking about this kind of stuff, after all...
haha no la I'm really dividing my time between watching tv, listening to the offspring, blogging, downloading music, having 3 msn convos, reading a friend's blog, and... that's pretty much it. I'm waiting for mind your language to come on.
it's this really cool retro show on okto. don't know if I've ever talked about it here before. but anyway it's basically my family show, we just climb into my parents' bed and watch it together. and usually fall asleep right on cue when the show ends.
but nowadays there's more incentive for me to stay awake because I've taken to watching the show after that, which is allo allo. lots of dirty jokes, not really what my parents like, but that's the cool thing. I can make it my own! my favourite retro show from the 70s. well at least I think it was from the 70s HAHA.
... I hereby conclude that all the offspring songs sound like the lead singer's got something stuck up his nose. so sengau seh, the suara. not my taste. lol. I really couldn't care less if you're an offspring fan :D
well anyway I've got a new band interest! DANGER RADIO. their songs are really cute. kinda gay, but cute. clubbish, but still poprocky. ehh I like that word! POPROCKY! sounds like a word which would fit right in in mary poppins hoho
I'M OFF MIND YOUR LANGUAGE START READY :D
and if you're interested, you can check out danger radio at their purevolume site. HERE! give it a click. I love you. bye.
hellooo I just got back from the gym and I'm on my bed now resting my poor poor arms.. well however much resting that can be done by lying on my stomach with the laptop in front of me..
I can honestly say that I really really really need to work out a lot more man. I want to pass 2.4 lor. at the rate I'm going sure cannot one. -.- I did like less than 1km on the treadmill and I conked out. wtf! then I did 9km on the bike machines and 2.5km on the rowing machines. ahhhhh I need to go gymming more ):
the fact that my arms hurt is primarily due to the rowing machine. pullpullpull! damn tiring ah. didn't really help that the rowing machine is at the part of the gym where all the heavyweight lifting stuff goes on. -.- everyone that stepped into that area besides me and joanna were guys, I mean LEAN AND MEAN guys you know. intimidating much.
yea anyway I'm so gonna make more trips to woodlands gym now that I know it's such a fun place. okay maybe not fun, but just cooler than yck gym. -.- I can actually use my mp4 while I'm working out at woodlands gym! it helps alot you know.
the guys that come to woodlands to work out are nowhere near as hot as the ones who go to yck gym, but that's a plus! no distractions. hoho.
ohyeah btw I didn't go alone, I went with joanna and polly. got the most gym time among the three of us, cos joanna came late and polly had to leave earlier. yay me! -clapclapclap-
you know I was thinking. if they made us bike a really long distance instead of making us run 6 rounds around the track, I WOULD SO PASS WITH FLYING COLOURS OKAY. alright, maybe not flying colours. hovering colours?? O.o well better than my last 2.4 timing T_T
hoping to catch twilight with the dudesss either this week or next. me and joanna are planning. expect an sms from me soon. haha. oh and I only choose people I like to go out with, so please be patient while you wait with bated breath HOHOHO.
I bumped into syafiq today! syafiq azhar, I mean. at macs at causeway point. after gymming me and joanna were (naturally) hungry, so we headed to macs to grab brunch? lol. I wanted hotcakes but apparently there's no paying with ezlink card there so I had to take sausage mcmuffin instead. nice too! but just not AS nice ):
anyhow syafiq is such a blur blob. he didn't recognize me. I was so heartbroken!! huahuahua no la.. that one long time ago sia. story finish ready. and I also didn't recognize him at first, if not for the fact that I noticed the mysterious dude with a cap shoved halfway down his face sitting with the 'rents and the bro.
...can someone please tell me a good site to download videos from?? I want to put videos in my mp4 budden I don't know where to get them from.
I just read a poem that one of my friends wrote. he's so good! and he thinks it's a piece of crap. tell me why these people come into existence. they should really get real man! he told me not to mention his name here, so I shall reluctantly do his bidding. -.-
anyway this is me responding to his poem. no it's a poem, because obviously I can't write for nuts, and I'm not being hypocritic here HUH MR POET.
sometimes I wonder why I have friends! and then there are times when I wonder why and how I got to know friends like Mr. Poet here not to mention the times when I wonder, how come so many of my friends are so retarded and then I wonder what I ever did to deserve such love :)
mulling things over.. 'soul-searching', if you will... although somehow that seems like such a overstatement. I guess, in a way, I am trying to find myself. because.. okay nevermind. this is just getting way too deep..
anyway.. the other day, on my birthday, felt so surprised that I got that many birthday wishes. they weren't exactly like breaking down my door, but it was still quite a surprise.. a pleasant one, of course. and all of them, from people I hold dearly in my hearts.. people I always talk to, hang out with sometimes in school.. good friends.
and then I realized I've quite a number of good friends.. I mean I'm not trying to be smug or show off or something. yes, it makes me feel good, but only because I know there's love all around, no matter how corny that sounds.. it is nice to feel loved, of course!
but how often do I get to meet someone I can really hit it off with? more than just being able to hang out a lot with them. that I can do with any good friend.. I'm talking somewhere along the lines of best friend. never really had a best friend since primary school. I had three different best friends at that time.. one from p1-p3, another in p4 and another in p5.
start to wonder why. and that brings a whole lot of other questions to mind. and it's like she was on cue or something, my mum mentioned to me the next day that she thought I would have been better off if I went to another school, somewhere other than rgs. didn't exactly hit me like a pile of bricks, just slightly depressing.
wondered how my life would have turned out if I hadn't gone to rgs. I might never have gone to rjc, I doubt I'd get 6 points for my olevels..
anyway. maybe it was rg, maybe it wasn't, but then there's this door inside of me that won't open up. corny shit, but really. I'm almost afraid of being my real self. fine, not "almost", I am. thought it was a fear of judgement that was hampering me from truly opening up to people, because I'm not like that with my family, cos I know family doesn't judge you, ever. know you inside out, upside down, whatever, but they'll still love you no matter what.
but it's not just that. I don't really know what it is, but all I know is that I'm not fully opening up to the people around me, despite having many good friends. let's say I'm still 20% closed up. wish I could be 100%, but how, when I don't even know who I really am?
you know I think the only reason why I found it so hard to get over him was because.. he's got this look when he's sad about something. like a puppyface googly-eyed kind of look. made him look so pathetic i just didn't have the heart to even think it wasn't my fault that he left. lol.
okay, maybe not the "only" reason lah, but still a big reason..
I seem to somehow be drawn to people with self-esteem issues.. it's nothing, I'm just making an observation. I hope asyraf doesn't read this and take offence. ha. that would be weird, indeed.
I'm kinda glad I don't have any connections with him anymore. lol. okay not "kinda", more like REALLY glad. now the only time that I see him is when I bump into him. it is extremely weird, let me tell you, neither of us can even maintain normal conversations for longer than 5 minutes.. imagine if I were to see him every weekend again like I used to. ahhhh.
okay yes, anyway. the other day I was cleaning out my closet, if you will, not literally. just figuratively speaking. anyway I came across this piece of paper that I wrote when I was all emo about him. my first reaction was T_T ohmygoddd i can't believe I was that emo.. and then the more I read it the more I thought it was so sweet.
sweet like, you know the kind of thing that you write initially because you're hurting a whole lot, but when you look back, you start to realize that it's all part of growing up. haha yeah I know that sounds like damn corny ah, but really, I mean. getting hurt because of this kind of shit, is just something everyone goes through, and when you look back and remember just how hurt you were, you somehow smile at the memory.
I don't really wanna dwell on this topic any longer, first of all because it's weird to actually feel nostalgic about something I felt so hurt about. and second of all I gotta go before the memory gets resurrected? I don't know how to spell that word..
SO! I will go and upload some more long-due turkey pics. lol. :) byebye.
you know, I was gonna make this whole entry about my brand new fist-sized blue-black bruise that's on my calf right now, cos really the story's quite laughable, but then I'm pissed off right now so I'll just keep it short.
basically, I forgot that I was wearing skinny jeans when I decided to be smart and jump over a chain link. could hardly move my legs up high enough, so I tripped, and my calf smacked gravel.
it was in the carpark. it probably could not have gotten more humiliating, because a random stranger screamed out loud when he saw me fall and then he started sneering at me. what a douche bag.
lol.
sigh.. today is hari raya aidiladha. but strangely enough I didn't even go to the mosque today, cos I can't even step in. that time of the month. I just visited three houses in all and spent half an hour at one of them saying prayers. I had lunch twice, and a hearty dinner indeed.
but then my dad lost his temper on the way home because I didn't help my brother link up to the internet modem on his laptop, and then I'm still feeling quite dispirited from that.
how long is it gonna take for me to ever accept that my dad can be pretty much a freaking ass when he's pissed off? I can't take that you know, I really can't, and I often find myself wondering why my mum puts up with it. personally, I find it hypocritic of my dad, I don't believe he works where he does, and I really shouldn't be saying it here, but I don't care, I need to say it somewhere.
at least when I lose my temper, I don't lose my ability to think rationally as well. I thought part of being an adult was learning how to control yourself. I didn't even mess up horribly and he screams at me and calls me a bloody idiot and screams at me and brings in other things from my past that he knows I don't ever wanna talk about ever again.
I was thinking, he could go on and on forever about how darn stupid I am and how irresponsible I am and how I'm a bloody idiot, and he could threaten to beat me up silly a thousand times, but I just don't care anymore. you know after all this time I think of them as routine. empty threats. he always does it when he's pissed, but i don't particularly care, he can do it as much as he wants, and I still won't go the way he wants me to.
he just doesn't get that I can think on my own now, that I know what my limits are and I know how to follow instructions, and that just because I don't do things the way he does them, doesn't mean I'm not gonna get it done in the end all the same! it's really irritating, you know.
I tell you by the time this year is over I would've definitely learnt a lesson from dad.. how to suppress my anger. cool huh.
It’s been a very good day indeed, even though I only went out with yuhan and Joanna in the end. And yuchen for a while. Still, the fact that they take the time is good enough for me. I’m a very content little girl tonight!
Maybe not little. I AM seventeen after all.
Yknow I’m starting to wonder if it’s something about January babies that like to remind December babies like me that we still have 12 more months to go to turn 18, and they only have one more month to go. -.- suckers. Hahaha nahh I’m kidding. it’s just qiwen and jazi, who incidentally share the same birthday!
speaking of same birthdays! I already found out that two other people in rjc turn 17 today! One in my batch and the other one year above mine, both guys. Small world, small world...
and now I have to reply to everyone who wished me happy bday. I really appreciate it you guys, and if I missed you out, and I’m sure somewhere along the way I’m missing out somebody, please forgive me. I lost my phone remember, so I lost my contacts too. In no specific order whatsoever,
Syazwan (twice lol) Polly (twice too!) Haslina (twice three!) Maryam Derek Jonlim Vanessa Maria Kak Nur Yi Ning Khaliq Hanif Di Wei (twice four!) Fads Joanna Yuhan Yuchen Wenqiang (twice five!) Amin Victor Hani Albert DanialHakim Asyraf Nakata Matthew Iqbal Hijazi Qiwen DanialBadron Saiful Zulkifli
Amin damn retarded, know. I didn’t have his number, then I asked who he is then he say “faris’s dad”. Aperkebendeeee entah, hahaha.
Btw I bought my shoes today! WHY NO ONE BUY FOR ME AH, WALAO. MY BDAY SIAL. I WANT MY PRESENT YOU KNOW. Heehee nah I’m kidding, I really don’t need presents guys. I know most of yall are in permanent personal economic recessions of your own.. heehee but really don’t need.
I know it sounds corny, but just showing the love is a good enough present for me. I’m serious.
In the end I bought the black and red converse shoes, love em love em love emmmm.
Doesn’t mean I’m not growing up anymore. I suddenly started noticing today that certain types of dresses are actually pretty and not really casual but still good for street wear. I’ve only got two right now, and I got the sudden urge to go shopping for moreeee.
And I need new pumps. You can guess which colour I want them in. and necklaces, especially.. and oh threequarter pants. The tight black ones. Fedoras are nice too, if you know how to wear them properly..
Aiyo... scares me that I’m becoming girly. Little by little. I don’t LIKE being girlyyyyyyy. ): well not that part of me that’s always been a little disgusted by things like accessorizing and wearing pretty girly clothes.
BEING SEVENTEEN IS NICE.
Anyway I’m all talk and no action. I tell you it takes like dunno how long to convince myself to actually go DO the shopping. -.- sigh.
In more important news, I’ve been thinking about whether I wanna stay in Singapore or go overseas to study.. talked about it with a few people already.
I wanna go overseas! I know it’s a huge thing, being away for like 3-4 years and only coming back home once or twice every year or sth? Leaving all your friends and family behind, it’s almost like starting life anew, in a completely different environment, surrounded by completely different people, none of whom you know that well at the start.
I love all my friends and I also obviously, needless to say, love my family. And I realize that maybe I’m just bored with Singapore because I don’t take the time to see what’s good about life here. That maybe it’s a perception thing, that if I change my perception I’d see that life here is already pretty good..
But you know, what can you say when you can’t change the culture around you, or the buildings surrounding you, or the kind of people around you? I would definitely miss my friends and family. But I would rather take the plunge and go somewhere I have never experienced before than sit around here willing myself to ignore the fact that I’m damn bored with life here despite my family and friends being around.
And I promised myself I’d try and see as much of the world as I can. I should do it when I’m still young! Haha that’s what I’d call a fulfilling life. To be able to see all kinds of people in all types of different cultures and conditions.. to really see for myself what God gave to this earth, and to us, the human race.
I just hope I’m not being too idealistic, cos that would be indeed be a problem. Still. I won’t say no even if I’m being too idealistic. It’s a learning experience, anything would be better than staying in Singapore...
Complete change in tone: I TOOK NEOPRINTS TODAY. Haven’t taken them in ages, I almost wanted to call them neopets instead. T_T here’s one where I’m sticking out of a toilet bowl, and yuhan and Joanna say I look nice in that one. gee thanks, of all the times to look nice, when I’m halfway down a toilet bowl hahahha :D
I dreamt about fatih last night!! excited much.. :P I just love his eyes la. so bright green. lawa kan. aku pun jakon, tak pernah nampak mata orang kaler hijau. dry laugh
i went shopping today. something that I seem to be doing more and more of. I hope it's just a holiday thing. I don't want it to be a permanent affliction. I don't have the physical, mental and financial means to do that. dry laugh
anyway. now I have to choose between a pink etnies shoe a red and black converse shoe that looks totally punkish (it's even got anarchy signs and everything) and a plain black and red vans shoe
don't you dare ask me why I want a pink shoe. it's not really pink lah, it's mostly white, put the etnies sign is pink.
I'm so unusually emo tonight. not emo about anyone. well for the most part, no. but
polly told me I'm growing up. haha. I guess I should be glad, but then she said I'm becoming more girlier, cos I apparently seem to be more open to girly stuff. I'm kinda scared. is this really me or am I really growing up? I have never liked pink before.
okay that aside. there's more important things going on than my sudden attraction to the colour pink. -.-
I've really been trying, honestly trying, to be more like an adult, to grow up. honestly speaking.
to me my two biggest problems (calling it flaws makes me depressed) are that I can't control my anger, even though I rarely show it. and I've got a fear. a really huge fear. that I'm scared to admit here, and that I really have to seriously fucking get over, it's starting to be a pain in the ass.
I've been trying to think more like an adult, act more like an adult and less like a child. it sucks that I have to grow up. I feel like I wanna grow up but at the same time I don't wanna face the fact that I'm gonna be 18 next year, and that technically means I'll be an adult next year.
and I feel nothing, NOTHING like an adult right now, even though I'm only a year away from being one.
it's like polly said, next year alevels, and then results, and then hopefully uni and then work!
where did the time go? I'm not prepared to grow up... but I have to you see.
I should have gotten a job, man, shit.
anyway I'm quite sure I am growing up, at least in the way I want myself to grow up. not in the way I didn't envision, like starting to like pink, eurgh.
I got pissed the other day, by a series of events, and basically the whole day sucked balls, but I didn't bark at anyone or spew profanities the whole time, and I could still smile. progress! (yeah, shut up)
but there's still a lot more work to do. I swear next year I'm gonna get a job the moment a levels end. I need a friggin job, yo.
and I selfishly hope the economic downturn lasts the next decade. it makes money less of an issue to go study overseas, in the likely event that I cannot secure a scholarship.
there's something else I reflected on that I'm not telling anyone about. feels horrible just thinking it, but I can't not think about it. is it reality... is it finally sinking in. shit I don't wanna give up.. if I'm growing up, I've gotta stop doing things blindly and just trusting my emotions. but that sucks, what happened to the six months plus that this thought never crossed into my head..
metro station said you won't be seventeen forever.. I wanna seize this chance, just do what my heart tells me to do and just trust my instinct and jump in.
what a major suckfest. I'm getting slightly schizophrenic..
in other news! to cheer myself up a little..
I like orchard rd at night. there's loads of cute guys around. and any city is nice at night. it's sexy. ;p
