yo! well I'm halfway done with packing for my littrip. which is very tiring for some reason. I think it's just cos it's boring and it's so logistics-oriented that my brain hurts.
did some last-minute shopping with joanna and polly just now at orchard, at (where else?!) far east. yep. quite productive! mm for me at least, I know joanna got her shoes, I don't know if she eventually got here wristlet thingum. polly was just tagging along even though she suddenly found 50 bucks in her purse. I managed to get 5 tees and a small bag for like 70bucks in total! AM I A GOOD DEAL-FINDER OR WHAT HUH. HUH! HUH! :D :D :D hahaha. no lah far east just like that damned easy to find cheap stuff. best thing is that they're not cheapSKATE! but they're CHEAP! even the SKATEr stuff are CHEAP but not cheapSKATE! HAHHHH
well in other news, I think I just broke someone's heart? haha. I don't know, I really don't understand. I think he's being oversensitive because well. he thinks too much about stuff. D: but you do still feel lousyy when you hurt someone. heartbreak's the worst. horrible. I mean I'm sure everyone's been there before.. it sucks ahh. when someone breaks my heart usually I really feel worse than a piece of shit. don't know about you.. but it really hurts. then again. ahh I have a really weird relationship with this guy. if you can even call it one. so I don't get why he was hoping for so much from me. ah. ): but. I wish he hadn't.
I know I'm gonna regret saying that tomorrow. haha but today is today. I mean tonight is tonight. tomorrow is another day, yay(:
TOMORROW I'M LEAVING FOR LITTRIP! O M G. the reality just hit me. wow. it's like, the longest I've ever been away from home without parental supervision. yeah, there'll be adults, but there'll be no one to tell me what I can or can't do! well besides the usual safety precaution stuff that the teachers have to force upon us ah. THAT'S FUN! :D haha okay well not really, I think I'll miss them at some point in time. ):
and it's quite scary. i'm not fully independent yet. and come to think of it uk is such a huge place and I'm so teeny tiny and it's so easy to get lost. and I'll be literally on the other side of the world from my parents. AHHH CLINGY MUCH, AIYOH. why the sudden manja-ness man :P
okay now I'm both scared and excited. HAHA. well good luck having a good night's rest tonight, me. I know I'm gonna lie awake in bed and stare at the ceiling doing nothing but think about him. and how one month is a really long time. prolonged by two weeks where I'll be overseas.. I'll miss him. ):
I don't feel like there's school at ALL, tomorrow. D: hurhur. in actual fact I have quadruple history tmr. ROCKS MY SOCKS RIGHT! tutorial-lecture-tutorial-tutorial. and I'm still not done packing. I've got all the reasons in the world to pon. but NO!
wow. eh I'm really gonna miss him, omg. help! ): the entire way home just now I couldn't think of anything else but. him. I wish I knew how to tell if my feelings are reciprocated or not. I can'ttt. I mean people say they are but I'm more or less done with completely believing what people tell me. I want to judge for myself. and to me, there's nothing going which shows anything at all right now. okay maybe just abit, but it really doesn't amount to much and I don't think it's supposed to mean anything either. aw man I don't know lah, I wish I could just tell! like that! -snaps finger-
and I wish I could make him see what I see in him. to me, he's just the sweetest thing alive right now. if I had just one more night with you, if I could lie with you under the stars, if I could tell you everything I feel, if I could say everything about you that makes me love you, I would. he's got the purest heart of gold I've ever encountered in anyone. if you tried to pawn his heart at a pawn shop, you wouldn't get any money- it's priceless.
..
..
.. ):
HO-KAY I'LL STOP IT WITH THE DIABETIC CRAP
but I really do love him because of who he is. (: he's awesome. (: (: (: (:
ehh I'm falling asleep already. cannot! must continue packing. BYE!
ahhh I really don't have the mood to do anything tonight. first of all gp test just passed and I know I have to do lit, and boy is miss lye gonna be pissed if I don't do it, but there's something about being done with a test and knowing that there aren't any more tests for a whole month, that makes you wanna neglect your work just this week because the motherfucking holidays are coming. secondly, today was a shit shit shit shit day. thirdly, i have a freaking bad headache
din: I really really never meant to hurt you, and I'm more pissed off that you would choose to jump to conclusions rather than using your head and refusing to believe what I told you. I swear it isn't a lie, and it's got nothing to do with you. I really think you're a super nice guy and you're damn sweet (sweety!) even if I've never met you in real life before but honestly. you seem like a real nice guy. better than your friend at least... erm but I don't think I could ever like you that way and I don't mind being friends but that's it.
yea... that's basically why i'm feeling like a piece of shit. the dude's really sweet, I honestly think he is. but man, I can't like him that way. I only have room for one man in my heart. (chey man sey, mcm phm) nobody could displace him. i really really treasure him. he's that one ray of light in my life. he's so pure I feel like I can't touch him, but I want to.
okay that came out wrong. touch? as in metaphorically speaking -_-"
wah I talk like i'm already attached to him. I don't even know if he likes me in return, or if he wants us to be anything more than just friends.
well. in other news.. I don't want anything to do with this business of pissing people off without meaning to anymore. let's get this straight, once and for all. the last thing I want to do when I make friends with anybody, anyone at all, is intentionally hurt them or piss them off. in fact that's what I'm most of scared of. I hate hurting people's feelings, it makes me feel lousy, even if it's not my fault, and it's the other party that's just oversensitive, it really does. don't tell me I'm purposely doing stuff to irritate you, don't accuse me of being high-and-mighty just because I'm from raffles or just because i'm smart (HAHA joke much.) because I'm the exact opposite of that,, and it gets on my nerves that people would think I'm like that, because it's not true, and if you took the time to get to me know me better before jumping to conclusions, you'd know that.
I treasure all my friends and I really take their feelings very seriously. I might say stuff that's abit too frank sometimes, but I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by the things I say and do. ever since when I was in kindergarten, I've always hated hurting people's feelings. I might have changed a lot since kindergarten, but that's one part of me that hasn't changed and never will.
sigh.
you know what really helps right now? listening to say (all I need) by onerepublic. it really helps to soothe my soul. unfortunately it doesn't help to soothe this freaking headache that I have right now. it really hurts now, shit I feel like barfing :x bye
AS HIGH AS HIGHDI KLUM
hello! well. coupla things to say. once again. (:
went for college play yesterday! hm it wasn't as boring as most people said it was. haha. well okay the first act was pretty boring. it was dry and mundane. but well I guess that was an essential part of the play. cos well, it's important to make everything seem so normal and mundane at the start, so that you get maximum impact when you get the message across in the last act. yea.
anyway. GUESS WHAT I FOUND ON MY PARENT'S BED TODAY. :D
um no not anything sick thankyewvehmuch (?!) but.. a book! wait for it. the TITLE: boundaries with teens: when to say yes, how to say no.
?!?!
wow. I didn't know I was such a problematic teen. apparently I'm giving them a lot of trouble. :/ hm let me see. I didn't expect them to actually try and understand my world. because it seems to me like they never do, and never care enough to try either. ): but now that I see that book then obviously they're trying to make an effort right! which is DAMNED DOWNRIGHT HEARTENING I tell you. (: I'm so grateful right nowww (:
but then right. let's see why they're so pissed with me. aiyoh. I make it sound like. like it's a small thing. like I didn't do anything wrong! but I did. and I'm currently feeling like the most childish teenager alive.
1. late nights
no I don't mean late nights as in burning the midnight oil. when I burn the midnight oil, actually when I burn the WEEHOURSOFTHEMORNING oil, they couldn't be more proud of me. my dad goes like, 'wah anak bapak kuat iman ah wah power seyyy'. mum. okay mum screams. she's like 'YOU'RE GONNA BURNOUT SOON!' which is pretty apt considering the fact that I'm burning the midnight oil. which will BURN OUT sooner or later. HAHA. ...kay sorry ah. damn random.
2. never do housework
actually it's more like I do the opposite of contributing to doing housework. my room's like one huge heckuva mess, and my cupboards are like, erm. unorganised. like, there's stuff strewn all over the place. dad doesn't really care, as long as I don't mess with his shit, i mean his junk, i mean his books. he has one whole room for all his books, I kid you not. that room's supposed to be MY room. sometime soon. which i guess means like next year or something. -.-
yea in case you dint know, I share a room with my bro now. it's been like that since he was born. used to be one hugeass bed in our room, which was damn bouncy. then I grew up so it became two single beds. which isn't as fun. now our room is damn cramped.
(alamak. I'm not supposed to be complaining about this am I.)
3. spend too much money
okay i get like 30bucks a week. which is like actually quite measly compared to what most of my friends get. hm but to mum it's more than enough. she gave me like 21 at first, then 25, then 30. and she's still quite peeved that I keep finishing all that money and not saving anything. then there's the times I ask her for money to topup ezlink, buy tickets, whatever..
4. shirking my responsibilities
...yea. which is bad enough. lol. flashback: the list used to be seriously wayyyy wayyy longer back when I was in sec one through three, and possibly first few months of secfour. lol. am I glad I'm not the same person as I was back then (:
yup! anyway. kk I'll really do my best to minimize my pissing them off! really really. I'll be ANGELIC, I'll be the BEST daughter they could ever hope to have! ...okay maybe not, cos if I were the BEST daughter they could ever hope to have, I wouldn't be happy. cos. cos I'd have change some parts of myself which I don't want to change. yea I'm selfish like that. eek. but I'll try to be the NEXT BEST ALTERNATIVE! :D
kay that's done..
now! hee2 I had a really2 weird conversation with this auntie yesterday. cos I always drop by bukit panjang plaza before I go home, cos 1) i need to use the toilet and 2) OLDCHANGKEE/MACSICECREAM/STARBUCKS! yeah :P it's mostly old chang kee though I LOVE THE CURRY'OS. they're always piping hot! PIPING HOT! and they're super fat and full of fillings. SO FULL OF FILLINGS IT MAKES YOU FULL!
WAHAH
anyway. I was in the toilet lah. then suddenly one auntie came out, and she looked HORRENDOUS. like seriously the kind of HORRENDOUS that kinda makes you speechless with shock/horror/agony/the desire to barf/the desire to laugh your pretty little ass off
she was wearing like what looked like a cross between a PINK TUTU and denim miniskirt, and supersupersupertight leggings, and a black spaghettistrap top which said (haha get this) "SEXY" in huge golden letters at the front. and her lipstick was seriously RUBY RUBY RUBY RUBY! (you know that song by kaiser chiefs! it's called ruby!) RED! and her hair. it was those kind of very 80s kinda hairstyle, you know like frizzy curly hair, like an afro but not quite. okay I dunno, it was just REALLY WEIRD.
(digression: EH THERE'S A MALAY WEDDING DOWNSTAIRS! I LOVE THE SOUND OF KOMPANGS. BETTER THAN MY MP3. HEHE SEMANGAT MELAYU :D)
she came out of the toilet, stood beside me to wash her hands (MY GOD HER PERFUME, AHHH. MY NOSE WAS BEING ASSAULTED?!) and then she stood with her side to the mirror and she started pulling at her clothes. I think I was staring too much, cos she suddenly struck up a conversation with me.
auntie: must look young... must be glamrerus! (that's how she pronounced it wahaha)
me: heh. yea.. (i was doing my best not to look incredulous, and to look emphatic. didn't really work I think.)
auntie: -pulls skirt- yesterday auntie buy this tshirt! from young people shop! verrrrrry sexxxyyyyy horrrr -flaunts um. saggy stuff on chest- verrrry cheap also! (hmm you mean the clothes or are you talking about yourself! :D)
me: oh. heh.
auntie: must look pretty! like youuuuuuu! (screeches)
me: *EHK?!* oh heh.
auntie: you what school ah?
me: erhhh raffles junior college..
auntie: oh. -packs up and leaves-
HAHAHAHAHA. HILARIOUS AH! she must have been at least 48. super old! WOW and she really did look horrible! she had like tons of BLUBBER flapping under her arms and her makeup was like. she really looked like she stood in front of her dressing table. stared at all her makeup, poured everything out, and dunked her face in it. ICK!
okay it's not like I'm such an expert at putting on makeup (I'm clueless, actually), and I don't exactly have the best fashion sense around or anything (I'm bordering on average. not quite there yet. YET!) but at least I know i'm not gonna do such ridiculous things when I'm 50 years old! WOW! she's really a piece of work. talk about SIT-YOO-AY-SHER-NEL AWARENESS. (gee I miss the way shirley tan says that)
AIYOMA! YOYOMA! HOW LA SEY!
I want three potato curry puffs and a soya bean drink now. -.- bye
hello. :D
so I realize I've been quite emo this past week. for... certain. legitimate.. reasons.. but I realize that being emo sucks. because no matter what shit happens in your life right, if you emo too long about it also no point. you feel like a piece of shit because shit happens in your life. so it's better if you make yourself NOT feel like a piece of shit. despite shit happening in your life. and look on the bright side of things! YEH.
and might I just say, I am SO SO thankful to have friends like you guys in my life. (: really really. just that one night when I was feeling pretty damn screwed up, and a billion and one people came up to me asking 'hey are you alright? don't worry, it'll pass with time' and other sweet heartening things to say and I really really appreciate it. really. I LOVE YOU GUYS.
...except that I was attempting to do my seahist essay and simultaneously maintain convos with 10 different people at once. everyone was like asking what's wrong and shit like that and it was abit overwhelming cos well. I didn't expect anyone to notice, much less care. but anyway THANKS FOR EVERYTHING GUYS (:
yea.. and this weekend, I have quite a lot of things going on. and have to take into consideration gp ct next week (:O :O :O :O :O :O). so it's gonna be pretty hectic.
today
1. french class
2. attend kenduri at cousin's place. she's going off for umrah soon so it's not nice if I don't go. :S
3. our town- 7pm pac, with ros jonlim ruiling
tomorrow
1. madrasah
2. kak izza's bbq- 4pm
3. ms june's piano class- 430-530
monday
1. mly drama re-run
2. post-production party? (banyaknye party2)
and then
1. PW lit rvw by sunday
2.
MUG FOR GP CT3. econs essay outline by tuesday
4. finish my seahist essay (yea it's late)
5. tutorials 6 7 8a
6. read econs notes (OLIGOPOLY! I love that word. sounds like a pokemon, dont you think?)
7.
PACK FOR LIT TRIP (shit I almost forgot! TWO WEEKS worth of packing, and then i still have to do some more shopping for some stuff)
okay so yea good luck to me. obviously I'm gonna have to axe some things off my schedule this weekend. eek. I haven't decided which ones though, but from the looks of it it's pretty obvious. ish. aiya it all depends la.
and I wanted a catch a movie this weekend. ): lerrr!! can forget about that.
alright I have to go now.
...suddenly I have a craving for cinnamon bread and a caramel frappe from starbucks. 0.o
first up, today was freaking screwed up. I'm in a terrible terrible right now, so you'll excuse me if I can't help the swearing, okay? today was a long day too, with double math as the last two blocks, so my brain is like this gloopy gurgling mess inside my head. I'm currently feeling so messed up I'm in the sort of mood where I'll just say whatever the hell I want and not care about the repercussions, only to regret it later on, but yeah I don't care right now. got lots to say about today, and about people in general..
1. I'm not WITH anyone right now. NO. ONE! I'm not planning to be with anyone anytime soon, either, and just because I spend a lot of time with someone doesn't mean we're together or anything. it just means we're CLOSE FRIENDS. ever heard of that term?? sheeshhh. and it certainly does NOT NOT NOT mean he's trying to flirt with me or anything. that's just plain stupid. I know there's rumours going round about us, but yeah, I wish everyone would stop being so immature and give it UP! it's pretty fucking irritating.
2. for the record, I do like someone right now, and yeah it is someone from school, but it's not who everyone thinks it is. so yeah the fact that those stupid rumours are going around just adds more salt to the wound. what wound? he didn't do anything to me. hm well I don't think the feeling's reciprocated. I can't tell anyhows. someone tells me it is but somehow I doubt so, I just don't feel it. yeah, that wound.
3. pinky has an ego the size of MARS. maybe even like JUPITER. omg it's seriously damn huge. I've never met a guy who's so shamelessly egoistic before. he still thinks I like him?! he's super damn self-conscious around me. I did like him, but that was then. this is now, I've kinda MOVED ON, you know... T.T he seriously thinks he's the bomb lahhhh, I can't stand guys like that. I mean like HELLO YEAH YOU'RE CUTE BUT AYE YOU'RE NOT IRREPLACEABLE LAH PLEASE?!!?! so like just because you're cute, you think the whole freaking world will find it super hard to get over you if they fall for you?! alamak... news FLASH! there's tons of guys out there, and you're not THAT special... if you're clueless, pinky's the kind of guy who has that face that screams "I KNOW I'M IRRESISTABLE". damn annoying lahhhhhh. :x
4. I hate mats. mats in general. the skirtchaser mats, the trashtalker mats, all kinds of mats.
5. will my knight in shining armour please step forward?!
6. someone's pissed at me, it's a girl, I have no idea what the hell i did to her, she just all of a sudden hates me?! this one takes the cake- I have never talked to her before in my entire life. D: we share a mutual acquaintance, but other than, that's the only link my life has to hers. wth. ):
7. at this rate, I'm gonna be screwed for cts. fantabulous! :x
kay I've got work to do. I'm so sleepy I could just plop my head on the laptop right now and fall asleep, only I'm dead if I don't finish my freaking homework by tmr. so I'm pretty screwed up for tmr. I have to try my best though. fuck this, I need better time management, definitely. ): before I change my mind and realize that I've said too much now, I better go. bye.
it's time I made a few changes to the way I've been living my life
1. time management. I need more sleep, greater productivity, greater efficiency. productivity and efficiency's the easy part, but how to get more sleep and be more productive? I tell you it's near impossible, innit. T.T allow me to be vain for a moment, MY EYEBAGS ALRD DAMN FUGGING BIG OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYY DDDDDDD:
2. I need to show more appreciation for the people around me. especially those I love. family and friends. I think I love them more than I show it. cos I rarely do sweet stuff for them and it's been quite a while since I did anything sweet for anyone indeed, I miss the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you make someone's day (;
3. I have to save money ): I've been spending like nobody's business, it ain't good. I think I'll start bringing food from home. like cereal- I just bought COOKIE CRISP this weekend (: yummm then I won't spend so much (:
4. I have to start mugging dammit ahhhhhhh. I was supposed to start in april! then I stopped towards the end of april, cos I focused on homework, then I got tired of work, so I stopped. NO I CANT BE LAZYYYYYYY ): not anymoreeee
stuff to do!
5. I NEED A DAY OFF. watch a movie or go play arcade or something. with like ANYONE luh. I'm gonna need one after this week ):
6. shop- I need more tshirts for littrip
7. brownies from p.osh at dhoby xchange!
8. cupcakes from angel cakes at novena!
9. CARAMEL FRAPPE! BLOODY HELL I NEED ONE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT. LATE LATE. D:
kay that's all. one last night: I'm currently feeling very. weird. I don't know what to make of this situation that I'm in. (".)
bye.
wow. I feel like a bitch right now. ): ahhhhh I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, I really really really don'tttttttt. pleaseeee don't misunderstand me ): I swear I don't want to intentionally play around with people's feelings :s I just need time to sort my own feelings out. seriously. I know people say I move on damn fast. but it isn't like I can completely throw him out of my life and find someone else just like that. I may not like him anymore but that doesn't mean I'm completely immune to feeling hurt at what he did. ):
CLASS CAMP!
CLASS CAMP! :D
alright before I dive into the what-happened-when and everything else, lemme just say, CLASS CAMP WAS FANTASTICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC :D I know I said I didn't think it'd help, but haha it did. (: I really really hope the effects are gonna last beyond like a few weeks or something, because that would suck.
anyway, I LOVE A01C (: (: (: I'd put that heart smileyface thingy right here but it'd screw the html shit up or wtv so T.T
1. ropes course - tightrope + logs
ropes course was my personal favourite part of the camp. (: it was so challenging, both physically and mentally. it seemed impossible to do at first. it isn't like I haven't seen it before, I mean duh. but my first reaction when I realized that I actually had to climb up and CROSS that skinny little rope up there with nothing but a pathetic (okay it wasn't pathetic la) rope clipped onto my back as my LIFEline (literally) I was like 'bloody hell. SHIT.' and then I stared and stared some more at the tightrope and eventually apprehension became enthusiasm and I volunteered to be the first one to go up and do it wahahaha. I think I was having one of my random daredevil-ish moments. sort of like, "eh it looks damn tough, that's cool, let's do it!" 8D
but I was damn slow ah. cos i really was terrified. it's SO damn scary lah!! I know the rope's damn secure, but I still felt like I was gonna die if I slipped. plus, aiyah paiseh lah! hahaha :P anyway, moving on! I inched along like a snail, and I finally reached that platform midway. now it was the TIGHTROPE in front of me! I was stalling at first cos like eh damn scary ahhh, I really wonder how acrobats in circuses and everything can actually go on a tightrope with nothing but a safety net to catch them underneath if they fall. it's really very scary. I was screaming so much. more than I should have lah, actually. hurhur. but you know, the more I stalled, the harder it is for you to get your ass moving and put one foot on that stupid rope. that, and the daredevil thing again. damn weird 0.o but I'm glad I was having such a moment hurhur I probably would've taken longer if not.
I made it to the other platform and brandon (camp facilitator) was like EXCELLENT! GOOD JOB! and I was like ummm really? I was damn slow. but okay I did a good job YAY (: haha but brandon's a really nice guy ah. he doesn't make you feel like he's the teacher and you're a student. I like teachers like that. (:
then the other course, opposite the tightrope, the logs. it was damn fun! scary, given, but YEAH, fun! so fun that me and quynh anh were seriously considering going again. but eventually we decided not to. damn tired ah.
2. ropes course- labyrinth.
seems deceivingly easy.. but it wasn't. I didn't even finish it. it's really damn tiring. requires a lot of arm strength. the daredevil moment had already worn off when I was on this, but what made me actually want to go was, I wanted to see how far I could go, how far I could push myself, how long I could I force myself to stand the strain on my arms. yeah. it was a good experience. even though I didn't make it to the top. the secret is not to complain, both to yourself, and out loud. yeah it's damn painful but if you just forget about it and focus on what you have to do, it makes the job ten times easier, really.
I wish I could've reached the top, but it's okay, I got what I wanted. I managed to push myself and press on despite feeling like my arms were gonna drop off and thinking 'omg my arms fucking hurt how the hell am I supposed to finish this fucking thing?!' yeah. I love myself (:
and one more thing! while I was clinging onto the planks at some point in time and the feeling's actually quite great. random though it is to say this now, but yea it was, if you just stare at the field and the specs gal, it's an awesome feeling. not like the scenery's great (HAHA) but it's just nice.
3. first day at ubin
not much to say of the first day. the best part of the first day at ubin was the night, actually. even though it was kinda cloudy, you could still lie down at the amphitheatre/cooking area there and stare up at the velvet sky and see a few stars here and there. I was lucky, cos I happened to get a spot where if I just lay down and stared up, I'd be looking directly at a pair of stars that were just beside each other, twinkling right there, like the cosmos were watching me 8D feeling quite peaceful as I lay down and for once I didn't emo. hahaha. and then qiwen came along and I sorta went crazy after that. we did batch dance together, how bout that, hahahaha. not that it was a very successful attempt at it. but still. xD
ohyeah before that! we had like a briefing of the programme for the next day. and uh reflections of the first. yeah but more importantly the class decided to play truth-or-dare and I-have-never. typical games you normally play. but the point is that the whole class was doing it together, as in like one big family. not like you know, one clique here, another clique there, few people left out here and there. it was really nice! :D and I think the general desire to sabo specific people in class helped with the bonding too. hurhur.
after that it was lights out! bathe, pack, slack, chitchat, play cards, whatever. I just fell asleep right there in my sleeping bag. quite a tiring day.
4. second day at ubin!
KAYAKING. well we only spent two hours on this and needless to say that's not quite enough... but despite the fact that we kept going in an s-shape all the way to the kelong and back (hurhur) I still think that it was a good experience for everyone. (: made us realize the importance of emphathizing with another. yupyup. and I was really quite surprised that whole class could work together to get to the kelong. unity. you know. I thought everyone would just do things out of their own accord. but YAY I'm really glad we were able to pull together. (the ONE! TWO!s were an integral part of this I think)
halfway to the kelong some of us dropped out of our rafts and into the water, just for the fun of it. it's quite fun actually, if you forget about you know, like jellyfish and shit like that. if you hold on to the front/back of the boat and just lie on your back and stare at the sky, you get a really nice feeling. like you can fall asleep right there. woohoo. except that you'd wake up with a sunburn that makes you look worse than heinz ketchup (:
THEN! it was back to camp, pack up, went back to rj, reflections again, then went home! uh well most of the class went home. I stayed on until 11+ for mcs drama prac. yeah. I spent half the break playing random games with a tennis ball with the guys. and then they started playing soccer with it. so I gave up and found something else to do. haha xP
yeah but anyway CLASS CAMP! was really very nice. I didn't expect it to be quite so helpful. in the sense that, um. now we know that it's not a question of whether we can or cannot click with one another. it's whether we choose to get to know one another better or not. I really really really hope things are gonna get better from here on out. [:
something completely unrelated: sometimes the best gift you could ever give to someone you love is to let him go even if every fibre of your being screams out against it, even if your heart's calling out for him in a way that it's never called out for anyone before, even if it really feels like your heart's being squeezed by an invisible hand so hard that it hurts. forget about yourself for once. if that's what makes him happy then do it. there'll be someone else, somewhere along the way. it's okay.
ALRIGHT. I'm damn late for school now, gtg bye!
this is for the only boy that ever really got to me, under my skin, the only one who made me love him with every single inch of my being. the boy with the beautiful soul. i miss you. (because I'm quite sick of misunderstandings, it isn't anyone from rj. :x)
I need you near me nowI never knew just howyou're a part of me in all i amnever been more in the darknever been this scarednever was so uncertain of what to do or speaknever been so alone..never been without you..never had more than i could keepand what i need nowis someone like you.cant believe i didnt look you upeven before i knewhow you have waited for mei know nowand iim desperate im calling out ur name (can you hear me) im falling i cant feel ur flame, its so cold and ii wanna go homewanna feel your arms around me (can u hear me)so afraidwith who i ami need your strengthto live again and I'll put my hand in yoursas you fill me up (fill me up) and I know you'll always be there
desperate- daphne khoo
circumstance dictates that we should be apart. who'd believe us if we said if we were together? they wouldn't believe me if I said I loved you. 'ew! why?' they didn't believe you when you said you loved me. I thought I proved them wrong..... apparently not. I know what you thought about us and the more I think about it the more it makes me wish I could take your hand and look you in the eyes and tell you I loved you out of my own free will. how can you say I didn't love you when you were the one that left and shut me out of your life for good?
i didn't hate you, I wanted to help you cos I knew what happened that made you leave. I didn't realize what I had until it was gone and I'm so so sorry):
hello! i've been feeling rather guilty because I haven't been doing work recently, so I decided I've got to stop it and get some bloody work done this weekend, i feel like the slackest person on earth D:
but before I do that, I've got to get something down, something that I was thinking about after i went for hci(high school section)'s open house today with my bro and my parents.
i didn't go for the rg open house when it was my turn to sit for psle, and i dont really remember much from mgs's open house either. but I guess all the top schools in singapore market themselves the way hci does, by telling everyone how fantastic the curriculum is and how impressive their track record is and everything. even smu and nus and ntu tell the parents that exact same thing, and it's always about excellence and stellar achievements in you know, every academic field imaginable, that sorta thing.
but what got me thinking is this. you know all this talk about achieving excellence, and getting the best education there is, and everything, what's it gonna do for me at the end of the day? I mean I know getting a good education really helps, but that's not the most important thing, everybody knows that.
see. well. kay lemme try and make you understand this. it's what I think, anyway. I have no doubts that when I grow up, I'll join the workforce and become an indispensable member of society. I have full confidence that I'll be able to contribute to the society, be more than just a unit of society. I'll be special, I'll be different. I know it. (i'm not about to go into the definitions of 'special', cos it's different for everyone, and I've got my own measuring stick. (: ) I know what I want to do after I finish my a levels, and I know which career path to take. and getting good grades and having a good cv will definitely help, everybody knows that too.
but you see at the end of day, I don't just want to be a contributing member of society. I don't want to be seen as a lapdog of the system. I don't want to be enslaved by the system. I want a good job, yea, but I don't want to be
consumed by my job. because that would really suck.
in other words, I want happiness. self-actualization, contentment. but if happiness is more than just about getting a good job, then what exactly
is it? everyone talks about the importance of being happy at the end of the day, when you reach 60 years old, look back at your life and say 'I did a good job.' and be proud of yourself. but no one's
happy in singapore. look the statistics. people in philippines are way happier than us, according to some happiness index or something. and most of them there don't even have good jobs!
so what is happiness really about?? I may be too young to actually know what I want out of life beyond a good career, but I really want to know what it means to be happy. how do you work towards achieving a goal, when you don't even really know where to stop, when you don't know where the finish line is? you have to work hard to be happy, but how far do you go before you know you've got what you wanted? it's like a paradox. of
course you'll know when you're happy, right? but when you think about it, it's hard to know when you're happy. because happiness is different for everyone, for some it means getting CEO status, and others can just be happy with having a good husband, wonderful angelic children, and a mediocre life.
what's
my definition? I really wish I could figure it out right now. but i can't. i don't know what i need to be happy, so I can't work towards being happy.
sigh.
life is tough, huh? :P
I know some people might say it's not relevant right now, I mean who cares, as long as you get good results for alevels? but you really don't have much time, do you. once you get to university, your life is more or less made, IF all goes well. you don't figure it out soon, you'll never get it. which is scary. I don't wanna be a zombie. I don't wanna have a good job but not be happy. so HOW?!
okay this is as far as it gets. i'll just keep on going if i don't stop myself, so I will, right now. I'll go do math. 8D bye!
I'm going to be brutally honest here. and i've got to say some things that I've never had the nerve to admit before.
I'm pretty superficial. D: most of the time I fall for people who are good-looking, i realize. fucking horrible. ): no wonder I end up with a broken heart half the time. even if it's that not the only reason I like them.
I've only ever liked people who aren't good-looking, twice. and you know what? one of them was the best guy that has ever come into my life. 'cept that he's gone now and I can't do anything about that because it's my fault that he's gone anyways.
it took the longest longest longest longest time to forget about him and I really really miss him sometimes, when things get really really screwed up, i wish he could be there so i could talk to him. he had this soothing effect on me whenever I was pissed with the world. don't know if it was his voice, or the things he said to make me cool down, or both. he seems to be the only one so far who knew how to make me shut up and stop complaining about life and keep going at it until I get what I want. he taught me to keep my chin up and face the world with a renewed optimism and determination everytime I screwed up big-time.
and I had to be a fucking bitch and screw everything up. I still feel quite horrible about it now. well I was a different person back then, and I took him for granted, and I didn't.. well. I just basically took him for granted. I will never forget that look on his face when he saw me do it with his own two eyes. I cannot. I've never seen anyone look so genuinely hurt and shocked and devastated all at the same time. and by the time I realized just what I'd let slip through my fingers, he was already gone. there was nothing I could do about it and it took me almost two years to forget him.
I can't ask for a replacement of him. that would be unfair, because to each his own, and who am I to judge anyone else based on how they compare with someone from my past? i don't have that liberty.
all I ask is that I find a best friend and a lover rolled into one. sounds simple. but it's way complex in reality. I'll just have to wait and wait and wait. cos when it comes it's gonna be so beauitful and so right and awesome. :D
...one more thing. completely unrelated; you know just because I defend a guy friend doesn't mean I've got feelings for him D: D: D: D:
alright. gonna sleep now, quite tired after going gyming. BYE!
